You don't know what you don't know

...and Ryan doesn't see how selfish and self centered he is. Everything is about him - how he feels - what he wants to do or doesn't want to do. What he wants to know or doesn't want to know. 

He helped me today to get my new utility trailer. He is there for me for things like that - but he won't give me clarity or understanding about where he stands in his decision on whether he wants to give it a go with me or not.

Okay Carissa, let's be honest. Obviously we know he doesn't want to. He wants to want to because it makes sense. 

Fuck you for your false advertising of me to Mr. Gray. I have given so much of myself to you. I work 2 jobs... sometimes very long hours... and I have to still take care of my animals and I have prioritized you... cooking for you when you let me and making time to spend with you doing what YOU like - watching Jeopardy usually - usually at your house. I bend myself to serve you to show that I am an asset to you - and you don't even see it. 

Sorry - that was an impromptu message that popped through for Ryan which I dont know if I'll send or not. But he makes me so mad! It's like with Paul... Paul never seemed to "commit" or "take responsibility". I guess he was committed to having me take care of him, but he never "manned up". I was playing out victim/victimizer with him and I am with Ryan now too. If a man wants you, you will know. He will make it known. You don't have to get him to make promises, he'll do it on his own. 

Ryan's not for me and I'm not for him. 

Can I flip the script and say Ryan IS for me and I AM for him? Can I make it so? Is that forcing it? Is that bulldog/willful shit there? Or is it romance and belief and manifestation and magic? 

When I give up too, it fizzles. That's how it always is. 
Except with Michael. But we were so different - I didn't like his blood sacrifice and misogyny talk (he didn't act like it, but he preached it)... and then the politics, and his forgetfulness... the age difference.

Anyway... ugh. 

How self-centered and selfish am I? I want to KNOW NOW. I want peace. I want security. I want a plan. (*I want, I want, I want.)

I want a strong man. I want that man to love me. I want someone who is loving and kind and magical and enjoys pondering the matters of the heart, mind, and soul. I want someone who cares for their body and likes to be outdoors and especially nature walks with doggies. I want someone friendly, funny, driven, and that wants to be in control, but that sees my needs and wants to meet them and laugh with me and make me feel like I'm in control too....like we're in it together. 

That could be Ryan in a couple years, but I might have shriveled by then. I can do anything I want to do. DREAM BIG and BE HAPPY!!