Duckies & Ryan

Well I guess I'll just do a dump here.... so many thoughts and feelings...and exhaustion!

So today Ryan and I completed our 3 week duck rescue mission.... we were able to finally snatch them up with the help of a boat to corral them. It was really hard work. We went maybe 4 - 5 hours yesterday. Neighbor Donnie saved the day by letting us borrow his boat. 

Today I drove them (4 hour drive) to the Possumwood Acres Wildlife Sanctuary in Hubert, NC. They cut the line out of their legs and will rehabilitate them and then they'll get to live their days in a flock with other muscovy ducks! 

 

On Ryan,
Saturday we texted some, mostly about the ducks. Sunday we saw each other (to rescue the ducks), and then to watch a Bills game with his Dad. He wanted me to snuggle with him and he was so loving and kind and warm and it felt so nice. He never got around to responding to my message so we never talked about it. Today we treated each other like nothing happened. But I needed to tell him that I intended to own my life and that included doing something he didn't like, and that's being friends with who I want to be friends with. I told him I contacted Paul, Ramsey, and Clifford. 

He didn't like that and maybe even before I mentioned that he started saying that he didn't think he was bipolar and that I was the one with issues.... saying that it's my lack of reality and truth that's a problem because I'm always trying to smooth things out and I agree that is an issue, but he was rapid firing a lot of blame at me... and frankly I don't like it. I don't do that to him and barely want to share my thoughts when he asks me my opinion about things he may be doing that are harmful (I'm not going to give in to the "wrong" ideology... I don't like that). 

Anyway, within a few minutes he had escalated, was insulting, swearing, and twisting things up, projecting his troubles on me. Again, I know I have issues, but the way he paints me is not true. I try to validate him where I can and I try to apologize but I have also been very vulnerable with him and he uses those things I said against me as weapons. (I said that as part of my trauma response, I try to find a way to see/tell the story where everyone is right....everyone is okay... and I said I'm a peacemaker and it's part of my codependency. But even again tonight he uses that against me as though I'm a liar and twister myself. And I guess I am. I think it's for the light and good of all, but I am not really seeing reality, is that right?

God, help me. 
I don't want to be like this. I want to be pure and aligned with Truth. 

Do I have to cut Ryan off altogether? I don't like that. I really do love him and when he's kind and soft, he's the best friend and person in the world. When he's closed hearted and triggered, he's not pleasant to be around. He needs help to regulate his emotions. 

I just wrote him this:

I really do love you, Ryan. I believe in you and want you to thrive!

When you are kind and soft, you're the best friend and person in the world. When you're closed-hearted and triggered, you're not pleasant to be around at all. You do all the things you blame me for (and worse. Remember the three fingers pointing back at you?)...you project and insult and blame in order to not have to look at what your role is. 

There is help available to regulate your emotions. They could help you gain clarity about what's happening and why.

Sending love and prayers your way, O'Ryan. 💕🙏

___

His response on 9/9/9 (2+0+2+5=9).... the day of release and intention at 22:33

"Ryan O’Malley, [9/9/25 10:33 PM]

It must dawn on you that i can say the same about you, right?  When you're light hearted and open you're tops. Noone better.  When you're defensive, spinny, argumentative and cold/ closed hearted you are the worst. A complete nightmare. You must realize that, as well? 

And, yeah, i know I'm pretty great. Pretty special. Big, kind compassionate, empathic heart.(Mostly for animals.) I rescue and try to help every animal in need.  I have a connection and reverence for all of 'god's' creatures. Pretty funny and generous. I speak cat and dog fluently, better that English. Animals gravitate towards me, which is pretty high praise and speaks volumes to my character and soul.  Oh yeah, and i can fix and build anything. Pretty handy and useful. A little bit smart? More so just a lust for knowledge and deeper understanding of all things.  Good luck following up this act.👍

K. So let's try this... see if this breaks thru that defensive armor? 

"I showed very little interest in what my boyfriend was saying, paying more attention to his shoes and being annoyed he was walking too slow for me..... then he got mad?  He must be bipolar."

"I invalidated his feelings, because they weren't real, he's just crazy, i didn't do anything wrong. He just gets "triggered" for no reason what so ever. How could i possibly know what's going to trigger him?  So I defended my "perspective", "experience" and intentions and argued my stance with him rather than try and understand, be soft, acknowledge his obvious hurt, apologize and move on.  Why would i apologize? I did nothing wrong. His feelings are his problem. And he stayed mad and won't just get over it?  Hmm? Obviously he's bi-polar."

