Not ready to date

I'm not ready. But I don't want to be alone. But it's not fair to guys that like me to not be ready. So be kind. I miss Ryan. But it's not healthy. He's not going the direction you want to go. Or is he, but in his own way? He still has so many ego and anger issues and he is a mirror for my own that still exist. I can love him but from a distance. And pray for him. And work on myself and read. And I can make new friends to spend time with. And I can feel all the feels. But we can't even begin to quantify the dysfunction. And the blame and shame and I'm not a victim. But it's not healthy.... and I have my first therapy session with Joyce in 15 minutes. Do I think she's going to help me? Yes. Someone to listen. And maybe care, but probably just listen. To what? 

I'm stuck in a toxic relationship cycle with a guy I think I love. He's got a beautiful heart but so many layers of trauma that he doesn't want to see or work with and he wants me to point it out and if I do say anything it is taken as criticism. He's got such a fragile ego. And I might too? I also think I've done a lot of work. As I'm listening to Hawkins' "Letting Go" again, I see how I have moved the needle. There's more to do, certainly, but the things that make Ryan mad - my not engaging in his insults and frankly not believing it, is part of the Letting Go work. 

AG picks:

MAYBE https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/DNA because it came right up like yesterday when I went to the AG, it brought up Virgo which was perfect. Then I hit the random link and got: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Neurons

Also "narcissism" seems to be "up" in the fields. 

___

Talked to my therapist, Joyce, and she said I have 3 choices -

To keep going with Ryan the way it is

To leave him
Or to encourage him to get help. She was verrrrrrrry adamant about that so much, so many times, about how medication could really help him. 

She was kind and encouraged me and said I get to do whatever I want.... I can go where I want and do what I want. I can take the dogs and go to the beach or the mountains. It's my life and I get to do what makes me happy. And it's not bad or wrong to date... she thought it might be helpful ... just not to keep dating someone if it didn't seem right after a date or two. It felt like she was encouraging me to meet people. And she said maybe it would even make Ryan jealous (did she say that word?) enough to want to get help. 

I expressed how terrible I felt about leaving him now with his surgery on the table. She asked what if I stayed and just let things be as they are? I realized I don't want that and that I can't take it anymore... I was getting really sick from all the abuse (I'm not a victim!), but it is toxic poison energy - that anger and pride and disdain and shame and blame is more than I want to have in my life right now. 

Thank you God. I just had a half a tear come up. I'm so grateful for that 45 minutes of getting to vent and feel heard and seen and cared for. She was very kind. I wish her microphone worked better. 

Exhale. Invest in me. Go see Caris. Take the boys on a walk. Go see family and friends. Be happy and well. I don't owe anything to Ryan. I love the heck out of him, but I can't do this sick dance anymore. I'm afflicted by it.