HOWEVER, we had some notable experiences....we made incredible love (soul connecting) and I am grateful for it. He said we should know in 2 weeks if we were going to make it or not and by day 2, we were not. He had said he was going to accept me as I was and his work was to focus on his reaction on on trying to change me. However, that very night he said he knew he shouldn't but he wanted to look in my backyard and asked me to start using the phrase "in my opinion" when I said anything to him (at all really). He said my pride and ego triggered him and he needed me to say that. (The topic was a conversation from earlier in the day where I said that he puked in the mornings... I thought he told me he did. But apparently that wasn't true to him. I rebutted by saying that I wished he had not deleted our Telegrams because I was sure he said it in notes to me, but that infuriated him more and he felt I was being argumentative. We just don't understand one another and he is very sensitive. It set off a bomb and he was, IMO, unreasonable and I couldn't be around him and I'm glad he left my house. I asked him to leave as he started streaming insults and lies and names and a tornado of twisters.... it was just unpleasant. Last night it happened again (he tried to do the right thing by helping briefly with popcorn although I had done most of it by the time he got there).... but we started arguing again. I was trying to help him see something (how he insulted Paul for taking advantage of me but Ryan has taken much more... and he refuses to see it. He promised plumbing work and a vapor barrier for the Ireland trip and never did it. He promised to help Page at her farm for all she's done for her cats and he never did it (before his surgery). He just puts everyone on the back burner. He didn't take care of his sister's house when he lived there for years. He's just not motivated.
So. I love him but I have work to do on myself.
I want to be single.
Ryan was jealous after I went on a walk with Tim which was really good, BTW. I am glad to have friends. But I need to focus on myself. I need to make love to myself and find satisfaction within myself. I created a list of values (inspired by a conversation with Tim) and I want to LIVE THIS:
Pillars / Values
Embodiment of (and alignment with) my Godself/Higher Self/ Source Energy through the practice of:
Meditation
Opening my heart
Fostering a spirit of kindness and compassion
Mindful integrity and searching for deeper truth within myself (identify where I have deceived myself or been deceived)
Consciousness exploration and polarity integration
Adventure/Exploration of the earth (and beyond when called) … but on this plane, FEEL into nature, gridlines/hubs, energies, communities, people, animals/beings
And attention to:
Health and nurturing my body and environment
Be Love Now
Respect the sovereignty of all beings and the path they choose
Discipline (I have a LONG way to go with this but it must be on the list so I can bring focuses attention to it.)
Characteristics of being
Attentive to Presence
Compassionate witness
Practice Non-attachment
Attitude of Gratitude
Summed up in:
WE ARE
Shoot so if I distill that down (yet parse it out from my mission statement (WE ARE), my pillars may be:
Embodiment
Love
Adventure
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