Helped very much talking to Braden

It helped very much talking to Braden. I needed a man's opinion and he helped me get to the root of the issue which is black and white and that's that Ryan has to choose... is he ALL IN with me or not? If he is, then he needed to get off those apps and be in it with me alone. 

I shared this with him...but it was a really good conversation to even get to the point where I had to essentially ultimatum him and it was a no-brainer to him. He said he's already off and I told him his profile is still there but he said he was going to go in and delete it. He appreciated my standing with him through all of this and all we've walked through this past week and he likes life with me from adventures to kissing in walmart... we have great conversations and are growing together and learning to have great sex and I am definitely growing from the rubs and challenges and it's all good. I really feel that Ryan is my guy. I love him so much and think we can make a beautiful life together. We help each other be better!

So I'm grateful for the winding road. Even the ups and downs.

Quitting the poison

I need to quit the poison... quit poisoning myself. Stop eating things that are horrible for me... processed food, sugar, etc... it's killing me. 

And Ryan is killing my spirit. He projects his garbage on me, putting me down, blaming me, and I take it, enabling his behavior. I love him. He can be my guy, but I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't trust him. He never took down his ad on Plenty of Fish. He was caught and he is hardly apologetic. He says he knows it's bad, but makes an excuse, it's just fantasy... and keeps at it. He hasn't had time to shop, I don't think (shop for girls)...but he will when his Mom leaves. And although I've kept him pleasured... lots of kink, play, and I woke him with a bj today...but he still doesn't love me more. Nothing is enough.

I didn't have most of the desserts on Easter. I hardly ate anything at all. And today I wanted to try a tiny slice of the mini chocolate cake. I cut a slice that is as big as two quarters (the whole thing is as big as half a tennis ball)...and he came out and poked my cheek and told me "that's why". Deep deep shame rises up in me. And it's because it's true. I don't need any of it. But his judgement makes me feel so bad... and I don't feel loved or accepted. And I do feel gross. And I don't need him in my way of taking back my life. He's not "on my side" or "for me". He is for him. 

Even last night... every time we talk... he has so much to say... talks and talks about his thoughts and feelings and experiences and assumes the way he sees it is the only way and is so arrogant and blames me for all the things I don't see and do wrong. And then when it's my turn, I might get a sentence in before he jumps in to correct me and shame me and put me down and call me a liar and incompetent and a gaslighter (which I just realized is exactly what he's doing to me). The only way to get back to peace is to keep my mouth shut... no... I can't even do that... I have to agree with his lies and tell him he's right. Otherwise he will rise up... so prideful... and threatens to leave. Even at 1am like last night. It's so toxic. 

And he's getting support from his Mom. I guess he's spoken to his Mom about me and this extensively... and I guess it's his story (which is riddled with victim mentality and how awful I am)... and it feels so bad to have false accusations and someone see me in such a negative light. Why would I stay with someone like that?

I am fat because I'm holding on to so much pain. I hardly eat anymore... I eat so little and I'm getting fatter and fatter. My metabolism is messed up I guess. I need a reset. I need to take back my life. I need to quit my addiction. I need help. I am so broken. 

He will not see. Forget him. Focus on yourself, sweet bird. I love you. 

Today

 Today's AG pick:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/13th_Solar_Dragon_Queen

I'll read it in a minute.

Really rough morning with Ryan. He's not nice. I'm not nice to myself to continue with this. Is the abuse worth it? He is so so so so awful to me. And then comes back and holds me...hardly apologetic... wiped my tears and acknowledged that I was hurt, but he wasn't broken about breaking me. 

He didn't break me. It's a gift from God to show me something and call me to my own strength.

__

Feeling diabetes trying to get me. Stop eating carbs. (I say as I think about going to get my lunch/dinner which is leftover potatoes and corn and dessert etc.)

____

Helpful answer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO7zo1krcEU - best

and this was good too https://myzerocarblife.com/dr-ken-berry-foundational-fixes-first/

When is enough enough?
NOW.

Heartbroken again

I'm shaking and soooo upset. I am operating from a place of hurt and anger and I started to sign up for Plenty of Fish again to see what Ryan is up to. Last night after getting back from a 13 hour drive to pick up his Mom he sat in my driveway (where he was going to spend the night) and was looking at the weather and then it looked like he went to look at some profiles... he was scrolling them and looking at some pictures. And I asked him what it was and he admitted that it was porn. I asked if it was profiles... he had closed out a couple windows incognito-like and pretended like he didn't. I guess I could have it wrong - he did it fast. Anyway, this morning I looked at his phone and saw that he has been on websites for ED....probably filling out a form...it was a lot of them... and sites like "Mature Dates" and "Plenty of Fish" along with plenty of porn. Lots of POF profiles. 

💔

I am not happy and I've gained a ton of weight. I know this has to be over. He is cheating on me so badly again. AGAIN. And mean as heck. Last weekend he said he fantasized about taking my sister to the bedroom. What am I doing here?

I know I can't be in ANY relationships now. I need to take care of myself. Heal my body, mind, spirit, soul. I am so grateful for the beautiful life I have and I need to live it. And be strong. If it's God's will that I have a partner, HE will bring me one. I have to stop trying to do this myself. 

I'm going to see if I can find him on POF. BARF.

Yep, found him.

After all the grief he has given me about making sure I say "I love you" after ever conversation. He's sick. Obsessed with porn, has ED, a cheater and liar. Second time, shame on me.

