Sweep me away

Do you know how much God loves you?
I just wanted to make sure.

God loves me SOOOOOOO much!!!

I have so much to blog about. I have so much to share. So much that it is overwhelming. I have been holding back. I have held back because I was afraid of what you would think. I was afraid that you would judge me and that it would make a difference.

It doesn't make a difference. The only thing that matters is that I live for and by God's will/purpose.

I have the Spirit of the Lord living in me. Yes, living INSIDE of me- driving me - flying me (because I just thought of my friend Geoff-the-pilot)... He (God/the Spirit) moves me. My friend Tobias once asked "What MOVES me?"... At the time, I don't know what I said... maybe "beauty, art, the universe, love"... but NOW I know that the ONLY thing that moves me...the only thing that SHOULD move me is the Holy Spirit - the voice of God in my life, showing me how to live by the example of Christ.

I am tired of saying and doing things for other people. I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm tired of trying to care for others on my own strength. ACTUALLY- I think I got tired of that last year... and as I did, my empathy and loving actions ebbed. In my new life which is often (yet not often enough- not 100%) driven by the prompting of the Spirit, I do not grow weary of caring. If anything, I am frustrated by the expectations of the world (work, sleep, etc.) that get in the way of my caring. I want more time to worship God. I want more time to KNOW God. I want more time to share God with my friends. I want more time to explore and experience this amazing world that is a fleeting gift.

I have two things that God has placed on my heart. Not only two...there are so many. But two big changes for me. Two big "actionables" that I feel that I must do. I will put them out here because I have nothing to hide. I want to be an open book- living and loving only for God.

1. This is number one because it came first - not because it is the most important, because I don't think it is. I feel like I must go to Africa to sit with and love orphans for a few months. I feel like I need to go there and experience God's love. He has a gift for me. He has something there for me to see. I must go to see it. *** I feel like I have been fighting human (first myself, then others) to explain the necessity that I obey God in this. I am still fighting.... until now. Until this moment. I will not fight anymore. God will fight. I will submit. I will pray that God's will be done. ONLY God's will - nothing else.

2. I have been given a husband. A marriage blessed by God (as all marriages are). A call to serve God as the wife of my husband. I have irresponsibly taken that call for granted. I smashed it into the ground with the heel of my own selfishness and pride. God has opened my eyes to that. He has shown me how wrong I was and how I can rectify the situation (by seeking Him and submitting to His will for my life). * Note, I don't know how this will turn out, all I know is that with all my heart, I want to do the right thing and that I surrender my life and will to God to do with what he pleases in all things.

...in all things.
That's heavy.
I don't actually do this, do I? Of course not. I try to... in fact, I can't think of anything that I'm holding back right now.  [pause] [pause] [pause]  I just put my finger to my temple and thought longer... and I know that I AM holding things back... things that I don't want to admit. Yes - My fear. I'm holding back my fear. I'm holding back my trust that He has all things. I'm holding back my joy. I'm holding back LOTS right now. WOW. Seriously. I have problems.

My biggest problem is pride. My biggest problem is that I seek approval. My biggest problem is that I position myself to sound better than I am. I biggest problem is that I think that I know more than other people. My biggest problem is that I want to control my own life and circumstances and what goes on around me.

My biggest problem is me.

This weekend one of the songs was an amazing rendition of "Sweep Me Away" by Charlie Hall. Sweep me awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy. That just echoes in my head. It has for days now. It must continue to. I must be swept away... I am just dust.... so that all that is left is the Spirit... the light of God....working and living through me. That's all.