Fat backup

I'm fat because I've got a backup of unprocessed emotions that are piling up. Of course it's the food we ... I... eat too. But the unprocessed emotions trigger addiction matrix which causes me to try to dissociate. 

I've gained 20 pounds (though it looks worse).. maybe 25 pounds... since Paul got here. (She types as she takes a break to squirt whipped cream in some hot chocolate at 8:18am.) <-- Technically it's very expensive and nice "Om" mushroom hot chocolate and I've been up since 4am. This (along with almond butter toast) is my breakfast. 

Our kitchen is still in shambles. I asked for service for our counter which was peeling plastic/shelack or whatever it was into our food and 3 months later they got around to it ... maybe 4. I thought it was great that it was being done while we were in Florida, but it was NOT. We got back a few days after it was done and the poor dogs had been breathing that for ... I guess 2 days. But it was NOT good. It's day 7 today and it still smells from the shoddy job Robert did. He left it unsealed and it's AWFUL. I bought 18 pounds of onions yesterday. Only used 6 pounds so far but that seems to be the most helpful. I boiled close to 2 gallons of vinegar in the last few days too. PLUS 3 box-style fans, 2 ceiling fans, and the Air Doctor. It's been disturbing and definitely felt like an attack on our lungs and body. 

Definitely dreaming hard of our own place. Considering pros and cons. Paul has made a GORGEOUS garden which he mostly finished yesterday. I'd hate to leave it. Love the neighbors. Great place for Sioux and the cheekins and even the dogs. But it's a lot of money for a kind of old and broken down apartment. $800 was fine, but $1250 is a lot. Would rather be investing in our own place. But I'll miss my family and friends - Corie and the kids especially. We had so much fun with them in Florida.

Lots of signs lately - lots of numbers. Still really working with 7 - 8 - 9

I wonder if I'm going back over it and having this extra round of addiction matrix and heart upgrades as part of the merge with Paul? I feel Paul is a "gold cloth". Really a special sleeping - WAKING - dragon being. It's an honor to get to serve and love him and I wish I'd do better - I get sucked into being a dark portal and my pain body often. But that is also a lesson to strengthen me. This whole exercise is WILD.

Anyway, we've had fantastic sex the last few days ... we had it one time, the last day, in Florida. My period came the minute we drove into the state which was weird, and it lasted the whole time. It technically was still going a little on Friday morning, but we were leaving and I was determined to have sex in Florida and I'm glad we did. Nothing weird showed up (no blood on towel, etc.)... but it was great and it's kicked off a really beautiful few days of unity and lovemaking. 

I miss Paul who has gone to work today. I NEED TO WORK. Finish Malai and then work on publishing some low content books. Really. Need. Get us out of slavery!! Work for yourself! Why the mind/body slides?

I need to eat well, exercise, take care of my body, mind, and soul, meditate, read and interact with energetic synthesis, and work toward our life goals. What is stopping me? Demons? Laziness? Mind slides?

MKULTRA and MILABS has been "up" in the field for me. I had a really weird experience a couple hours before getting on Braden's plane. I think I got zapped. Or an integration pushed through. I was so happy eating my sandwich with Jewel and going to get on Braden's plane and then there was a big beep in the right back of my skull. One of those. Triggered panic attack which I weathered beautifully - super proud of myself for feeling the fear and doing it anyway. 

The stars have been incredible lately. Shooting stars. Ophicus. Scorpius. Aquila. Altair. Antares. Spica. Arcturus. Vega/Lyra. 

Cardinal has been working with Candice and I. Numbers galore 11:11 11:22 22:44 12:12 7:07 8:08 10:01 7:37 7:47 7:43 7:54 etc. 1111 today was an address of a property I was looking at. Follow the signs.

Anyway, I have to stop eating and I need to get back to myself... my health, my balance. The "Asian squat" came through today and may help. And organic gardening and homesteading. May it be so. I did do a half-assed sun salutation and stopped to sun-gaze a little on our dog walk on Duck Road.

