I think it must be normal for us to ponder the cross more during this time of the year. Ok... it IS normal. Everyone is talking about it... all the cool kids are blogging about it... all the pastors are preaching about it... all the angels are whispering about it. It's TERRIBLE that I don't think about it more... I should. I don't. Ok... and honestly- I still don't "get it" the way I should.
I was just emailing my friend Greg and telling him that I thought that my heart was "hardened" to the reality of what Jesus did for us on the cross. I don't know why some things/thoughts/revelations are so startling and alive in my mind, and some are just - well - dull imagery. I am measuring this by my experience with the opening of my eyes and heart to to God's Word. See, my eyes have just recently been opened to the Bible... I now read it and breathe it in a way that I didn't even think was possible... for some reason it all makes sense... it is the FiOS network between my soul and God... between the Spirit and the Father... it brings me life and direction and purpose and fresh air (when I read it with an open heart). I KNOW that I sound crazy when I write this stuff- it doesn't make sense to you unless you've experienced it. I used to hear people say this same thing and I nodded my head in agreement- but I didn't really GET IT the way I do now. I wish there were a way to share this with others so that they could understand...so their eyes would be opened. There isn't though... not really... I can only allow the Spirit to share it (through me?) and the Spirit to open their eyes (through them?). They just have to be willing to allow themselves to be changed... they have to be willing to give up themselves and let God take the wheel. Easy, right? RIGHT! No- not really. Not easy... we are so immersed in ourselves- we have been taught to take care of ourselves... that we control our circumstances... that if we just ____ (whatever it is), then we will get ____ (whatever it is). But God's gifts and promises are so much better than what we can procure for ourselves. We just have to LET GO and LET GOD! Classic.
I am such a bad surrenderer. I surrender as often as I remember to surrender... which isn't often enough. I am so mired in SELF. I am so focused on MY EXPERIENCES... even the experience of God... I make that about ME. How can I stop that? How can I just constantly keep my eyes focused upwards? Yes- I've got to practice using the Sword of the Spirit. I've got to learn my weapon (the Bible)... I've got to rely on my armor (peace, faith, righteousness, etc. <-- I think. I can't find it right now in the Bible. I am blocked. I am not tuned into the Spirit right now. I've got to stop blabbing because it's not Spirit led. See that. I need to be MORE Spirit led. When God wants me to do something- he makes it EASY for me. This is too difficult now.
The point that I was trying to make was that I want to be broken for our Lord... I want to see what He did and I want to want to take the cross from HIM. I want to want to feel each lash that He felt for me. I want to want to bleed on behalf of my SAVIOR. He saved me. I don't deserve it. I am just me...a nothing... He is the Creator...and EVERYTHING... and I just don't get it. I don't understand. I don't want it- but I DO WANT IT... I heard someone talk about how they don't think they deserve to be thanked or appreciated - and I relate to that in a way- I don't take a compliment very well myself- but I am trying to be better about it... I'm trying to do things that bring glory to God... so any compliments that I "earn" are not mine at all- but God's... because I want to be so supple that everything that I do is God working through me. ** Ooops....that was the wrong thought path- I wanted to say that I think that it's a good thing to think we are unworthy- we ARE unworthy of everything... but we just need to take that feeling of unworthiness and lift it up to God and allow Him to transform it because HE IS WORTHY. If we are living for and by Him, then our actions are His and HE should be glorified. He WASN'T worthy of dying on the cross for us. He didn't deserve that at all... I deserved that - that was all me... but He took it. (ack. I still don't get it the way I should. As I write this, I should be broken, but I'm not.)
I want to be broken before the Lord. I want to know Him more. I know what I am asking for- I DO KNOW... and I still want it. I want to live completely for Him... not just when I'm on the mountaintops- but also when I'm in the valley... I want to feel the hand of the Spirit in all that I think, say, and do.
I must decrease and He must increase. See that?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Word
I use a LOT of useless words... I just yap. In contrast to that- every single word in the Bible is inspired by God... He breathes His loving breath into our lives through those magnificent words. Let me not take them for granted.
DO let me take MY words for granted. They AREN'T that important. May peace, humility, and a quiet spirit rule my words.
<3
DO let me take MY words for granted. They AREN'T that important. May peace, humility, and a quiet spirit rule my words.
<3
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Doesn't matter
Happiness matters. When and where I was saved does NOT matter. A date doesn't matter... only the FACT that I AM one of the Father's children- saved by grace- matters.
Yesterday, after some good old fashioned stewing, followed by some minor research, and topped with a great encounter with the Spirit- I partook in a wonderful convo with my friend where I started bumbling about whether or not I had been saved for all these years. I talked about how it was so crazy because I FELT saved for years. I felt secure in my salvation and that I was going to heaven. I talked about how I felt connected to God and I LOVED to worship Him. I loved church and being in His presence...the intensity of it ebbed and flowed with life's ups and downs through the past few years...but I definitely felt "saved". However, I cannot point to a time where I have ever felt the way I feel now --> the feeling of God IN me. I knew He was around me before...but I didn't understand the concept of Him being IN me... now I do.
I think I just finally SURRENDERED to God. I surrendered... I gave Him my whole heart and He sent His Spirit in to rescue me... to give me new life. I don't know how many times the Spirit knocked... I don't know how many times God tried to hold my life up for me- but I kept thinking that I was strong enough to do it myself... how silly. How silly. (But as I say that- I feel myself trying to take my life back even in just trying to understand God's plan. I can't understand His plans- not even His plans for my little life... they are all so complex and wondrous. See that?? I still have such a selfishness problem (it's all about me and if it's not- I'm trying to position myself to make it about me)... a pride problem (recognize me).... and a fear problem (why can't I trust this God who has rocked my world to BE MY ROCK?) He's got everything... WHY can't I get past myself to rest in that? - selfishness. pride. fear. desire to control my world. It's NOT MY WORLD though!! It's not my life. I want this life - my thoughts and my actions- to line up with TRUTH...with the reality of what God has given us... His Spirit and His Word. How the heck do I get out of my own way?
