Ryan O’Malley, [9/5/25 8:10 PM]
Pretty messed up you decide to leave me when i needed someone the most with my up coming surgery. Not only leave me but straight out abandon me? It's one thing if you don't love me anymore but to just stop caring about me. Just like that? Pretty low. Pretty telling.
What did i do or say that was so egregious that you don't even want to be friends? If Jimmy said what i did(besides pointing out the fact that
by labeling me the "bad guy" or testy/triggerable/"crazy" that makes you the "victim") you'd be forwarding it to everyone you know, praising it and saying "so true, so true." Either way, pretty classy way of handling it.
Carissa Wages, [9/5/25 8:22 PM]
I love you. I wanted a life with you. I was in it with you. I still want to be there for you for your surgery. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate all this. I just don’t want to fight or do each other harm anymore. I started therapy. I’m trying to do what’s right and best. At this point I am giving you space. But I miss you so much and I love you so much. But I love myself and need to love myself more. The contention is making me sick.
Carissa Wages, [9/5/25 8:51 PM]
I would love to help you get connected with some mental health support. There may be help to regulate your moods (and CNS as a whole). That topic took up a lot of space in my therapy session… she felt strongly that if I could help you get help, then maybe we could work it out. She could hear how much I love you and she said “what if you went back to him and just let things be as they are and don’t look for any more?” It helped me see that wasn’t what I want. I have tried to wait and be patient and forgiving…and I have. But there is more at play here and a big player is your mental health.
She suggested that I try again to get you to go to meet with someone (at the local mental health), and if you don’t want to do that and I don’t want things to continue as they are, then I have to take steps to move forward. She thinks I SHOULD date but don’t go on more than two dates if I’m not feeling it. She seemed to encourage me to find someone to sleep with and spend time with and said that is a healthy way to move on. She said that I should take my boys and go on vacations and find replacements for you as my handyman and animal companion. It breaks my heart and I don’t like anyone else, but I am going to try. If you are willing to put in the work and get some mental health help, then I will hold on for you. If not, I have to break this toxic cycle (for you and for me).
No matter what we are - friends, neighbors, or lovers - I want to be there for you for your surgery. I took three or four days off to be with you every step of the way. I am not abandoning you. I care deeply for you. I just don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to hurt you anymore.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=wgqUhK32n1c&si=jeMNDYQxZcBq4JfS
Ryan O’Malley, [9/6/25 11:44 AM]
Good morning. Thank you for your message. I'm glad i slept on it and gave it a chance to digest. Sorry to keep you waiting for a response, tho. So many questions...
To start off, of course I'd see someone if you think my mental health is an issue for us. Would you also be willing to address any issues that i feel are detrimental to us? So we could grow stronger and more secure and stable and have better understanding of each other.
Was the person you saw a licensed professional with an office you went to?
What does "what if you went back to him and just let things be as they are and don’t look for any more?” mean to you?
She thinks you SHOULD jump out of one relationship and attempt to get into another one right away? No time in between to mourn, grieve, process, reflect and grow?
She "seemed" to encourage you to find somebody to sleep with? And that's "healthy"? I'm sure I'm misinterpreting that. I'm guessing you mean find someone and grow a connection with to, eventually, sleep next to each other. Not "seem" to suggest find somebody to boink🤣?(or make love with)
She thinks you should find another handyman and animal companion(caretaker)? That we shouldn't be friends? Weird.(sarcasm, I'm sorry.)
Could you explain in greater detail what you feel my mental health issues are? That i get mad(hurt) for no reason or its unwarranted? That I'm too sensitive? That i don't quickly get back to "unity"? That i go so far away and am adversarial when i feel "mad"(hurt, disrespected,attacked, talked down to...etc) I feel like the more detailed info i have the better i can address those issues with more clarity and focus and understand you better.
Are you curious and open to hearing what i think and feel are issues and detrimental to the growth of our relationship? Would you be open and willing to consider them and potentially try and address them so we can grow closer, stronger and understand each other better?(NOT an attack or accusation. Just an open, honest, vulnerable, raw question.)