Emeritus the bunny is great! I have lots of friends to get back to in message-land. Just lots backed up in my being... and I've eaten too much ice cream and sugar and crap. Stop. But I can't stop by just words - I've have to feel it. Feel into it. Understand it. My affirmation today:

I am responsible for choices that are for my greater purpose...I am in flow with life (that "flow" is also a message from guidance)... and my "suggested" was to "ask and inquire on the way of my soul and its purposes".  They don't always go together like that but it was aligned. I need to get quiet with myself. This is my first time alone in almost 2 weeks so that's probably why... haven't had time really. And I feel like my priority is Paul and our relationship and love....but it must be that I need to maintain my own being while also being in unity... this is part of the practice. So much to practice!

___

9:19 12:11 12:13 12:24 12:34 12:54 1:44 7:07

Compassion

 It's been a while. Integrations. Light and dark. Plasma and shadow. Moving through. Yesterday and this morning - cries. Yesterday's cries were not my own although we are all ONE so in that way it was, but they were moanings from the depths of the earth - the pain of the earth body with the love of God moving in to compassionately hold and heal the cracks and wounds in our earth. Sophia Aurora's meditations were moving as well. This morning Paul's negative energy triggered deep pain. I had to cry it out. Victim mentality is trying to hook me into thinking and saying he didn't have compassion or care but it was his care that seeped out through my pain and tears. We are one. I am designed to transit these densities that he doesn't yet have the ability to release. I want to help and serve and heal him so that he can be and we can be what we're meant to be to anchor the frequencies of love and healing in the earth to support the reclamation of our beloveds. There's been so much and nothing at all. More much actually. Ha. Janelle's presence has been a blessing. Today my "suggested for today" was about service to others and a timely reminder as I was wiping the tears from my eyes after Paul leaving for work with us in disharmony. He went to bed that way too. 

*Practice being of service with unconditional love, and naturally flowing in the moment. The energy exchange made between participants being of service to others, amplifies and expands consciousness growth like no other method.

The more you amplify the energetic field of being in service to others, the more joy, harmony and gifts will be brought into your life. The more service you dedicate to Gods plan, the Law of One, the more spiritual support and spiritual presence one can exchange with God Force.

I believe he needs sexual release but I don't want to give him an empty blowjob like he'd like. I working on reclaiming my sexual health and desires. My poor vagina isn't well - parasites/candida/yeast galore. My period should be starting soon too. Tomorrow? Janelle is taking us on a horseback ride and I hope we don't have a heavy flow day on that day. God's will be done. God, could my period start today? Pretty please?

Anyway, I want to make love - even blowjobs - from Presence and connection. He just wants me to suck his dick. And massage him. And rub his feet. And cook and clean and take care of everything - him, the animals, the house, laundry, etc. I resent his mentality where he thinks he's so busy but he squanders his time with solitaire, etc. Whoa is me, I have to win 17 games of solitaire in order to participate in this competition to win some points. It's so stupid! 

But I have to accept what is. This is his choice. This is how he wants to live. Where he stresses himself out and lies to himself and with work he's hurting himself. Why? I don't know, but it's his journey and choice. I need to walk away. I don't need to care. I can respond to.... I DO need to care. I have to care. Today he made himself choke and he was coughing and coughing trying to get me to say "are you okay?" but I didn't. I withheld my love. "The love that I withhold is the pain that I carrry from lifetime to lifetime." Stop withholding love. It is not a bargaining chip. I have to keep my heart open and love and love and love. Compassion and compassion and compassion.

He was incapable of having compassion for me as I was crying this morning (or yesterday or ever), but that is an opportunity for ME to have compassion for, number one, for MYSELF. Loving myself is the WAY. It is also an opportunity to have compassion for his not quite being ready to open his heart. To compassionately witness- not judge, Carissa- and see where he's at. We'll get there. 

Forgiveness and compassion. You're doing good. You're coming along, dear one. 

Janelle heard me crying from her RV and came out and held me while I cried. God sent compassion and love my way. Thank you God. I wanted Paul to care but he could not and that's okay. It allowed me to see and understand more of what we are working with and then God still sent me some love and support through beloved Janelle. What an honor it's been to get to practice holding space and loving her through this transition in her life. Yesterday Alex lied about and falsely accused me and it made me mad but again, it was an opportunity to see the truth and forgive and operate in love. I didn't express much forgiveness. More neutrality but I did kind of "yell at him" through my text to him which was blanketed in "God bless you" blah blah, but it was more an expression of disappointment and standing up for msyelf - not so loving. Saying nothing would have been more harmless. I need to practice harmlessness more.

