Chicken Saga

Message to Mr. Burch yesterday. Since then I went and chicken-napped 4 more chickens from Page's house for Senor (Friesan). Apparently, they are terrorized. 

_____

Well I think you are face deep in lobster and blueberries, but I still wanted to share the Burchie experience with you…

Two days ago my sister asked me to deliver a rooster named “Señor" to Michael to make into a meal. Turned out to be a lovely guy… handsome and sweet … so I couldn’t hand him over to the fork. Instead I decided to drop him on my future home/land and hope that he would hack it.

The very next morning I got a call from my friend/neighbor/future-mother-in-love that her dog had gotten out of her fence to chase and chomp Señor. There were feathers everywhere… at least two locations were war (and murder) took place. We never found his body and held on to some hope that he made it, but there was obviously a violent attack. So sad.

The very NEXT day, we got word from Dee that the rooster was back and he was okay! We couldn’t let this happen again so we decided to take him back and put him in with Burchie and his crew. So a midnight chicken run went down… we snuck Señor in Burchie’s house and hoped for the best.

The next day, Señor was doing great…so happy, he had so many ladies, a nice house and he had humbled sweet Burchie… roughed him up just enough to get him to hide all day. It was happy for Señor but oh so sad for our Burchie. (And all of us who love him.)

We decided that couldn’t happen so I was going to let Michael make soup but then Dee and Jim (the neighbors/future-in-loves) decided they wanted to adopt Señor, so last night another midnight chicken run took place and now Señor has his own place (unfortunately without any ladies), and Burchie is back on the top of the heap with his house and ladies!! 

COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOO!!!!

Hope you are having a great time on this National Canoe Day! ;)

Love, 
Grasshopper

God, Help

I need help... I do not like this relationship. I mean, sometimes I do, but it's really nasty... HE'S really nasty a lot. I see so much potential, but I have GOT to reel myself in... pull back, protect myself, let him have time to figure out if he wants to be a human being and if he wants to be with me. The idealized time of "you can do no wrong" only lasted a month. After that, I've been wrong and bad all the time. I've been focusing on "wearing my villian crown" ... but it's just ABUSIVE. 

I have my own problem with his lack of affection...he likes me to play with him and I give him lots of compliments and help him around his house and life... and last night I made a bad decision to ask to watch porn with him (because I was trying to get him turned on so that he would want me... he pointed out...rightfully... afterwards, that that is NOT the way to be. That it isn't the right time. And it wasn't and felt weird. I was just judging all the people and bodies and we never really watched anything... just tried to get into it. God was telling me/us not to because he couldn't cast it to his TV.... I should have paid attention.)

But he doesn't even like me for me. He ridicules me.

And I was so hot and couldn't sleep and thought I would just go home in the middle of the night and when he found out, he started yelling at me and demanding that I leave. Calling me names (I think... I block that stuff now)... and just so mean. He ended up first putting his TV back on (I already have to keep it on until he falls asleep), and then later stretching out over the whole bed to keep me from having space, and he was snoring so loud. I tried sleeping on the ground but that didn't work. It was just a nightmare. We went to bed around 11:30 and I didn't get to sleep until 3am and then it still was bad sleep until we had to wake at 7am.

Here's what I wrote at one point when I decided that I would try to leave again.

It’s 2am. I haven’t had a lick of sleep. You’ve completely taken over the bed - my side and pillows. I tried sleeping on the ground but that didn’t work either. You are snoring quite loud. When you awake you yell at me. When you went to bed the first time you shut me out. You knew I was flirting and playing with you and you were cold (or hot, as it were), and told me not to touch you. This isn’t a welcoming environment. I thought you’d appreciate it if I left and then you found out and got mad and tried to kick me out more.

I’m tired, hot, and have no room or pillows. You aren’t nice to me anymore. You don’t show me much affection, if any. Tonight’s affection was slapping my butt hard.

I’m staying as a martyr and don’t need to do that.

I am responsible for me. And I’m over being treated like crap.

I’m worth more.

I just don't know what to do.
Why do I "believe" in these people who are obviously jerks? But he's not a jerk in every way. He wants to help me with my house.... and he seems to like to have me around. But we are so different... 

Yesterday he forbid me to go to Kiran's appointment with him next week because I entrusted him with my feelings about how Kiran may have had the wrong idea and was trying to build a romantic relationship with me. It was very uncomfortable and confusing and weird and I wanted to share it with Ryan and he made it about him. 

