Change

He wants ME to change.... always asking me. He doesn't like me how I am. Says I have to lose 15 pounds...that I owe him 15 pounds since he shaved his beard (and not all the way... that was the deal)... I did those other things in that other blog that got covered up... 

mirror numbers though... 10:01 was obvious. 

We are both peddling the same crap. Dishonesty. Not looking at ourselves.

We need a break. He has good qualities and potential, but some very unsavory characteristics... (which must be mine too!)

Ego!

Thinking he knows better.

Pride.

Wanting the other person to improve their appearance when we are slobs ourselves. 
Wanting the other person to accept us as we are...thinking we're great... but not accepting them.

I don't like or accept Ryan's smoking, unhealthy food choices, television choices, hermitness and lack of motivation, blind following the mainstream, disdain for free thought that he hasn't caught onto himself yet, belligerence, rebellion, pride, ego, tooting his own horn...

He's wounded and traumatized and self-conscious and needs lots and lots of love.

We need to learn to love OURSELVES. I need to get my love from ME and he needs to do the same.

Today Jim said that people who have a steady paycheck and sex (it was a phrase that rhymed though) don't grow... they need to be stretched to want to step outside their comfort zone. 

I need to be my own boyfriend. That's all there is to it. 

He's smart and talented and handsome, but he's arrogant and doesn't have much to offer - he has been generous with buying groceries and taking me out which has felt so nice and different than I've ever been treated before... but he's not consistent, kind, patient and doesn't love me for me. 

He liked the idea of me ... he idealized me. I probably did the same. But he doesn't like the real me. Our souls love each other. 

But I'm done. I can build my own life. These men have held me back.... Michael and Paul knew how much I wanted my own home but there were excuses and excuses...and finally I'm doing it myself! I OWN MYSELF! 

Yeah, I'm happy to be done. To get a break. I can pleasure myself better and get all I need. I don't need some guy who thinks he's all that and a bag of chips (when he is not. I wanted a humble, authentic, mutually understanding that we are here to grow ...that we are messes and want to heal together in LOVE.) 

My guidance/pendulum continues to support me staying with Ryan and buying the Firetower Rd home. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a contract and a completed loan application.

I need to find inspectors now...
And radon tests...
And water tests...
And septic tests...