I got the "Astrological Blueprint Correction" as my AG pick so I better go do that. 5:59 5/20/22

Today we are going to see JP Sears at Goodnight's Comedy Club and we leave for Florida on Monday!

God I love that man!

Thank you for Paul. I need to take the time to pen some of our lovely life. We make beautiful love together. We didn't climax yesterday - we're both so tired - but it was so LOVEly. Filled with love. I think we are going to be able to tap into powerful experiences together.

Today I had a massive influx of liquid plasma light or kundalini. It happened yesterday too .... it's happening in the mornings. Today I did the HGS Calibration in my voice, Fear Removal in my voice and then the Seraphim Reclamation. I was in a powerful state during all of it. 

What is going on? Thank you God.

So glad to be doing life with Paul though. He feels to be my perfect partner. I did dream a lot of Tyrone last night. I think we came to an understanding and maybe had some closure. He was very hung up on "Jesus". I think Paul was jealous a little because of the time I spent with Tyrone. There was something we had to do at a school. Something with guns. Maybe it was more or different than a school.... but I was fully Paul's. I dreamed earlier about guns and Michael, I think. Lots of vivid dreams and fitful sleep. 

I'm under attack by candida. Paul and I need to get that under control. 

Today I hope to actually make a low-content book and publish it. 

No more Walmart

 I've been so bad at journaling. The numbers. The events. The life. Lots of 11:11's these days - almost every day. But also so many more. 3:33 yesterday I forgot to write down. Seems like 222s and 444s and 6:06 and 4:04 and 4:14 this morning. Right now it's 2:55 and I definitely saw 1:55 and I think 11:55 and 11:44 and 11:33, I think, or maybe that was 12:33. Lots of numbers.

But also lots of dreams. Adventures. Drama. 

Love. Paul and I are really growing together. Bonding. Thank you God for this beautiful man! I love this photo that I edited of him today. I see his love. It was taken at Hill's Snoballs where he had his first snoball just the way he likes it (ice cream flavored with condensed milk on top) in 23 years!

We've had fun. And been dreaming and planning on how to make a living to get us free from working for other people ("slave jobs" as Paul calls it). It starts with making some "low-content" books which I'm procrastinating on starting right now but I intend to start one today. Maybe re-start his T-shirt business too. 

We've merged our money and created a budget. We are working together and we are playing together and we are making sweet sweet love. I love connecting with Paul - it feels so right and wonderful and is opening up me up to new possibilities and healing me in many ways.

Unfortunately we're not eating very well - we have so much fun together! For example, I begged and he gave in and took me to the Smithfield "Ham and Yam Festival" on Saturday. I've wanted to go for years and it was fun/cute. We shared a funnel cake with fresh strawberries, chocolate syrup, cinnamon, and powdered sugar that was deeeeelicious and fun! Then we got giant subs at Gotham's Deli. A TERRIBLE example is yesterday we were hungry and after grocery shopping we stopped and got Chinese food and we both got TWO things! I didn't like their General Tso's chicken very much so only ate a bit of it, but the moo shoo beef was good. Unfortunately I was having some sort of reaction either to the food or to Walmart poisoning but it turned me off and I don't want to eat any more Chinese food unless I make it myself. I gave the rest of my meal to Wes so I feel okay about that.

I cannot go to Walmart anymore. It was so tangible and observable (by Paul) what happened to me when we walked in there yesterday. I don't know if it's EMF or low frequencies or what it was, but SOMETHING accosted my lightbody and being as soon as I walked in there. I have felt that way before and written it off or it didn't bubble through my consciousness enough for me to take hold and recognize the DEATH RAY, but it is there. It was terrorizing my heart, nervous system and triggered pain, anxiety, and mood swings to anger, tunnel vision, I went into sympathetic dominance immediately. Very scary! 

Well, Paul will be home any minute and I look forward to greeting him! I love him so much! Thank you God!

OH I forgot to mention the very powerful kundalini or plasma light infusions and connection with Source that I've been feeling, especially in the morning. I did the 144 Harmonics meditation this morning before falling asleep and it was amazing how much energy I could feel. And when I was talking with the planets and the stars this morning after getting Paul off to work in the wee hours, I felt God connection and it's so powerful!

