When you should be a puddle on the floor

I SHOULD be broken to death. I should be shattered. I should be a puddle on the floor. But guess what? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not because (and only because) of GOD'S GRACE. Grace. Period.

I need to remember this- I need to remember how GOD (not me) saved me from myself, from my own heart and motivations and drive and purpose - from feeling/knowing/being in touch with my selfish desires - I mean - YES, I know I am still a slave to myself... but I have a protector... protecting me from me.

I've been sweetly broken. yes.

Oh- let me just spell it out here. I have nothing to hide. Please remind me to be as concise as possible though because I can't handle those long posts that I've been writing...

Here are 2 of the miracles I experienced today:

(1.) Peace in the face of money-drama: Today I noticed that I overdrafted my bank account (someone had a big check of mine for a LONG time that I forgot about and when I paid all my bills the other day, I forgot to "save a spot" for that check... EEP!) - anyway - this morning when I realized it, the old me would have freaked out...  but the new me knew that God had it under control!!  I'm not saying that I didn't panic for a second, because I did. But what I DID do, was say to God "ok... this is the situation... but I know that you've got it under control. Take it."... and just at that moment, someone walked into my office with a check for me - a donation toward my missions trip!! Now technically that check won't touch my bank account/ save me from the massive overdraft fees... But it WAS a message from God! It was Him telling me that "Yes... I DO have it. See!?"... and yes. I saw. Peace abounded.

Bonus! Tonight I came home and my roommate gave me his rent payment a week early. God is too good for words! All glory to Him. For realZ. :)

(2.) Peace in the face of marriage drama: So, most of you know that I was divorced last year. Well, since then, I have been given new life! --> Sorry for the cop out- I just realized that I can't muster the strength to get into all that muck that I walked through last year. You know- you probably did the same... it was a CRAZY year for almost everyone I know... filled with challenges... filled with brokenness... filled with emptiness... filled with sadness and the hustle and bustle of trying to solve all our problems on our own.  Oh sorry- this is about me... let me not project onto you. Last year was filled with ME trying to solve all my problems on my own... (problems, I might add, which I brought on myself).

Needless to say, God picked me up and loved me into submission.

I am a new person... and since then...since God revealed Himself in a way that left me no choice but to surrender to the Spirit ... since I said "God, YOU lead my life... I can't do it with out you"... God has shown me what He intended my marriage to look like. He proceeded to "show me ME" over and over and over again.  (Yes- I'm one of those crazy people that WANT to know and see my faults - bring on the ugly stuff! - I want to see it so that I can pray that He take it away.) Anyway.... I decided (with God's help) that I wanted to be faithful to my husband- and more importantly that I wanted to be faithful to GOD by respecting and relating to my husband the RIGHT way.

[Let me pause here to send Kudos: Praise God! I have a new heart!!]

But wait... there are always complications... and this "little complication"is a BIG ONE... Joe (my ex-husband) is in love with someone else.  That's a complication alright... but check this out... she (the woman he is in love with) is not just "someone else"... she is an AMAZING, kind, smart, perfect-for-him, girl... someone that in my small interaction with her, left me in awe of how good she is for him. 

So. Yeah. Big complication.

The smart me...the me I used to be... the me who had it all under control... the me who cared about doing what was right based on human standards... would definitely see and recognize that and say "tally ho" to any fleeting thoughts of reconciliation. However, that is NOT me anymore. Now I only want to be filled with and led by the Spirit in all that I do. I was led to fast for clarification and purification for this and other things...  I was led to pray about it lots... I was led to have long and intimate conversations with God about this... and then I was led to tell Joe about it (what I thought that God wanted me to share.)

This wasn't a fast or easy process... it was 3 solid months of both of us trying to discern what God wanted. Or actually- that's a big lie. I didn't actually do much... after I shared it with Joe (not the first time when I said "I THINK we are supposed to get back together..." but after the second time when I said that "I was made to serve next to you.")... I had the peace of the Lord come down around me and I knew that I did and said what I needed to do and say and that God had it under control. I was obedient (even though it was uncomfortable)... and I have no regrets.

Joe took some time and brought it to his accountability partners and pastor and most importantly- GOD.... and today we met to discuss the outcome of all this. (I didn't actually know that's what we were discussing until we met. But I DID sense that I needed God to be with me in a big way! I prayed hard and asked the Spirit to be with me and to BE me (live for me, think for me, talk for me, LISTEN for me (Thank you God!))... and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!! HE DID!!!

I don't know how I had the peace and grace that I had. Oh, because it WASN'T me. I look back on myself as though I am looking at someone else. (A CALM Carissa? Impossible... but oh yes!) Through our whole 1.5 hour conversation, God was with me...  I am so humbled by this. It's absolutely incredible.

[pause]

I really have to ask Him to be with  me like that more often... no...ALWAYS. Why do I only think to ask Him to come over and in and around and to shine through me when I am in need of rescue??... Don't I know that He is ALWAYS available!?! I can ALWAYS live in the power of God! I can ALWAYS live with that peace!!!!!! All I have to do is ASK. Wow.

Such power.

Anyway. It is finished. For now. I don't know what God has in mind for me or Joe or you... but what I DO know is that if we don't surrender our wills, plans, hearts, hopes, future, money, adventure, families, homes, EVERYTHING - then we are making a dire mistake. If I give it to Him, he will bless it (or take it?... or take it and bless it!)!  ...And like Charles Stanley said (and Meredith or Alicia echoed), God doesn't take anything from us that is GOOD for us.

God doesn't take anything from us that is good for us. <-- I had trouble with that at first because I thought he was talking about people and my mind instantly went to my grandfather! God took Pappy and he (Pappy) was VERY good for me!!! But Charles is talking about stuff... stuff stuff (like cars, money, jobs, etc.) and emo stuff (like pride, bitterness, fear, etc.).  Oh, but he's talking about people too, isn't he? - people stuff (like relationships, friendships, drama, etc.).

God loves us SO much... He wants us to be blessed. He wants only good for us. He is God of EVERYTHING. He is OUR FATHER. Maaaaaaaaan......the King of EVERYTHING is our FATHER and He wants the BEST for us!!! That's CRAZY!!! :D  He wants to give us everything we could want.... HE wants to give it to us!

We have to STOP trying to get it for ourselves...  why can't we just let Him give it to us as a GIFT?!! It's a gift.
It's a gift.


This ended up being really long AGAIN! Sorry!
I love you so much! Thank you for sharing my heart with me here.
<3