What I ended up sharing:
Great topic! I personally haven’t experienced intimidation…. this container seems like a really safe and beautiful place to dance with spirit and allow our God-selves to embody. There are so many resources and other beautiful souls to share the journey with. I am encouraged and inspired whenever I come here to share in the experience.
Lisa, you said that everyone is equal in this container (yes!). I also realize that some people have more experience, knowledge, and wisdom than others and respect that. Just reading the comments before mine, I see how people who are both well versed in the field and those who are just learning both need to feel safe enough to share without feeling like they might be judged. I believe that the universal regulator is LOVE and feel that we have a group of beings witnessing everything that is shared with deep compassion regardless of where the content author is on their spiritual journey.
I’ve got lots of levels of learning going on - my curriculum includes negative ego clearing, learning what true/real love is and what that looks like in action (being), as well as galactic history and energetic architecture classes.
Okay, so let me share a few things that may be of value - they are my own little (egocentric self) thoughts so of course take everything with a grain (or bottle) of salt!
Working with vulnerability:
It does take a lot of courage to share our hearts and experiences…one of my “gifts” if we want to call it that is this willingness to go ahead and share hard things in order to hopefully set the tone to allow others to feel safe to do the same. I’m sure this adds to the judgement and condemnation I feel as it may have energetic consequences even if people aren’t outright disapproving (outloud). But I am working with my delivery and trying to be sure it comes from the right heart. This “gift” morphed into a reversal at a young age… instead of setting the tone for open sharing and transparency, I adopted a cording method (using “shock value”) to collect the energy from people. (I realize this is wrong and part of the nephilm nature I’m healing… which is why I like to call it out.) Anyway, now I am reversing the reversals and my intention, again, is to “use my powers for good”. There are so many layers in all we share… even this has so many more layers (some of which I began to expound but decided it was too much).
Colored names:
I have a personal problem (hangup) with the colored names… it’s certainly a blessing… a flag and challenge for my ego to work through, but the fact that certain people have different colored names (ranks?) which shows up in the “thank you” is a trigger. (One that is MINE and something I need to work with and am grateful for… but I thought I’d share.) In general the “thank you” section is a place of work for me and my negative ego (need for validation, etc.) - lots of layers there to work with, but it’s also such a blessing to know people have compassionately witnessed what you share.
Being ignored:
For me - again - this is probably (definitely) negative ego, but I feel as though I’m being deliberately ignored by Lisa. I mean, I AM. But I have to trust that this is in alignment with God’s will. I DO WANT you/Lisa to call me and check in and say “you’re doing a great job”! (Ha!) Really, I know this discomfort is part of my healing process and I’m being called to “do it on my own!”… and my need comes from the “guru mentality" where I am looking to for feedback from you … and honestly, one day early this year you gave it to me (when I wasn’t looking for it). You pointed me to my inner child/true parent role and it was perfect. So why isn’t that enough? Oh, because this is MY WORK - to remember my own divine connection. I have guidance teams that support me and they are a much better choice to listen to, right, of course! So you are doing me a service at the same time that I am feeling in my negative ego like a hurt little puppy. So… that’s it. I guess what I’m wanting to share is that even though we may feel like there is some sort of power imbalance, it’s also just maybe a call to further work in the houses of ego.
Fear of getting the boot:
I regularly fear that sharing my feelings will get me “kicked out”. I heard in your response above that personal feelings or viewpoints don’t cause that. So that gives me some peace - knowing that it is safe to be authentic. There isn’t some ominous “if you rub me the wrong way you’ll get kicked out” thing looming over our heads. I should also share that I experienced first hand that one can share prettttttty terrible things here (things that FEEL terrible to the self), but we are still accepted in the beloved! In my case I have been coming to terms with relationship to annunaki and nephilm fragments and those uglies came up first before recognizing the oraphim healer who actually signed up for this work. I talked about some pretty rank and awful things that I witnessed and mistook as ME. The shame and guilt that tethered me for these painful energies that weren’t even my own was enough of a prison…. adding the potential of being booted from the God-directed community which felt like my haven was terrrrrrifying! Anyway, the point is that this IS a safe space and one I am eternally grateful for!
Much LOVE to and through All!
With Gratitude,
Carissa
ps. I look forward to watching those videos about the history and introduction to ES as well!
