A hot mess

No. I'm not okay. I'm a hot mess.
I don't know where to start this blog, or how to start, but I know that I'm NOT okay. I guess I should start with the fact that I'm not okay because I'm not in God's will. Because I'm not being obedient. Because I'm focused on myself and - frankly - having a pity party.

I miss my husband. It was his birthday yesterday and I wasn't a part of it. Our 7 year anniversary is coming up on Monday and I am heartbroken over the fact that it is now just another day- a day of meaning that has been dissolved to mean nothing... nothing but loss. and failure. and a reminder of the sinful and selfish and poor decision to get divorced.

My aunt is in the middle of brain surgery this morning. I don't have peace that she's going to live through it and it scares the crap out of me. Death scares me. I thought this past week that maybe I would die soon too...I'm sure I'm being hypochodriachal <-- I doubt that's a word, but you get what I'm saying... anyway... I guess it's okay if I die. It IS okay if I die. I'm going to heaven...and it's better there than here... but I feel like I will have failed in my responsibilities here in so many ways.

My aunt is a believer. She'll go to heaven. I just pray that that won't happen now...that that won't happen today or even soon. She is the most amazing, loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, sweetest lady I know....like, she would do ANYTHING for her family- she would (and has) given up anything that she wanted for herself just to give more for her family.

Anyway...that's not "it" either. I'm also struggling with my SELF-centeredness. It's all about me. I am worried about what I'm writing here because I don't want someone to see it and think something about me. See? That is self-centeredness...selfishness...making it all about me. It's NOT about me.

I'm a glutton. I'm disgusting. I seriously gross myself out. With self-loathing I try to fill a void that is in me with food.... with sugar...with empty carbs... with empty everything- because nothing is God. The ONLY thing that can fill me is the God of the universe.

period.

Last week I experienced a moment of perfect peace, joy, and love. I was walking during my lunch break and looking up at the most gorgeous light shining through the trees- lighting up leaves and flowers and casting shadows on the tree trunks and making the most amazing music in my heart! I can't even describe it because it was too beautiful to try to capture in even my mind! There were two times last week that I can remember just being on top of the world... totally and completely engulfed in His great love for me... totally and completely overtaken by the Spirit...totally and completely IN joypeacelovehappinesscontentmentamazementAWE! WHY then am I feeling so far away from it now?

I am letting Satan in. I am letting someone other than love rule me. I am letting myself rule me. I am putting other priorities in front of God. I am making my worship something to be checked off on a to-do list. I am making my life more important than Jesus' life.

That's not okay.
That's WHY I'm not okay.

God's got everything. I have to remember that. I have to rest in that. I have to LET Him have everything.