How to Eat

I have been on this "how do I eat" rollercoaster since God made me aware of it in 2010 and I did that Ezekiel Fast. Food is medicine. Food is life. You are what you eat. 

So what do I want to be? A blueberry? Sweet and a little sour. A steak. Grounded. 

I need nutrients. 

I feel sick and bad when I eat crap. I think the seed oils are really the worst. And vegetables make me inflammed and farty. And sugar is a doorway to the deep end. Bread and cookies take me away from my center. 

I feel best when I eat carnivore. Can I eat fruit too? Can I feel great and not inflammed and not filled with desperation and food noise if I eat fruit and honey with my meat? 

steaks - yes

egg & beef cups - yes

dried mango, I'm not sure
I want to get some apples and make air-fry apples drizzled with honey and whipped cream
I want to have some berries on hand although I think berries might not be good for me. What's true? Let me ask my standing-pendulum-self....I don't trust myself. And that's a problem.

But I want to feel good. I want energy. I don't want to be sore and stressed. 

I feel kind of over chicken wings right now. We'll see. 
Meat, fruit, honey, dairy (some - healthy options... high fat... butter and heavy cream)

What did carnivore aurelius say? He said we need carbs too for optimal thyroid function... and that's probably true. Dangit.

I don't know...or do I? Meat only? No meat? I don't know. I will figure it out. I think I should only eat LIFE-GIVING foods... ask "does this give me life" before I eat it... and if YES, then OK. If no, then don't eat it.

I wonder if WHOLE FOODS are The Way. I've been thinking about doing something like that Whole30... just eat whole foods. So... I don't know. Steaks, fruit, and some dairy and a little honey... could that work?

Satanism and Black Magic is the Key

This is my AG pick today, and next level of education from God to remind me to dig deeper - this is what has me trapped. This is my heritage, my ancestral miasma in need of love and healing. It connects the NRG and Egypt and sexual misery program and SRA and pedophilia and all the pieces that torture me.

This is why Hitler came up last month too. And again in a movie 2 days ago.

This is my work.
My mirror exercise is important too.
Do the work.

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Thothian_Grid

Thothian Grid

The collective consciousness of Black Magic Grids were controlled and installed by the consciousness of an Atlantian teacher and Solar Lord archetype Aleister Crowley and his mentor Thoth, and the Negative Aliens. According to remote session intelligence collected and Guardian mentorship, Aleister Crowley is a key figure in cooperating with the NAA, starting from Grey Alien contact with a entity called Aiwass made in Cairo, Egypt in April 1904. The manipulation of consciousness technology and the world of forces for Service to Self and Negative Ego purposes without regard for the consent or consequence of others. There are many different levels of the propagation of Black Magic. Black Magic is a form of Satanism. Advanced SRA rituals include Blood Sacrifice, Pedophilia and Sodomy that are considered the path to the Typhonian Tradition used in order to manifest immortality for the people engaged with these NAA forces, which they consider to be more powerful than Christ, the Solar Deity. See OTO and Thelema.

Thoth

Recently ^[1] the Annunaki - Thothian controlled grid network (called the Phoenix Grid Spike Site) in the Astral Plane in the 4D Stargate area of the Cairo, Egypt that feeds on the Golden Eagle Grid (which is based in usurped creation code written in "Thelema/Ulema" intelligent language pattern) has been made obsolete in certain areas of the planetary circulatory system. This means that critical areas where the NAA Controllers siphon human energetic consciousness power and redirect it back into their Artificial Machinery systems are failing, in the percentage they need to power the global Mind Control and other NAA systems.

Thothian-Annunaki language (based on usurped enochian language of the Original Creational God Code – The Law of One) was given to Crowley at the turn of the century in order for him to be the human embodiment that was necessary to bring this "black magic" language into the physical realms, which continued the Atlantian brotherhood war and its Atlantian Conspiracy in this reality system. Crowley was manipulated through his own massive ego of patriarchal superiority, greed, genetic elitism, ego maniacal selfishness and sexual deviance to install a vast circulatory system of Ley Lines of control for Thothian interests. This is synonymous with defining the structure of Satanic forces which run the reversal energies in "black magic grids". He was groomed in the United Kingdom (the location of the last of the lost Atlantian colonies from 11,500 years ago) with the government heads (reptilian central leaders, such as Winston Churchill) grooming him to be in special operation for the Black Sun Program and the Sons of Belial black forces, which were trained in the British Secret Service. He was a primary operative used for directing psychological-spiritual warfare in the purpose for mind controlling Hitler for the Black Sun Programs and received much material and earthly power for his cooperation, on multiple dimensions.