I am still really loving YoQi and did the "Mood Lifter" one this morning which invigorated my spirit. I love QiGong. Remember Dan Cooney? He is the one who introduced me to it almost 20 years ago. It didn't stick then, but it's come back around a few times since and it is very powerful. I guess my college Theatre teacher, David Dvorscak actually introduced me to "Chi" through the TaiChi he infused into many of our college courses, plays, experiences. 

Then crash, compassionate listening

It was such a powerful day yesterday but I couldn't share it with Paul. Whenever I tried to share my heart he wouldn't care - take interest. We only have a little time in the evenings because he works all day and then comes home and works on his writing. We had about an hour last night but he wanted to watch TV instead of connecting with me. He says he felt connected. That's because I was available for him whenever he wanted me to be. He wrote an INCREDIBLE short story in an hour - he's so so SO talented! It was very beautiful and edifying for our relationship and I listened with my whole heart. When I tried to tell him about some of my spiritual experiences, he responded by saying we should watch "so and so" porn movie someday. At first I was like "what?!" why would you respond like that when I'm trying to tell you about my sobbing while listening to Nahko. Turned out it was a porn movie that he was in back in the day so it WAS personal to him. He still didn't respond to me but at least it was somewhat personal. It was just crazy to me that he doesn't seem to care about my life experience. Everything is about him. I tried to talk about it with him and he said that he just have anything to say if it's something he doesn't care about... he used the example of cars - if I told him something about a car, he wouldn't respond because he doesn't like cars. But I tried to explain to him that if I took the time to share something with him about a car, then I CARE about that and am hoping that HE will care about ME. This is Compassionate Witnessing. This is compassionate listening. You hold space for the other person's experience. That shows love and provides a cushion for them to integrate their own experience. That is "service to others". 

This is a lesson for me to teach me more about that - compassionate witnessing. I think I was talking about something similar yesterday re: Janelle. I just need to listen. Hold space. Not try to insert myself and my opinions into it. That desire to insert my opinions is making whatever it is about ME and that's not what's needed in many cases. Sometimes people want that, but they will let you know. Follow their lead.

This is all here for me to learn about ME. Well, me. 

But I have decided to try to "give Paul a taste of his own medicine" today - and not respond much to what he says. Just notice it and that's it. I'm finding it to be VERY HARD. I just DO CARE. I CARE. I want to know more! I want to ask his thoughts about things. I want to engage and connect! 

I know in a way I'm doing this from bitterness and hurt, but it's also an experiment that I'm learning and feeling into so I've got to follow through. He HAS to take responsiblitiy. I'm always the one trying to smooth things over ... the peacemaker. But he has to learn how to do that too. 

POWERFUL

 I wish I could adequately express how POWERFUL this day has been. How MUCH spiritual movement has poured through me. How many powerful interactions I've had with beautiful beings and spirits of the Earth. 

Air. Water. Earth. Fire. Aether. 

All of them have been present. 

Last night Paul pulled "Connecting with the spirits of the Air" meditation which I listened to as he fell asleep and it helped me try to dissolve fear around Air. I think my birth sign is an Air sign. Air and Earth (since I'm on the cusp)... I can't remember which is which. But Air. And the fear of strong winds yesterday was "up". 

But WATER. The Water Song came up in convo with Rosemary yesterday and I talked about it again with Angela in the wee hours this morning. And then my AG pick was Water Memory which  (https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Water_Memory ) which is a mind-blowing article about how the modification and amplification of human DNA works and more!

TWO people - Michael and Wes sent me different videos on Grounding.... EARTH! 

And the FIRE of spirit in the AETHERS has been pouring through. 

Lots of liquid plasma feelings...that's what those tinglies are that I've been experiencing powerfully especially the last few weeks. I DO need to do that Plasma meditation... the Intergalactic Plasma one, I think. Rosemary suggested it yesterday.

I spent about an hour on the pond talking to turtles and ducks and birds and trees and water. I sang the water song to the water and sang the songs of my heart to All. 

I've had a powerful cleansing cry (I'm sorry I'm saying "powerful" so much... I don't know what else to say....it's been a POWERFUL day!).... sobbing listening to Nakho Bear's "Sunday Service" videos which I just found yesterday. My brother. 

