I am going through something or a lot of somethings for sure. And grateful for the experience. I'm going to do a bit of a brain dump real quickly...
Dreaming lots...very hot (temperature sleeping).... dreamt of Corie's Mike and him being troubled but jovial, getting him cocktails and Pa teaching me how to make them properly and me making deliveries to famous people and cake and conversation and family and I don't know.
Lots going on right now. Grateful that I finished Grammie's little song/photo video for her 75th birthday which is coming up. Now I need to make a book. And I really wanted to do a painting.
But Ryan's shoulder surgery for 2 full thickness 2cm (which is huge, apparently) tears in his rotator cuff (among other bad things, bursitis, arthritis, bone spurs, etc.) is on Tuesday. Today is Saturday. His Mom comes in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I want to be here to help him but have to toe the line to honor his Mom's feelings too. She's a super trooper to come down - she's taking a Greyhound. And Ryan loves his Mom so much so this is good. I'm not Ryan's Mom and I want to stop acting like it.
This week I don't think Ryan's a great partner for me and I need to stop pushing for it. My pushing has certainly pushed him away and contributed to our unhealthy dynamic. My woo-woo, my control issues, my fear, and my desire/longing for "more" from him is not okay. I need to find satisfaction, peace, safety and contentment in mySELF.
I need to observe and heal my people pleasing tendencies which are rooted in (a.) trying to secure a sense of safety and belonging and (b.) getting people to like me. I always thought it was strange that it had the opposite effect, the harder I tried to get people to like me, the less they do!
Lots going on right now. Grateful that I finished Grammie's little song/photo video for her 75th birthday which is coming up. Now I need to make a book. And I really wanted to do a painting.
But Ryan's shoulder surgery for 2 full thickness 2cm (which is huge, apparently) tears in his rotator cuff (among other bad things, bursitis, arthritis, bone spurs, etc.) is on Tuesday. Today is Saturday. His Mom comes in tomorrow morning at 8:30am. I want to be here to help him but have to toe the line to honor his Mom's feelings too. She's a super trooper to come down - she's taking a Greyhound. And Ryan loves his Mom so much so this is good. I'm not Ryan's Mom and I want to stop acting like it.
This week I don't think Ryan's a great partner for me and I need to stop pushing for it. My pushing has certainly pushed him away and contributed to our unhealthy dynamic. My woo-woo, my control issues, my fear, and my desire/longing for "more" from him is not okay. I need to find satisfaction, peace, safety and contentment in mySELF.
I need to observe and heal my people pleasing tendencies which are rooted in (a.) trying to secure a sense of safety and belonging and (b.) getting people to like me. I always thought it was strange that it had the opposite effect, the harder I tried to get people to like me, the less they do!
___
Ryan called
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