He's definitely a mirror of what has happened to us as empaths... highly sensitive people... that have been through trauma. We have learned to protect ourselves using addictions and mental prowess (aka, control and narcissistic tendencies). He is self-centered...but aren't we all? We are living OUR lives and having our experience and everyone else is a player.

Yesterday I got so mad at Paul... I was SO nice to him and offered him furniture and whatever else, and then when Jannelle showed up with her little dog, he wouldn't put Manson up and was watching Manson and taking some sick pleasure (and encouraging blood lust for little dogs). It's so sick. I think he killed that cat (that he wrote about... it was too detailed. He lied about smoking this whole time, so of course he would lie about that). He's a sicko and I feel so bad for Manson. 

My quote of the day feels ON POINT:

"Virtue is persecuted more by the wicked than it is loved by the good." ~Buddha 

Feel this a ton with Ryan... he is disgusted with me that I won't agree that lying in some circumstances is okay. 

No Change

I don't really have time for processing today... BUT I had this note in email I want to keep here. Ryan is technically born during Ophicus... which is a big deal to me and I've had a deep kinship with this time of the year. This may be why we have a tumultuous but powerful connection. 

the note:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Ophiuchus

Ryan

Anyway... feeling like, no, I don't want to change on demand for him. I'm not going to lose weight for him. I want to be healthy and happy for ME, but I want to be loved by my partner AS I AM. I want to have fun and explore and be free to be me. I don't need contentious energy around me all the time. 

It's ME and me, kid! 
I'm going to love myself and be enough for myself!

I also want to make that extra shed into an AirBnB/in-law's suite... maybe for Ryan's mom? (Will be pricey, but I think a good project!)

Regardless of if Ryan and I are together, I'd like to be an honorary O'Malley! I'd like to be a "daughter-in-love"... and I think I can do that WITHOUT Ryan and his BS. 

____

I just realized why Ryan is constantly judging and looking at me... it's because he doesn't want to look at himself. He calls me a victim, but that's because he doesn't want to look at his own behaviors (victim and vicitmizer mentality). 

I must do this too. Thank you God!

I need to keep him around so I can keep learning, but maybe keep him at a distance a little ... so I can maintain my own alignment and stick to my own consciousness expansion (instead of giving myself away to swim around in his muck ... that's his miasma to work with... and I'll help...but he needs to be helping himself ...and I need to be working on my own still.) Thank you God!

_____

Listening to Kelly Brogan talk about the Villian Crown and being okay with being perceived as bad and wrong by people I care about. This is perfect timing, thank you God!

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/reclamation-radio-with-kelly-brogan-md/id1663947298?i=1000616810897

This podcast is, indeed, from God. It's teaching me to let Ryan have his idea and opinion and story and experience about me and whatever injustice he's seeing. And I need to not try to correct or justify it. I need to be the safe person and space to allow him to be heard. 

The challenge comes when he wants me to make amends for me... to apologize and take action to own something that is actually his. I don't know if that gives ME away some because I'm essentially signing on the dotted line that his reality is the truth, when I don't always perceive it that way. I can HONOR his reality and I must learn to be present with it with a compassionate spirit, but how can I do that without lying? 

I want to share all my thoughts with him... I'd love to open my journal to him... but he wouldn't be able to handle it. He could only make snap judgements and see what is in front of him (my up and down in my own processing... "I don't like him. I do like him. I don't like him. I do like him." He could only see the surface. We must all long for someone to see beyond what is in front of us know.

I need to keep reading and keep my brain active. Ryan's mainstream television dullness doesn't stretch my consciousness... I liked when we used to talk about higher concepts and we still do now and then...God gives it to me as a gift. But ultimately it's up to me... I drive my own life and interests. I can watch and read and participate in what I want. I have given a lot of my time and life to Ryan but it isn't a healthy way to do it. There is a better way. If he wants to waste his time, he is more than welcome... I own my life. DO ME.

Rosemary talk:

https://www.facebook.com/susanne.amaraa/videos/594515902747516/
Look at why I don't like to receive.... I like to give, but not receive.
"he who has the gold makes the rules" (the golden rule) 

he who is not only able to give, but receive, receives more. 