Turns out today is the halfway point between the Equinox and the Solstice so the energies ARE aligned.

Before the sun came up I had beautiful, heartfelt, mental body moving conversations with Angela, Candice, Bean, and Kelsey (though hers was a voicememo exchange on Telegram), and then sweet Janelle! 

I DID eat kind of poorly... I ate a half bag of blue chips and salsa, and some caramel corn and a Kind Bar....and had mushroom hot chocolate earlier. I think it was rogues trying to thwart my spiritual expansion but I don't think it worked!

Paul and I deal with challenging energies - having to CHOOSE to overcome our pain bodies. But he's doing it! With GRATITUDE! The Universe keeps giving him messages about gratitude and now he's writing about it and integrating it.

I swallowed yesterday on purpose which was a big deal and act of love and service.

Amazing how my moods can really take me off course. God, please keep me aligned - I pray for the TRIWAVE energies and ZERO-POINT neutral fields... for the CHRIST fields. I do feel like we are again anchoring 14D into 2D. That seems "up" again and what we were working on during this time last year.

I love Janelle's presence and opportunity to love her and practice all the things I need to practice (which I don't do GREAT yet)... the biggest being "KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT".  Only offer advice when asked. But I'm doing better for sure. And she seems to appreciate me. God blessed us ABUNDANTLY through her as I was able to sell her car and make a $1500 commission and our credit card is almost paid off!

Did I tell you Paul and I had a fantastic weekend where we created a budget and got on the same page financially which is a huge step as we continue to work toward UNITY IN ALL. 

I'm so grateful for him. HE and our relationship are my main concerns now. My "canvas" that I am able to paint most of my spiritual work with. God, please grant me wisdom and love and vitality to overcome fear and be a force of kindness, compassion, and love in his life. 

The "angel numbers" have been OFF THE CHARTS! So many! I think they are pointing me very much to working with the heart - 2D/4D 2:22 4:44 and 14D, and Masculine/Feminine 12:13, embodying Sophia 13:13 and 13:26, and anchoring the Monad with Paul - 7D/8D/9D. Lots of interference and horseman pulsing - 9:11, but we are on track moving from the 3D to 5D (3:33 and 5:05 5:15 on 5/5).... there have been so many more than that. 11:11 almost every day and 1:11 and .... just a LOT. You understand. And you can look in my other journal where I've recorded many (but not all... it would be impossible to keep up!)! I trust my higher self is getting the message. Or maybe it's my higher self SENDING the message? 5/5 5:05 (now)

I need to go do a meditation and then make dinner. 

Offer my voice

7:47 8:43 8:44 9:43 9:44

__ 

That was yesterday.

Today I've had many... there were so so so many yesterday. But during this magical time with Ayla Nero when she held an hour and a half time to introduce her new membership group, we sang together in unity and it was FANTASTIC!!

Someone else pointed out the 11:11 which it was in their time zone. It was 2:11 here. I saw 2:22 and I noticed when there were 222 participants.

I loved singing with Ayla though - she gave us exercises to open our voice and hearts and encouraged us to sing to the earth. That our song - our voice - was a beautiful offering to the unseen ones.

When I was driving back from Virginia Beach I had a song begin to be birthed about embodiment. I wanted to give it to Josh Via but perhaps I should allow it to continue to birth through me. It's been simmering and bubbled to the surface of my mind - this song writing - a couple times lately. And now this - what a beautiful experience!

22 

___

had an 8:22 (plus many more) last night too.

This was an email I sent to myself from the other day... I should document the powerful experiences I had the day I held space for Paul as we looked through his photos (from childhood and his earlier life) ... lots of energetic movement. At one point many hours in (I think we spent about 7 total), I had to go outside and purge some of the pressure in my heart. I mourned and cried and moaned and chanted and prayed/communed with God, I think, on Paul's behalf. 

We meditated later that day (first time for him meditating in a long time) and I was called to stand with him and pray visions of annointing, crowning, restoration of his wings and crystal heart... there was a lot and it was POWERFUL (for me. He was knocked out.)

Anyway I emailed this to myself later that night as we continued to go through photos. Perfect!:

"In vision/ceremony I placed a Golden crown on Paul’s head tonight and he just showed me this! "