Fat backup

I'm fat because I've got a backup of unprocessed emotions that are piling up. Of course it's the food we ... I... eat too. But the unprocessed emotions trigger addiction matrix which causes me to try to dissociate. 

I've gained 20 pounds (though it looks worse).. maybe 25 pounds... since Paul got here. (She types as she takes a break to squirt whipped cream in some hot chocolate at 8:18am.) <-- Technically it's very expensive and nice "Om" mushroom hot chocolate and I've been up since 4am. This (along with almond butter toast) is my breakfast. 

Our kitchen is still in shambles. I asked for service for our counter which was peeling plastic/shelack or whatever it was into our food and 3 months later they got around to it ... maybe 4. I thought it was great that it was being done while we were in Florida, but it was NOT. We got back a few days after it was done and the poor dogs had been breathing that for ... I guess 2 days. But it was NOT good. It's day 7 today and it still smells from the shoddy job Robert did. He left it unsealed and it's AWFUL. I bought 18 pounds of onions yesterday. Only used 6 pounds so far but that seems to be the most helpful. I boiled close to 2 gallons of vinegar in the last few days too. PLUS 3 box-style fans, 2 ceiling fans, and the Air Doctor. It's been disturbing and definitely felt like an attack on our lungs and body. 

Definitely dreaming hard of our own place. Considering pros and cons. Paul has made a GORGEOUS garden which he mostly finished yesterday. I'd hate to leave it. Love the neighbors. Great place for Sioux and the cheekins and even the dogs. But it's a lot of money for a kind of old and broken down apartment. $800 was fine, but $1250 is a lot. Would rather be investing in our own place. But I'll miss my family and friends - Corie and the kids especially. We had so much fun with them in Florida.

Lots of signs lately - lots of numbers. Still really working with 7 - 8 - 9

I wonder if I'm going back over it and having this extra round of addiction matrix and heart upgrades as part of the merge with Paul? I feel Paul is a "gold cloth". Really a special sleeping - WAKING - dragon being. It's an honor to get to serve and love him and I wish I'd do better - I get sucked into being a dark portal and my pain body often. But that is also a lesson to strengthen me. This whole exercise is WILD.

Anyway, we've had fantastic sex the last few days ... we had it one time, the last day, in Florida. My period came the minute we drove into the state which was weird, and it lasted the whole time. It technically was still going a little on Friday morning, but we were leaving and I was determined to have sex in Florida and I'm glad we did. Nothing weird showed up (no blood on towel, etc.)... but it was great and it's kicked off a really beautiful few days of unity and lovemaking. 

I miss Paul who has gone to work today. I NEED TO WORK. Finish Malai and then work on publishing some low content books. Really. Need. Get us out of slavery!! Work for yourself! Why the mind/body slides?

I need to eat well, exercise, take care of my body, mind, and soul, meditate, read and interact with energetic synthesis, and work toward our life goals. What is stopping me? Demons? Laziness? Mind slides?

MKULTRA and MILABS has been "up" in the field for me. I had a really weird experience a couple hours before getting on Braden's plane. I think I got zapped. Or an integration pushed through. I was so happy eating my sandwich with Jewel and going to get on Braden's plane and then there was a big beep in the right back of my skull. One of those. Triggered panic attack which I weathered beautifully - super proud of myself for feeling the fear and doing it anyway. 

The stars have been incredible lately. Shooting stars. Ophicus. Scorpius. Aquila. Altair. Antares. Spica. Arcturus. Vega/Lyra. 

Cardinal has been working with Candice and I. Numbers galore 11:11 11:22 22:44 12:12 7:07 8:08 10:01 7:37 7:47 7:43 7:54 etc. 1111 today was an address of a property I was looking at. Follow the signs.

Anyway, I have to stop eating and I need to get back to myself... my health, my balance. The "Asian squat" came through today and may help. And organic gardening and homesteading. May it be so. I did do a half-assed sun salutation and stopped to sun-gaze a little on our dog walk on Duck Road.

Emeritus the bunny is great! I have lots of friends to get back to in message-land. Just lots backed up in my being... and I've eaten too much ice cream and sugar and crap. Stop. But I can't stop by just words - I've have to feel it. Feel into it. Understand it. My affirmation today:

I am responsible for choices that are for my greater purpose...I am in flow with life (that "flow" is also a message from guidance)... and my "suggested" was to "ask and inquire on the way of my soul and its purposes".  They don't always go together like that but it was aligned. I need to get quiet with myself. This is my first time alone in almost 2 weeks so that's probably why... haven't had time really. And I feel like my priority is Paul and our relationship and love....but it must be that I need to maintain my own being while also being in unity... this is part of the practice. So much to practice!

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