Perhaps I was deeply impacted by listening to Eminem's new album this morning...some of it...but I think I was primed. I was talking with my boys (Moses & Sunshine) this morning on our walk about this a bit as well....
basically I am feeling the need to not care anymore...is it a trick of the mind or a call of my heart? I don't want to care. I don't care isn't true, but I want to not care. I want to just say whatever the heck I want... I want to really get to know myself and my true feelings and stop holding back in order to be nice. I don't want to be nice anymore. These people hurt me. It hurts me when Ryan looks at porn and oogles other women and yesterday the hiding component of it, the ducking down and pretending to be looking at a candy so he could get another eyeful of a lady at walmart...it was just weird and it hurt me and I pretended it was okay and laugh it off, but it's not okay. It's never okay...and the swearing at me isn't okay and the shaming isn't okay and I just am ready to tuck into my own nest and hole up and lick my wounds. Why do I want to do this when we finally have help and Ryan is making strides and now I'm feeling ready to feel my feelings? I don't like his poverty consciousness. I don't want to live small. I want to explore the world, I want to work and play hard. I like doing chores together. I don't like wasting my time and life waiting for Ryan to smoke or sit or whatever. I should DO ME and just let Ryan do him...let him BE. I feel such hope for his soul and our potential when he is interested in questions about God. But I want to ask bigger ones. But I'm not. I'm right where I AM. And that's okay. If I took some steps backwards, it's okay. This is part of my path that I'm carving, blazing, but I want an exciting one with lookouts and waterfalls and cool refreshing air and streams and my best friends with me. I'm sad. I feel sad. And it's okay. I do care. But I want to be able to speak freely. I want to let myself feel my own truth and know it and express it. I don't want to be nice anymore.
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