Insults

He insults me for anything he can...even when I'm trying to look nice for him, or do nice things for him. I made his rice for him and I did it wrong. Everything I do, I do something wrong.

Carissa, you see now how your partners have felt. 

You kept them on the hook because you were good and kind sometimes... and they saw and felt good in you too... like you do with Ryan... but you did the same thing... nitpicking, nothing is good enough, make people feel small however you could so that you could feel better about yourself.

Learn from this.

And I surrender to God to lead.

God, also teach me more about Librarian and anything that Lyra taught me today about the grids and shelves (?) and the things I need to know about owning my energy field and keeping or taking control of the energies that affect me. I pray for protection and guidance. Amen.

____

Just now he gaslit me. He is so screwed in the head - so cruel. So dishonest with himself and me. And he blames everyone else.... he won't see how he was cold and unkind when I went over to make dinner that I provided for him. I bought a chicken at Costco, started his rice (wrong), got over to cook the fresh veggies I bought him (late). I have been shopping and preparing for OUR trip. I'm overwhelmed, and overspent.

I got all this makeup and push up bra to look pretty for him. I got my brows waxed and dyed, for him. And he didn't have anything much to say. He said I have lipstick all over my lips... questioned me about why I looked like that. Made fun of me. 

I am done with this. Get myself a claddah ring from Ireland, heal my vibration, do my work there, and then love myself and attract someone KIND. 

I'm overtired. And stressed about all I have to do.

Just breathe and know that I AM GOD, SOVEREIGN, FREE. 

____

4/24/24 

Saw 11:11 twice today…once when Jannelle was holding the phone, showing me and saying we needed to hurry up (we were in Ulta at the time)…and the second time tonight as I’m getting ready for bed.

Dee processing

I wrote this on April 21 after talking with Ryan... I was trying to process more and understand more about the Dee divide. It feels so bad. Last night I had a dream that it was repaired and we were friends and it was sunny and nice. I sent her a text this morning saying that I was so sorry and that I hoped we could talk soon and that I missed her. I need to just rest in it. And wear my villain crown. 

___

I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. Just hear your own heart. I see you sweet girl, trying the best you can all the time, trying to make everyone happy and heard and safe. It’s time to let it all go. Let the walls fall down. Stop trying so hard all the time to be liked and loved. Trying to keep the peace and smooth everything…. Do what’s right for you sometimes. Learn that people are fickle and you can’t count on them all the time … but don’t get hard or bitter. Just find honesty within. You were honest about being mad- to Ryan - and you shared that you tried to do the right thing through that. But it wasn’t the right thing. There are lots of moving pieces- not the least of which is that you look down on (with MY ego and superiority) the choice that they make for their animals sometimes. You disrespect and condemn and have contempt for the lack of responsibility they take - sometimes (ie that chicken cage and their dog running out of their gate.)

I didn’t take Dee’s anger and behavior seriously because I thought it was silly and petty and unfounded. So again, it’s MY EGO, looking at her like an imbecile - so looking down on her with superiority again.

I see how I do that a lot- I worry about her and try to coddle her so she doesn’t hurt herself, etc. so I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate that energy either - superiority, I know better, etc.

Yeah 
I need time humble myself and learn to be unabashedly honest without becoming so emotional that it keeps me from seeing clearly.

You don't know what you don't know

...and Ryan doesn't see how selfish and self centered he is. Everything is about him - how he feels - what he wants to do or doesn't want to do. What he wants to know or doesn't want to know. 

He helped me today to get my new utility trailer. He is there for me for things like that - but he won't give me clarity or understanding about where he stands in his decision on whether he wants to give it a go with me or not.

Okay Carissa, let's be honest. Obviously we know he doesn't want to. He wants to want to because it makes sense. 

Fuck you for your false advertising of me to Mr. Gray. I have given so much of myself to you. I work 2 jobs... sometimes very long hours... and I have to still take care of my animals and I have prioritized you... cooking for you when you let me and making time to spend with you doing what YOU like - watching Jeopardy usually - usually at your house. I bend myself to serve you to show that I am an asset to you - and you don't even see it. 