___

Back to Kelly Brogan - "How can we release them to their own sovereign experience of reality?" Because this is what I need to do with Ryan and whatever his two things that he wants me to change. His judgements. One is that I am a liar. When obviously HE is a worse liar and getting ... (I see how I did that... "he is a WORSE liar"... I'll get back to that)... but he lies to his boss, probably lies to me, and justifies that lies are better than the truth if you are "sparing someone's feelings"... but isn't it all control and manipulation?

I talked with Rosemary for a minute about my current disdain for WORDS. They are so messy. 

Back to KB "we are playing a role... they are the main character in their own show." We need to listen to the part that is us and "how can you be with that part and develop curious intimacy? How can you just listen and hear what that part has to say and not try to correct it, convert it or spiritually bypass it into some kind of self-validated space?"

Just listen and learn about it.

Another random thought... I don't NEED to spend the time with Ryan doing what he wants to do. If he wants to do things that I don't, I can just do something else. It's that I actively go to his house and am hanging out with him and then we do these things that aren't nourishing... but MY activity is going to spend time with him. If my time could be spent better, I could just go do that. 

Why do I need to be perceived as right and good? I don't!!!!!

"yeah, you might be right."

___

2:22. And I got woken up at 2:22 last night. And maybe 1:11 or 3:33 ...something like that... but DEFINITELY 2:22 and I think I went outside 

3:33

___

My AG pick today is directly speaking to me:

Misperception of the Deconstruction

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Most of us completely misunderstand what we see or interpret as the nature of reality. The changing Architecture and plasma frequency activations increase the amplified polarities in the outer scape, which deconstruct portions of the 3D paradigm. If we only look to the physical events that are occurring, we are missing a big part of the overall picture in which an intelligent plan for planetary ascension is unfolding. Over identification with the material plane can polarize our thinking into creating misperceptions of what is right or wrong, which increases division and separation between groups of people. As we learn more about the natural cycles of life, we know that in order to be recreated into something new, the current form and its foundation must be deconstructed. The concept and eventual experience of resurrection illustrates this fact. For the alchemy of forces to work, a miracle is a byproduct of God’s natural laws, thus we must die an Ego Death in order to be reborn. This is transpiring rapidly now for many people. The death of the ego is the Phantom Death we experience as we face the desperation of the inner or outer darkness, and as we face the darkness, one must remember this shadow is not the real spiritual self. The stages of ego death may catapult us into the Dark Night of the Soul or even levels of psycho-spiritual crisis.

If we use the Negative Ego to perceive reality we suffer greatly, and so the great work is to let it all go. We must love and accept ourselves for who we are right now and not who we think we should be. This is a significant progression in the Ascension timeline for planet earth and what we are enduring is very complex, as it relates to transforming everything we have ever known as an earthling.

Be in this world and not of it. Take care of your body. Practice loving kindness, which are the Krystic spiritual principles in your life and know that you are protected and safe in this Love. Have no fear. Many will be fooled by what is transpiring as if the darkness is advancing its control over the world. Some people are succumbing to that dark illusion. However, that which was always hidden must surface to be revealed for an accounting, as well as a purging and exit. Humanity will perceive these signs in the material world through their own level of developed spiritual consciousness or through the controlled narrative in the masses, which in the large majority, is limited to the negative ego rhetoric. Keep the Spirit of Patience close to your heart, persevere in collecting the pearls of truth on your spiritual journey and never let your gaze sway from the Force of Love that is God.^[1]

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Misperception_of_the_Deconstruction 

_____

Change

He wants ME to change.... always asking me. He doesn't like me how I am. Says I have to lose 15 pounds...that I owe him 15 pounds since he shaved his beard (and not all the way... that was the deal)... I did those other things in that other blog that got covered up... 

mirror numbers though... 10:01 was obvious. 

We are both peddling the same crap. Dishonesty. Not looking at ourselves.

We need a break. He has good qualities and potential, but some very unsavory characteristics... (which must be mine too!)

Ego!

Thinking he knows better.

Pride.

Wanting the other person to improve their appearance when we are slobs ourselves. 
Wanting the other person to accept us as we are...thinking we're great... but not accepting them.

I don't like or accept Ryan's smoking, unhealthy food choices, television choices, hermitness and lack of motivation, blind following the mainstream, disdain for free thought that he hasn't caught onto himself yet, belligerence, rebellion, pride, ego, tooting his own horn...

He's wounded and traumatized and self-conscious and needs lots and lots of love.

