Mess yesterday

11/2 11:11 12:12 12:13 4:44 5:55 15:55 

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18:08 
I'm tired of the mind games.

I'm tired of the lunar distortions.

This person doesn't love me.

He can't even say goodnight. 

8:17

Songs of Sophia comfort my ruffled heart. This man treats me like this because he is weak. He says "I'm mad at him" or whatever and so that's his reason for not saying goodnight or having any common kindness. I wasn't mad at him. I was disappointed that he wasted over an hour on this video game (Clash of Clans with Corie's family)... when he said he was going to read with me. At least to go to bed on time. But I had to try to break him out of it a couple times. It's just not aligned with my belief system. At dinner my "gratitude" was for the place of peace that our home was becoming. I loved that we ate withough the TV on and we ate healthy food... and then we spent time in the hammock the last two days and some time with the animals. Paul playing with his drone and taking the dogs on a short walk. I wanted to go clean up that refridgerator drawer out of the pond and got some other garbage too. It was a beautiful colorful autumn night and sunset and just lovely... until we went in and he got on that video game.

I tried not to "control him" by changing him or saying anything but after an hour of being on there and a half hour past our bedtime and then he didn't even take care of his teeth... I mentioned it so he would but he just didn't care because he was saturated in that poison from that game. This is INORGANIC and not my deal.... I want ORGANIC and LOVE. 

And if there is division when we are going to bed, I want to resolve it. He doesn't care. He just doesn't care about my feelings. He prefers to stew in his own. 

And it triggers some narsicssitic rage and lunar crap in me. Instead of going to bed with the discomfort, I turned the light back on to try to "pop the pimple" ... to take away the discomfort. To talk it out... and then I end up pushing him away... go sleep in the other room... push. I stopped myself. But I am just heartbroken. I thought we were making such progress. Had such a beautiful conversation with Rosemary today about how we are choosing to love eachother into healing... 

But not when things are hard apparently. I need to learn how to sit with the discomfort. I need to feel the narcissistic rage and just let it rise and fall. I can't control others. I can only control myself. If I don't like being treated like this, I can change it. I can change MY OWN circumstances... how I react. How I feel. And if I don't want to be in a relationship with somoene like this, I can change it. 

And I don't. 
I don't want to be a loser who treats people poorly. I don't accept lack of kindness and love. I don't accept going to sleep "divided" for whatever reason. If my supposed partner loves me, he wouldn't want that either. But Paul doesn't care. Or his self-pity and delusions of my "anger" are so stron g

.... 
Paul was sitting there. We talked. It's exhausting. But this is the work.

It's 11/3 at 4:22...no, now 4:46. Yeff just sent me a "we should have sex" text, ha! Jeez. He doesn't understand the depths and intracacies of energetic life either. Paul is a real gift to my life with his multidimensionality, even if he doesn't know it. 

I choose Paul.

I want the highest and best expression and healing in my life. 
I want love, adventure, health, joy, illumination, and the pursuit of happiness and peace.

Jeff was my childhood love... and it's amazing that we didn't have sex before. It's divine design. But he is super messed up too... addiction program has got him. He doesn't have the consciousness connection to see he offered that in response to my talking about being healthy... he wants that too in a way. He is like a caveman, in a way. But I also have created many timelines in my heart with him... us living in the woods with our dogs and Sioux in the barn with his Mom's horse. Adventures hiking. But he is addicted to drugs and alcohol (as far as I know)...and I'm sure he's had sex with people who have had the jab. And he's always been scared of committment. And he's so wounded from Suchira. I'd love to love on his kids with him - Uma and Ishan. But Paul is my guy. This is like that holographic insert of the plane accident... it's not real and it's designed to throw me off.

I choose Paul.

God brought Paul and I together and knit our architecture together. We feel one another. We are supposed to be healing one another in love. This is a trick designed to keep me questioning our relationship. Especially on the heels of a blowout like last night. See it. And I need to open another journal thread. Yeah. Let me move this....

11/3 5:00