I don't know

I don't trust him. I think I'm smarter. I think I have to offer the answer. It's exhausting. The truth is he is smart and I need to trust him before I trust him. 

We hurt each other. He thinks everything I say is a dig. My communication traumatizes him.
I want something easy. I need to take care of ME. He doesn't take care of me. We're in awful financial straits. He blames me. I blame him and/or us. If I controlled my own finances, I'd have savings. I would have tithe money and savings. I wouldn't just buy what I want when I want it. 

We're not good for each other... when he... <<<---- this is toxic. The song that is on now is "Speak Life" by Toby Mac... I'm speaking that ugliness into existence. 

But he had savings when he was in Alaska. He was killing himself with fake food and not eating every other day and only sleeping 4 hours a night. He's just having his journey...exploring all these things. He's his own lab rat. I don't like to witness it. 

I want to live ORGANICALLY... LESSSSS man-made crap... less technology....less stuff to purchase... less supplements. MORE NATURE, LOVE, ANIMALS, CREATION. 

Am I too old? No. OWN MYSELF NOW.

I am learning to pleasure myself. Learning to feel good...to open my yoni. That's productive. 

How can I stop being codependant? Fearful and controlling? LOVE.

myself. 

I feel like he just doesn't take responsibility for me and our life and home. He demands to be the leader but he won't lead. He won't take ownership or responsibility to provide. He wants to be catered to... served...but doesn't do his part. He doesn't serve in the way that he should...with appreciation, oversight, protection, direction.... I don't feel safe because he doesn't provide that... in fact I think he gets a little rush in doing the opposite...trying to keep me unbalanced. It's part of the satanic rebellion spirit. 

I'm sad. He seems to be a part of me. But we're so broken.

He won't take responsibility or ownership... he won't admit that he might have an opportunity to grow and heal...he won't put energy into even considering his side... he wants me to spoonfeed him examples and what he does instead of feeling into it himself to consider. He wanted examples of his passive-aggressive attitude and I said that I wasn't wanting to nit-pick but he could look in his heart and see how he might feel and subsequently act. His energy and actions are his responsibility. 

I'm tired. 
I'm sad.

I feel so disconnected. I LIKE being a part of our team... helping him in the morning is part of my identity... this is co-dependency...so I need to break it... it's okay. "DO ME AND LET PAUL BE."

Back to that. 

____

Maybe this is God/the Universe trying to nudge me?

____

I think this is really true and good. Thank you God.

Dear Paul, I hope one day you will reflect on our time together and recognize that I was a generous, loving, and supportive influence on you. My intentions have always been to help you see and step into your inherent gifts and power. We both did the best we could and I honor you and know you will continue to grow. I will always love you and do my best to look upon our time as the growth experience and divine appointment it was. 

How we frame our experience makes a difference. I know you currently see me as some sort of controlling monster because I speak directly. We certainly have communication issues and that was predetermined by our astrological birth charts (and we saw this before we even got together). Anyway... I choose to refect upon you with fondness and hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the ways I've hurt you and try to do the same. Let's put GOOD in the world. It doesn't need any more negativity and low frequency ruminations. It's our choice. 

Love always, Carissa ❤️

Thank you God.