I'm in my own way even in my desire to understand what it means to get out of my own way.
I've got to continue to surrender to Him daily.
I've got to surrender to Him as often as I can - all day everyday!! Wouldn't that be great? That is what my call should be to myself... to surrender to God's will ALWAYS. Surrender through prayer and earnest conversation with the Lord. Surrender by giving myself over to His Word -know the Bible and measure circumstances and situations and questions by what God says about them. I must surrender by giving of myself wholeheartedly and transparently in Christ-centered relationships. I must surrender by giving all I have (because I am RICH) to others - I don't need it but I hold onto it... how can I give it away? How does God want me to give it away?
When I surrender, He takes control and that's when the magic happens. I have NEVER been happier than I am right now. In my struggles- or things that would have been struggles before... health concerns...ambiguity...GOD is shining His light on them/me... making them/me beautiful...transforming them/me.
But I must remember that I will never arrive. I will never arrive. I will never arrive.
...and that's OK.
I have arrived when I am weakest. I have arrived when I have truly surrendered. The second that I pick a piece of myself back up (which I do every second)... I am hurting myself. Surrender again. Surrender it all. I don't want it, and when I do- that's when I least need it.
Surrender.
Sweep me away.
<3
Yesterday, after some good old fashioned stewing, followed by some minor research, and topped with a great encounter with the Spirit- I partook in a wonderful convo with my friend where I started bumbling about whether or not I had been saved for all these years. I talked about how it was so crazy because I FELT saved for years. I felt secure in my salvation and that I was going to heaven. I talked about how I felt connected to God and I LOVED to worship Him. I loved church and being in His presence...the intensity of it ebbed and flowed with life's ups and downs through the past few years...but I definitely felt "saved". However, I cannot point to a time where I have ever felt the way I feel now --> the feeling of God IN me. I knew He was around me before...but I didn't understand the concept of Him being IN me... now I do.
I think I just finally SURRENDERED to God. I surrendered... I gave Him my whole heart and He sent His Spirit in to rescue me... to give me new life. I don't know how many times the Spirit knocked... I don't know how many times God tried to hold my life up for me- but I kept thinking that I was strong enough to do it myself... how silly. How silly. (But as I say that- I feel myself trying to take my life back even in just trying to understand God's plan. I can't understand His plans- not even His plans for my little life... they are all so complex and wondrous. See that?? I still have such a selfishness problem (it's all about me and if it's not- I'm trying to position myself to make it about me)... a pride problem (recognize me).... and a fear problem (why can't I trust this God who has rocked my world to BE MY ROCK?) He's got everything... WHY can't I get past myself to rest in that? - selfishness. pride. fear. desire to control my world. It's NOT MY WORLD though!! It's not my life. I want this life - my thoughts and my actions- to line up with TRUTH...with the reality of what God has given us... His Spirit and His Word. How the heck do I get out of my own way?
I'm in my own way even in my desire to understand what it means to get out of my own way.
I've got to continue to surrender to Him daily.
I've got to surrender to Him as often as I can - all day everyday!! Wouldn't that be great? That is what my call should be to myself... to surrender to God's will ALWAYS. Surrender through prayer and earnest conversation with the Lord. Surrender by giving myself over to His Word -know the Bible and measure circumstances and situations and questions by what God says about them. I must surrender by giving of myself wholeheartedly and transparently in Christ-centered relationships. I must surrender by giving all I have (because I am RICH) to others - I don't need it but I hold onto it... how can I give it away? How does God want me to give it away?
When I surrender, He takes control and that's when the magic happens. I have NEVER been happier than I am right now. In my struggles- or things that would have been struggles before... health concerns...ambiguity...GOD is shining His light on them/me... making them/me beautiful...transforming them/me.
But I must remember that I will never arrive. I will never arrive. I will never arrive.
...and that's OK.
I have arrived when I am weakest. I have arrived when I have truly surrendered. The second that I pick a piece of myself back up (which I do every second)... I am hurting myself. Surrender again. Surrender it all. I don't want it, and when I do- that's when I least need it.
Surrender.
Sweep me away.
<3
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saved
I'm FILLED with FEAR. I'm a fear-head. I'm fear-full. I'm scared of EVERYTHING!!
... or at least I was. I'm changing. I feel the change. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself... BUT... now...today...I'm scared of not changing. I'm scared to stagnate. I'm scared to get pulled back into my own world. I don't really trust my world anymore. I'm not digging the fact that I'm not living in the "on-cloud-9-in-the-Spirit" mindset right now. It's been almost a week since that dissipated (the feeling of not having anything else except my desire to live as the Holy Spirit prompts.)
I've lived with my head in the clouds for almost 3 months... a solid 2 anyway... and it feels weird to be back here on earth. My friend Le'Anna told me that it is probably because it is a new phase in my relationship with God. I was in the "new love" stage of my relationship (where everything revolves around Him and my love for Him. All I wanted to do was to seek Him and know Him and be with Him). Now, she says, our relationship is maturing. I guess that's true...but I miss how it was. Oswald Chambers reminded me today that "We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration, but we must obey the light we received there; we must act it out."