Lisa, you said that everyone is equal in this container (yes!). I also realize that some people have more experience, knowledge, and wisdom than others and respect that. Just reading the comments before mine, I see how people who are both well versed in the field and those who are just learning both need to feel safe enough to share without feeling like they might be judged. I believe that the universal regulator is LOVE and feel that we have a group of beings witnessing everything that is shared with deep compassion regardless of where the content author is on their spiritual journey.
I’ve got lots of levels of learning going on - my curriculum includes negative ego clearing, learning what true/real love is and what that looks like in action (being), as well as galactic history and energetic architecture classes.
Okay, so let me share a few things that may be of value - they are my own little (egocentric self) thoughts so of course take everything with a grain (or bottle) of salt!
Working with vulnerability:
It does take a lot of courage to share our hearts and experiences…one of my “gifts” if we want to call it that is this willingness to go ahead and share hard things in order to hopefully set the tone to allow others to feel safe to do the same. I’m sure this adds to the judgement and condemnation I feel as it may have energetic consequences even if people aren’t outright disapproving (outloud). But I am working with my delivery and trying to be sure it comes from the right heart. This “gift” morphed into a reversal at a young age… instead of setting the tone for open sharing and transparency, I adopted a cording method (using “shock value”) to collect the energy from people. (I realize this is wrong and part of the nephilm nature I’m healing… which is why I like to call it out.) Anyway, now I am reversing the reversals and my intention, again, is to “use my powers for good”. There are so many layers in all we share… even this has so many more layers (some of which I began to expound but decided it was too much).
Colored names:
I have a personal problem (hangup) with the colored names… it’s certainly a blessing… a flag and challenge for my ego to work through, but the fact that certain people have different colored names (ranks?) which shows up in the “thank you” is a trigger. (One that is MINE and something I need to work with and am grateful for… but I thought I’d share.) In general the “thank you” section is a place of work for me and my negative ego (need for validation, etc.) - lots of layers there to work with, but it’s also such a blessing to know people have compassionately witnessed what you share.
Being ignored:
For me - again - this is probably (definitely) negative ego, but I feel as though I’m being deliberately ignored by Lisa. I mean, I AM. But I have to trust that this is in alignment with God’s will. I DO WANT you/Lisa to call me and check in and say “you’re doing a great job”! (Ha!) Really, I know this discomfort is part of my healing process and I’m being called to “do it on my own!”… and my need comes from the “guru mentality" where I am looking to for feedback from you … and honestly, one day early this year you gave it to me (when I wasn’t looking for it). You pointed me to my inner child/true parent role and it was perfect. So why isn’t that enough? Oh, because this is MY WORK - to remember my own divine connection. I have guidance teams that support me and they are a much better choice to listen to, right, of course! So you are doing me a service at the same time that I am feeling in my negative ego like a hurt little puppy. So… that’s it. I guess what I’m wanting to share is that even though we may feel like there is some sort of power imbalance, it’s also just maybe a call to further work in the houses of ego.
Fear of getting the boot:
I regularly fear that sharing my feelings will get me “kicked out”. I heard in your response above that personal feelings or viewpoints don’t cause that. So that gives me some peace - knowing that it is safe to be authentic. There isn’t some ominous “if you rub me the wrong way you’ll get kicked out” thing looming over our heads. I should also share that I experienced first hand that one can share prettttttty terrible things here (things that FEEL terrible to the self), but we are still accepted in the beloved! In my case I have been coming to terms with relationship to annunaki and nephilm fragments and those uglies came up first before recognizing the oraphim healer who actually signed up for this work. I talked about some pretty rank and awful things that I witnessed and mistook as ME. The shame and guilt that tethered me for these painful energies that weren’t even my own was enough of a prison…. adding the potential of being booted from the God-directed community which felt like my haven was terrrrrrifying! Anyway, the point is that this IS a safe space and one I am eternally grateful for!
Much LOVE to and through All!
With Gratitude,
Carissa
ps. I look forward to watching those videos about the history and introduction to ES as well!