Sorry - that was an impromptu message that popped through for Ryan which I dont know if I'll send or not. But he makes me so mad! It's like with Paul... Paul never seemed to "commit" or "take responsibility". I guess he was committed to having me take care of him, but he never "manned up". I was playing out victim/victimizer with him and I am with Ryan now too. If a man wants you, you will know. He will make it known. You don't have to get him to make promises, he'll do it on his own. 

Ryan's not for me and I'm not for him. 

Can I flip the script and say Ryan IS for me and I AM for him? Can I make it so? Is that forcing it? Is that bulldog/willful shit there? Or is it romance and belief and manifestation and magic? 

When I give up too, it fizzles. That's how it always is. 
Except with Michael. But we were so different - I didn't like his blood sacrifice and misogyny talk (he didn't act like it, but he preached it)... and then the politics, and his forgetfulness... the age difference.

Anyway... ugh. 

How self-centered and selfish am I? I want to KNOW NOW. I want peace. I want security. I want a plan. (*I want, I want, I want.)

I want a strong man. I want that man to love me. I want someone who is loving and kind and magical and enjoys pondering the matters of the heart, mind, and soul. I want someone who cares for their body and likes to be outdoors and especially nature walks with doggies. I want someone friendly, funny, driven, and that wants to be in control, but that sees my needs and wants to meet them and laugh with me and make me feel like I'm in control too....like we're in it together. 

That could be Ryan in a couple years, but I might have shriveled by then. I can do anything I want to do. DREAM BIG and BE HAPPY!!

Break

Note to Ryan after yet another evening of discord. (He says he won't trust me with his phone because he says that I apparently don't trust him to tell him about my traumatic "pornographic image that is seared into my brain that Corie helped me by praying over me". This feels (a.) not true and an excuse, (b.) a way to "punish" me, and ...again, not true.

I am writing:

You are NOT trustworthy.

You ridicule me for my thoughts, feelings, and experiences as often as you can.

You don’t protect my heart, you stab and push and try to damage it further. 

You are selfish and self-centered. 

You are not on my side. You hate me, just like you hate yourself. (When what both of us need is LOVE.) When you learn to love yourself, maybe you'll recognize my love for you and have the capacity to treat it with the reverence it deserves. 

I am taking a break from you. I know we are going to Ireland in a week and a half. I intend to have a nice time. We travel well together and I like being with you. Hopefully you will choose to make it a positive experience for both of us as well. 

But for now, I need a break. We both need rest. 

___

And it's 11:11 (I sent that at 10:59, but just looked up after copying what I could from Telegram and saw that 11:11... very much what I'm experiencing.)

This weekend I need to:

Pack for Ireland
Get crystals to take with me - quartz points

While there, get some souvenirs for loved ones (family and work... and Michael of course...he is taking care of my beloveds)! And I want to get a claddagh ring for myself. 

How will I share photos?

Contention

A letter to Ryan:

I hope your day is going well and that you make good progress and have lots of fun (or satisfaction may be a better word) from putting in 34 windows.... though I'm sure you won't get them all in today... but I hope it's a good day and that you are vibing with Mr. Gray. 

I'm guessing Mr. Gray in the Conservatory with the Wrench? (Clue!)

I don't want this to go on and on and I don't want you to always have to be the responsible party for repairing rifts so I'll take a stab at this one with some candid sharing.

