He insults me for anything he can...even when I'm trying to look nice for him, or do nice things for him. I made his rice for him and I did it wrong. Everything I do, I do something wrong.
Carissa, you see now how your partners have felt.
You kept them on the hook because you were good and kind sometimes... and they saw and felt good in you too... like you do with Ryan... but you did the same thing... nitpicking, nothing is good enough, make people feel small however you could so that you could feel better about yourself.
Learn from this.
And I surrender to God to lead.
God, also teach me more about Librarian and anything that Lyra taught me today about the grids and shelves (?) and the things I need to know about owning my energy field and keeping or taking control of the energies that affect me. I pray for protection and guidance. Amen.
____
Just now he gaslit me. He is so screwed in the head - so cruel. So dishonest with himself and me. And he blames everyone else.... he won't see how he was cold and unkind when I went over to make dinner that I provided for him. I bought a chicken at Costco, started his rice (wrong), got over to cook the fresh veggies I bought him (late). I have been shopping and preparing for OUR trip. I'm overwhelmed, and overspent.
I got all this makeup and push up bra to look pretty for him. I got my brows waxed and dyed, for him. And he didn't have anything much to say. He said I have lipstick all over my lips... questioned me about why I looked like that. Made fun of me.
I am done with this. Get myself a claddah ring from Ireland, heal my vibration, do my work there, and then love myself and attract someone KIND.
I'm overtired. And stressed about all I have to do.
Just breathe and know that I AM GOD, SOVEREIGN, FREE.
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4/24/24
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