Reflection

Terrible toxicity from Ryan and I. I hear the role I played and need to resolve that IN ME. I instantly had an impulse to reach out to Ryan to help with it but this is my problem, not his. He has his own problems. Let him deal with his problems and I'll deal with mine. 

I cannot be in another relationship until I deal with my problems. 

Codependency. Playing the victim. People pleasing. Conflict avoidance. Controlling through manipulation. Not standing up for myself. 

Enough of this. 

Banks and Names

This is what I'm looking for... comes up over and over

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JZdsMRjUjoY&si=Pd62nb7UJt9yxFf6

(Banks by Needtobreathe)

And I need to BE it for myself first.

___

Last night I listened to a handful of the recordings I made of or about Ryan's and my fights. I wanted to hear some of the names he called me. Amazing that I block them all. This morning I listened to a 21 minute recording from 1/21/24 and wrote down all the names he called me, I think. But that is 21 minutes in an almost 3 year relationship. I'm poisoned from listening to this. Can you imagine how much poison I took on over the course of 3 years. This isn't the worst of it by far.

I talked to him last night (after waiting almost 6 hours for him to tell me if he would like to go to the movies with me. I took a bath and watched a movie etc in that time so I made the most of it. Let it go.) Anyway... I told him I had done this (listened) and offered to send him one to listen to himself. I am so curious what he will say. If he will continue to make excuses? Continue to think that blowing up over my friend saying something "bad" (as a kindness to me to help me feel heard) is acceptable. If talking to anyone in this way is acceptable? Anyway, here are some of the names:

Some words from January 21, 2024 recording of Ryan yelling at me

This is during discussion after Ryan broke up with me and I told Le’Anna about it and she said she was going to break his windows in (just saying it because she loves me and to make me feel better because I was hurting… it’s what girls do… they say they’ll hurt who hurt their girl). Ryan walked in and overheard this and clamped on like a pit-bull.

Fuck you

You’re a fucking piece of shit

Fuck you 

Fuck you

You fucking retard

You stupid fucking retard

You’re a fucking fucking moron

Fuck you

Shut the fuck up

Shut the fuck up

NO

Fucking fucking moron

You’re a fucking retard

You can’t process reality

Fuck you

Mocking: “You’re fucking me to me because I’m the victim”

Fucking piece of fucking shit, you’re a piece of fucking work

Mocking “But I can make it all make sense in my head”’

Fuck you

Shut the fuck up, shut you’re fucking mouth

Shut the fuck up, I don’t want to fucking talk to you

Fuck you

Mocking yelling “yehlelelelelele”
Fuck you

Fuck you you’re a piece of shit

You are a piece of shit in my eyes

You will never learn a fucking thing

You’re a fucking retard and destined for a life of fucking misery

I don’t give a fuck what you think

Go the fuck away, perpetual fucking victim, fuck you

What the fuck is wrong with your fucking brain

You’re fucking a liar, you’re a scumbag, you’re a fucking piece of fucking shit

And you are a fucking dumb motherfucker 

Fucking dumb if you think any this matters

Shut the fuck up, you’re a fucking moron

Never did get a good fucking feeling from that ratchet bitch

You and all your friends can go fuck themselves

Bye bye go fuck yourself

You go fuck yourself

Fucking piece of shit

This is what you do to fucking me, I’m fucking done

So keep arguing your point you fucking idiot

Fuck fuck stupid dude you’re fucking stupid 46 years old can’t figure a mother fucking thing out

Fucking hurt me I’ll give it back in spades bitch

Mocking: it’s okay, she didn’t mean it, she didn’t say it to you

Mocking: I like people standing up for me

Because you’re a fucking victim and that’s what you need

Piss me off and expect different results, that’s fucking smart too

Mock mock mock - she’s a friend, I like it when people stick up for me, it’s okay

You fucking stubborn fucking retarded pigheaded bitch

Fucking fucking retard

So fucking stupid, so fucking stupid

Fucking moron

Fucking piece of shit

Mocking

You’re fucking sad, you’re fucking crying, fuck you!