We need to learn to love OURSELVES. I need to get my love from ME and he needs to do the same.

Today Jim said that people who have a steady paycheck and sex (it was a phrase that rhymed though) don't grow... they need to be stretched to want to step outside their comfort zone. 

I need to be my own boyfriend. That's all there is to it. 

He's smart and talented and handsome, but he's arrogant and doesn't have much to offer - he has been generous with buying groceries and taking me out which has felt so nice and different than I've ever been treated before... but he's not consistent, kind, patient and doesn't love me for me. 

He liked the idea of me ... he idealized me. I probably did the same. But he doesn't like the real me. Our souls love each other. 

But I'm done. I can build my own life. These men have held me back.... Michael and Paul knew how much I wanted my own home but there were excuses and excuses...and finally I'm doing it myself! I OWN MYSELF! 

Yeah, I'm happy to be done. To get a break. I can pleasure myself better and get all I need. I don't need some guy who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips (when he is not. I wanted a humble, authentic, mutually understanding that we are here to grow ...that we are messes and want to heal together in LOVE.) 

My guidance/pendulum continues to support me staying with Ryan and buying the Firetower Rd home. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a contract and a completed loan application.

I need to find inspectors now...
And radon tests...
And water tests...
And septic tests...

Up and Down

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Should walk away

I should walk away. Ryan is inflated and not kind to me when he gets into certain moods (which he's now been in for 3 days). We fight. His pain body is farming loosh from both of us. He thinks he knows better than me (everyone). He is a dark portal. He doesn't see. He gives me snippets of love and kindness which keeps me on the hook, but I need to cut myself free so I don't lose myself. I feel our compatibility and love... it's there...but all this ugly, uncomfortable, horrible stuff is on top. I don't feel safe to talk to him or even to feel into my feelings. He insists on nitpicking me until I figure out what and why I do something.

Yesterday I lied to Nora and said the soup she gave us was good. We hadn't eaten it yet. We ate it last night. Over the weekend I told him that I didn't lie. Apparently I do. I apologized and said I would observe this and do my best to change it. I apologized for saying it when it wasn't true, but I didn't know it wasn't true. He brought up actions that helped me recognize that I also lie when I'm in a state of confusion...that's the gaslighting, truth-be-told, because I'm trying to figure out what the truth is but I'm possibly making it up as I go. 

I want to be in a relationship but I'm not good at it. Is it helping me? He said people can't change. Haven't I changed? 

I don't feel safe and loved to talk to him when he's in that mood. His whole demeanor is different, cold, shut-down, like a troll. 

Should I move to Texas? Should I just stay here and lick my wounds? Should I persevere? I gave him kisses and a blow job last night to try to calm him down... I had held him and we hugged and I prayed for him in my heart and it was lovely because I felt our souls connecting on those levels...but his head is still leading with crunchy unkindness. 

I don't want to be in an abusive relationship. I don't want to accept that. I am... I compromise because I believe in him... in who he is below all that curmudgeoney crap. He calls me names and says I'm stupid and kicks me out. 

I want to go collect my belongings and call it a day. I left my teeth over there. (I have a 2-tooth partial.) Today I should find out if the sisters are going to move forward with selling their Mom's home to me... find out the cost and all that. God, please, THY will be done. I don't know what's right for me. Plant roots? Be a spiritual nomad again? 

___

He's not open-minded. He judges and shuts down alternative viewpoints. I don't even know where his baseline comes from... seems mainstream, but he doesn't seem particularly into following news media that I can tell. He is programmed by Jeopardy (and quite good at it), and maybe listens to music sometime. Mmmm... the TV. He's programmed by the TV anyway... Family Guy is his main source of news, maybe, ha! And he watches sports and Jeopardy. That has formed his brain. What has formed mine? The last few years has been the Ascension Glossary, before that it was Dr. Wilson's website. Some Telegram stuff. Some Instagram stuff. Either way, it's allllll programming. 

How can we be cleansed of that and of judgement and just allow others to have their stories and experience. 

He tells me I smelll... my breath smells like cat poop apparently. I've tried to floss and brush more... but he says it's deeper within.

I'm rotting. I definitely don't look good, radiant, rested, loved. It's my job to do that for myself. 

I don't want to work to recruit people for PSS. What does that company have to offer? They aren't keeping up their end of the bargain... they are trying... but I need materials to use to solicit people. What do they have to offer? Will they pay me for training?