1. I thought it was really shitty that you blew up that dumb ass k-cup situation into something when it was nothing. I'm glad you found it in the garbage. I would have happily bought you new ones. It was a mystery from the start - I can't confess to something I don't know. I happily go along with whatever you dream up - although I didn't have the garbage top open so it's hard to agree to that, but will -again, happily- take blame, responsibility, and rectify the situation. MAYBE I threw it away, like you said? Like I took it out and threw it away? Sure, that could have been possible. I don't remember that. What stuck out to me was when I knocked the tower over and assumed two had dropped but could only find one. I looked all over for the other one and it was as if it had disappeared into thin air. I finally justified giving up on my search by hoping that one of them was not in use for whatever reason. Regardless, and again, I am happy to take moral and fiscal responsibility for this whole situation and have been from the getgo. It felt like sabotage to have you bring it up with vitriol and use it to kick me out and divide us when we had this date scheduled for over a month - something I was very much looking forward to sharing with you. YOU. My special friend. 

And you were just going to let it go by - you withheld your mask when I asked if I could at least borrow it ... you were going to let me miss the eclipse over this perceived slight with a k-cup. It feels very bad. 

And then you hardly talked to me during it, and you left me after without saying goodbye. It felt bad.

Afterwards when you invited me to talk at your house, you didn't seem to want to resolve it. I felt and acted lighthearted because I see this for what it is - stupid - and I don't have guilt about it, even though you wanted so much to instill that in me. And Ryan, I DIDN'T do anything wrong... no one did. It's just one of those things that happens. LIFE. And what I DID DO RIGHT was that I eagerly took responsibility for it and even had a bit of levity because of the mystery. 

I was happy when you let it go. But perhaps it was still lingering because...

2. You always invite me to sit with you when we watch a game together. The other day you made my heart swell when you plopped down with me on the ground. So sweet and kind! But you have never made me sit on the ground the whole time... no back support or anything. I struggled so much with my victim mentality during and after this situation. "He didn't invite me to sit with him." "He put his feet up so I couldn't lean back against the chair."  "He didn't talk to me the whole time." "He had uptight/angry energy... was being mean to me." ETC....

I battled in my head the whole time about going home but I (a.) wanted to watch the game (b.) wanted to watch the game with YOU as a shared experience (because I did have it on my little TV at home) and (c.) hoped things would get better... 

But I was hoping YOU'D take responsibility. I blamed you for creating the negatively charged atmosphere and wanted you to fix it. But that wasn't fair to you either. We help each other. When I'm being a brat, I still want you to love me and have an open heart that would allow me to address my own issues within myself. So I need to do the same for you. I do sometimes but I am not so strong and I see how when I sense your heart is closed, I close mine too. So we sit there with two upset closed hearts.

A few minutes before it was time to go, after I had visualized putting my shoes on and walking out without a word, I felt a softening... a remembering that I love you and that this was what it was and that I need to try to keep my heart open. When we hugged, I felt our hearts warm for one another - they know that the humans attached to them were having issues, but they were still so happy to have a hug. I went home conflicted - loving you in my heart, angry with you in my mind and ego. 

I am grateful for the opportunity to feel into all this. 

I'm sure you were waiting for me to ask to sit with you (as I usually do). I'm sure you felt hurt and lingering resentment about the k-cup incident and your hurt about being compared to someone you look down on. 

That's actually #3:

I stand by the statement that all humans are "crazy" in their own way. I don't think your crazy is the same as Michael's, Dee's, or mine... but I'm guessing you have your own special potion that makes you the way you are. Your Dad, Mom, and sister all have their own "crazy"... and that's OK. They are who they are. Wonderful, unique, and having their own life experience - choosing their holographic reality to live out... just like you. 

I think there's power ... healing maybe... freedom for sure....in letting go of the desire to appear _____ (whatever it is you want to look like).... sane... smart... hot... talented....and just BEING. Rolling around in whatever fantastical experience your soul wants to have... if you are interested in purple frogs, get allllll purply froggy and have a blast with it! When you're bored with that and you want to climb the Eiffel Tower and immerse yourself in French history, do it! This is what we are here for - LIFE! Exploration, adventure, learning, experiencing... to have a great time! Limiting the scope of your human life experience because you are worried about keeping up appearances (of not looking crazy, etc.) is detrimental only to YOU. 

