Then crash, compassionate listening

It was such a powerful day yesterday but I couldn't share it with Paul. Whenever I tried to share my heart he wouldn't care - take interest. We only have a little time in the evenings because he works all day and then comes home and works on his writing. We had about an hour last night but he wanted to watch TV instead of connecting with me. He says he felt connected. That's because I was available for him whenever he wanted me to be. He wrote an INCREDIBLE short story in an hour - he's so so SO talented! It was very beautiful and edifying for our relationship and I listened with my whole heart. When I tried to tell him about some of my spiritual experiences, he responded by saying we should watch "so and so" porn movie someday. At first I was like "what?!" why would you respond like that when I'm trying to tell you about my sobbing while listening to Nahko. Turned out it was a porn movie that he was in back in the day so it WAS personal to him. He still didn't respond to me but at least it was somewhat personal. It was just crazy to me that he doesn't seem to care about my life experience. Everything is about him. I tried to talk about it with him and he said that he just have anything to say if it's something he doesn't care about... he used the example of cars - if I told him something about a car, he wouldn't respond because he doesn't like cars. But I tried to explain to him that if I took the time to share something with him about a car, then I CARE about that and am hoping that HE will care about ME. This is Compassionate Witnessing. This is compassionate listening. You hold space for the other person's experience. That shows love and provides a cushion for them to integrate their own experience. That is "service to others". 

This is a lesson for me to teach me more about that - compassionate witnessing. I think I was talking about something similar yesterday re: Janelle. I just need to listen. Hold space. Not try to insert myself and my opinions into it. That desire to insert my opinions is making whatever it is about ME and that's not what's needed in many cases. Sometimes people want that, but they will let you know. Follow their lead.

This is all here for me to learn about ME. Well, me. 

But I have decided to try to "give Paul a taste of his own medicine" today - and not respond much to what he says. Just notice it and that's it. I'm finding it to be VERY HARD. I just DO CARE. I CARE. I want to know more! I want to ask his thoughts about things. I want to engage and connect! 

I know in a way I'm doing this from bitterness and hurt, but it's also an experiment that I'm learning and feeling into so I've got to follow through. He HAS to take responsiblitiy. I'm always the one trying to smooth things over ... the peacemaker. But he has to learn how to do that too.