Snap

Ha ha!! My friend Meredith says "Oh snap!!"... It's so cute! That has NOTHING to do with my blog. I just titled it "Snap" because I'm gonna talk about being broken. I am writing this paragraph AFTER I blabbed my blog but I thought of Meredith and wanted to tell you about that. I love it! "Oh Snap!" :)

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Here's the part where I write a random question that has nothing to do with the topic of the day. Maybe  I'm hung up on this because I'm not used to having a "topic-of-the-day" because really I'm just blabbing/dumping? However, since I DO have a topic of the day today and the following "question-of-the-day" doesn't really go with said "topic-of-the-day", I feel like it's out of place and that I should delete it. Ah, but for some reason I feel like it's important. I just have this feeling like I should keep it in (though the more I qualify this, the more I doubt myself.) Frankly, I used to delete this stuff. Maybe I should KEEP deleting this stuff... I don't know. Oh well... not today... I guess it's kind of like the "warm up" for today's blog. The opening act. :) Get your rotten tomatoes out...

Here's the question- Why is it that it is ONLY when we have exhausted all our other options- only when we know that we can do nothing more - that we put our faith in God? Why don't we go to God first...BEFORE we get to that point? Instead, we go to God when we think that we are losing something - God please help me keep it! Or when we think we are (or are) dying- God please save me! ...or when we are lonely or think that no one else cares - God please love me! ... or when we think that there is no where else to turn - God, please show me which way to go! Ugh. I don't get it.  <-- this came from something I was just reading where someone who was on their deathbed cried out to God to save them... it was only then...only on their deathbed, that they realized that they needed God. They had nothing else... there was nothing left... BUT God. Hm.

But God. There was always God. There will always be God. We have the opportunity to seek Him NOW. Why do we put it off? Why do we wait? What happens if there is NO "deathbed"...what if there is just "death"? Instant death. Death in the blink of an eye? What if there were no time to feel and recognize the need for a Savior?? Oh, the horror... :(

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Real blog time:

So this morning I "broke". I didn't "snap" like the title of today's rant implies... snapping is more violent and exhibited through outward actions. "Breaking" is the verb associated with "brokenness" which is an adverb. (<--ok, I totally made that up. I have no idea. I can't remember 6th grade English for the life of me!) Anyway- the process of being broken is experienced through inward facing emotional stamina and response. (<--note, I made that up too...so if it is a big fat lie - myyyyy baaaaad!)

Ah hem... aaaaaanyyywaaaaay....

I think God brought me here [emotionally] over the last 36 hours just so that He could teach me a lesson (yes, our God is SOOOOOO cool! :))  We are learning about "brokenness" in our small group this week and for no apparent reason, today I just broke... I mean. I knew I was stuffed up with sin. I knew that I was like a cracking dam...but somehow - just at the right time - I broke! Ok... let me think through this... how did it happen?

Let's see. What are some of the signs that I was "gunked up"? I was lethargic... feeling a little lazy. My focus was on things that don't matter (one of my roommates is SO gross- a sloth- he is destroying my house!!! Oh- I digress... because I shouldn't focus on that. His presence enables me to pay my mortgage. Be grateful.) What else? Well, I tried to read the Bible for the past 2 days but I've had trouble concentrating.  Wanna know what I do to try to offset that (because I think it's important to push through and read/study, even when you don't feel like it)? I decided to just read something less "heavy" so that I could still be ministered to by the Spirit... I read some more of Numbers (I'm plodding along SLOWLY on my plight to read through the whole book- I get distracted and sucked into other parts of the Bible- which is GOOD...I love following my Le'Anna-esque bunny trails. Anyway... I've been picking back up in Numbers when I can't concentrate on Paul's letters to me. :) ... oh, and I also like to pick a short section of either Isaiah, Psalms or the Proverbs and think about them too... it's kinda like a jog just to keep warm when I'm not feeling like an all out sprint.)

Wow- talk about bunny trails... ok ... so...anyway... I've felt a bit distant recently --> and by recently, I mean since 10am on Sunday morning after an amazing interaction with God at Journey Church (http://www.takeajourney.org/)). Last night and this morning I've been asking God to please help me. I feel (suddenly) mired in sin. I feel weighted by my body and things that don't matter (I was a cookie monster yesterday and this morning too! - they go hand in hand with me.)... I wrote in my journal last night that my biggest sin problems right now are: gluttony, pride and control. I SHOULD also add selfishness. You see this? My whole world- this whole blog world- it's all about ME!!? WHOA! How do I fix this?

How do I fix this?

Ok... I'm gonna have to think about this and.......WHAT? See? I was just going to say that "I have to do something to fix this"... but it's NOT me. I need to acknowledge it and then give it to God and allow Him to change it. To change me. That's it. That's it.

So... today I found myself sitting at my desk about to cry. I had some of my favorite praise music playing on my iphone and I was just suddenly moved to cry out to God. I ran outside to be closer to Him (I feel closer to Him outdoors. I know that's not right- He is equally everywhere- but I indulge myself anyway). I ran outside and just sat with [and cried with - sobbed with] God. I listened to His message to me in the music I was listening to... He was totally talking to me and ministering to me and holding me close. How often is He doing that and am I not aware of it? Oh! ALWAYS! :\

I haven't started studying brokenness yet. I will today... but I know that God broke me today so that He could show me His love. Hm. Look at that! He broke me to show me something. Innnnnnteresting..... see, I'm in the middle of a discussion with my friend Greg (who now reads my blog- so HI GREG!) about brokenness. I paused our conversation so that I could do some research because I was of the opinion that I caused my OWN brokenness...that brokenness is of ME and that "healing", or the "anti-venom" of brokenness is of God. Yes, I know that EVERYTHING is "of God"... but I just mean that I think that we bring brokenness on ourselves and God cleans up the mess.

I don't know anymore though. Yesterday I prayed for God to save me - to speak to me - and He did... and He did that by breaking me down so I could hear Him. Brokenness manifested itself as a feeling of not having anyone else to run to but Our Father... the realization that no one but the Spirit could change my circumstances/ emotional state and through my subsequent response to that. 

I still have much to learn, grasshopper. <-- What is that from? Maybe from nothing. Weirdo! :)

love!
<3