Michael is gung ho about Yehovah - he wants to live his life according to God's master plan (as he sees it). You don't have to feel that way.... but if he does, more power to him! You want to live your life according to... who's plan? Yours? Your 3rd grade teacher's? Your mom's? 

Most of us live our lives by default... whatever feels right at the time is what we do. We're not intentional. Michael is intentional in most things. IMO it's possible he has followed his mind or Guidance to "leaders" that may not have his best interest at heart... I think giving so much power to one entity (the internet, qanon, torah) can create blind spots... 

I go into these consciousness traps where I immerse myself in a WAY for a while... but in the last couple years I've been floating on the surface, which maybe isn't great either. Just interesting. Learning to observe. 

Anyway... everyone is crazy... or not crazy as it were. They are doing what they feel is right. And you can choose to be around it or not. I've had many years of experience with Michael and I just don't allow it to penetrate me.... when there is judgemental energy (which is oppositional in nature), it is harder to stay neutral, but mostly I just watch (and allow myself to be entertained). 

Also, I 100% believe in chemtrails. I don't understand it. Seems like someone thinks they are doing something helpful, but they upset me. I think I told you about the time that I saw them HEAVILY gridding the sky right before a hurricane that ended up turning at the last minute... I felt sure that they were doing something like changing the density of the air to make it more palatable for the storm to go in a direction that caused less harm.  But I think what they are spraying is not okay.

"Conspiracy Theorist" is just a way to label and ridicule people who think differently than the mainstream. 

I've decided not to send this to Ryan, it's too much, but I will say here that it's because Ryan is not "AWAKE"... or wanting to awaken. He's slllllowly allowing light into his consciousness...slowly allowing his teams to show him other ways of thinking about things... but when he wakes up, he'll be voracious for other perspectives and to think outside the box, just like his "crazy, conspiracy theorists". He rejects it because it is HIM...he's being called up and out of the trap. He listened to an 8min Deepak Chopra talk and felt like he had taken the "red pill" in the Matrix. There's so much more of that. And I think he's on the road...

He's talking about quitting smoking. He's going to therapy. He's taking responsibility for his debt. He's starting his business and being intentional about a plan - not trading hours for dollars. He's doing it. I just need to hang on. And don't be judgemental myself. And don't allow it to trigger and grow my own negative ego. This is all here to help me TRIM mine. 

So what will I say to him?

I'm sorry about the contention between us yesterday. I care so much about you and hope we can soften and open our hearts together. Good luck with your 34 windows. 

Yep. Thank you God. It brings tears to my eyes. Thank you God!

_____

Note, it's so much easier to not eat baked goods... that addictive crazy feel in my eyes and brain and body isn't theres/or very strong. I can overcome it. It has a lot of power over me otherwise when I have active sugar going through my body. Is it in my mind. Can I have a little of something and not get more? I don't know. But I ordered that HLTH protein powder which looks good to me... I'm afraid it might be a trigger. I ordered a vanilla and a chocolate... the chocolate has me feeling a certain way...lusting after it. It has monkfruit and stevia so we'll see, but I like the idea of collagen... and I want to balance and eat whole, healthy, balanced, foods... good choices. Can I do that? Can I eat carbs? Is it all in my head? If I exercise, can I eat other things? But the bad...tasty...processed... bakery items...food looks so good. The carnivore meat thing keeps me safer.... and I feel so much better in my body. But my brain seems to need some brain food. Supplements? I don't know. Healthy fats? I like that protein powder because it has a mixture of fats and proteins etc.... it sounded balanced. It can be a meal replacement shake ... lunch. $100 for a month of lunches... seems reasonable. Will it be a treat and not a trigger... not a treat... tasty sustenance? Sustenance is what I need. Why is this so hard? It's not... it gets worse for you because you don't do what you know you should do... ie. don't eat processed food and sugar and wheat....  you used to be okay with whole foods and vegetables. Did I mess myself up eating Dr. Wilson's diet for all those years? Just oxalates... yes, so sort of. But we are going to work it out... but it would be nice to be able to eat a balanced meal and not have food consume me.