Orion Nebula

Oh wow. Last week when I was not doing well I looked up a Ascension Glossary pick and got 

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Messier_42

.... I thought it was noteable and all the connections to the other sessions seemed noteable... but just today I realized it is the ORION nebula....and that's even more noteable.

Ryan has been very challenging especially this last week and I'm feeling pretty "over it" right now. There's more to be gleaned from this AG pick. 

I need to lick my wounds, balance my mind, heal my body, and reconnect with my soul. 

Giving myself to Ryan has not been the Way.

I will finish helping him with this time with his Mom, but I'm no longer convinced he's my best long-term partner. I don't want a life of contention and insults. 

"M42 is located at a distance of 1,344 ± 20 light years"

In my world 1344=144 so that's neat.

Just got hung up on by Ryan. He's been so mean lately. He's blind. After continued rudeness, insults and a massively inappropriate response to something I tried to share with him (deflection, passive-aggressiveness, and more insults), he said "fuck you" and hung up on me. I pray God keeps him safe. He drives like a jerk. I'm not ready to lose someone else. 

But I am over the relationship with him. 

No crumbs of kindness are worth this.

I need to make up the guest room for him.

He has been home almost 3 hours longer than expected... it's 10:53am now and he was supposed to leave at 8. But his sister hasn't left yet I guess. But he didn't do his own dishes or clean his own mess bowl...he's leaving it to me, who has worked a zillion hours the last few weeks and have my own stuff to do. He's selfish and entitled. I'm happy to help, but when I did the last few days he's berated me. He spit out the meal I cooked him. He's just been a wretch. I know he is anxious although he says he doesn't get anxious, but before and during a trip he's always especially rude and mean. This isn't what I want for myself. 

We'll get through this weekend with his mom here and then I need to ... actually, I don't need to do anything... he's destroying it on his own and I am just watching. I just need to let it go and start prioritizing myself. 

I'm not his girl. He was fantasizing about taking my sister to the bedroom this past weekend. That hurts. He doesn't even take me to the bedroom. He's not attracted to me because I'm not attractive because I feel gross and unloved and it's because I'm not loving myself. I don't want to be with someone who will only "love me" with lust ... only like me if he can put his porn moves on me. He's gross. He's not a strong, kindhearted man. He is a prideful, crude, rude, entitled, insulting human. I was and am grateful that I had a chance to grow with him. We both grew. But I need space to heal myself and if I am going to be in a relationship, I want to be in one with someone respectful and kind. 

God, please keep Ryan safe on his trip. Please put rainbow shields of light around him - please protect him and give him wisdom. Take care of him always. 

___

Thank you God for today's AG pick which is an answer to what was going on with my vision the last day or two at the livestock arena. I experience spiritual phenomena and I don't need to fear.'

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Haidinger%27s_brush

Feel it all

Talking to people leaving an event and I got a huge thump in my skull... and then a panic attack tried to start. I felt like I had a bee sting on the back of my left hamstring. (That happened the other day somewhere else too... wasn't a bee sting, can't remember where it was. ) Breathe. 

I'm okay. 
Breathe.

PMS?

A fullness in my skull happened?

I ate a cookie prior. Was it the cookie?

Is it stress?

dehydration?

breathe.

ground.

go home.

John is no longer with us

John fell off his bike into traffic today and was hit by a truck and killed.

I am in shock. My first thought was that his soul finished its mission...was done... peace out. This must be true, right? Yes. Of course. But still. 

Yesterday I waved at him as Ryan and I were driving away to dinner and he looked like Fabio with his beautiful mane in the breeze with the O'Malley's gorgeous landscaping and their dogs surrounding him. He was absolutely beautiful. Little did I know that was the last time I'd see him.

I pondered recently - maybe even this morning, but maybe last night, about how a car accident might be a quick and easier way to go.... thinking about Barb & her husband. He went quick and she stayed on earth - she maybe had the harder journey. I don't know. But being sick and dying is longer and maybe more painful, but you get to button up everything to an extent. A car accident happens out of nowhere and might even be painless. They said John died before he hit the ground. 

This is the second friend who died on a bike, hit by a truck. Remember beautiful Leah? She had completed her soul's journey too... she was an absolute angel on earth... too good for it... definitely earned her wings. She was brilliant and creative and kind and perfect in every way as far as I can tell. And John was an innocent too. I hated how people made fun of him and called him stupid... but I went along with it and I should be ashamed. I didn't like him living with me - it didn't feel good. It was always weird or maybe it was better by now... I forgot all about it and bet he did too. We had a nice time at Jim's birthday party last weekend - ribs and cake and John was jolly and lovely and he's so talented and patient and present with his work - all he did to transform the O'Malley property, to continue its beauty.... make it more beautiful. He was an angel too. He called himself a "life coach" and he had good things to say. He was also hung up on some things and spun out a lot - especially with the horrible court case. He was in jail a long time needlessly...but I guess his soul wanted to experience that too. He was simple. And beautiful. And gentle. And animals loved him and he was a genius with plants/landscaping... disciplined, cutting each piece with care. He made the front of my yard so beautiful. He was a forest fairy too. God, I'm sad. 

God is the best expression or word I have to encompass "all that is". That's who God is to me. All that is.

Did the farmer spray something and did the pesticide kill my sweet chicken, Miracle? She died suddenly too. I don't want my friends to die. But this is what we're doing here. We're living and we're dying. Are we really living?

Are we letting fear steal our joy?
Are we present?
Oh John - God bless you and your Mom. God, please comfort Carol. 

Please comfort the O'Malleys. 

___