He called me later to push on who it was and I told him it was Clifford. And kept pushing and he deduced that we had set all this up earlier this week and that was that. He called me so many names (even more than usual, so every word out of his mouth was a name and insult. Usually there are a few non-name-calling words sprinkled in.) Anyway, we have cut ties and I think it's exactly how it needed to happen. I couldn't keep submitting myself to his moods, insults, and rudeness. He is crass, selfish, and a user.
On Saturday night what I ACTUALLY did was go to the most moving and beautiful Rumi poetry reading and musical healing night ever! I cried and snotted through the whole thing - absolutely powerful and lovely. And I sat with Le'Anna and it was just perfect.
Sunday I decided I wanted to go to Ayden and feel into Clifford. Let him go too. I always wanted to go to Ayden, so I went. I took the boys and we went on a perfect walk at a science center out there. I processed Clifford and felt to call him. It was a hard decision but I'm glad I did. He didn't answer so I wrote a note that I didn't send and called it fate and perfect timing to let him go. It's been a year. Time to let go. I also went to the Creamery out there that I've wanted to go to for a long time. I got 3 tubs of butter instead of iced cream. :)
But Clifford called me back on my way home and I pulled over and ended up talking to him for almost a half hour. It was very healing and releasing as I learned he didn't have the same feelings and pull as me. He said we met 2x so there wasn't much there. He wants to be alone. He sounds miserable and depressed and wants to wallow in that. He has a therapist that he's worked with for years that is helping him and if he wants to connect with anyone it should be his family and people that have been in his life for a long time. So I respect that although I kept saying I could be a friend. But even in the end when he said that "if he didn't talk to me before the Holidays, Happy Holidays" and I picked up on the "if" and asked him about it - asking if that meant it was okay to call him? And he said he was a people pleaser and wanted to be polite and I said I understood but he could just say "have a good life" and he said that he didn't want to be mean and I said it wasn't and he so kindly and tenderly said "I DO wish that for you" and I said I wished it for him too and we hung up and that's that. All done.
Thanks be to God.
My Co-Star app said yesterday "You can always rebuild and become the next you. That wound you. keep touching hasn't healed because you won't leave it alone. Stop picking at the past. The person who hurt you yesterday doesn't deserve any more of your tomorrows. Look forward now. The view improves immediately." here here.
Oh also, we were able to get some closure with Clifford... he said he doesn't harbor any ill will or bad feelings towards me that it was what it was. I chose to go back to my boyfriend over continuing to explore with him. (And as much as I hate how I was deceived by Ryan - Ryan was deceived by Ryan too - he implied he would get down on one knee and move in tomorrow - it all unfolded how it was supposed to. It led me to another wasted year full of emotional and verbal abuse, but there were lots of good moments too. I trust Ryan and I both grew as a result. I have wounds to heal as a result as well, but I'll heal them. I'm strong and resilient! And Clifford was going to have to go into this dark night as well and he was still married and he smokes and although we had incredible chemistry, he wasn't the one. It's all been a perfect lesson.
So I no longer have Ryan or fantasys of Jeff, Clifford, or Ramsey to taunt me. I am free!
I have a friend in Aaron but even that has fizzled some. There's not a real connection there. He doesn't take interest in my life and I think it's nice... an easy, no pressure, be a person for this brother so he knows he's not alone. And I think he could be that for me too. But I have such wonderful family, friends, and home. I'm blessed.
God bless Ryan. Please give him joy and peace, whatever that looks and feels like or best for him. He's not for me. Someone who sleeps all day. Squanders the opportunities he has (i.e. to do some self help and processing while he's not working). Lies to himself and insults everyone else. Just not the kind of person I want to invest my heart into anymore. I see his love of animals and enjoy the positive aspects of our relationship. His interest in my life (although it is often food for him to judge), his help when I needed it (he has done a lot for my house - and I have paid him a lot as well in money, "services", and food/other things.) Anyway, it's done. I don't want to put any more energy into it.
So I no longer have Ryan or fantasys of Jeff, Clifford, or Ramsey to taunt me. I am free!
I have a friend in Aaron but even that has fizzled some. There's not a real connection there. He doesn't take interest in my life and I think it's nice... an easy, no pressure, be a person for this brother so he knows he's not alone. And I think he could be that for me too. But I have such wonderful family, friends, and home. I'm blessed.
God bless Ryan. Please give him joy and peace, whatever that looks and feels like or best for him. He's not for me. Someone who sleeps all day. Squanders the opportunities he has (i.e. to do some self help and processing while he's not working). Lies to himself and insults everyone else. Just not the kind of person I want to invest my heart into anymore. I see his love of animals and enjoy the positive aspects of our relationship. His interest in my life (although it is often food for him to judge), his help when I needed it (he has done a lot for my house - and I have paid him a lot as well in money, "services", and food/other things.) Anyway, it's done. I don't want to put any more energy into it.
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