This is what I'm looking for... comes up over and over
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=JZdsMRjUjoY&si=Pd62nb7UJt9yxFf6
(Banks by Needtobreathe)
And I need to BE it for myself first.
___
Last night I listened to a handful of the recordings I made of or about Ryan's and my fights. I wanted to hear some of the names he called me. Amazing that I block them all. This morning I listened to a 21 minute recording from 1/21/24 and wrote down all the names he called me, I think. But that is 21 minutes in an almost 3 year relationship. I'm poisoned from listening to this. Can you imagine how much poison I took on over the course of 3 years. This isn't the worst of it by far.
I talked to him last night (after waiting almost 6 hours for him to tell me if he would like to go to the movies with me. I took a bath and watched a movie etc in that time so I made the most of it. Let it go.) Anyway... I told him I had done this (listened) and offered to send him one to listen to himself. I am so curious what he will say. If he will continue to make excuses? Continue to think that blowing up over my friend saying something "bad" (as a kindness to me to help me feel heard) is acceptable. If talking to anyone in this way is acceptable? Anyway, here are some of the names:
Some words from January 21, 2024 recording of Ryan yelling at me
This is during discussion after Ryan broke up with me and I told Le’Anna about it and she said she was going to break his windows in (just saying it because she loves me and to make me feel better because I was hurting… it’s what girls do… they say they’ll hurt who hurt their girl). Ryan walked in and overheard this and clamped on like a pit-bull.
Fuck you
You’re a fucking piece of shit
Fuck you
Fuck you
You fucking retard
You stupid fucking retard
You’re a fucking fucking moron
Fuck you
Shut the fuck up
Shut the fuck up
NO
Fucking fucking moron
You’re a fucking retard
You can’t process reality
Fuck you
Mocking: “You’re fucking me to me because I’m the victim”
Fucking piece of fucking shit, you’re a piece of fucking work
Mocking “But I can make it all make sense in my head”’
Fuck you
Shut the fuck up, shut you’re fucking mouth
Shut the fuck up, I don’t want to fucking talk to you
Fuck you
Mocking yelling “yehlelelelelele”
Fuck you
Fuck you you’re a piece of shit
You are a piece of shit in my eyes
You will never learn a fucking thing
You’re a fucking retard and destined for a life of fucking misery
I don’t give a fuck what you think
Go the fuck away, perpetual fucking victim, fuck you
What the fuck is wrong with your fucking brain
You’re fucking a liar, you’re a scumbag, you’re a fucking piece of fucking shit
And you are a fucking dumb motherfucker
Fucking dumb if you think any this matters
Shut the fuck up, you’re a fucking moron
Never did get a good fucking feeling from that ratchet bitch
You and all your friends can go fuck themselves
Bye bye go fuck yourself
You go fuck yourself
Fucking piece of shit
This is what you do to fucking me, I’m fucking done
So keep arguing your point you fucking idiot
Fuck fuck stupid dude you’re fucking stupid 46 years old can’t figure a mother fucking thing out
Fucking hurt me I’ll give it back in spades bitch
Mocking: it’s okay, she didn’t mean it, she didn’t say it to you
Mocking: I like people standing up for me
Because you’re a fucking victim and that’s what you need
Piss me off and expect different results, that’s fucking smart too
Mock mock mock - she’s a friend, I like it when people stick up for me, it’s okay
You fucking stubborn fucking retarded pigheaded bitch
Fucking fucking retard
So fucking stupid, so fucking stupid
Fucking moron
Fucking piece of shit
Mocking
You’re fucking sad, you’re fucking crying, fuck you!
Not giving a fuck how it makes me feel - fuck you
Fuck you
Mocking - Deirdre he’s so mean….horrible energy in long mock
What the fuck is wrong with you listen to your fucking self
Grow the fuck up
You keep your fucking problem
Shut your fucking mouth when you are taking to my fucking family
It was your fucking decision - shut the fuck up -
you’re a pushy, needy…
You fucking piece of shit
This is your fucking fault and your fucking problem
Go fuck yourself
You’re a fucking retard
You’re a fucking whack job
You can go fuck yourself
Yeah so shut your fucking stupid fucking mouth with my fucking step-mother - nobody cares about your woo woo fucking problems
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