FOOD CONSUMES ME.

I'm supposed to consume food.

So many people struggle with this. This wasn't the case before... it's always been seen as the fuel that it is... and we get it from the earth. It's since it has become processed...since our whole lifestyle got kooky. This is what we're doing to ourselves...

If we got back to farming our own land... homesteading... exercise, purity, spirit fused into the food... love fused into the food. This is what we're missing. But in general, we are JACKED UP.

And that's all I have to say about that. 

Signs etc.

Seeing lots of 911 and 1911 and 1109

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Vega

It's 11:09 now. It feels like both a clearing for 911 timelines NRG timelines AND a healing for the Ruby Sun template (9D-11D) ... just was given 11:11 too. Seeing lots of 11:11 and 1:11 ... 

Saw/experienced integration with reds and violets... this Ruby mission/responsibility. Had a transit the other day that ultimately took me to my big rock where I was able to transmute or alchemize some of these energies. What a gift. Crystal consciousness. 

Also seeing lots of 12:12 and 12:13 and 13:12 and 13:13 ... masculine/feminine healing.

And 144s. Lots of them.

And mirror numbers. Lots of them. (10:01, 14:41, etc.)

Lyra has been big... Lyra/Vega seems resonant ... feels to be part of my mission strand and/or Source... one of my coats of Being. Part of my Way through. 

Such a nice experience, life, conversations, etc. with Ryan. Settling in, it feels.

Going well - beautiful life

Things have been going pretty darn well with Ryan. A snafu here and there, but we are both growing and healing. Today he was SO good to me and helped so much with cleaning out Sioux's run-in and moving hay and cleaning out the shed.... hours of hard work. And he was jovial and kind the whole time. Before we started, we had such a great conversation too (about ....I don't know...lots of stuff...but what love is and about bad smells and looking good, and probably God and ... just connected hearts.) We had a great round - maybe our best - of our Sunday crossword. He helped move Flower and her baby chick over to Dee's yesterday....we spent time together yesterday...oh, walked the dogs...but after I went to Corie's and Page's and lunch with Page and Caden (Char-Grill for Caden's birthday)....and such a lovely time with Corie and Hazel and Corie showed me how to use my new car... it was so perfect and lovely.... I went to see Ryan working at Jannelle's and helped him (a little) and we talked (we had had a misunderstanding the night before or something)... but it was so great! Do you know about my new car?? Ryan helped me pick it out and it has given me new life! It feels so good to have wheels that I can count on! I can go anywhere!! Yes, I'm in more debt than ever, but I have a comfortable and safe and lovely home and car and am out of credit card debt and we are going to Ireland! I'm so happy! Let me see if I shared about the car...

NOPE.

It's a 2021 Kia Sportage ... Corie helped me identify that it is Rainbow Glitter Black (not just black)... but it has all the bells and whistles and is so comfortable! 24K miles and cost a little less than 25K out the door. I love it so much!

I've enjoyed some lovely dog walks... Ryan and I went to Waynesboro park in Goldsboro and the pups and I went to White Deer and Benson Park in Garner. 

Tomorrow is a big solar eclipse.

We had my first Show and Sale at work last week... that was interesting and sad and it is what it is.

Ryan and I are planning to take the Real Estate Course and become realtors and help his dad, hopefully! 

It just feels like a lovely life. Great talk with Uncle Robert yesterday. And Misha. 

Carnivore diet is going well and I feel great in my body! Energy. 
I had a good chat with Lyra on Thursday. Very helpful. And another purge. And transit... just keep swimming.

Yep. Just a beautiful life, filled with all the things.

I love them all! Especially my boys, home, animals (Sioux and the cheekins), and Ryan! And my great family and job and friends... and GOD. Especially God and all the guidance... thank you to my Guidance Team... my trees and rocks and plants and all the wonderful energies nourishing and showing me the Way.