[stomps foot]
But I WANT to stay on the mount!!! I WANT to stay on the mount!! There MUST be a way!!! Oh- but "not my will be done" comes to mind. That's a verse too. It's weird the way my mind now thinks in scripture. I LOVE that too! I want to know more scripture - did I tell you that I had this experience a few weeks ago where I can (for the first time in my life) READ the Bible!!!??? I mean- I read it before. I read it a lot... ok... not a lot. I tried to read it like a book and got stuck.... but I've read/referenced/studied it a bit in Bible study classes and church and small group for many years. -- however -- NOW I see it anew... now it truly is the "LIVING WORD"... it speaks to me. Like a child who hasn't eaten for days - I inhale the scriptures - feeling their nourishment strengthening me!
EEP!! Let me tell you THIS!!! I just thought of it. THIS is HUGE!!!! I might have JUST BEEN SAVED?!!! Can you believe that?? I can't - but I do. So, here's the story --> I was totally a Christian (or so I thought) since AT LEAST 2005. I "accepted (let's discuss this word= "accepted" at some point... not now... that would be WAAAY off base- but someday- let's talk about it!) Christ as my Lord and Savior" in 1990 when I was 12 or 13 with my friend in middle school- I got baptized and the whole nine... but when we moved away a few months later, I never went back to church until 2005 (it might have been 2004- but I think it was '05) - aaaaanywayyyyy - THEN I was re-baptized with my husband (we renewed our vows in the baptismal because we were originally married by a Justice of the Peace). So for the next 5 years I've been living a life as a "Christian"... but honestly... the "fruits of the Spirit" = NOT THERE. I didn't really think anything of it until now... now when I DEFINITELY have the Spirit living in me- now the fruits are SO evident to me - I think differently now. My whole DNA seems to have changed. It's pretty crazyamazingawesome, if I do say so myself!
I hesitate about posting this. What if by saying this, I deter someone? What if I take away their thoughts that they have been saved? One of my teachers made it very evident that we shouldn't discourage people by speaking about God in a way that would make others think they aren't saved... no. That's not really how it went down. It went down like this. The discussion was about Matthew 7:13-14 - the broad gate and the narrow gate to God's Kingdom (heaven?). 14 says "But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." The conversation was about how the road is "difficult" and whether that was true in our lives. Some people thought that the road WASN'T difficult because Jesus makes it easy... because if you surrender to Him...if your life is truly His- he makes your "struggles" easy. I thought of Matt 11:28-30 Then Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.") - I believe this. But our teacher wanted us to think about/know that it is NOT EASY to follow Jesus. You have to give up much... and it's true. Your life is not your own anymore... BUT (and here's a big BUT)... to me, it was a nonissue... mostly because God did all the work in me for me.
What am I talking about? I just go OFF, don't I? Yeah- that's ok. It's entertaining to me. This post is so long that I will probably be the only one who ever reads it- but that's ok too! :)
Ah- I was just saying... I think that I was JUST saved. I think that the Holy Spirit came into me THIS year- on January 2. Craziness... (note, I thought the date was the 4th, but I looked at a calendar and it was the New Year's Saturday night Journey Church service that this happened at and the first Saturday of January was the 2nd). Anyway, judging by my pastor's illustration of what happened to HIM when the Spirit came into him (he told us about it this past weekend. He mentioned the snot- maaaan- there was so much snot and tears that came out of me that day! ha!)- and judging by the experience that I had (powerful, life changing, rocked-to-the-core) and how my life was completely changed from that point - I am pretty sure that I wasn't saved before. Honestly- I feel some shame about this. I almost feel like a liar- all those years that I said I was saved... what a poor example of a Christian I was. Let me comfort myself for a minute though- Carissa, you didn't know. BUT NOW I KNOW!! :)
God has just done such incredible things with my life. In these few short months He has given me friends/community, a purpose (to serve Him in all that I do- my purpose is to continually set myself aside and live a life of love, by faith- being in tune with the Spirit's prompt in my heart), and love (yes, God's love.... and that is ENOUGH. However, He has also filled me with love for my husband - but I have to see how His plan is fulfilled in that. (with hope and faith)).
Well- this has been a hodge podge of blog thoughts. Believe it or not- I deleted some ramblings too! Ha! :) I guess it just comes back to this-
I am whole. I am whole because God is in me.
... or at least I was. I'm changing. I feel the change. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself... BUT... now...today...I'm scared of not changing. I'm scared to stagnate. I'm scared to get pulled back into my own world. I don't really trust my world anymore. I'm not digging the fact that I'm not living in the "on-cloud-9-in-the-Spirit" mindset right now. It's been almost a week since that dissipated (the feeling of not having anything else except my desire to live as the Holy Spirit prompts.)
I've lived with my head in the clouds for almost 3 months... a solid 2 anyway... and it feels weird to be back here on earth. My friend Le'Anna told me that it is probably because it is a new phase in my relationship with God. I was in the "new love" stage of my relationship (where everything revolves around Him and my love for Him. All I wanted to do was to seek Him and know Him and be with Him). Now, she says, our relationship is maturing. I guess that's true...but I miss how it was. Oswald Chambers reminded me today that "We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration, but we must obey the light we received there; we must act it out."
[stomps foot]
But I WANT to stay on the mount!!! I WANT to stay on the mount!! There MUST be a way!!! Oh- but "not my will be done" comes to mind. That's a verse too. It's weird the way my mind now thinks in scripture. I LOVE that too! I want to know more scripture - did I tell you that I had this experience a few weeks ago where I can (for the first time in my life) READ the Bible!!!??? I mean- I read it before. I read it a lot... ok... not a lot. I tried to read it like a book and got stuck.... but I've read/referenced/studied it a bit in Bible study classes and church and small group for many years. -- however -- NOW I see it anew... now it truly is the "LIVING WORD"... it speaks to me. Like a child who hasn't eaten for days - I inhale the scriptures - feeling their nourishment strengthening me!
