And Ryan is killing my spirit. He projects his garbage on me, putting me down, blaming me, and I take it, enabling his behavior. I love him. He can be my guy, but I don't want to do this anymore. And I don't trust him. He never took down his ad on Plenty of Fish. He was caught and he is hardly apologetic. He says he knows it's bad, but makes an excuse, it's just fantasy... and keeps at it. He hasn't had time to shop, I don't think (shop for girls)...but he will when his Mom leaves. And although I've kept him pleasured... lots of kink, play, and I woke him with a bj today...but he still doesn't love me more. Nothing is enough.
I didn't have most of the desserts on Easter. I hardly ate anything at all. And today I wanted to try a tiny slice of the mini chocolate cake. I cut a slice that is as big as two quarters (the whole thing is as big as half a tennis ball)...and he came out and poked my cheek and told me "that's why". Deep deep shame rises up in me. And it's because it's true. I don't need any of it. But his judgement makes me feel so bad... and I don't feel loved or accepted. And I do feel gross. And I don't need him in my way of taking back my life. He's not "on my side" or "for me". He is for him.
Even last night... every time we talk... he has so much to say... talks and talks about his thoughts and feelings and experiences and assumes the way he sees it is the only way and is so arrogant and blames me for all the things I don't see and do wrong. And then when it's my turn, I might get a sentence in before he jumps in to correct me and shame me and put me down and call me a liar and incompetent and a gaslighter (which I just realized is exactly what he's doing to me). The only way to get back to peace is to keep my mouth shut... no... I can't even do that... I have to agree with his lies and tell him he's right. Otherwise he will rise up... so prideful... and threatens to leave. Even at 1am like last night. It's so toxic.
And he's getting support from his Mom. I guess he's spoken to his Mom about me and this extensively... and I guess it's his story (which is riddled with victim mentality and how awful I am)... and it feels so bad to have false accusations and someone see me in such a negative light. Why would I stay with someone like that?
I am fat because I'm holding on to so much pain. I hardly eat anymore... I eat so little and I'm getting fatter and fatter. My metabolism is messed up I guess. I need a reset. I need to take back my life. I need to quit my addiction. I need help. I am so broken.
He will not see. Forget him. Focus on yourself, sweet bird. I love you.
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