Dee processing

I wrote this on April 21 after talking with Ryan... I was trying to process more and understand more about the Dee divide. It feels so bad. Last night I had a dream that it was repaired and we were friends and it was sunny and nice. I sent her a text this morning saying that I was so sorry and that I hoped we could talk soon and that I missed her. I need to just rest in it. And wear my villain crown. 

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I don’t have to justify myself to anyone. Just hear your own heart. I see you sweet girl, trying the best you can all the time, trying to make everyone happy and heard and safe. It’s time to let it all go. Let the walls fall down. Stop trying so hard all the time to be liked and loved. Trying to keep the peace and smooth everything…. Do what’s right for you sometimes. Learn that people are fickle and you can’t count on them all the time … but don’t get hard or bitter. Just find honesty within. You were honest about being mad- to Ryan - and you shared that you tried to do the right thing through that. But it wasn’t the right thing. There are lots of moving pieces- not the least of which is that you look down on (with MY ego and superiority) the choice that they make for their animals sometimes. You disrespect and condemn and have contempt for the lack of responsibility they take - sometimes (ie that chicken cage and their dog running out of their gate.)

I didn’t take Dee’s anger and behavior seriously because I thought it was silly and petty and unfounded. So again, it’s MY EGO, looking at her like an imbecile - so looking down on her with superiority again.

I see how I do that a lot- I worry about her and try to coddle her so she doesn’t hurt herself, etc. so I’m sure she doesn’t appreciate that energy either - superiority, I know better, etc.

Yeah 
I need time humble myself and learn to be unabashedly honest without becoming so emotional that it keeps me from seeing clearly.