EEP!! Let me tell you THIS!!! I just thought of it. THIS is HUGE!!!! I might have JUST BEEN SAVED?!!! Can you believe that?? I can't - but I do. So, here's the story --> I was totally a Christian (or so I thought) since AT LEAST 2005. I "accepted (let's discuss this word= "accepted" at some point... not now... that would be WAAAY off base- but someday- let's talk about it!) Christ as my Lord and Savior" in 1990 when I was 12 or 13 with my friend in middle school- I got baptized and the whole nine... but when we moved away a few months later, I never went back to church until 2005 (it might have been 2004- but I think it was '05) - aaaaanywayyyyy - THEN I was re-baptized with my husband (we renewed our vows in the baptismal because we were originally married by a Justice of the Peace). So for the next 5 years I've been living a life as a "Christian"... but honestly... the "fruits of the Spirit" = NOT THERE. I didn't really think anything of it until now... now when I DEFINITELY have the Spirit living in me- now the fruits are SO evident to me - I think differently now. My whole DNA seems to have changed. It's pretty crazyamazingawesome, if I do say so myself!
I hesitate about posting this. What if by saying this, I deter someone? What if I take away their thoughts that they have been saved? One of my teachers made it very evident that we shouldn't discourage people by speaking about God in a way that would make others think they aren't saved... no. That's not really how it went down. It went down like this. The discussion was about Matthew 7:13-14 - the broad gate and the narrow gate to God's Kingdom (heaven?). 14 says "But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." The conversation was about how the road is "difficult" and whether that was true in our lives. Some people thought that the road WASN'T difficult because Jesus makes it easy... because if you surrender to Him...if your life is truly His- he makes your "struggles" easy. I thought of Matt 11:28-30 Then Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.") - I believe this. But our teacher wanted us to think about/know that it is NOT EASY to follow Jesus. You have to give up much... and it's true. Your life is not your own anymore... BUT (and here's a big BUT)... to me, it was a nonissue... mostly because God did all the work in me for me.
What am I talking about? I just go OFF, don't I? Yeah- that's ok. It's entertaining to me. This post is so long that I will probably be the only one who ever reads it- but that's ok too! :)
Ah- I was just saying... I think that I was JUST saved. I think that the Holy Spirit came into me THIS year- on January 2. Craziness... (note, I thought the date was the 4th, but I looked at a calendar and it was the New Year's Saturday night Journey Church service that this happened at and the first Saturday of January was the 2nd). Anyway, judging by my pastor's illustration of what happened to HIM when the Spirit came into him (he told us about it this past weekend. He mentioned the snot- maaaan- there was so much snot and tears that came out of me that day! ha!)- and judging by the experience that I had (powerful, life changing, rocked-to-the-core) and how my life was completely changed from that point - I am pretty sure that I wasn't saved before. Honestly- I feel some shame about this. I almost feel like a liar- all those years that I said I was saved... what a poor example of a Christian I was. Let me comfort myself for a minute though- Carissa, you didn't know. BUT NOW I KNOW!! :)
God has just done such incredible things with my life. In these few short months He has given me friends/community, a purpose (to serve Him in all that I do- my purpose is to continually set myself aside and live a life of love, by faith- being in tune with the Spirit's prompt in my heart), and love (yes, God's love.... and that is ENOUGH. However, He has also filled me with love for my husband - but I have to see how His plan is fulfilled in that. (with hope and faith)).
Well- this has been a hodge podge of blog thoughts. Believe it or not- I deleted some ramblings too! Ha! :) I guess it just comes back to this-
I am whole. I am whole because God is in me.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Peace
I have peace - and more is to come.
I must submit to God's will in everything. Learn to tune into God's prompting... learn to discern the difference between HIS voice and mine. Learn humility. I may be wrong. --> No. I was wrong. I am wrong. I was wrong about going to Africa (now)... for now.
I know this is His will (not going now (early/prior to my missions trip in June))...I went through all that (wading through the will of man) for a reason. I am so blessed!!! What have I learned? That I am fallible. That God is not. That I must seek Him in all things. That God will open the doors that need to be opened...that in all things- seek Him first. Rest in Him. Take His yoke. It's all about Him. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength. Love my neighbors. Do what is right.
SURRENDER. (first)
Pray.
Seek.
Listen.
Respond.
Love.
I am at peace.
[aaaahhhhh!]
***Later***
I am SO BLESSED!! So incredibly blessed!! God is doing miracles in my life.... everyday... all day!! Example- I just got a text from my friend which jumpstarted [my heart - isn't that a song?] a domino effect of joy. It is my goal and hope that whatever it is that God DOES have for me- His purpose in all this- in all that he gives, and all that he takes away - that it glorifies His name! I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!
Do you have any idea how incredibly blessed I am? I have been given NEW LIFE?!!!!! I have the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE LIVING INSIDE OF ME!!! I am ecstatic. <-- I wrote that world "ectatic" in all caps- but by the time I figured out how to spell it, some of my excitement had depleted! lol! ;)
All I'm saying is that EVERYTHING that I am living and experiencing- it is all for God's Glory. My life is an example of His grace.
My focus needs to be on God and His goodness and the miracles that He has blessed me with. If I'm honest and quiet and focused- I'll see that God is in everything around me... that I can look, feel, see ANYTHING and see Him ... and then respond. RESPONSE...that's the key. What do I do when I see Him? Am I obedient? Am I argumentative? Am I blind? Am I so immersed in myself and my thoughts and my "day" that I don't even look for Him? How do I learn to seek Him in all that I do and see and say and experience and love and live? How? I don't know. Practice, I guess. Practice.