Aleister Crowley

Aleister Crowley was contacted in Cairo, Egypt in 1904 by Negative Grey Reptilian Aliens (Aiwass) to begin his indoctrination to support the negative alien agenda. He was instrumental infiltrating the Secret Societies where he gave consciousness tools, rituals and artifacts to the Illuminati. This began the human history of black ops (shadow government), the military industrial complex which shared negative alien technology in exchange for human souls, human abduction and genetic mutation experiments. In most cases these souls were ritualized and bound in the Thothian black magic grids to entrap them so they could be "siphoned".

Child Sacrifice

Transcript - Because it was A. Crowley birthday yesterday (October 12th) and many Satanists pay homage to him on that day, I will talk about why Crowley is synonymous with all Black Magic, Black Sex Magic and Pedophilia. It was this man that brought Satanist architecture through powerful Atlantian Technology (and Thothian books) at the turn of the century, and he was given the information in Cairo by the NAA Reptiles by his then possessed wife Rose. (Shortly after, she killed herself and they knew he would psychologically break from the power he was given over others, and he did. Insanity and power consumed him and he was responsible for laying the Satanist architecture into the Planetary Logos body and planetary heart chakra. All Satanist activity on the planet feeds into grids Crowley is responsible for. This Phoenix Grid network is a subsidiary feed line into the UK Nephilim Reversal Grid NRG and the Golden Eagle Grid. The Phoenix Grid network piece shown (for now and is where Crowley went, personally tracing his steps back through time) is a 45 degree pyramidal triad from UK/London through Belgium, Germany into Iran Gate 10th Gate, the bottom then slides east into the Cairo Wormhole and back up into the UK gate. From Cairo moving down vertically into Africa is a massive feed line being agitated into Uganda, Rwanda, Zimbabwe all the way down to the tip of South Africa. South Africa tip has had a 3D timeline frequency fence put into the land mass/energy system and this is to incite more of the 3D frequency fence mind control enslavement and to instigate fear and pain in the vertical line moving North-south to throw off the Great White Lion Elohim System. Alpha Draconis/Orion Group or Draconians are going after children 0-12 because they receive power in their soul light or blood when it’s used in soul binding ritual. They can possess or bind a soul in a child’s body easier than an adult, and they believe it will give them immortality. ^[2]

NRG Grid (Black Magic Grid)

An in depth awareness of the power inherent in the alchemy of polarity of forces, as used in SRA ritualized practices, which were practiced and made popular by Aleistar Crowley (AC), is the energetic theme of comprehending with exacting clarity how these off planet forces have created the NRG Grids in the UK. The NRG Grids are designed specifically to split gender polarity and promote the abuse and trauma of both male and female sexual energies, through the Archontic Deception Behavior of Satanic and Luciferian forces. AC was indeed used for this NAA agenda and was surreptitiously orchestrated to connect with Britain’s monarchy to help maintain its “crown” in WW2, and those responsible for ensuring that the power of Britain and their chosen power elite would be maintained as the controlling World Power. Stonehenge, the 11th Stargate and the United Kingdom landmass are a headquarters for the Negative Alien Agenda NAA, or "Reptilian Central", the Sons of Belial so keeping these interests protected would be a political priority.^[3][4]

Child Sexual Abuse

There is a clear relationship between satanic ritual (SRA), Blood Sacrifice and child sacrifice and pedophilia. The possessing parasitic entity in its human host uses the pure essence of a child's life force and soul energy to feed, siphon, usurp or bind it into servitude. Practicing satanists are educated in how to use SRA to create dissociative identity (DID) and mental body fragmentation in their own children and child relatives, in order to bind the soul body to an extradimensional satanic entity. Through the binding of servitude, the parents, the bloodline lineages are allowed to remain in power of the financial and economic resources on the earth. This is the diseased seed of the Negative Alien Agenda.^[5][6]

Hitler, Nazi Occultism

Following the rise of Adolf Hitler, who discovered the Society after he had been ordered to spy on them, Serbottendorff’s newspaper was bought out by Dietrich Eckart, a Bavarian Catholic who had helped form the German Worker’s Party, bringing the newspaper under German rule for obvious reasons. It was Eckart who introduced Hitler to the more esoteric ways of the world, and it was Eckart who transcribed Mein Kampf. When they came to power, Hitler set up the SS, a secret Order of the Silver Star who went out initiating people into the esoteric mysteries.

