Should walk away

I should walk away. Ryan is inflated and not kind to me when he gets into certain moods (which he's now been in for 3 days). We fight. His pain body is farming loosh from both of us. He thinks he knows better than me (everyone). He is a dark portal. He doesn't see. He gives me snippets of love and kindness which keeps me on the hook, but I need to cut myself free so I don't lose myself. I feel our compatibility and love... it's there...but all this ugly, uncomfortable, horrible stuff is on top. I don't feel safe to talk to him or even to feel into my feelings. He insists on nitpicking me until I figure out what and why I do something.

Yesterday I lied to Nora and said the soup she gave us was good. We hadn't eaten it yet. We ate it last night. Over the weekend I told him that I didn't lie. Apparently I do. I apologized and said I would observe this and do my best to change it. I apologized for saying it when it wasn't true, but I didn't know it wasn't true. He brought up actions that helped me recognize that I also lie when I'm in a state of confusion...that's the gaslighting, truth-be-told, because I'm trying to figure out what the truth is but I'm possibly making it up as I go. 

I want to be in a relationship but I'm not good at it. Is it helping me? He said people can't change. Haven't I changed? 

I don't feel safe and loved to talk to him when he's in that mood. His whole demeanor is different, cold, shut-down, like a troll. 

Should I move to Texas? Should I just stay here and lick my wounds? Should I persevere? I gave him kisses and a blow job last night to try to calm him down... I had held him and we hugged and I prayed for him in my heart and it was lovely because I felt our souls connecting on those levels...but his head is still leading with crunchy unkindness. 

I don't want to be in an abusive relationship. I don't want to accept that. I am... I compromise because I believe in him... in who he is below all that curmudgeoney crap. He calls me names and says I'm stupid and kicks me out. 

I want to go collect my belongings and call it a day. I left my teeth over there. (I have a 2-tooth partial.) Today I should find out if the sisters are going to move forward with selling their Mom's home to me... find out the cost and all that. God, please, THY will be done. I don't know what's right for me. Plant roots? Be a spiritual nomad again? 

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He's not open-minded. He judges and shuts down alternative viewpoints. I don't even know where his baseline comes from... seems mainstream, but he doesn't seem particularly into following news media that I can tell. He is programmed by Jeopardy (and quite good at it), and maybe listens to music sometime. Mmmm... the TV. He's programmed by the TV anyway... Family Guy is his main source of news, maybe, ha! And he watches sports and Jeopardy. That has formed his brain. What has formed mine? The last few years has been the Ascension Glossary, before that it was Dr. Wilson's website. Some Telegram stuff. Some Instagram stuff. Either way, it's allllll programming. 

How can we be cleansed of that and of judgement and just allow others to have their stories and experience. 

He tells me I smelll... my breath smells like cat poop apparently. I've tried to floss and brush more... but he says it's deeper within.

I'm rotting. I definitely don't look good, radiant, rested, loved. It's my job to do that for myself. 

I don't want to work to recruit people for PSS. What does that company have to offer? They aren't keeping up their end of the bargain... they are trying... but I need materials to use to solicit people. What do they have to offer? Will they pay me for training?

I'm splattered. It's been such a roller coaster with Ryan. He doesn't know. He needs more time to figure out who he is... to address his ego and pain body... if he even wants to do that. Why would he when he's getting what he wants... his ego and pain body love having me as a punching bag and his physical body likes having a warm body to dote on him and make love to him. 

What do I want?

I want to be me. To continue to pursue my spiritual interests. To love and be loved in return is really want I want. I have so much love to give, but it is being thwarted. 

Ryan sabotages us. 
He inquires with me about...whatever... my day, etc....without love and it doesn't make make me want to open up and share with him. I'm not asking enough questions about him. But I don't want to intrude. But maybe people want that... maybe it's not intruding. 

I'm sad. 

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Amazing AG pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Embodiment

And "Suggested" was about Harmlesssness.