My time now should definitely be spent practicing - I need to practice living and loving God in all that I do. I need to constantly acknowledge His amazingness and my not-so-amazingness. Let me look at my surroundings with my new eyes and let me respond to them with God's immutable love. Let me learn from Jesus how to do that. Let me learn from God- from the Bible- from the Spirit- from the incredible people that God has surrounded me with to help me to know Him better. I am SO BLESSED by my relationships with my new friends... their encouragement, trials, and experiences have enriched my life in uncountable ways [is that a word? uncountable? I dont' think so. Innumerable? Is that a word? Probably... maybe just spelled wrong? I don't know. I don't care.] I JUST care about living my love for Jesus out loud. I JUST care about staying true to the Spirit... about submitting to the Spirit... about stepping back and letting the Spirit lead... about... yeah... being swept awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Let me be forever transparent- no matter how crazy it makes me look.
You know- I don't even FEEL crazy anymore. I just don't care anymore. I really don't care what others think. I'm living for and by the Spirit (- ummm... hello Ms. Pride- I have not and will never "arrive"- I'm merely TRYING to live for and by the Spirit) - living FOR God and BY the Spirit - trying to emulate Jesus. There's nothing better. Nada.
I don't want to stop typing, but I must. I need to go back to work. I'd much rather just sit and type about my love of God forever- but. yeah. I can't. darn. :P
I love you too.
<3
I must submit to God's will in everything. Learn to tune into God's prompting... learn to discern the difference between HIS voice and mine. Learn humility. I may be wrong. --> No. I was wrong. I am wrong. I was wrong about going to Africa (now)... for now.
I know this is His will (not going now (early/prior to my missions trip in June))...I went through all that (wading through the will of man) for a reason. I am so blessed!!! What have I learned? That I am fallible. That God is not. That I must seek Him in all things. That God will open the doors that need to be opened...that in all things- seek Him first. Rest in Him. Take His yoke. It's all about Him. Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, strength. Love my neighbors. Do what is right.
SURRENDER. (first)
Pray.
Seek.
Listen.
Respond.
Love.
I am at peace.
[aaaahhhhh!]
***Later***
I am SO BLESSED!! So incredibly blessed!! God is doing miracles in my life.... everyday... all day!! Example- I just got a text from my friend which jumpstarted [my heart - isn't that a song?] a domino effect of joy. It is my goal and hope that whatever it is that God DOES have for me- His purpose in all this- in all that he gives, and all that he takes away - that it glorifies His name! I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH!!!!!!
Do you have any idea how incredibly blessed I am? I have been given NEW LIFE?!!!!! I have the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE LIVING INSIDE OF ME!!! I am ecstatic. <-- I wrote that world "ectatic" in all caps- but by the time I figured out how to spell it, some of my excitement had depleted! lol! ;)
All I'm saying is that EVERYTHING that I am living and experiencing- it is all for God's Glory. My life is an example of His grace.
My focus needs to be on God and His goodness and the miracles that He has blessed me with. If I'm honest and quiet and focused- I'll see that God is in everything around me... that I can look, feel, see ANYTHING and see Him ... and then respond. RESPONSE...that's the key. What do I do when I see Him? Am I obedient? Am I argumentative? Am I blind? Am I so immersed in myself and my thoughts and my "day" that I don't even look for Him? How do I learn to seek Him in all that I do and see and say and experience and love and live? How? I don't know. Practice, I guess. Practice.
My time now should definitely be spent practicing - I need to practice living and loving God in all that I do. I need to constantly acknowledge His amazingness and my not-so-amazingness. Let me look at my surroundings with my new eyes and let me respond to them with God's immutable love. Let me learn from Jesus how to do that. Let me learn from God- from the Bible- from the Spirit- from the incredible people that God has surrounded me with to help me to know Him better. I am SO BLESSED by my relationships with my new friends... their encouragement, trials, and experiences have enriched my life in uncountable ways [is that a word? uncountable? I dont' think so. Innumerable? Is that a word? Probably... maybe just spelled wrong? I don't know. I don't care.] I JUST care about living my love for Jesus out loud. I JUST care about staying true to the Spirit... about submitting to the Spirit... about stepping back and letting the Spirit lead... about... yeah... being swept awaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Let me be forever transparent- no matter how crazy it makes me look.
You know- I don't even FEEL crazy anymore. I just don't care anymore. I really don't care what others think. I'm living for and by the Spirit (- ummm... hello Ms. Pride- I have not and will never "arrive"- I'm merely TRYING to live for and by the Spirit) - living FOR God and BY the Spirit - trying to emulate Jesus. There's nothing better. Nada.
I don't want to stop typing, but I must. I need to go back to work. I'd much rather just sit and type about my love of God forever- but. yeah. I can't. darn. :P
I love you too.
<3
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Sweep me away
Do you know how much God loves you?
I just wanted to make sure.
God loves me SOOOOOOO much!!!
I have so much to blog about. I have so much to share. So much that it is overwhelming. I have been holding back. I have held back because I was afraid of what you would think. I was afraid that you would judge me and that it would make a difference.
It doesn't make a difference. The only thing that matters is that I live for and by God's will/purpose.
I have the Spirit of the Lord living in me. Yes, living INSIDE of me- driving me - flying me (because I just thought of my friend Geoff-the-pilot)... He (God/the Spirit) moves me. My friend Tobias once asked "What MOVES me?"... At the time, I don't know what I said... maybe "beauty, art, the universe, love"... but NOW I know that the ONLY thing that moves me...the only thing that SHOULD move me is the Holy Spirit - the voice of God in my life, showing me how to live by the example of Christ.
