Decrease

I think it must be normal for us to ponder the cross more during this time of the year. Ok... it IS normal. Everyone is talking about it... all the cool kids are blogging about it... all the pastors are preaching about it... all the angels are whispering about it. It's TERRIBLE that I don't think about it more... I should. I don't. Ok... and honestly- I still don't "get it" the way I should.

I was just emailing my friend Greg and telling him that I thought that my heart was "hardened" to the reality of what Jesus did for us on the cross. I don't know why some things/thoughts/revelations are so startling and alive in my mind, and some are just - well - dull imagery. I am measuring this by my experience with the opening of my eyes and heart to to God's Word. See, my eyes have just recently been opened to the Bible...  I now read it and breathe it in a way that I didn't even think was possible... for some reason it all makes sense... it is the FiOS network between my soul and God... between the Spirit and the Father... it brings me life and direction and purpose and fresh air (when I read it with an open heart). I KNOW that I sound crazy when I write this stuff- it doesn't make sense to you unless you've experienced it. I used to hear people say this same thing and I nodded my head in agreement- but I didn't really GET IT the way I do now. I wish there were a way to share this with others so that they could understand...so their eyes would be opened. There isn't though... not really... I can only allow the Spirit to share it (through me?) and the Spirit to open their eyes (through them?). They  just have to be willing to allow themselves to be changed... they have to be willing to give up themselves and let God take the wheel. Easy, right? RIGHT! No- not really. Not easy... we are so immersed in ourselves- we have been taught to take care of ourselves... that we control our circumstances... that if we just ____ (whatever it is), then we will get ____ (whatever it is). But  God's gifts and promises are so much better than what we can procure for ourselves. We just have to LET GO and LET GOD! Classic.

I am such a bad surrenderer. I surrender as often as I remember to surrender... which isn't often enough. I am so mired in SELF. I am so focused on MY EXPERIENCES... even the experience of God... I make that about ME. How can I stop that? How can I just constantly keep my eyes focused upwards? Yes- I've got to practice using the Sword of the Spirit. I've got to learn my weapon (the Bible)... I've got to rely on my armor (peace, faith, righteousness, etc. <-- I think. I can't find it right now in the Bible. I am blocked. I am not tuned into the Spirit right now. I've got to stop blabbing because it's not Spirit led. See that. I need to be MORE Spirit led. When God wants me to do something- he makes it EASY for me. This is too difficult now.  

The point that I was trying to make was that I want to be broken for our Lord... I want to see what He did and I want to want to take the cross from HIM. I want to want to feel each lash that He felt for me. I want to want to bleed on behalf of my SAVIOR. He saved me. I don't deserve it. I am just me...a nothing... He is the Creator...and EVERYTHING... and I just don't get it. I don't understand. I don't want it- but I DO WANT IT... I heard someone talk about how they don't think they deserve to be thanked or appreciated - and I relate to that in a way- I don't take a compliment very well myself- but I am trying to be better about it... I'm trying to do things that bring glory to God... so any compliments that I "earn" are not mine at all- but God's... because I want to be so supple that everything that I do is God working through me.  ** Ooops....that was the wrong thought path- I wanted to say that I think that it's a good thing to think we are unworthy- we ARE unworthy of everything... but we just need to take that feeling of unworthiness and lift it up to God and allow Him to transform it because HE IS WORTHY. If we are living for and by Him, then our actions are His and HE should be glorified. He WASN'T worthy of dying on the cross for us. He didn't deserve that at all... I deserved that - that was all me... but He took it. (ack. I still don't get it the way I should. As I write this, I should be broken, but I'm not.)

I want to be broken before the Lord. I want to know Him more. I know what I am asking for- I DO KNOW... and I still want it. I want to live completely for Him... not just when I'm on the mountaintops- but also when I'm in the valley... I want to feel the hand of the Spirit in all that I think, say, and do.

I must decrease and He must increase. See that?