Happiness matters. When and where I was saved does NOT matter. A date doesn't matter... only the FACT that I AM one of the Father's children- saved by grace- matters.
Yesterday, after some good old fashioned stewing, followed by some minor research, and topped with a great encounter with the Spirit- I partook in a wonderful convo with my friend where I started bumbling about whether or not I had been saved for all these years. I talked about how it was so crazy because I FELT saved for years. I felt secure in my salvation and that I was going to heaven. I talked about how I felt connected to God and I LOVED to worship Him. I loved church and being in His presence...the intensity of it ebbed and flowed with life's ups and downs through the past few years...but I definitely felt "saved". However, I cannot point to a time where I have ever felt the way I feel now --> the feeling of God IN me. I knew He was around me before...but I didn't understand the concept of Him being IN me... now I do.
I think I just finally SURRENDERED to God. I surrendered... I gave Him my whole heart and He sent His Spirit in to rescue me... to give me new life. I don't know how many times the Spirit knocked... I don't know how many times God tried to hold my life up for me- but I kept thinking that I was strong enough to do it myself... how silly. How silly. (But as I say that- I feel myself trying to take my life back even in just trying to understand God's plan. I can't understand His plans- not even His plans for my little life... they are all so complex and wondrous. See that?? I still have such a selfishness problem (it's all about me and if it's not- I'm trying to position myself to make it about me)... a pride problem (recognize me).... and a fear problem (why can't I trust this God who has rocked my world to BE MY ROCK?) He's got everything... WHY can't I get past myself to rest in that? - selfishness. pride. fear. desire to control my world. It's NOT MY WORLD though!! It's not my life. I want this life - my thoughts and my actions- to line up with TRUTH...with the reality of what God has given us... His Spirit and His Word. How the heck do I get out of my own way?
I'm in my own way even in my desire to understand what it means to get out of my own way.
I've got to continue to surrender to Him daily.
I've got to surrender to Him as often as I can - all day everyday!! Wouldn't that be great? That is what my call should be to myself... to surrender to God's will ALWAYS. Surrender through prayer and earnest conversation with the Lord. Surrender by giving myself over to His Word -know the Bible and measure circumstances and situations and questions by what God says about them. I must surrender by giving of myself wholeheartedly and transparently in Christ-centered relationships. I must surrender by giving all I have (because I am RICH) to others - I don't need it but I hold onto it... how can I give it away? How does God want me to give it away?
When I surrender, He takes control and that's when the magic happens. I have NEVER been happier than I am right now. In my struggles- or things that would have been struggles before... health concerns...ambiguity...GOD is shining His light on them/me... making them/me beautiful...transforming them/me.
But I must remember that I will never arrive. I will never arrive. I will never arrive.
...and that's OK.
I have arrived when I am weakest. I have arrived when I have truly surrendered. The second that I pick a piece of myself back up (which I do every second)... I am hurting myself. Surrender again. Surrender it all. I don't want it, and when I do- that's when I least need it.
Surrender.
Sweep me away.
<3
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