I am tired of saying and doing things for other people. I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm tired of trying to care for others on my own strength. ACTUALLY- I think I got tired of that last year... and as I did, my empathy and loving actions ebbed. In my new life which is often (yet not often enough- not 100%) driven by the prompting of the Spirit, I do not grow weary of caring. If anything, I am frustrated by the expectations of the world (work, sleep, etc.) that get in the way of my caring. I want more time to worship God. I want more time to KNOW God. I want more time to share God with my friends. I want more time to explore and experience this amazing world that is a fleeting gift.
I have two things that God has placed on my heart. Not only two...there are so many. But two big changes for me. Two big "actionables" that I feel that I must do. I will put them out here because I have nothing to hide. I want to be an open book- living and loving only for God.
1. This is number one because it came first - not because it is the most important, because I don't think it is. I feel like I must go to Africa to sit with and love orphans for a few months. I feel like I need to go there and experience God's love. He has a gift for me. He has something there for me to see. I must go to see it. *** I feel like I have been fighting human (first myself, then others) to explain the necessity that I obey God in this. I am still fighting.... until now. Until this moment. I will not fight anymore. God will fight. I will submit. I will pray that God's will be done. ONLY God's will - nothing else.
2. I have been given a husband. A marriage blessed by God (as all marriages are). A call to serve God as the wife of my husband. I have irresponsibly taken that call for granted. I smashed it into the ground with the heel of my own selfishness and pride. God has opened my eyes to that. He has shown me how wrong I was and how I can rectify the situation (by seeking Him and submitting to His will for my life). * Note, I don't know how this will turn out, all I know is that with all my heart, I want to do the right thing and that I surrender my life and will to God to do with what he pleases in all things.
...in all things.
That's heavy.
I don't actually do this, do I? Of course not. I try to... in fact, I can't think of anything that I'm holding back right now. [pause] [pause] [pause] I just put my finger to my temple and thought longer... and I know that I AM holding things back... things that I don't want to admit. Yes - My fear. I'm holding back my fear. I'm holding back my trust that He has all things. I'm holding back my joy. I'm holding back LOTS right now. WOW. Seriously. I have problems.
My biggest problem is pride. My biggest problem is that I seek approval. My biggest problem is that I position myself to sound better than I am. I biggest problem is that I think that I know more than other people. My biggest problem is that I want to control my own life and circumstances and what goes on around me.
My biggest problem is me.
This weekend one of the songs was an amazing rendition of "Sweep Me Away" by Charlie Hall. Sweep me awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy. That just echoes in my head. It has for days now. It must continue to. I must be swept away... I am just dust.... so that all that is left is the Spirit... the light of God....working and living through me. That's all.
I just wanted to make sure.
God loves me SOOOOOOO much!!!
I have so much to blog about. I have so much to share. So much that it is overwhelming. I have been holding back. I have held back because I was afraid of what you would think. I was afraid that you would judge me and that it would make a difference.
It doesn't make a difference. The only thing that matters is that I live for and by God's will/purpose.
I have the Spirit of the Lord living in me. Yes, living INSIDE of me- driving me - flying me (because I just thought of my friend Geoff-the-pilot)... He (God/the Spirit) moves me. My friend Tobias once asked "What MOVES me?"... At the time, I don't know what I said... maybe "beauty, art, the universe, love"... but NOW I know that the ONLY thing that moves me...the only thing that SHOULD move me is the Holy Spirit - the voice of God in my life, showing me how to live by the example of Christ.
I am tired of saying and doing things for other people. I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm tired of trying to care for others on my own strength. ACTUALLY- I think I got tired of that last year... and as I did, my empathy and loving actions ebbed. In my new life which is often (yet not often enough- not 100%) driven by the prompting of the Spirit, I do not grow weary of caring. If anything, I am frustrated by the expectations of the world (work, sleep, etc.) that get in the way of my caring. I want more time to worship God. I want more time to KNOW God. I want more time to share God with my friends. I want more time to explore and experience this amazing world that is a fleeting gift.
I have two things that God has placed on my heart. Not only two...there are so many. But two big changes for me. Two big "actionables" that I feel that I must do. I will put them out here because I have nothing to hide. I want to be an open book- living and loving only for God.
1. This is number one because it came first - not because it is the most important, because I don't think it is. I feel like I must go to Africa to sit with and love orphans for a few months. I feel like I need to go there and experience God's love. He has a gift for me. He has something there for me to see. I must go to see it. *** I feel like I have been fighting human (first myself, then others) to explain the necessity that I obey God in this. I am still fighting.... until now. Until this moment. I will not fight anymore. God will fight. I will submit. I will pray that God's will be done. ONLY God's will - nothing else.
2. I have been given a husband. A marriage blessed by God (as all marriages are). A call to serve God as the wife of my husband. I have irresponsibly taken that call for granted. I smashed it into the ground with the heel of my own selfishness and pride. God has opened my eyes to that. He has shown me how wrong I was and how I can rectify the situation (by seeking Him and submitting to His will for my life). * Note, I don't know how this will turn out, all I know is that with all my heart, I want to do the right thing and that I surrender my life and will to God to do with what he pleases in all things.
...in all things.
That's heavy.
I don't actually do this, do I? Of course not. I try to... in fact, I can't think of anything that I'm holding back right now. [pause] [pause] [pause] I just put my finger to my temple and thought longer... and I know that I AM holding things back... things that I don't want to admit. Yes - My fear. I'm holding back my fear. I'm holding back my trust that He has all things. I'm holding back my joy. I'm holding back LOTS right now. WOW. Seriously. I have problems.