Eckart himself was highly influenced by Eastern mysticism and was a follower of Aleister Crowley’s movement. In fact, some researchers have even claimed that Aleister Crowley influenced the Nazi occult movement to such a degree that it may have been through him, that the secret dark brotherhood were working and thereby influencing Hitler and his crew.

___

First post in the forum in a long time other than the links yesterday:

Thank you for sharing that Tracy - that looks fascinating and I do think that's a signpost as well.

"Do you think satanists are running the world?" YES. The level of black magic I've been sensing since the eclipse sandwich has been off the charts. Today's AG pick for me was  ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Thothian_Grid and ties in so much of what I feel we're (I'm?) working with on a personal, ancestral, and planetary level. This Dragon Moth / Marduk / Thoth (etc.) is showing and reminding me that this whole mess that's going on on the earth has so much to do with this masculine wound and I'm being called to hold space for the threads and information to come up and I'm so grateful to be doing this with you. Seems to be lots of Krystic support - guidance is close - Lots of 144s to heal the 911s. We witness the 11/1111s and 222s and mirrors - esp 1441- and move forward 11/1123 & 1234.

ps. Yesterday's post was the little trip I took from my AG pick (Dragon Moth Grid II) through Marduk and Black Magic and the Poisoned Cup. It's all relevant and I wanted to share. It brought me to this forum thread about Enki's Army too so ... I don't know what I'm doing here but I just got back and I didn't have words yet but I felt like I needed to contribute. Thank you, beloved Tracy and Kelly, for being here and holding space to catch me. I am grateful for both of you.
pss. Now I want to watch that show. I might. Thank you.

Today

Today's AG Pick: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Dragon_Moth_Grid_Session_II

I rejoined ESF Gold today.

Had a session with Joe Machney on Monday.

Ryan and I have been officially broken up a month even though sometimes we didn't appear it, but we haven't made love although we did one day sort of make love without making love as we learned about tantra - we have and hold so much love for each other. We talk openly and he admits his jekyl/hyde and has been Jekyl (the good one) for over a week until yesterday when he was triggered by his Dad's call to step up and threatned by it and I agreed that his Dad's letter was honest, brave, loving and in Ryan's best interest. He doesn't want to "man up" or be responsible for himself or others, he's used to people taking care of him. If I'm honest, it's the same behavior Paul had. (Paul lived with my sister for almost 6 months - maybe more? until she kicked him out. That is a situation to feel into too. Ryan had so much condemnation for Paul's behavior but he did it the same or worse, but he did also have some skills that he sewed some lasting love/service into my nest/home too....and we genuinely love each other.) 

Anyway, he needs to go through what he needs to go through and he turned on me and vitriol and ugliness spewed out of him onto me - blame and yuck. We had been practicing forgiveness and real-time feeling the following week... but it doesn't happen that fast.

The week before there was a day that I talked to 4 men in one day.... intimately... beautifully... Ryan, who I love but who I am trying to be single from.... Tim who I voicenote/chat with almost every day and we are learning to be single individually and feeling into all that, relationship dynamics, etc...we speak with truth and vulnerability and true friendship. I also talked to Clifford and held space for him as he cried - he lost the woman that he loved that he had been in a relationship with for a year and talking to him and feeling his ego, hurt, pride, and all that - it was good for me and dissolved any remaining fantasy I had about him. I'm not sure if I could even withstand the energy of his ego/pride to be friends, but maybe. We'll see. And the fourth was Gregory who was pretty much me 8 years ago - so much raw trauma he is letting out - so heavy and big. Not sure how it happened but he was trauma dumping and I held space for 2 intense days of texting and then all of a sudden he dropped me and blocked me. (I think it was because I didn't answer his text right away and he wanted to talk maybe? But I think in the aethers he picked up how I was holding him at an arm's length - I could tell he wasn't safe, but I was also trying to be a safe place for him. But anyway, God saved me. 