"I just told 'the man i love' i contacted every person i could who i knew would really piss him off. Then he got mad at me??  Clearly, he's bipolar."

"I'm trying to place all the blame of the relationship issues on him(pointing the proverbial finger at him. One finger blah blah... three fingers yada. Sound familiar?) , telling him HE needs professional help, possibly medication? If he'd work on his bipolar(?) that would work for me. I don't care what issues he thinks i have that contribute to our relationship issues. I don't see them so i must not have any. I mean, I'm even going to therapy, myself, to talk about how to fix him. What more can i do?"

Side note: Not the way that works.  Any of it.  You don't work on a relationship by placing blame solely on the other person.  It takes two, together. Period. 

"I continue to do all that blaming stuff,  told him last night i called all these other men i know pissed him off and that i didn't care if he liked it or not and he's STILL mad at me?!!?  How can that be?  I even called and sounded all chipper and he was still mad?  Oh, that poor man. He must not be able to regulate his mood?  Definitely bipolar. No other answer? What else could it possible be? "

And it's not about me telling you who not to talk to.  It's about me telling you who makes me uncomfortable when you talk to them and expecting you to care. Putting me and my feeling before your "friends", and yes, even yours. I think that's a real sign of a healthy relationship.  Two people putting the other before themselves. 

You sound very adamant that you see it so clearly and it's so obvious that, clearly, I'm bipolar. I hope those anecdotes above might make you think a little deeper about that. 

I, also, feel pretty adamant that i can see your MAJOR flaw and it's SO obvious it's asounding you can't see it and can deny it.  All the examples, logic, rational i present. But maybe that means I'm doing it, too?  Denying, can't see it? I don't think so, not to the level your talking about.  All you gave me was bipolar. I KNOW you're jaded and skewed and i am not in the least bipolar.  As I've laid out for you above,  there is usually a reason i get mad. Hope that sinks in for you. Might be other things about me being mad that is... different? Could discuss that, but not bipolar.

Ryan O’Malley, [9/9/25 10:33 PM]

For me, i feel like we've been peeling layers away for a long time and we might be getting down to the core.  Which is going to be the toughest nut to crack, i assume. Personally, I've learned and grown and changed and adapted. To you. For you. Because of you. Look past most things that i don't agree with.  Gotten a little less reactive to some less important things. Accepted your different ways and thinking. Look at, most, of your quirks 

as adorable and uniquely you. See the good and you're beautiful heart. But, much like you feel about my perceived anger issues, this last layer of yours is something that i won't live with.  It's your "crazy train" that i have to depart if WE can't work through it.(This last paragraph is supposed to be more positive than not?  Not sure how it's going to read, and it's getting late so i can't keep on re reading and editing it.)

I'm sorry i couldn't put on the chipper voice and be nicer to you tonight. But, in case you forgot or can't connect these dots...you told me last night that you called Paul, Ramsey AND ol Cliffy boy. You also told me you KNEW that was going to piss me off and, essentially, you don't care. You then shoved more "oh, you poor man", bipolar, your the problem rhetoric in my inbox.  THAT'S why I'm mad at you.  NOT for "no reason".  NOT because i can't "regulate" my moods.  I'm hurt, disrespected, disgusted, frustrated, annoyed, betrayed. Mad is the appropriate feeling to feel.  I'm sorry you don't/can't understand that?

My response:

Carissa Wages, [9/9/25 10:45 PM]

Thank you for sharing and communicating with me. I believe you said you were going to respond to my message from the other day and have not yet. Is this the response? You asked the other day if:

"Are you curious and open to hearing what i think and feel are issues and detrimental to the growth of our relationship?  Would you be open and willing to consider them and potentially try and address them so we can grow closer, stronger and understand each other better?"

And I said I was... I wrote your whole sentence out ... and I would love it if you would share. 

You say you see the root of the issue but you have yet to communicate it. I am interested if/when you would like to share. 

But thank you for the time and energy you put in to this. I know it was a lot and I feel your hurt feelings and everything that goes with it. I'm sorry that we are going through this and appreciate that you haven't given up. Today was the day of release and I consciously chose not to release you... I couldn't. I'm not ready. But we have lots to work through. And frankly, if you're anything like me, I think we need to rest for a bit. Catch our breath, gain some perspective, take time to let your words sink in and really feel into them from your perspective as well as from mine. 

I'm glad you see what a wonderful person you are, Ryan. This is very good. I hope you feel better after getting your thoughts out and hope that if you have any more that are bottled up that you'll feel free to share them. 

I hope you rest well.