My biggest problem is pride. My biggest problem is that I seek approval. My biggest problem is that I position myself to sound better than I am. I biggest problem is that I think that I know more than other people. My biggest problem is that I want to control my own life and circumstances and what goes on around me.
My biggest problem is me.
This weekend one of the songs was an amazing rendition of "Sweep Me Away" by Charlie Hall. Sweep me awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy. That just echoes in my head. It has for days now. It must continue to. I must be swept away... I am just dust.... so that all that is left is the Spirit... the light of God....working and living through me. That's all.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
But I AM.
But God.
That's all there is. That's all I have to live for. He provides everything I need - and as I write that, I realize that I need NOTHING... BUT God. <--which is not the traditional application of that phrase/Biblical truth.... but GOD!
My whole life has been ROCKED! I am FREE! I have joy! I have trials, but I have GOD- so I have PEACE. I am picked up by the Spirit and surrounded by the most inexplicable thing....a weighty feeling of love saturated with feathery pillows of comfort, peace and controlled excitement. Today I was just sitting at my desk doing my work when I felt God come over me and He took my breath away. I instantly started praying and crying and basking in His great love.
This must be the miracle that comes from obedience!! - or not - because actually, the miracle is a gift of grace. A GIFT. I can't actually do anything to bring on miracles, can I? So I guess that when I am obedient I am just more open to the awareness of the miracle of the Lord- His grace and presence increase in my life and world - and not because of me, but because I am attuned to it.
Today's rant:
I read the best thing by Oswald Chambers today - "Let God have perfect liberty when you speak. Before God's message can liberate other souls, the liberation must be real in you. Gather your material, and set it alight when you speak. " -- this was exactly what I've needed to hear - because I am newly "in the Spirit"... I have been a Christian for years- but I didn't truly know what that meant and how to live it and release His great power into my life until recently (by the way- all you have to do is ASK and be willing and open to Him changing you).... anyway... now I want SO badly to share this great Joy that I have in my life and I feel like a baby because I can't get out my sentiments the way that God wants me to (through His Word) and I have been frustrated with it. (Especially because God has given me an ANGEL in my life- no, I'm not kidding... He really has... he has brought me a friend who shines her light into my life and lights up the Word, bringing Jesus closer.)... anyway... the point of this is that I have been frustrated that I don't have the "vocabulary" of Christ that would allow me to represent and explain the incredible miracles that I've been experiencing. But God reminded me through today's teaching (one of many) that I must first "gather my material"... I must first take the time to ingest and digest the Word so that it can live and shine through me... basically - I need to read and know Him through the Bible, prayer, and His voice in my life! Have patience, Carissa! Have patience and continued thirst for the great God of the universe!
By loving Him, everything else becomes love. Everything else becomes clear. Everything else falls into place.
Living out God's will is all that I have. There is no other choice.
I am SO LOVED!!!
That's all there is. That's all I have to live for. He provides everything I need - and as I write that, I realize that I need NOTHING... BUT God. <--which is not the traditional application of that phrase/Biblical truth.... but GOD!
My whole life has been ROCKED! I am FREE! I have joy! I have trials, but I have GOD- so I have PEACE. I am picked up by the Spirit and surrounded by the most inexplicable thing....a weighty feeling of love saturated with feathery pillows of comfort, peace and controlled excitement. Today I was just sitting at my desk doing my work when I felt God come over me and He took my breath away. I instantly started praying and crying and basking in His great love.
This must be the miracle that comes from obedience!! - or not - because actually, the miracle is a gift of grace. A GIFT. I can't actually do anything to bring on miracles, can I? So I guess that when I am obedient I am just more open to the awareness of the miracle of the Lord- His grace and presence increase in my life and world - and not because of me, but because I am attuned to it.
Today's rant:
I read the best thing by Oswald Chambers today - "Let God have perfect liberty when you speak. Before God's message can liberate other souls, the liberation must be real in you. Gather your material, and set it alight when you speak. " -- this was exactly what I've needed to hear - because I am newly "in the Spirit"... I have been a Christian for years- but I didn't truly know what that meant and how to live it and release His great power into my life until recently (by the way- all you have to do is ASK and be willing and open to Him changing you).... anyway... now I want SO badly to share this great Joy that I have in my life and I feel like a baby because I can't get out my sentiments the way that God wants me to (through His Word) and I have been frustrated with it. (Especially because God has given me an ANGEL in my life- no, I'm not kidding... He really has... he has brought me a friend who shines her light into my life and lights up the Word, bringing Jesus closer.)... anyway... the point of this is that I have been frustrated that I don't have the "vocabulary" of Christ that would allow me to represent and explain the incredible miracles that I've been experiencing. But God reminded me through today's teaching (one of many) that I must first "gather my material"... I must first take the time to ingest and digest the Word so that it can live and shine through me... basically - I need to read and know Him through the Bible, prayer, and His voice in my life! Have patience, Carissa! Have patience and continued thirst for the great God of the universe!
By loving Him, everything else becomes love. Everything else becomes clear. Everything else falls into place.
Living out God's will is all that I have. There is no other choice.
I am SO LOVED!!!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Friends
You know where I'm getting all my blog-ready energy out??? In FRIENDS!! I realized recently that I have been able to share my life, heart, experiences, wisdom (because God has given me some!), and [most importantly] neurotic thoughts with the incredible friends and community that God has surrounded me with!
I don't mean to brag- but I am SO BLESSED!!
I don't mean to brag- but I am SO BLESSED!!
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Situation
Here's the situation...
I WANT to be responsible. I WANT to be a mature adult who does what is RIGHT.
Here's the caveat...
I don't know what is right.