Are you still "holding on to" me or have you already started the dating process? I.e. been on any dates or talking to any potential suitors/replacements?(phone, internet, in person or otherwise?)
I wish we could talk about this in person or over the phone, but maybe telegram is best? I'm trying to respecting your space and time. What ever you think is best.
I miss you.😞
(I've been composing this for HOURS!!😂 Have re-read and edited it ad nauseum!🤣 You know how i do. Might be another "mental health" issue.😅😂🤣 Might have gotten a little less coherent with all the revisions. Sorry for that but i just got to send it.)
Ryan O’Malley, [9/6/25 12:10 PM]
Did you just delete a message?
Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 12:10 PM]
Yes, I hit send by accident, I'm still writing
Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 1:06 PM]
Well shoot, this has taken me a long time to write too. Book incoming!
Carissa Wages, [9/6/25 1:15 PM]
Thank you for your note. I'm glad God sent me to get a hug from my new hug buddy (the tree in Sioux's pasture).... as well as a sit on my rock to center and ground...before I saw this.
Yes it is a licensed therapist. It was a virtual session that took place through video chat. I opted for that vs. the limited therapist choices nearby. I was able to get seen in 3 days vs. 3 weeks. This lady is in the Greensboro area.
I think her question about "what if I went back" was meant to make me think about and solidify my feelings about it... it means the same rollercoaster to me and I'm not doing that anymore.
She definitely thinks I need to do all that... I am doing that... (mourn, grieve, process, reflect, and grow)... but surrounding myself with friends (new and old), building community and a life for myself is imperative to moving forward. If I just sit in my tears and fears and wait for you to come around, I'm not going anywhere, am I? I'm wallowing.
I'm not a victim. I own my life. I chose this experience and journey with you and I have, am, and will continue to grow as a result of it. One of the most profound things she said to me is that it's my life and I get to do what I want with it. It doesn't sound so profound now, but I realized how much I do to try to make other people happy... how I have created a life around people I care for's expectations... what a good girl should do... what I need to do to retain my parents' approval and then my partner's approval.... it's misplaced... I have to do what is right for me. And I have to learn to listen to myself to find out what I really want. Sounds elementary, and it IS foundational, but I've missed the mark most, if not all, of my life.
Yes, I started (and stopped) dating yesterday. I talked about the dopamine hits that come from it with my therapist... thinking that can't be good... and it's all fantasy...thinking about what my life could be if I shared it with this person, or this person, or that person...
I met someone really nice (as well as another who was semi-nice) and we had a good connection and there's potential there. Again, this is in one day of conversation through a dating app, but by the end of the day, as wonderful as he was, I knew I wasn't ready to date. I have to get over you first. It's not fair to someone else to use them to get over you.
There are, indeed, plenty of fish in the sea. And although you don't see it, I am a catch and someone will snap me up. But I need to have something to give them (of my heart).... and right now my heart is invested in you.
And no, I can't have one night stands. I'm not interested in sleeping with someone. I think the therapist is just of a different mind. I think a lot of people date to sleep with people and that's the norm, but I told her that's not how I roll. But yes, she might have been suggesting a boink. I didn't choose a Christian counselor or else she wouldn't have given me that advice.
As far as finding another caretaker, yes, she said that's not a good reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. I told her how much it means to me to be able to call you when Sioux breaks her fence and I didn't know what I'd do for that... and my late nights at work and worrying about my animals. I will make it work. I had to do it this week and made it happen... but I don't like not having you to call.
I can explain in greater detail what I think your mental health issues are, but I will summarize them by saying that you appear to have bipolar tendencies. I have had similar issues in the past and with the mental support of a therapist, physical support (ie. medicines, supplements, lifestyle, somatic therapies, etc.), and spiritual support (looking for help with my burdens from my Higher Power), I was able to move the needle for myself and come back to sanity.