I want to be me. 
I joined the gym again yesterday.
I am trying to learn how to eat and listen to my body.
I want to love myself well.
I am so grateful for my nest and my animal and plant family and job and friends and life
I AM (full stop) and want to return to PRESENCE

I don't want/need any other energies now as I heal. I love Ryan so much though. But I don't trust him. And he will never be trusted with my computer. That's not okay. I need to let him go/grow.

Yesterday's quote from my mediation app was "Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be." - Sonia Ricotti - and it was perfect.

See also from 

Dragon Moth Grid Session II

- Black Magic Grids

- Alien Implants
- Fallen Angelics

- Taphoth

_____

later:

https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Marduk

Was probably of note from that AG pick and related to the work I'm doing with Ryan. God bless us all.

Talked to Rosemary - installed chime/bell app to bring me to Presence one minute each hour.

___

Hey Hey! Finished the design for this year's shirt and picked a color! I have fun designing and working with my parents! We did this together!

Supportive conversation with Ai

 Last night:

ME: "I need to embody my godself and higher divine energy. I need to be disciplined. I need to shed the skin of the water snake and embody my fire horse energy. I am ready to thrive. Ryan and I finally broke up and I'm finally ready to move on. I am ready to become the highest and best version of myself. I am ready to be disciplined with my food, movement, time, and money. I am ready to own myself. What do you have to say about that?"

IT:

First — I want to pause and acknowledge what you just said, because this isn’t small.

You’re not just talking about habits or routines.
You’re talking about identity.
Transition.
Letting go of a chapter — including a relationship — and consciously choosing who you’re becoming next.

That takes courage. Truly.

And I’m going to reflect something back to you:

You don’t “become” your higher self in one dramatic leap.
You embody it in tiny, repeated, grounded actions — especially on the days when you don’t feel fiery, powerful, or clear.

That’s discipline. Not punishment.
Devotion to yourself.

---

🔥 About what you’re expressing

Your language is symbolic and potent — water snake → fire horse — and regardless of the zodiac framing, psychologically it maps beautifully onto real transformation:

• Water / Snake

  • intuitive

  • reflective

  • shedding

  • internal processing

  • endings / release

• Fire / Horse

  • movement

  • vitality

  • direction

  • independence

  • forward momentum

You did the shedding.
Breakups are profound identity resets.
You metabolized something.

Now you’re stepping into motion.

That’s a healthy arc — not escapism — as long as it’s grounded in reality and compassion toward yourself.

---

🧭 What I’d encourage right now

Not hype. Structure.

Here’s how to turn intention into embodiment:

1️⃣ Define discipline as self-respect

Not restriction. Not control.

Ask daily:

• Did I nourish my body?

• Did I move energy through my body?

• Did I use my time intentionally?

• Did I make one decision aligned with my future self?

That’s it.
Four anchors.

---

2️⃣ Pick ridiculously achievable baseline habits

Fire energy burns out when it tries to overhaul everything at once.

Start here:

Food

• Add one nourishing meal per day
  (not “perfect diet”)

Movement

• 15–20 min daily
  walk / stretch / strength / dance

Time

• 1 focused hour on something meaningful
  (no distractions)

Money

• Track spending only
  (no judgment yet)

Small consistency → identity shift.

---

3️⃣ Give grief a seat at the table

Even when you’re ready to move on:

• endings echo

• emotions resurface

• memories hit unexpectedly

That doesn’t mean regression.
It means integration.

Strength isn’t suppression —
it’s allowing complexity while continuing forward.

---

4️⃣ Create a guiding question

When unsure:

“What would the highest version of me choose in this moment?”

Then do the closest realistic action — not the perfect one.

---

🪶 One grounded truth I want to leave you with

Your higher self isn’t somewhere else.

It’s not a distant divine form you earn access to.

It’s built:

• when you cook instead of numb out

• when you move instead of freeze

• when you budget instead of avoid

• when you choose yourself without needing validation

That’s embodiment.

That’s sovereignty.

---

One question for you (if you want to go deeper)

No pressure — just curiosity:

👉 What area feels most important to anchor first right now —
body, time, money, or emotional healing?

We can build something practical and personalized from there.