I only know what I know --and what I know is that the Spirit is living in me now and that my whole life- every breath I take- has changed. My experiences have changed. My perceptions have changed. My goals have changed. My ME has changed. It's like getting a whole new DNA.
I want to shake off the world and just live in freedom and peace and joy by living out the expectations of God... and maybe I can do that. I WISH and hope that maybe God will want me to do what is "socially acceptable" and responsible in other's eyes. I'm hoping that maybe it is just this one thing...or two things (as it were) that He would like me to do outside the bounds of what a sane/ normal/ run-of-the-mill person would do... and then after that, I can go back to "normality".
Oh but we only have ONE life to live. (Yep... that's a soap opera... how funny! I used to watch that one... I think that was the one with Harley and some handsome cop- that was back when I was in 9th grade or something, so I don't expect anyone to know what I'm talking about.) Anyway.... I cannot be bound by anyone else's expectations BUT GOD's. I've got to get that through my thick skull. Right?
I MAY be a crazy person. Perhaps I "cracked" this year... but maybe I am just actually living the way God intended... maybe this is what it feels like to be plucked from the garden of Grace (like a little orange carrot! - I'm wearing orange today, so this is appropriate!).
I am actually incredibly blessed! Now: I have hope. I have a purpose. The hole in me has been filled. I have been given TRUE life.
I must not be afraid to LIVE it.
<3
I WANT to be responsible. I WANT to be a mature adult who does what is RIGHT.
Here's the caveat...
I don't know what is right.
I only know what I know --and what I know is that the Spirit is living in me now and that my whole life- every breath I take- has changed. My experiences have changed. My perceptions have changed. My goals have changed. My ME has changed. It's like getting a whole new DNA.
I want to shake off the world and just live in freedom and peace and joy by living out the expectations of God... and maybe I can do that. I WISH and hope that maybe God will want me to do what is "socially acceptable" and responsible in other's eyes. I'm hoping that maybe it is just this one thing...or two things (as it were) that He would like me to do outside the bounds of what a sane/ normal/ run-of-the-mill person would do... and then after that, I can go back to "normality".
Oh but we only have ONE life to live. (Yep... that's a soap opera... how funny! I used to watch that one... I think that was the one with Harley and some handsome cop- that was back when I was in 9th grade or something, so I don't expect anyone to know what I'm talking about.) Anyway.... I cannot be bound by anyone else's expectations BUT GOD's. I've got to get that through my thick skull. Right?
I MAY be a crazy person. Perhaps I "cracked" this year... but maybe I am just actually living the way God intended... maybe this is what it feels like to be plucked from the garden of Grace (like a little orange carrot! - I'm wearing orange today, so this is appropriate!).
I am actually incredibly blessed! Now: I have hope. I have a purpose. The hole in me has been filled. I have been given TRUE life.
I must not be afraid to LIVE it.
<3
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Daniel Fast
Friends- I need you here. I am going to put this out here because (1.) I want to be used as inspiration for God to do the same work in you and (2.) because I may need your encouragement.
I know we aren't supposed to fast "out loud"...(Matthew 6:16-18)...and I don't plan on doing that...heck...I'm only partially fasting anyway...but I need some accountability... so here goes... I've been praying about/ thinking about/ mulling over doing this fast for a while. God has placed this in front of me through multiple channels for some time now and I want to be faithful...
Here's the plan:
Carissa’s Daniel Fast:
Start date: March 3, 2010
End date: March 23, 2010 (I can break the fast on the 24th)
Rules: Follow guidelines as indicated by online Daniel Fast information (i.e. only eat vegetables/fruit, whole grain foods and water (nothing artificial)).
I am going to participate in this fast so that I may grow closer to God by:
I will be obedient to God's Word- from here on out, this will not be an outward action / display of my faith- but rather an inward example of my dedication to knowing Him more. If you would like to join me on this journey, I would love an accountability partner/prayer partner - let me know.
<3
I know we aren't supposed to fast "out loud"...(Matthew 6:16-18)...and I don't plan on doing that...heck...I'm only partially fasting anyway...but I need some accountability... so here goes... I've been praying about/ thinking about/ mulling over doing this fast for a while. God has placed this in front of me through multiple channels for some time now and I want to be faithful...
Here's the plan:
Carissa’s Daniel Fast:
Start date: March 3, 2010
End date: March 23, 2010 (I can break the fast on the 24th)
Rules: Follow guidelines as indicated by online Daniel Fast information (i.e. only eat vegetables/fruit, whole grain foods and water (nothing artificial)).
Exceptions/tweakage: I may drink one cup of black coffee each morning (though I may drop this off during the fast…we’ll see…I’m gonna pray about it. OH. No. I shouldn’t allow it at all. Ok. God has spoken. No coffee.) I may eat salmon if I need protein/energy for an important event (ok…I’ll just shoot from the hip - IF I get an interview during this fast, then I’ll have a piece of salmon for breakfast so that I can get the Omega3 fatty acids (it’s a tradition that I do)…otherwise no meat.
I am going to participate in this fast so that I may grow closer to God by:
- Purifying my body - get the gunk out.
- Practicing self-control (ok! LEARNING / LIVING self-control...something I have very little of. I'm very "experience-oriented"... I love a good adrenaline rush and the "let's just do it!" mentality... so this is gonna be good for me. DISCIPLINE.
- Spending more time communicating with God (thinking about/ learning about/ listening to/ talking to/ LOVING Him!)
I will be obedient to God's Word- from here on out, this will not be an outward action / display of my faith- but rather an inward example of my dedication to knowing Him more. If you would like to join me on this journey, I would love an accountability partner/prayer partner - let me know.
<3
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