I know I'm not "normal" and frankly I think "normal" is a program/mask that people try to fit into to get their needs met - people to accept them, etc.... but I am a beautiful soul experiencing the wild world of Earth and I am grateful to be here. I've gotten sick because I've abandoned myself again, given myself away....trading myself for a consciousness trap (that if only Ryan loved me and we lived in unity and harmony, THEN I'd be happy.) It's a lie. I must be happy first, and that comes from being true to myself and providing the nurturing, nourishment, and care that I need to me, for me, by me.
I was hoping we could do our personal work side-by-side to support one another and to know we aren't alone. That's the only way to be. I can't do the work for you and you can't do the work for me. But we have intertwined ourselves and it's not my place to try to heal, help, or change you. I can be there for you to answer the call if you would like help with something, but I am not your rescuer and I got caught in that consciousness trap as well.
I am curious and open to hearing what you think and feel our issues are and that which is detrimental to the growth of our relationship. I would be open and willing to consider them and potentially try to address them so we can grow closer, stronger, and understand each other better.
This morning I got myself and my boys into a (perceived?) pickle and feared for my Mosey's life and wanted so badly to call you to help, but I couldn't and it felt so bad.
On the drive home I was thinking about how sick and sad it is that you can't forgive me for interrupting you when we were driving by the dump. That experience alone is like a frozen piece of trauma that is stuck in your craw and creating forced perspective (like a drawing) and it's just so interesting and horrible. If we could work that out (and I know there are many others), then maybe there's hope. But you hold on to that like a treasure that makes you feel a certain way .... it's so good to feel like you hold something over someone else, and the justification and lack of forgiveness feels like power, but it's actually a trap for you. Forgiveness is the only way.
If you stepped back and saw what I saw
You were telling me a story. You weren't used to being vulnerable with anyone and you were telling me something meaningful to you. You felt like I didn't value what you were saying (when it was indeed, very very valuable)... and I DID care, but obviously not enough because my attention was split - thinking about where we were going and I interrupted you to control you to turn in to the dump. This set off something in you (anger, hurt) that triggered me to be on defense so I immediately minimized and invalidated your feelings. Even though my words were trying to soothe the situation ("I'm sorry, please continue".... although I probably didn't say "I'm sorry" right away or the way it needed to be said from the heart. I was focused on trying to get back to safety (this is from my trauma response/wounding) and had probably dissociated some, but I was definitely trying to get you to continue your story and you were withholding it (and your love) because you were hurt (and angry), invalidated, and your trauma response/wounding is to shut down/close your heart.
We have talked about this ad nauseum over the years and my minimization .... as I'm doing now.... My energy and words that say something like "C'mon! It's not a big deal! It was a mistake! I'm sorry! Please forgive me!!" continues to nail in the feeling of you not feeling heard, understood, and being made out to be the bad guy. On some level you know you are holding on to this and it's not healthy for anyone, so on some level you think you ARE a bad guy. (I also think that's part of your unconscious mind and ego that believes you are unworthy of good things and manifests that into your experience.) But you also know you are right - that I didn't do the right thing. I SHOULD have been so enraptured in your story (enraptured seems dramatic and like I'm being sarcastic, but I'm not... I think that's the ideal).... I should have been so engaged in your story that I didn't want to interrupt you (or control you?)...and that's true. I wish I were. If I could go back, I would. Or I think I would. But I'm a human and there's a good chance I'll mess up over and over and over.
So the question becomes whether you can deal with a human and forgive over and over and over?
I messed up. I'm sorry. I lost that day too. I really DID care about what you were sharing and you punished me by not continuing the story. I have apologized all different ways and times and I'm truly sorry. It's been a really long time and now it's this story, this trauma, that is stuck in our relationship's craw. Only you can dislodge it. And you have to do that through forgiveness and acceptance. I'm very sorry I hurt you that day and every day and time I've hurt you. I'm sorry that I am not perfect and my attention is all over the place sometimes. This is the same issue that happened on our walk on Tuesday. And I'm sorry. I hate it. But if we can't move through it with kindness and respect and forgiveness and acceptance, then we can't move through it.
I miss you too.
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