I don't really have time for processing today... BUT I had this note in email I want to keep here. Ryan is technically born during Ophicus... which is a big deal to me and I've had a deep kinship with this time of the year. This may be why we have a tumultuous but powerful connection.
the note:
Ryan
Anyway... feeling like, no, I don't want to change on demand for him. I'm not going to lose weight for him. I want to be healthy and happy for ME, but I want to be loved by my partner AS I AM. I want to have fun and explore and be free to be me. I don't need contentious energy around me all the time.
It's ME and me, kid!
I'm going to love myself and be enough for myself!
I also want to make that extra shed into an AirBnB/in-law's suite... maybe for Ryan's mom? (Will be pricey, but I think a good project!)
Regardless of if Ryan and I are together, I'd like to be an honorary O'Malley! I'd like to be a "daughter-in-love"... and I think I can do that WITHOUT Ryan and his BS.
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I just realized why Ryan is constantly judging and looking at me... it's because he doesn't want to look at himself. He calls me a victim, but that's because he doesn't want to look at his own behaviors (victim and vicitmizer mentality).
I must do this too. Thank you God!
I need to keep him around so I can keep learning, but maybe keep him at a distance a little ... so I can maintain my own alignment and stick to my own consciousness expansion (instead of giving myself away to swim around in his muck ... that's his miasma to work with... and I'll help...but he needs to be helping himself ...and I need to be working on my own still.) Thank you God!
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Listening to Kelly Brogan talk about the Villian Crown and being okay with being perceived as bad and wrong by people I care about. This is perfect timing, thank you God!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/reclamation-radio-with-kelly-brogan-md/id1663947298?i=1000616810897
This podcast is, indeed, from God. It's teaching me to let Ryan have his idea and opinion and story and experience about me and whatever injustice he's seeing. And I need to not try to correct or justify it. I need to be the safe person and space to allow him to be heard.
The challenge comes when he wants me to make amends for me... to apologize and take action to own something that is actually his. I don't know if that gives ME away some because I'm essentially signing on the dotted line that his reality is the truth, when I don't always perceive it that way. I can HONOR his reality and I must learn to be present with it with a compassionate spirit, but how can I do that without lying?
I want to share all my thoughts with him... I'd love to open my journal to him... but he wouldn't be able to handle it. He could only make snap judgements and see what is in front of him (my up and down in my own processing... "I don't like him. I do like him. I don't like him. I do like him." He could only see the surface. We must all long for someone to see beyond what is in front of us know.
I need to keep reading and keep my brain active. Ryan's mainstream television dullness doesn't stretch my consciousness... I liked when we used to talk about higher concepts and we still do now and then...God gives it to me as a gift. But ultimately it's up to me... I drive my own life and interests. I can watch and read and participate in what I want. I have given a lot of my time and life to Ryan but it isn't a healthy way to do it. There is a better way. If he wants to waste his time, he is more than welcome... I own my life. DO ME.
Rosemary talk:
https://www.facebook.com/susanne.amaraa/videos/594515902747516/
Look at why I don't like to receive.... I like to give, but not receive.
"he who has the gold makes the rules" (the golden rule)
he who is not only able to give, but receive, receives more.
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Back to Kelly Brogan - "How can we release them to their own sovereign experience of reality?" Because this is what I need to do with Ryan and whatever his two things that he wants me to change. His judgements. One is that I am a liar. When obviously HE is a worse liar and getting ... (I see how I did that... "he is a WORSE liar"... I'll get back to that)... but he lies to his boss, probably lies to me, and justifies that lies are better than the truth if you are "sparing someone's feelings"... but isn't it all control and manipulation?
I talked with Rosemary for a minute about my current disdain for WORDS. They are so messy.
Back to KB "we are playing a role... they are the main character in their own show." We need to listen to the part that is us and "how can you be with that part and develop curious intimacy? How can you just listen and hear what that part has to say and not try to correct it, convert it or spiritually bypass it into some kind of self-validated space?"
Just listen and learn about it.
Another random thought... I don't NEED to spend the time with Ryan doing what he wants to do. If he wants to do things that I don't, I can just do something else. It's that I actively go to his house and am hanging out with him and then we do these things that aren't nourishing... but MY activity is going to spend time with him. If my time could be spent better, I could just go do that.
Why do I need to be perceived as right and good? I don't!!!!!
"yeah, you might be right."
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2:22. And I got woken up at 2:22 last night. And maybe 1:11 or 3:33 ...something like that... but DEFINITELY 2:22 and I think I went outside
3:33
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My AG pick today is directly speaking to me:
Misperception of the Deconstruction
Most of us completely misunderstand what we see or interpret as the nature of reality. The changing Architecture and plasma frequency activations increase the amplified polarities in the outer scape, which deconstruct portions of the 3D paradigm. If we only look to the physical events that are occurring, we are missing a big part of the overall picture in which an intelligent plan for planetary ascension is unfolding. Over identification with the material plane can polarize our thinking into creating misperceptions of what is right or wrong, which increases division and separation between groups of people. As we learn more about the natural cycles of life, we know that in order to be recreated into something new, the current form and its foundation must be deconstructed. The concept and eventual experience of resurrection illustrates this fact. For the alchemy of forces to work, a miracle is a byproduct of God’s natural laws, thus we must die an Ego Death in order to be reborn. This is transpiring rapidly now for many people. The death of the ego is the Phantom Death we experience as we face the desperation of the inner or outer darkness, and as we face the darkness, one must remember this shadow is not the real spiritual self. The stages of ego death may catapult us into the Dark Night of the Soul or even levels of psycho-spiritual crisis.
If we use the Negative Ego to perceive reality we suffer greatly, and so the great work is to let it all go. We must love and accept ourselves for who we are right now and not who we think we should be. This is a significant progression in the Ascension timeline for planet earth and what we are enduring is very complex, as it relates to transforming everything we have ever known as an earthling.
Be in this world and not of it. Take care of your body. Practice loving kindness, which are the Krystic spiritual principles in your life and know that you are protected and safe in this Love. Have no fear. Many will be fooled by what is transpiring as if the darkness is advancing its control over the world. Some people are succumbing to that dark illusion. However, that which was always hidden must surface to be revealed for an accounting, as well as a purging and exit. Humanity will perceive these signs in the material world through their own level of developed spiritual consciousness or through the controlled narrative in the masses, which in the large majority, is limited to the negative ego rhetoric. Keep the Spirit of Patience close to your heart, persevere in collecting the pearls of truth on your spiritual journey and never let your gaze sway from the Force of Love that is God.[1]
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Misperception_of_the_Deconstruction
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