about the Response

Yeah... I've been talking a lot about "surrender" for these past few months... I definitely see the importance of letting go... of giving it to God... of letting HIM rule and run my life... but one thing that keeps running through my mind and my prayers and my journals is that I need to RESPOND. First I must surrender my life and will to Him- then I must be sensitive to His hand on my heart and life – I need to open my awareness to it.

I am in the process of learning what God's voice sounds like (not MY voice disguised as God's voice... or worse- Satan's voice disguised as God's voice (EEP!!!)... but I need to cultivate the intimacy with Our Father and learn what the prompt of the Spirit looks, sounds, and feels like so that I can respond wholeheartedly.

I'm so scattered. I am joyful- but scattered. I am - as Yvonne said- ABUNDANTLY BLESSED - but I am like a dumb little sheep- I forget. One minute I am praising God for all that He has given to me- and the next minute I am facing the other way feeding my sin nature. ack!

I'm really disappointed with myself.
I need to pray.
Yes. I'm gonna pray right now. It's important.

God...ruler of me, ruler of ALL... PLEASE help me. I am SO lost. I'm so mired in SELF. I am so - oh - I hope it doesn't hurt you for me to say this- because I am your creation - but I am so dumb. I am blind. The only times my eyes are open are when it is YOU taking control of them. The way that you opened my eyes and soul for that moment last night - when you gave me a glimpse of true beauty- your incredible creation- the skies, stars, clouds, trees, the air-atmosphere... MIRACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to bottle those moments. I forget though, God. I forget so easily. I forget what Jesus did for me. I forget that because of what He did for me, that I have you IN me. I forget to listen to your voice. I forget that there is no ME. That it's not about me. That I am a roadblock - a mass in the way - for you to do Your work through me. Lord, I am nothing and I keep trying to make myself into something. I am so sorry for this- for the fact that I'm thinking about what I'm praying about because I'm doing the praying... not you... not your Spirit in me. Those are the best prayers... when I sit back... lay back...step back... and let your Spirit do the communing with You for me - on my behalf. I don't care if I sound crazy. It's true. You live in me. It is Your work that you must do. I must just step back and let You work. I want to know you more- or actually - maybe not. Maybe I want to know you less... focus less on gathering intellectual knowledge about who You are and what You want to do in my life or with my life (because it's NOT ABOUT ME!) and focus more on BEING less. I want to get out of the way of your work. I want to be your supple, transparent, and responsive vessel... and that's it. I don't want to be me. I don't want to care about me. I don't want there to be a me... only a You in me. There we go- see that? AGAIN- I must decrease and you must increase. That's what it all comes back to.

I've got to get away from this computer for a second --- (ok, that was litterally a second!! :)).

I love reading the Bible. Why don't I do it more?
I love praying? Why don't I do it more?
I love the friends you've given me- they are a gift from You, no doubt... but Lord, help me not to put them in Your place... You must be first. You must be first before ANYTHING. Before church. Before friends. Before books. Before walks. Before work. Before my family. Before my dog. Before my vanity. Before ANYTHING- you first. YOU first.

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WHY am I in my own way? WHY can't I stop sinning?? I KNOW you have asked me to take care of my body- that it is a temple for your Spirit- it IS... wow. I just realized that I heard that a billion times in my life "your body is a temple"... but now I GET it and I STILL don't listen. Why do I eat all this JUNK? Why do I want to litter myself with garbage??? It makes me hate myself. Maybe that's why. It causes me to be divided. Self against self... this distracts me from worshipping. This distracts me from YOU. I must be of one mind. I must be of one heart... and both my mind and my heart must SCREAM OUT for YOU! If I'm empty- I must fill myself with YOU. If I'm ANYTHING- I must be EVERYTHING with YOU. YOU are everything!!!

I am nothing. I WANT TO BE nothing. I want to just be a vessel. I want to be purely yours. I want to rid myself of myself. I am grateful for the amazing world that I have been gifted- but I don't want to want it. I want to appreciate it without creating desire for more. I want to love it without yearning for more. I want to experience it without feeling like I need more and more and more....

I think I was better when I had nothing. I wasn't in my own way. I am grateful for my friends and job and joy- but they pull me from You. Even the desire to share You (and my experiences with Your goodness) is a distraction. How can I respond if I am not in touch with your voice? How can I be in touch with your voice when I don't take time to know and hear you?

I can't watch TV. I can't make excuses that it is time that I'm spending with my brother... it's NOT. It's time taken from You. I can't email so much... it's time and energy that I put into relationships and reading that I should be spending with you. I want to go back into my cocoon of your love. I must prioritize this....

God, Thank you. I love you. I need you. I don't need me. I love you. I need you. I need YOU. I want YOU. Only you.

Amen.
<3