Shakin' in my boots

[shakin' in my boots]

I'm SO filled with fear. I am filled with worry. I am filled with death. I am filled with stress. I am filled with to do lists. I am filled with self loathing. I am filled with angst. I am overwhelmed with things that don't matter.

Hm. Ironic timing -->  I'm listening to a Jars of Clay song right now that is a remake of an old hymn called "It is well with soul".... BUT ... it is NOT well with my soul. I am SO far away from being "well with my soul"!!! Argh! I know why too- It's because I am filled to the brim with so many self-centered emotions. It's because I am NOT filled with the [lovepeacejoy of the] Spirit.

It's my fault. I know it.

I have so many other things that I'm focusing on that I'm not putting my attention and focus on God.

I'm praying, I guess. I mean, I'm praying for others as God brings them to my mind (or if a circumstance warrants it)... but I'm not praying with an earnest longing for - yearning for - desperation for - knowing God more intimately. I'm not praying for Him to dig deep into my soul and to change me. I'm not praying for it to be well with my soul.

I'm also not reading the Bible the way I should. Maaan, there was a [flash of] time where I couldn't get enough of the Bible- I was ravenous!!! It was an amazing portal to a deeper relationship with God - "a beam-me-up-Scotty" way for God to speak directly into my heart and soul- and now I'm not feelin' it. I don't feel it. I don't feel it because I'm not taking action with a right heart- I'm not reading the Bible except to read it... it's not driven by God inspired passion anymore, but rather a sense of  responsibility.... and that does not move me.

I've never loved doing things that I HAVE to do - instead, I make my mind up to WANT to do them. If there is a yucky job that I am not looking forward to (work, chores, etc.), I find a way to trick myself into thinking that it's fun! I make the most of my circumstances - usually -  but I guess I have gotten away from that lately. I'm living more reactionary than creationary (<-- not a real concept, I know.:)) I've shifted to a place where I take things as they come instead of determining my own outcome and making it happen. I guess I think that is good... Is that good?? I don't want to control my circumstances anymore because I want God to control them. I want to be surrendered fully. I want my desires and plans to be swept away and to be left with a soul that is well with the Lord- I want to live as God intended... by the prompting of the Spirit and the example of Jesus.

I'll stand with arms held high and heart abandoned for the One who gave it all!!... All I am is Yours!....What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart of mine, completely to you? ~The Stand (listening to the Journey version right now)

I must be overwhelmed by God. How do I do that? I don't. I surrender. I lay it all down - I stop trying to hold onto everything myself. I prioritize God. I prioritize my time with God.

WHOA! Breakthrough!! TWICE today I was saying how important it is to spend time with your family... how one-on-one time is the sweetest! I told my family how I had great memories of when it was just my grandfather and I- when just the two of us would hang out- how that was so meaningful and memorable to me. Then I was telling my friend Vanessa how it would be a wonderful birthday gift for her to take her 15 year old son shopping- just the two of them (and that she should leave her 3 year old home so she wasn't distracted and could give her full attention to the birthday boy). WOW!! All that great thought/advice was really for ME! ...because I need to take time to just be with my Father... just Him'n I!!

I feel fearful because I've wandered away from the protection of my Father. I've wandered too far away. I'm such a dumb little sheep- baaaah! baaaah!! haha!! I crack myself up! I just pictured myself looking like a sheep... with curly white hair and four hoofed legs and everything!!... I'm just walking away from the light...walking toward the broken fence and dark trees... with every step that I take away from the Shepherd- He who loves and cares for and protects me... with every step, anxiety creeps up and in.

***

BTW- are you LOVING Josh Via's The First, The Last? I am! I can't get enough of it!

***

Ok. To work. DO something with this knowledge Carissa. Don't just look at it. Don't just say it. Do something as a result of it.

<3