Not giving a fuck how it makes me feel - fuck you

Fuck you

Mocking - Deirdre he’s so mean….horrible energy in long mock

What the fuck is wrong with you listen to your fucking self

Grow the fuck up

You keep your fucking problem 

Shut your fucking mouth when you are taking to my fucking family

It was your fucking decision - shut the fuck up - 

you’re a pushy, needy…

You fucking piece of shit

This is your fucking fault and your fucking problem

Go fuck yourself

You’re a fucking retard

You’re a fucking whack job

You can go fuck yourself

Yeah so shut your fucking stupid fucking mouth with my fucking step-mother - nobody cares about your woo woo fucking problems 

FREE of all boys/men

I picked Ryan up to bring his cats to the vet on Saturday. He was mean and awful as usual. I was mean and awful back and I lied to him and told him I was going to have sex with someone else that night.

He called me later to push on who it was and I told him it was Clifford. And kept pushing and he deduced that we had set all this up earlier this week and that was that. He called me so many names (even more than usual, so every word out of his mouth was a name and insult. Usually there are a few non-name-calling words sprinkled in.) Anyway, we have cut ties and I think it's exactly how it needed to happen. I couldn't keep submitting myself to his moods, insults, and rudeness. He is crass, selfish, and a user. 

On Saturday night what I ACTUALLY did was go to the most moving and beautiful Rumi poetry reading and musical healing night ever! I cried and snotted through the whole thing - absolutely powerful and lovely. And I sat with Le'Anna and it was just perfect.

Sunday I decided I wanted to go to Ayden and feel into Clifford. Let him go too. I always wanted to go to Ayden, so I went. I took the boys and we went on a perfect walk at a science center out there. I processed Clifford and felt to call him. It was a hard decision but I'm glad I did. He didn't answer so I wrote a note that I didn't send and called it fate and perfect timing to let him go. It's been a year. Time to let go. I also went to the Creamery out there that I've wanted to go to for a long time. I got 3 tubs of butter instead of iced cream. :)

But Clifford called me back on my way home and I pulled over and ended up talking to him for almost a half hour. It was very healing and releasing as I learned he didn't have the same feelings and pull as me. He said we met 2x so there wasn't much there. He wants to be alone. He sounds miserable and depressed and wants to wallow in that. He has a therapist that he's worked with for years that is helping him and if he wants to connect with anyone it should be his family and people that have been in his life for a long time. So I respect that although I kept saying I could be a friend. But even in the end when he said that "if he didn't talk to me before the Holidays, Happy Holidays" and I picked up on the "if" and asked him about it - asking if that meant it was okay to call him? And he said he was a people pleaser and wanted to be polite and I said I understood but he could just say "have a good life" and he said that he didn't want to be mean and I said it wasn't and he so kindly and tenderly said "I DO wish that for you" and I said I wished it for him too and we hung up and that's that. All done.

Thanks be to God.

My Co-Star app said yesterday "You can always rebuild and become the next you. That wound you. keep touching hasn't healed because you won't leave it alone. Stop picking at the past. The person who hurt you yesterday doesn't deserve any more of your tomorrows. Look forward now. The view improves immediately." here here.

Oh also, we were able to get some closure with Clifford... he said he doesn't harbor any ill will or bad feelings towards me that it was what it was. I chose to go back to my boyfriend over continuing to explore with him. (And as much as I hate how I was deceived by Ryan - Ryan was deceived by Ryan too - he implied he would get down on one knee and move in tomorrow - it all unfolded how it was supposed to. It led me to another wasted year full of emotional and verbal abuse, but there were lots of good moments too. I trust Ryan and I both grew as a result. I have wounds to heal as a result as well, but I'll heal them. I'm strong and resilient! And Clifford was going to have to go into this dark night as well and he was still married and he smokes and although we had incredible chemistry, he wasn't the one. It's all been a perfect lesson.

So I no longer have Ryan or fantasys of Jeff, Clifford, or Ramsey to taunt me. I am free! 
I have a friend in Aaron but even that has fizzled some. There's not a real connection there. He doesn't take interest in my life and I think it's nice... an easy, no pressure, be a person for this brother so he knows he's not alone. And I think he could be that for me too. But I have such wonderful family, friends, and home. I'm blessed.

