I have my own problem with his lack of affection...he likes me to play with him and I give him lots of compliments and help him around his house and life... and last night I made a bad decision to ask to watch porn with him (because I was trying to get him turned on so that he would want me... he pointed out...rightfully... afterwards, that that is NOT the way to be. That it isn't the right time. And it wasn't and felt weird. I was just judging all the people and bodies and we never really watched anything... just tried to get into it. God was telling me/us not to because he couldn't cast it to his TV.... I should have paid attention.)
But he doesn't even like me for me. He ridicules me.
And I was so hot and couldn't sleep and thought I would just go home in the middle of the night and when he found out, he started yelling at me and demanding that I leave. Calling me names (I think... I block that stuff now)... and just so mean. He ended up first putting his TV back on (I already have to keep it on until he falls asleep), and then later stretching out over the whole bed to keep me from having space, and he was snoring so loud. I tried sleeping on the ground but that didn't work. It was just a nightmare. We went to bed around 11:30 and I didn't get to sleep until 3am and then it still was bad sleep until we had to wake at 7am.
But he doesn't even like me for me. He ridicules me.
And I was so hot and couldn't sleep and thought I would just go home in the middle of the night and when he found out, he started yelling at me and demanding that I leave. Calling me names (I think... I block that stuff now)... and just so mean. He ended up first putting his TV back on (I already have to keep it on until he falls asleep), and then later stretching out over the whole bed to keep me from having space, and he was snoring so loud. I tried sleeping on the ground but that didn't work. It was just a nightmare. We went to bed around 11:30 and I didn't get to sleep until 3am and then it still was bad sleep until we had to wake at 7am.
Here's what I wrote at one point when I decided that I would try to leave again.
It’s 2am. I haven’t had a lick of sleep. You’ve completely taken over the bed - my side and pillows. I tried sleeping on the ground but that didn’t work either. You are snoring quite loud. When you awake you yell at me. When you went to bed the first time you shut me out. You knew I was flirting and playing with you and you were cold (or hot, as it were), and told me not to touch you. This isn’t a welcoming environment. I thought you’d appreciate it if I left and then you found out and got mad and tried to kick me out more.
I’m tired, hot, and have no room or pillows. You aren’t nice to me anymore. You don’t show me much affection, if any. Tonight’s affection was slapping my butt hard.
I’m staying as a martyr and don’t need to do that.
I am responsible for me. And I’m over being treated like crap.
I’m worth more.
I just don't know what to do.
Why do I "believe" in these people who are obviously jerks? But he's not a jerk in every way. He wants to help me with my house.... and he seems to like to have me around. But we are so different...
Yesterday he forbid me to go to Kiran's appointment with him next week because I entrusted him with my feelings about how Kiran may have had the wrong idea and was trying to build a romantic relationship with me. It was very uncomfortable and confusing and weird and I wanted to share it with Ryan and he made it about him.
He's definitely a mirror of what has happened to us as empaths... highly sensitive people... that have been through trauma. We have learned to protect ourselves using addictions and mental prowess (aka, control and narcissistic tendencies). He is self-centered...but aren't we all? We are living OUR lives and having our experience and everyone else is a player.
Why do I "believe" in these people who are obviously jerks? But he's not a jerk in every way. He wants to help me with my house.... and he seems to like to have me around. But we are so different...
Yesterday he forbid me to go to Kiran's appointment with him next week because I entrusted him with my feelings about how Kiran may have had the wrong idea and was trying to build a romantic relationship with me. It was very uncomfortable and confusing and weird and I wanted to share it with Ryan and he made it about him.
He's definitely a mirror of what has happened to us as empaths... highly sensitive people... that have been through trauma. We have learned to protect ourselves using addictions and mental prowess (aka, control and narcissistic tendencies). He is self-centered...but aren't we all? We are living OUR lives and having our experience and everyone else is a player.
Yesterday I got so mad at Paul... I was SO nice to him and offered him furniture and whatever else, and then when Jannelle showed up with her little dog, he wouldn't put Manson up and was watching Manson and taking some sick pleasure (and encouraging blood lust for little dogs). It's so sick. I think he killed that cat (that he wrote about... it was too detailed. He lied about smoking this whole time, so of course he would lie about that). He's a sicko and I feel so bad for Manson.
My quote of the day feels ON POINT:
"Virtue is persecuted more by the wicked than it is loved by the good." ~Buddha
Feel this a ton with Ryan... he is disgusted with me that I won't agree that lying in some circumstances is okay.
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