I'm splattered. It's been such a roller coaster with Ryan. He doesn't know. He needs more time to figure out who he is... to address his ego and pain body... if he even wants to do that. Why would he when he's getting what he wants... his ego and pain body love having me as a punching bag and his physical body likes having a warm body to dote on him and make love to him. 

What do I want?

I want to be me. To continue to pursue my spiritual interests. To love and be loved in return is really want I want. I have so much love to give, but it is being thwarted. 

Ryan sabotages us. 
He inquires with me about...whatever... my day, etc....without love and it doesn't make make me want to open up and share with him. I'm not asking enough questions about him. But I don't want to intrude. But maybe people want that... maybe it's not intruding. 

I'm sad. 

___

Amazing AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Embodiment

And "Suggested" was about Harmlesssness.

What hurt and irked me?

Let's unpack why I was irked yesterday. (And later why I don't have the courage to face it and speak it in the presence of Ryan (or anyone who I feel there might be conflict with.)

I was sharing with him my enthusiasm about the Tetragrammaton podcast with Jack Huber (which is mindblowing: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/tetragrammaton-with-rick-rubin/id1671669052?i=1000610678541 ) ... and he said something to thwart my enthusiasm and dampen my spirits...to shame me from the pursuit of health and truth... writing it (and me) off a crazy... as he likes to do. 

I want a partner who is equally interested in ...or at least open to... the potential that the mainstream narrative is bunk. That there are "life hacks" that can improve our vitality and connection to our higher Source.

I realize Ryan is not as far along in this... not to sound egotistical or like there is a value difference...and in many ways I am seeing the consciousness traps that these alternative views are spinning. But he is closed-minded... and simultaneously open-minded.... and although I don't fully trust myself that I see clearly because I've been wrong so many times, but I sense that he is an awakening soul and kindred spirit. 

I long for a partner to journey with. 

Also, isn't our life mostly dependent on Ryan's needs, wants, and schedule.... his smoking, his sleep, his television shows.... that's the problem from yesterday.... we watch his "Jeopardy" (which I enjoy) while we eat, we watch his "Family Guy" until he falls asleep and then I can turn it off so that I can go to sleep, we watch his basketball because he likes that. I've been asking for 3 months to watch a movie with him ... I remembered late last night that he watched something with me in Sylva...but that was 3 months ago. I picked a movie that I thought he would like, "Mr & Mrs Smith", and first he wanted to watch Jeopardy first since we were eating, and then we went to bed to watch the movie and he fell asleep. He's tired. It's not something exciting to him. He didn't do anything wrong. It just crushes me. (tears)

I have been trying to care for him... clean up around the house, cook dinner, be there when he gets home, help get him ready for work... being the woman... and he has taken care of me... taking me on that whirlwind weekend to visit Mama Bear and Aunt Brenda, etc.... and then when I was out of money, he gave me $100 to just keep with me so I didn't feel like I was out of money. It felt so good to be loved and cared for like that. 

I can't have everything my way. 

I yearned for him so much and I thought we would be close and intimate yesterday and it felt like there was a divide. I had anxiety about Moses panting. So I was let down about that. I tried to rub him and love him in bed and he just laid there. He got mad at me for being "off" and then when I said that he didn't need to make my "off" about him, it offended him more. 

The truth is that he is codependent too... the empath situation where when your partner isn't good, you can't be good... that's what went down. I wasn't ready or prepared to be honest with myself to feel into why I was "off"... I am starting to unpack it now... but I still wouldn't necessarily feel safe talking to him about it for fear of it offending him... he's very offendable. Which sucks.

But he also wants truth. 
If I could say it from a place of neutrality and not as a victim... just own my experience and share it matter-of-factly, then maaaaaybe it wouldn't trigger him. But the truth is that I need to not care if I trigger him... I have to just live my own life. "Take back my own power." What does that mean? It means that I must live in my own bubble...lightbody. That I am responsible for myself. I can share my life and energy with others when there is overflow...but ultimately I'm responsible for me. And I don't need to do anything that doesn't bring ME pleasure... doing things to try to please the other... welll.... actually... I think it's okay, but not if I'm trying to get something in return (like appreciation or reciprocation... that's my M.O.... I do things and then get bitter when I feel like it's not being returned to me... like watching ALL of his favorite TV. I don't even want to watch TV.)...