FOR THE JOURNAL:
The following came up when I was writing my response to this thread: esfoundations.com/index.php/forum/commun...intimidation?start=0
This is the stuff I cut out but that came up that I want to hold on to…
Right now God is teaching me about Harmlessness and I need to continue work with this. I know that I’ve got a mix of light and dark… I truly I hope I don’t do it here or with my Krystic friends (or ANYONE anymore!!) but for a long time I have cloaked “harm” in my communications… I make what I say sound like it is a helpful and kind comment, but there is a layer of passive aggression…no…that’s not it… it’s outright knives… stabbing…something to hurt the person as a layer underneath it. I wrote a letter to the CFO of a company I worked for once where I was trying to be encouraging and helpful but did drop a little knife in there where I said that they had "shoddy business practices" (because they weren't paying their team and after hearing the last person crying because they couldn't pay their bills I promised I would do my best to do something about about it!!)...but it was an example of how I have this very polished exterior (of communication - not here, obviously, ha!) but with a little bomb in there. I got fired for that. I've been fired a couple times now. Kinda sucks. I always think I'm standing up for justice. (I mean, I AM, but it's maybe not my place to do so and I do it with this mixed heart ... the WAR heart that Lisa and Mhairi said we aren't supposed to have... we are supposed to STAND FIRM (Exodus 14:14 comes to mind- I've GOT to do more work on the J-Seals)). Anyway, I would like to say I don’t do this anymore and haven’t for a while, but I definitely still witness it when my pain body comes to visit (and my pain body likes to create drama and feed on it by torturing my innocent and sweet and kindhearted husband, mostly right before my period. Pain body has always done its “best” work with my partners.)
This was brought to consciousness because I want to make sure that my feedback on that thread wasn’t in any way harmful. There is a meditation that I am going to do soon - maybe tonight:
esfoundations.com/index.php/community/pl...rascensionmeditation
Okay, back to it… all this to say, I don’t trust myself. What if what I’m saying isn’t really the radiant beam of light that I think it is. I’m working to correct so many reversals and counterfeits but it’s definitely a work in progress. But then I fear by calling myself out on this that people will see through me (I’ve given them the X-ray goggles!!) and then start judging everything I say and then … what? It doesn’t matter. This is back to Core Fear Numero Dos - fear of what people think of you. Let it go. Who cares. I do. Well stop!
Stop for a second. Is it helpful to put your negative ego and neurotic thoughts out here in this space? I don’t know. I’m not taking the time to think about it now either - I’ll think about it later. Okay.
Okay, I don’t think people here will judge me, at least people who are in alignment with me because we are all doing this work together, in love. I can be a snarl of a wreck of a tornado and know that I am still loved and accepted in the beloved! This is why I love this place (container) so much! My best friends and star-siblings are here and we’re working this out together and helping each other along the way.
So since I’m journaling now I think I’ll say that I have this bully script running too!! I was bullied for much of my childhood - 3rd-8th grade especially and it was a huge challenge for me and the lens with which I viewed life during those formative years. I didn’t think I had become a bully (as they say that we become what we experience or something)… but based on what just came out of me, especially about my pain body and the energetic daggers and cords that I used to meet my esteem needs, I think I have. I still struggle with feeling bullied though…. I often default to that … my last job I always felt bullied by the people there… but must have energetically created that.
It’s SOOOO windy here.
So… yeah, just back to the negative ego clearing work. Thanks be to God for the lesson!
ps. I had the most amazing blessing of a session with Joe Machney today! I haven’t had a session for months and it was so so SO good and worth the wait! I cried and snotted a whole pile of tissues! It was so on point and lovely to feel heard and understood. I don’t communicate the deep matters of my spirit well (or try very hard to do so because it’s too much)… sometimes I share some things, but to have them held before me and to be known and seen - my guidance teams, of course, share this information through Joe back to me and it provides an opportunity to see (and feel) in new light that which we already know and live. There are exhortations, encouragements, and contextual understandings that are so supportive in those sessions. Anyway… it was incredible. That’s all. I feel so loved! We’re all going through such tough stuff as we transmute darkness and port discordant energies, but this year ESF has been a game-changer for me… instead of doing those things in the dark (without understanding), to have context and foundational core-fear and negative ego processing in the works, it sure makes what we’re going through so much easier…or at least more acceptable. Add to that the community and support through mutually beneficial relationships with people who “get it”, and we’ve got GOLD. Christos-Sophia is with us! IS US!
WE ARE!
pss. Turtles and butterflies are here to teach me this season!