God bless Ryan. Please give him joy and peace, whatever that looks and feels like or best for him. He's not for me. Someone who sleeps all day. Squanders the opportunities he has (i.e. to do some self help and processing while he's not working). Lies to himself and insults everyone else. Just not the kind of person I want to invest my heart into anymore. I see his love of animals and enjoy the positive aspects of our relationship. His interest in my life (although it is often food for him to judge), his help when I needed it (he has done a lot for my house - and I have paid him a lot as well in money, "services", and food/other things.) Anyway, it's done. I don't want to put any more energy into it.

Acute longing for Clifford

 I am again experiencing an acute longing for Clifford. I was wondering if I should process with ChatGPT too but I don't want to get stuck in that or programmed by Chat. It seems like a slippery slope. And I'm getting tingles in my back now so I'll take that as confirmation.

I also can't push or pursue Clifford or anyone else. This is my spiritual work. My longing and DESIRE came up for me today to feel through... see how it makes me PUSHY and remember the experience of being pushed by Jannelle and how it made me feel. I don't want to be like that. I need to GO with the FLOW and allow LIFE and GOD to DELIGHT ME as I ENJOY THE RIDE. 

God is close now showing me the WAY. I'm grateful for the feeling of a friend like Aaron who is just doing his own work and there's no PUSH/PULL dynamics. And there are others too that are like this... and this is how I should be. This Trevor Hall song "Never gonna break your heart" I think is bringing power too.

I just need to BE with what is and enjoy it and feel and cry and it's beautiful. Thank you God. Life is beautiful. You are beautiful Carissa. This is the sweet spot. We're here. We're doing it. How does it feel? So good... powerful...soothing and exciting I guess.... hard to explain...the electricity in my spine and back and the tears rising within me. The love. This song and my love... it's powerful. "I'm never gonna break your heart". on the album "in and through the body". Yes. This is where I must live. In extasy with myself. 

Enter through the upset. (Kelly Brogan's phrase)
That's what I'm doing.
I also dreamed last night of a man who loved me and I think it was my guy... he was a regular, hard-working but fun and loving person. A little squooshy and we had a connection and light that felt nice. 

Do I wait for God to introduce me or do I seek it out?
See above. FLOW. I don't need to drive or control anything. Enjoy the RIDE! I love you Carissa. I love you so much!! Thank you God!!! I feel it and thank you. This is the fruit of meditation and self-care. Open my heart, God. Thank you God. 

Dopamine

I'm trying to build community - foster healthy relationships - and sink into the happiness that will produce.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI&t=491s

I asked for more connections after watching the video above and the universe instantly answered with my new friend Aaron who was also in need of a friend. 

We communicate on Facebook and it is proving to be a good portal for spiritual work. There are synchronicities and opportunities for reflection. It's an opportunity to practice listening.... ACTIVE listening, Carissa!!! Do better! And compassionate witnessing. 

I am also noticing that it is creating that addictive longing for dopamine hits from the connection... is he going to write? What will he say? Hooks for fantasy (even though it is very mild and undefined, but just the possibility, the wondering, is addictive.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlrpeYdm9Ec (that is a crazy talented beatboxer doing a song called "dopamine". It gets good at around 30 seconds.)

I miss Clifford. I felt like I could say anything to him. 
I am holding back with Aaron. Trying to discern where he is. Also an opportunity to see how emotional/spiritual cords are created and let's see if there is always harm from that? I think I am the dark portal trying to create cords on some level - designed to try to pull him off his 18 month journey of sobriety? (Though he said he's "California sober" which means that he still smokes pot and vapes.) Anyway, I don't know if that's true....that the demons in me are trying to create a portal to get to him? 

But this is definitely shining a light on my own addictive tendencies and how I want to fill it with people and connection. How I am looking for another person addict to play the game with me. That's bad. 

I'm on day two of my 40 day commitment to meditating every day. I really like it. I've been meditating, as you know, off and on for years. It's been a comforting practice this last month a lot too, but I want to be more formal about it. I want to hear my heart and listen and do what it says. I want to take better care of myself and find my love inside of myself.

Ryan is lovely, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't want a relationship with him. He is not a good partner to me. Sometimes he's kind and helpful and he is talented and I appreciate his companionship sometimes. But he's also hard on my nervous system with his smoking and swearing and triggerability. He doesn't desire to provide for me - especially what I need most, security. He isn't committed to his own reclamation and repair and that's a mirror for how I've abandoned myself. So I need to come back to ME. I'M my best friend.

What a journey.