Do you know when I am happiest/most content/most connected to God? It's when He gives me an assignment that takes me outside my comfort zone. It's when God asks me to do something that I don't think I can do (or should do, or would do, or WANT to do.) - I was closest to God when I thought He asked me to drop my life and go to Africa for a few months. Living for and by faith in God's great plan was all that I had and that was the BEST PLACE to be.
Regarding Africa- I don't know what His plan is- I definitely grew in my faith in the process of trying to obey His will- but then why did it not end up coming to fruition the way I thought it would? Eh- I don't even want to try to understand it... I only want to trust Him with my everything. I AM going to Africa in June for a short term missions trip- and I'm going with an amazing organization that Has Jesus at its heart (http://www.rickvia.org/)... In the month or two where I think/thought God wanted me to drop my life for a few months and head off to a continent that I'd never been to- I was definitely terrified (as any of you who know me or read my blog know) - but I surrendered my life and will to God and the blessings that poured out of that were amazing!
I LOVED being in that place...that place where I trembled with passion for God and my soul thirsted for the next drop of Living Water. All I desired (constantly) was a Word from Him telling me whether or not I was on the right track. Blind faith. Throughout my days He would say "That's right, Carissa- keep going. Or "shhhhhhhhh- pipe down, my child.").
I miss it.
I try to get there myself sometimes. Much of my life and time is spent seeking God- reading and praying and worshiping and talking about Him with other believers - but NOT ENOUGH. I have to realize that I cannot rev myself up or will that God do anything in me. Everything in me comes from God's will. All I can do is submit to it. All I can do is the opposite of what I think I should do. I think that I should DO something...but in reality- I must just allow it to be done.
I can pray though. I can cry out to God and ask Him for things... right now in my life I just want to be IN the Spirit...living in truth... living an honest and transparent life. I want to stop trying to control my thoughts, circumstances, surroundings, future and I just want to find a way to be more in tune with what God has for me. MAYBE what He has for me now is a lesson- a lesson in patience- in rest. Actually... I wrote down what I thought the Spirit was calling me to "act on" for my small group study (tonight! I can't wait- I LOVE small group!- but I digress)...
I actually think that He is telling me to chill - I always think a rush of activity is necessary for results, but all I really need to do is rest in Him (Rom 8:6). He's got it and I should just trust Him (Rom 11:33). I need to stop trying to control everything - I just need to let Him guide my life (Gal 5:16). I just need to put my focus on loving others (Rom 13:10 & 12:10) and keep my eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects my faith (Heb 12:2).
So. I need to trust Him. He will give me another assignment soon - indeed - He has given me MANY assignments- they don't have to look that dramatic (like Africa)- they matter too... I just need to strive to be obedient to every command that Our Father gives- I need to listen for and obey each prompting- and with that my intimacy will naturally grow. It is a process. I am sold out for God and I CAN live in great communion with the Spirit in my everyday life. Let me not forget that. All I need to do is be obedient. Riiiiiiiiiiight - surrender. ...Not my will, but Yours be done (Luke 22:42) <-- of course that is an incorrectly placed reference if I look at it in context.
I'm gonna try on some nerd clothes for a minute- I am totally a wanna-be nerd. Let's see how I look-
What is 22:42 really about? Well, I see that Jesus is speaking to his Father, asking Him to take away the burden of death/sin that is soon to be upon Him if it is His (the Father's) will. This was a moment of true agony and pain that our God had to endure prior to taking on the most horrific thing that could happen- to have the sins of the entire world (all of humanities' dirt from the dawn of creation on) upon His shoulders. To have the most brilliant light snuffed out into darkness- true death- death that we cannot comprehend... that is beyond scary.
How'd I do? I have no idea why I went into all that. I just wanted to keep it in and I was qualifying (aka- making excuses) about why I used that verse in the wrong spot - but I couldn't delete it because it came to my mind and WHAT IF it was in God's plan!!- I must be obedient! :)
Ok... crazy head signing off - I've got work to do!
Much love!
<3
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