We love each other... but we are so messed up.
I could take this so many ways. How does God want me to move forward? God, how should I move forward? 

Sioux is getting a pedicure today... and we need to get her some new hay... and Paul's car broke down and he blamed Boyd for blaming Ryan for putting in a wrong part which is the part AutoZone said. Ryan sacrificed his day off to help Paul with his car and Paul is playing the victim now...blame shifting. I am a compassionate witness. I don't need to share with Ryan, but we'll see what happens. A tow truck came to pick up Paul and his car and take them to his new work (dealership). 

Rosemary's Amara sugar addiction clearing seems to be helping. I've used it two days in a row and haven't had or wanted sugar since. Are these addictions related to "Ai"? Coded? I guess. They also trigger different systems in our brain. Ryan minimized it yesterday but he's obviously a sugar addict too... he's switched to toxic Splenda instead, but it's still sugar. God, help me to take care of my body. But not to be obsessive. How can I honor my own body's preferences with love? 

I have to own and take responsibility for myself. Love myself. And that's it. 

Ryan painted my toes for me yesterday. Can I see? He is very sweet. We have a sweet relationship and love. We just get pulled off so easily. 

____

11:11 11:17/7

Poor Mr. Casey got stuck in the poop pile!! I was worried about that happening and might have manifested it!! I walk on there (and sink there) every day! But Michael said he'd be fine. Michael also yelled at him about his hay... just yucky controlling energy. I watched it. I don't like it. He's lovely but also pushy... I think that must be how I am. Telling people how to do things. God, thank you for showing it to me and help me NOT to do that!!

I was/am also miffed at Ryan for not cutting his nails. He's gross in many ways... drag queen nails, eats like a slob (food all down his face and beard and just leaves it there until he's done... slurping and smacking ... just gross), and of course the smoking...the nastiest. He doesn't have nice clothes ... but neither do I and I don't care about that... just pointing it out because I see that in myself too... just not caring about appearances. But I want to care...for Ryan. I definitely care about how I look and feel in my body on his behalf. It's a change. I want to be attractive for him. I've been wearing makeup daily and yesterday I wore a dress and scarf (pinks) for him... but I think I look more like a stuffed pig in that outfit...didn't have the effect I wanted. I wanted him to be attracted to me. 

He hated my nightgown (which he said he liked before)...and I asked him for one of his tee-shirts and it seemed like he was going to get one but then he didn't and told me that I just wasn't allowed to wear the nightgown anymore... but apparently it was okay for last night. But he didn't touch me... just went to sleep... the whole movie thing that I mentioned earlier. 

I just love him. I try to build him up and serve him and help him to feel loved and accepted. There is a balance where I can't give myself away at the same time. I need to operate from the overflow. That's the key, thank you God.

Numbers

 Misha 144 - telegram chat length 

Melanie 111 111 two telegram chat lengths in a row
Rosemary 1:22:22 telephone chat length- she called at 12:12

Ryan on road in GA 1 11 1 11 1 11 - NC and TN 144 1144 55 and others- lots of 111 and 2s and 4’s … 444 444.2 444.8 442 224 tons of numbers

It’s 1:44 now

A bunch of 111 111 for Ryan and I too… and 1111 and 1234 and 12:13… just a ton… and dups (19:19) and mirror numbers (12:21)… RICH with numbers!!

Fuel

I need to change my perception of "food" to FUEL. Think of it as the best way to fuel and energize and support my body. Think of things that don't fuel me well as hindrances...I need a paradigm shift. 

I feel bad... fat... fluffy... uncomfortable.

8:23, 8:33, 1/11:44, 1/10:10, 1/12:11, 1/12:12, 1/12:13, 12:21, 12:44

Finished Firefly Lane today... sobbed and sobbed. So much crying today.
I woke up crying because Rue came to me and I hugged her and we loved each other... so much love and hugs and comfort...And Ryan was there and Moses. This was a dream. And Ryan held me in real life and got me a paper towel for my snot and tears at 7am. 

Lots of grief moving through today. Thank you God. 

___

Ryan kissed my tears away all day yesterday. Very sweet. So many layers in our love and relationship. Grateful for the sex. We are scheduled to go to Tennessee to see Mama Bear today or tomorrow ... long trip for a couple hours but it feels to be the right thing to do. So happy to be in the life and arms and adventures of my beloved.