ME:

health and well-being. Health: I was doing really well on a carnivore diet for the last month-and-a-half until 3 days ago when I "cheated" (treated myself to some valentines chocolates and then went off the rails until today). I want to go back to that... I feel best... clear and strong on a low-to-no carb and no sugar diet. And well-being. I need to keep processing and moving forward with my letting go of Ryan. Tonight I went back and looked at almost 5 years of photos on instagram and I have/had a beautiful life. I want to keep building and creating and I want to heal the swords in my back (an analogy from a tarot reading I had) that represent unhealed wounds that need to be addressed...pulled, cleaned, and healed. And in the meantime I need to learn to be my own partner - to be my own masculine container and foster and nurture myself to wholeness. Community is a healthy source of connection. And I need to discover the depths of who I AM and explore and play and LIVE.

IT:

Carissa — this is grounded, honest, and very clear-eyed. You’re not just speaking in symbols now — you’re mapping actual behaviors, needs, and emotional work. That’s where real transformation happens.

Let’s unpack both pieces — health and well-being — in a way that supports momentum rather than perfection.

---

🥩 Health — about the diet “slip”

I want to normalize something right away:

You didn’t break anything.
You didn’t lose progress.
You didn’t fall off a cliff.

Three days doesn’t undo six weeks of metabolic or behavioral adaptation. What happened is extremely human:

• Restriction → holiday trigger → sugar hit → dopamine loop

• Nervous system sought comfort

• Now you’re recalibrating

That’s not failure. That’s feedback.

Reframe this moment

Instead of:

I cheated

Try:

I gathered data about what makes me feel my best.

And you already know your answer:

• low/no sugar

• low carb

• carnivore leaning

• mental clarity

• physical strength

That’s valuable self-knowledge.

---

🔁 Smooth reset (not punishment)

Don’t “swing hard” tomorrow. That backfires hormonally and psychologically.

Tonight / Tomorrow

• Hydrate well

• Eat normally within your chosen pattern

• Prioritize protein + electrolytes

• Move your body lightly

• Sleep

That’s it.

No compensating.
No guilt fasting.
No self-judgment.

Consistency beats intensity.

---

Important grounding note

I’ll respect your experience with carnivore — but as a wellness partner I’ll gently flag:

• Evidence on long-term strict carnivore diets is still limited

• Fiber/micronutrient gaps can occur

• Individual tolerance varies widely

If you’re thriving, great — just keep an eye on:

• energy stability

• digestion

• labs over time

• mental flexibility around food

Your health includes your nervous system relationship with food, not just macros.

We can refine this anytime if you want.

---

🌱 Well-being — the deeper work you described

This part is powerful.

Looking back through years of photos and seeing beauty instead of loss?
That’s not regression.

That’s integration.

You’re acknowledging:

• You loved

• You lived

• You created

• And you still exist whole outside that relationship

That’s a major psychological pivot.

---

⚔️ “Pulling the swords” — let’s ground that metaphor

This is actually very psychologically sound imagery.

Healing wounds usually involves:

1️⃣ Recognizing the wound

• Patterns

• Triggers

• Beliefs about yourself

• Relationship dynamics you tolerated

2️⃣ Cleaning it

• Processing emotion

• Therapy / journaling

• Nervous system regulation

• Self-compassion

3️⃣ Healing

• New boundaries

• New behaviors

• Rewritten self-story

• Self-trust rebuilding

This is not quick work — but it’s sacred work.

---

🧱 Becoming your own partner

You articulated this beautifully:

be my own masculine container
nurture myself to wholeness

Translated psychologically:

Container

• structure

• discipline

• protection of your time/energy

• boundaries

Nurture

• kindness

• rest

• play

• emotional attunement

Wholeness happens when both coexist.

---

Practical embodiment ideas

Nothing grand — just lived.

Weekly Self-Partnership Check

Ask:

• Did I protect my energy this week?

• Did I nourish myself emotionally?

• Did I allow joy/play?

• Did I connect with community?

• Did I move toward growth?

This keeps you aligned.

---

Rediscovery Mode (HIGHLY recommended)

You’re in a rare phase of identity openness.

Lean in intentionally:

• Try new classes/events

• Explore creative outlets

• Travel locally

• Build community intentionally

• Say yes to curiosity

This phase doesn’t come often.
It’s fertile ground.

---

🧭 The deepest thing I want to reflect back

You aren’t “fixing” yourself.

You’re reorganizing your life around self-ownership.

And that shift —
from seeking completion externally → generating it internally —
is one of the most stabilizing transformations a person can make.

