https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI&t=491s
I asked for more connections after watching the video above and the universe instantly answered with my new friend Aaron who was also in need of a friend.
I asked for more connections after watching the video above and the universe instantly answered with my new friend Aaron who was also in need of a friend.
We communicate on Facebook and it is proving to be a good portal for spiritual work. There are synchronicities and opportunities for reflection. It's an opportunity to practice listening.... ACTIVE listening, Carissa!!! Do better! And compassionate witnessing.
I am also noticing that it is creating that addictive longing for dopamine hits from the connection... is he going to write? What will he say? Hooks for fantasy (even though it is very mild and undefined, but just the possibility, the wondering, is addictive.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlrpeYdm9Ec (that is a crazy talented beatboxer doing a song called "dopamine". It gets good at around 30 seconds.)
I miss Clifford. I felt like I could say anything to him.
I am holding back with Aaron. Trying to discern where he is. Also an opportunity to see how emotional/spiritual cords are created and let's see if there is always harm from that? I think I am the dark portal trying to create cords on some level - designed to try to pull him off his 18 month journey of sobriety? (Though he said he's "California sober" which means that he still smokes pot and vapes.) Anyway, I don't know if that's true....that the demons in me are trying to create a portal to get to him?
I am also noticing that it is creating that addictive longing for dopamine hits from the connection... is he going to write? What will he say? Hooks for fantasy (even though it is very mild and undefined, but just the possibility, the wondering, is addictive.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlrpeYdm9Ec (that is a crazy talented beatboxer doing a song called "dopamine". It gets good at around 30 seconds.)
I miss Clifford. I felt like I could say anything to him.
I am holding back with Aaron. Trying to discern where he is. Also an opportunity to see how emotional/spiritual cords are created and let's see if there is always harm from that? I think I am the dark portal trying to create cords on some level - designed to try to pull him off his 18 month journey of sobriety? (Though he said he's "California sober" which means that he still smokes pot and vapes.) Anyway, I don't know if that's true....that the demons in me are trying to create a portal to get to him?
But this is definitely shining a light on my own addictive tendencies and how I want to fill it with people and connection. How I am looking for another person addict to play the game with me. That's bad.
I'm on day two of my 40 day commitment to meditating every day. I really like it. I've been meditating, as you know, off and on for years. It's been a comforting practice this last month a lot too, but I want to be more formal about it. I want to hear my heart and listen and do what it says. I want to take better care of myself and find my love inside of myself.
Ryan is lovely, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't want a relationship with him. He is not a good partner to me. Sometimes he's kind and helpful and he is talented and I appreciate his companionship sometimes. But he's also hard on my nervous system with his smoking and swearing and triggerability. He doesn't desire to provide for me - especially what I need most, security. He isn't committed to his own reclamation and repair and that's a mirror for how I've abandoned myself. So I need to come back to ME. I'M my best friend.
What a journey.
Ryan is lovely, and I love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I don't want a relationship with him. He is not a good partner to me. Sometimes he's kind and helpful and he is talented and I appreciate his companionship sometimes. But he's also hard on my nervous system with his smoking and swearing and triggerability. He doesn't desire to provide for me - especially what I need most, security. He isn't committed to his own reclamation and repair and that's a mirror for how I've abandoned myself. So I need to come back to ME. I'M my best friend.
What a journey.
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