This is the stuff I cut out but that came up that I want to hold on to…
Right now God is teaching me about Harmlessness and I need to continue work with this. I know that I’ve got a mix of light and dark… I truly I hope I don’t do it here or with my Krystic friends (or ANYONE anymore!!) but for a long time I have cloaked “harm” in my communications… I make what I say sound like it is a helpful and kind comment, but there is a layer of passive aggression…no…that’s not it… it’s outright knives… stabbing…something to hurt the person as a layer underneath it. I wrote a letter to the CFO of a company I worked for once where I was trying to be encouraging and helpful but did drop a little knife in there where I said that they had "shoddy business practices" (because they weren't paying their team and after hearing the last person crying because they couldn't pay their bills I promised I would do my best to do something about about it!!)...but it was an example of how I have this very polished exterior (of communication - not here, obviously, ha!) but with a little bomb in there. I got fired for that. I've been fired a couple times now. Kinda sucks. I always think I'm standing up for justice. (I mean, I AM, but it's maybe not my place to do so and I do it with this mixed heart ... the WAR heart that Lisa and Mhairi said we aren't supposed to have... we are supposed to STAND FIRM (Exodus 14:14 comes to mind- I've GOT to do more work on the J-Seals)). Anyway, I would like to say I don’t do this anymore and haven’t for a while, but I definitely still witness it when my pain body comes to visit (and my pain body likes to create drama and feed on it by torturing my innocent and sweet and kindhearted husband, mostly right before my period. Pain body has always done its “best” work with my partners.)
This was brought to consciousness because I want to make sure that my feedback on that thread wasn’t in any way harmful. There is a meditation that I am going to do soon - maybe tonight:
esfoundations.com/index.php/community/pl...rascensionmeditation
Okay, back to it… all this to say, I don’t trust myself. What if what I’m saying isn’t really the radiant beam of light that I think it is. I’m working to correct so many reversals and counterfeits but it’s definitely a work in progress. But then I fear by calling myself out on this that people will see through me (I’ve given them the X-ray goggles!!) and then start judging everything I say and then … what? It doesn’t matter. This is back to Core Fear Numero Dos - fear of what people think of you. Let it go. Who cares. I do. Well stop!
Stop for a second. Is it helpful to put your negative ego and neurotic thoughts out here in this space? I don’t know. I’m not taking the time to think about it now either - I’ll think about it later. Okay.
Okay, I don’t think people here will judge me, at least people who are in alignment with me because we are all doing this work together, in love. I can be a snarl of a wreck of a tornado and know that I am still loved and accepted in the beloved! This is why I love this place (container) so much! My best friends and star-siblings are here and we’re working this out together and helping each other along the way.
So since I’m journaling now I think I’ll say that I have this bully script running too!! I was bullied for much of my childhood - 3rd-8th grade especially and it was a huge challenge for me and the lens with which I viewed life during those formative years. I didn’t think I had become a bully (as they say that we become what we experience or something)… but based on what just came out of me, especially about my pain body and the energetic daggers and cords that I used to meet my esteem needs, I think I have. I still struggle with feeling bullied though…. I often default to that … my last job I always felt bullied by the people there… but must have energetically created that.
It’s SOOOO windy here.
So… yeah, just back to the negative ego clearing work. Thanks be to God for the lesson!
ps. I had the most amazing blessing of a session with Joe Machney today! I haven’t had a session for months and it was so so SO good and worth the wait! I cried and snotted a whole pile of tissues! It was so on point and lovely to feel heard and understood. I don’t communicate the deep matters of my spirit well (or try very hard to do so because it’s too much)… sometimes I share some things, but to have them held before me and to be known and seen - my guidance teams, of course, share this information through Joe back to me and it provides an opportunity to see (and feel) in new light that which we already know and live. There are exhortations, encouragements, and contextual understandings that are so supportive in those sessions. Anyway… it was incredible. That’s all. I feel so loved! We’re all going through such tough stuff as we transmute darkness and port discordant energies, but this year ESF has been a game-changer for me… instead of doing those things in the dark (without understanding), to have context and foundational core-fear and negative ego processing in the works, it sure makes what we’re going through so much easier…or at least more acceptable. Add to that the community and support through mutually beneficial relationships with people who “get it”, and we’ve got GOLD. Christos-Sophia is with us! IS US!
WE ARE!
pss. Turtles and butterflies are here to teach me this season!
No comments:
Post a Comment