Saved

I'm FILLED with FEAR. I'm a fear-head. I'm fear-full. I'm scared of EVERYTHING!!

... or at least I was. I'm changing. I feel the change. It's pretty awesome, if I do say so myself... BUT... now...today...I'm scared of not changing. I'm scared to stagnate. I'm scared to get pulled back into my own world. I don't really trust my world anymore. I'm not digging the fact that I'm not living in the "on-cloud-9-in-the-Spirit" mindset right now. It's been almost a week since that dissipated (the feeling of not having anything else except my desire to live as the Holy Spirit prompts.)

I've lived with my head in the clouds for almost 3 months... a solid 2 anyway... and it feels weird to be back here on earth. My friend Le'Anna told me that it is probably because it is a new phase in my relationship with God. I was in the "new love" stage of my relationship (where everything revolves around Him and my love for Him. All I wanted to do was to seek Him and know Him and be with Him). Now, she says, our relationship is maturing. I guess that's true...but I miss how it was. Oswald Chambers reminded me today that "We cannot stay on the mount of transfiguration, but we must obey the light we received there; we must act it out."

[stomps foot]

But I WANT to stay on the mount!!! I WANT to stay on the mount!! There MUST be a way!!! Oh- but "not my will be done" comes to mind. That's a verse too. It's weird the way my mind now thinks in scripture. I LOVE that too! I want to know more scripture - did I tell you that I had this experience a few weeks ago where I can (for the first time in my life) READ the Bible!!!??? I mean- I read it before. I read it a lot... ok... not a lot. I tried to read it like a book and got stuck.... but I've read/referenced/studied it a bit in Bible study classes and church and small group for many years. -- however -- NOW I see it anew... now it truly is the "LIVING WORD"... it speaks to me. Like a child who hasn't eaten for days - I inhale the scriptures - feeling their nourishment strengthening me!

EEP!! Let me tell you THIS!!! I just thought of it. THIS is HUGE!!!! I might have JUST BEEN SAVED?!!! Can you believe that?? I can't - but I do. So, here's the story --> I was totally a Christian (or so I thought) since AT LEAST 2005. I "accepted (let's discuss this word= "accepted" at some point... not now... that would be WAAAY off base- but someday- let's talk about it!) Christ as my Lord and Savior" in 1990 when I was 12 or 13 with my friend in middle school- I got baptized and the whole nine... but when we moved away a few months later, I never went back to church until 2005 (it might have been 2004- but I think it was '05) - aaaaanywayyyyy - THEN I was re-baptized with my husband (we renewed our vows in the baptismal because we were originally married by a Justice of the Peace). So for the next 5 years I've been living a life as a "Christian"... but honestly... the "fruits of the Spirit" = NOT THERE. I didn't really think anything of it until now... now when I DEFINITELY have the Spirit living in me- now the fruits are SO evident to me - I think differently now. My whole DNA seems to have changed. It's pretty crazyamazingawesome, if I do say so myself!

I hesitate about posting this. What if by saying this, I deter someone? What if I take away their thoughts that they have been saved? One of my teachers made it very evident that we shouldn't discourage people by speaking about God in a way that would make others think they aren't saved... no. That's not really how it went down. It went down like this. The discussion was about Matthew 7:13-14 - the broad gate and the narrow gate to God's Kingdom (heaven?).  14 says "But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." The conversation was about how the road is "difficult" and whether that was true in our lives. Some people thought that the road WASN'T difficult because Jesus makes it easy... because if you surrender to Him...if your life is truly His- he makes your "struggles" easy. I thought of Matt 11:28-30  Then Jesus said, "Come to me all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.") - I believe this. But our teacher wanted us to think about/know that it is NOT EASY to follow Jesus. You have to give up much... and it's true. Your life is not your own anymore... BUT (and here's a big BUT)... to me, it was a nonissue... mostly because God did all the work in me for me.

What am I talking about? I just go OFF, don't I? Yeah- that's ok. It's entertaining to me. This post is so long that I will probably be the only one who ever reads it- but that's ok too! :)

Ah- I was just saying... I think that I was JUST saved. I think that the Holy Spirit came into me THIS year- on January 2. Craziness... (note, I thought the date was the 4th, but I looked at a calendar and it was the New Year's Saturday night Journey Church service that this happened at and the first Saturday of January was the 2nd). Anyway, judging by my pastor's illustration of what happened to HIM when the Spirit came into him (he told us about it this past weekend. He mentioned the snot- maaaan- there was so much snot and tears that came out of me that day! ha!)- and judging by the experience that I had (powerful, life changing, rocked-to-the-core) and how my life was completely changed from that point - I am pretty sure that I wasn't saved before. Honestly- I feel some shame about this. I almost feel like a liar- all those years that I said I was saved... what a poor example of a Christian I was. Let me comfort myself for a minute though- Carissa, you didn't know. BUT NOW I KNOW!! :)

God has just done such incredible things with my life. In these few short months He has given me friends/community, a purpose (to serve Him in all that I do- my purpose is to continually set myself aside and live a life of love, by faith- being in tune with the Spirit's prompt in my heart), and love (yes, God's love.... and that is ENOUGH. However, He has also filled me with love for my husband - but I have to see how His plan is fulfilled in that. (with hope and faith)).

Well- this has been a hodge podge of blog thoughts. Believe it or not- I deleted some ramblings too! Ha! :) I guess it just comes back to this-

I am whole. I am whole because God is in me.