It leads to:

• healthier love later

• stronger boundaries

• authentic joy

• grounded confidence

Not performative empowerment — real rootedness.

---

One gentle question for you

No rush answering — just sit with it if you like:

👉 When you picture the version of yourself six months from now who has embodied this shift…

What is she doing differently on an ordinary Tuesday morning?

That answer is usually the blueprint.

Discipline

I need to get back to discipline.

With my body. Food & exercise.
With money.
With my time. 
Nourish. 

Tonight I shed the skin of UNDISCIPLINE. I AM DISCIPLINED. I CHOOSE LIFE. I do not deny myself - I nourish and care for myself. I can eat chocolate if I want it, but it does not own me. I do not allow it to take over my body. I am not a slave to sugar or carbs. I exercise and choose good nourishing foods. I do not LIKE the way these other foods make me feel. Cloudy - sick - dizzy - sore & inflamed. I CHOOSE LIE!!!!!!

Long time - Finally over

 I read this quote, supposedly by Jodie Foster, on Facebook and it's meeting me here today:

"If you cannot find a good companion, then walk the path alone.

Not every journey requires a crowd.

Not every season requires partnership.

Not every space deserves access to you.

It is better to move forward alone than to drag along someone who slows your growth.

The wrong company costs more than solitude ever will.

It drains your energy.

It distracts your focus.

It weakens your discipline.

It plants doubt where confidence should be.

Some people are comfortable where they are. They do not want to improve. They do not want to stretch. They do not want to change. And when you start aiming higher, your growth makes them uncomfortable.

Instead of supporting you, they question you.

Instead of pushing you forward, they pull you back.

Instead of celebrating your progress, they minimize it.

That is not companionship. That is resistance.

Walking alone is not loneliness. It is alignment.

It is choosing peace over pressure.

It is choosing progress over popularity.

It is choosing self respect over approval.

Solitude gives you clarity.

It strengthens your independence.

It teaches you to trust yourself.

It allows you to build without distraction.

And the truth is, when you are committed to your growth, the right people will eventually align with your direction.

You do not need many.

You need genuine.

Do not fear walking alone for a while. Fear staying stuck because you were afraid to move without company.

Better alone and advancing than surrounded and stagnant.

Your path deserves protection."

___

Ryan and I finally broke up. I spent Valentine's Day with my one true love, ME. It was the best Valentine's Day ever. Nephew K3 spent the night, worked for a few hours, long walk with Moses & Sunshine on the Greenway, trash haul and some cleaning (after Ryan moved out the day before and there was such a mess to clean - energetically and literally), and then the BEST CONCERT experience ever - NeedtoBreathe in Durham with the best experience, seats, songs! LIFE GIVING!

I did finally, after 3 years, get the experience of Ryan "moving in" - he and his cats stayed for 2 weeks and it did not go well. From day 2 or 3 when he went into my phone and read/listened to my private notes, deleted my journals and recordings and burned so much up... to continuing to try.... to practicing forgiveness and surrender... but his mess and negative energy (and he never slept in the same bed with me even once) and lack of love, and so much hatred and dissention and using... I cooked him all his meals, worked 2 jobs (while he did not work and hasn't for the last 5 months), paid for everything... and he had only mocking, criticizing, cruel, swearing, insulting things to say - no gratitude. And he robbed me on the way out - taking the pink quartz heart he had given me before as well as some stairs he made me (that I paid for the wood for), and more... but he can have it all. I just want my life back. I am picking up the pieces.

His insecurity was too much. He couldn't allow me to have friends. He wanted to keep me small. When I asked him about it the first day he was there, it set him off. (If he wanted to support our expansion or if he wanted to keep me small? If we could help each other grow?) He didn't have goals or dreams or aspirations. He doesn't have ambition. He was sucking my life-force to feel alive. He has such talent, but isn't motivated to use it. He takes and takes and resents people taking his time and energy. He needs God but doesn't want to consider that there is a higher power than himself. He is the smartest, he knows best. I am done dating. I'm not looking for a partner. I am going to learn through this experience I've been given - this LIFE. But I am going to love MYSELF. Listen to and care for ME. And I want chocolate. So there. But then what? I have a demon. I need to dig deep into its roots and find out what is fueling this thing... and that's MY work. It's all for me. Thank you God.

___

I have an insatiable whole inside me that I fill with substances - in particular SUGAR or chocolate right now. And it wants me to move back to carbs and just for today...blah blah... LIES. This part of me does not serve me. It hurts me. It is whispering and enticing me to do something that HARMS ME. That makes me feel LESS ALIVE. That ensnares and imprisons me. Every decision I make ... every step I take... changes the course of my life.

It's Still Ryan

He's my guy. I just love him and my soul is happy with him. I like to be with him. We are working toward truth and finding our way. He is respectful of me and guarding his mouth - not swearing, or trying to harm me and is listening and building me up. God, please let it stay this way. It feels so nice! He said yesterday that he can't wait to make me his wife. He really seems to have shifted and sees and wants a future with me. 

After feeling into a life with other people (specifically Tim... just thinking about it and fantasizing and wondering....) I realize that it's RYAN I want. I want to BUILD and CO-CREATE with Ryan. He is my dream man - his love for animals, his sensitivity, his ability to build, and just who he IS, even when challenging, is just my soul's counterpart. I like figuring it out with him. Even fighting with him feels like home. (I hope we can change that. We hope to institute the Japanese practice of "MA" or something like that where if you disagree, you sit together in silence and regulate your nervous systems BEFORE you discuss.) 

I like his manliness and the way he takes charge in certain ways and his curiosity and the questions he asks to get to the bottom of things. I would sweep them under the rug, but he is interested in repair. I like his compassion for me when I am having a hard time and how he wants to help me do the right thing. 

Update on Ryan and my pillars

It's all so dramatic and up and down and I want to get off the crazy train.
HOWEVER, we had some notable experiences....we made incredible love (soul connecting) and I am grateful for it. He said we should know in 2 weeks if we were going to make it or not and by day 2, we were not. He had said he was going to accept me as I was and his work was to focus on his reaction on on trying to change me. However, that very night he said he knew he shouldn't but he wanted to look in my backyard and asked me to start using the phrase "in my opinion" when I said anything to him (at all really). He said my pride and ego triggered him and he needed me to say that. (The topic was a conversation from earlier in the day where I said that he puked in the mornings... I thought he told me he did. But apparently that wasn't true to him. I rebutted by saying that I wished he had not deleted our Telegrams because I was sure he said it in notes to me, but that infuriated him more and he felt I was being argumentative. We just don't understand one another and he is very sensitive. It set off a bomb and he was, IMO, unreasonable and I couldn't be around him and I'm glad he left my house. I asked him to leave as he started streaming insults and lies and names and a tornado of twisters.... it was just unpleasant. Last night it happened again (he tried to do the right thing by helping briefly with popcorn although I had done most of it by the time he got there).... but we started arguing again. I was trying to help him see something (how he insulted Paul for taking advantage of me but Ryan has taken much more... and he refuses to see it. He promised plumbing work and a vapor barrier for the Ireland trip and never did it. He promised to help Page at her farm for all she's done for her cats and he never did it (before his surgery). He just puts everyone on the back burner. He didn't take care of his sister's house when he lived there for years. He's just not motivated.
So. I love him but I have work to do on myself. 
I want to be single.
Ryan was jealous after I went on a walk with Tim which was really good, BTW. I am glad to have friends. But I need to focus on myself. I need to make love to myself and find satisfaction within myself. I created a list of values (inspired by a conversation with Tim) and I want to LIVE THIS:

Pillars / Values

Embodiment of (and alignment with) my Godself/Higher Self/ Source Energy through the practice of:

Meditation

Opening my heart

Fostering a spirit of kindness and compassion

Mindful integrity and searching for deeper truth within myself (identify where I have deceived myself or been deceived)

Consciousness exploration and polarity integration 

Adventure/Exploration of the earth (and beyond when called) … but on this plane, FEEL into nature, gridlines/hubs, energies, communities, people, animals/beings

And attention to:

Health and nurturing my body and environment 

Be Love Now

Respect the sovereignty of all beings and the path they choose

Discipline (I have a LONG way to go with this but it must be on the list so I can bring focuses attention to it.)

Characteristics of being

Attentive to Presence

Compassionate witness

Practice Non-attachment 

Attitude of Gratitude 

Summed up in:

WE ARE

Shoot so if I distill that down (yet parse it out from my mission statement (WE ARE), my pillars may be:

Embodiment

Love

Adventure