Swallowed a Camel

Mat 23:24  Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel. 

The above verse was just on my heart. Conviction of some sort. Lord, grant me understanding... show me the error of my ways....grant me REPENTANCE. I am such a Pharisee. :(

While we are talking about it- what's with the camel references? Let's look at them...a little study on camels at 11:15pm never hurt anyone.... :)

Camels are "unclean" to eat...or they were...nothing is unclean anymore except to those who believe it to be unclean...to them it IS unclean...there is scripture that goes along with that, but I'm digressing... back to the scripture at hand:

Lev 11:4  Nevertheless these shall ye not eat of them that chew the cud, or of them that divide the hoof: as the camel, because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof; he is unclean unto you.

John the Baptist's clothes were made of camel hair:

Mat 3:4  And the same John had his raiment of camel's hair, and a leathern girdle about his loins; and his meat was locusts and wild honey. 

This one kills me because I am still rich (I'm throwing down all three versions from each of the gospels (except John which doesn't mention camels:)):

Mat 19:24  And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. 
Mar 10:25  It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Luk 18:25  For it is easier for a camel to go through a needle's eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

Africa-bound?

Am I Africa-bound? I don't know. I think so... here's the email I sent to Sayre yesterday...

Please pray and tell me what you see in regards to me going to serve in an orphanage in Mutai, Uganda for 3 months this fall. I believe God has been knocking on my heart about it and today I was given the opportunity to live there and manage the orphanage at no cost to me (except getting over there). 

Mutai is where the church I worshipped in is and where my translator/pastor is from.

"hints"= In the past week and a half I have had:
*1 letter in the mail with a random insert about Africa
*1 person say "and we have starving kids in Africa" to me (out of no where- I had to say "WHAT DID YOU SAY???" because it freaked me out and felt very Godbreathed).
*1 random email from a youth leader in Uganda asking me what was up
*1 random email from someone I've never heard of in Uganda introducing himself to me
*A non-Christian with an amazing heart offer to care for Rue if I went to Africa
*An experience during corporate worship where we were asked what God was telling us to do that we weren't doing and I thought "go to Africa"
*Offered a place to live for free and work in the orphanage that I SHOULD have helped during its founding (I was supposed to be there earlier this year and didn't go for who knows what reason (Satan?)!! I can't even remember- it's terrible. Obviously NOT a great excuse.
*I had a group of people in my church pray over me for direction a week and a half ago and all this has happened since then.

Not to mention the fact that a couple weeks ago I began knowing that my time here was coming to an end, but was waiting on God's revelation for my next step (job, etc.).

Crazytimes, I know.
This would only be a 3 month deal- I've been here over 3 months now, so it will fly.

I'm asking you because I know you will pray in the Spirit (and not worry / contemplate pros and cons in the flesh). Please pray and let me know your thoughts.
And DOUBLE PLEASE let me know if there's anything I can help pray for you about.
Thanks Sayre. I love you.

<3

There is much "moving" drama going on.
Le'Anna is being a tyrant to my sister (she was going to kick her to the curb last week because her son left toys in the living room)... she has already chased out one roommate. It's not good. Today she told me that I couldn't come back to my OWN house for 2-3 weeks between Pittsburgh and Africa.... nuts.

I'm still a pharisee. I see myself expecting people to think something of me when I say that I am going to go work at an orphanage in Africa. I want them to think I'm good.

I'm not good.
I'm bad.
Despicable and bad.

But God.

GOD is GOOD... INCREDIBLE and GOOD!
He somehow LOVES me and has given me such grace and blessing and allows me to know and love Him.... and God, PLEASE transform me- help me to love you MORE... take away my stony heart and give me a new heart...a new wineskin. Teach me who you are so that I can worship you in spirit and in truth!

Father, you are AMAZING! Thank you for my students here. Thank you for Tyrone- I pray (if I may) that he will send me another letter and that I didn't scare him off. I pray for you to teach us both who you are- deeply- help us to drink of You so that we might eat of Jesus flesh and drink of his blood <-- and please teach me what that means.

God, thank you for answering my prayer for direction.
Thank you for answering my prayer for companionship - someone to talk about YOU with  - you've sent Jessicker, Carol, Tyrone, Ed, Patrick, and Sayre.... I am full and immeasurably blessed.

Lord, I pray for discipline. Help me to stop being such a sloth- lazy- not getting up to work out. Not eating well.

God, please light my steps- show me what I should and shouldn't do. Guard my lips. Keep me. Help me to EDIFY the brethren. Help me to speak truth and not lies. Help me not to speak badly of the "cult", but thank you for confirmation that it IS a cult...so much that they do is similar to this website that you pointed me to through a conversation with one of yours, today: http://www.reveal.org/

Okay... it's late...gotta go to bed.
Today Hebrews kicked my butt... STUDY HEBREWS MORE... it explains things clearly!
I also am asking for light on the lion of Judah.

LORD, HELP ME. I'm a despicable mess.
Help me. Rescue me from myself. Place me on a firm foundation. My iniquities no longer control me... I am a slave to righteousness now, NOT sin. What does that MEAN? I must worship in spirit and in truth.... does worshiping cleanse me? Obedience? I must be pure... can I really be pure? Can I be pure in the flesh or is it only by being baptized into Christ because I'm pure when I'm covered by the blood. Drink his blood and eat his flesh?? Tell me more about that. What did I read in Hebrews that made me wonder about that and about the Catholic's transubstantiation.... hm. Can't find it. I might have made it up in my head. :)

Okay. to bed. xo

Angel

Thanks be to God for sending me a real-live angel (messenger) tonight!! It was a gift from God and filled me with His presence as I felt the movement of the Holy Spirit! It was aaaamazing and I can't describe it- but I know it was the Lord comforting me and reminding me that I am not alone and that He is with me.

The angel's name is Dennis. I must pray for Dennis.

After he said "Peace be with me".... it was.

Lord, you amaze me.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit

WHO ARE THEY?
Are they ONE?
WHO is CHRIST?
I am IN Christ?
I am baptized into Christ?
Jesus is the second Adam?
IS he Adam reincarnated?
Who is the Father? Abraham?
God the Father?
Is Abraham God?
Is the Holy Spirit God's Spirit?
Is the Holy Spirit the breath of God?
Comforter... Teacher... Counselor.
Jesus is in the Father and we are in Jesus and He is in us (John 14:20, I think)... I think about this a lot.
Then there is the Spirit of Christ, right?
(I'm just ranting all this... not being careful... just getting some of my questions out of my head.)

Did Christ sin? If Jesus was Adam then ADAM definitely sinned...and then, what? Did Jesus have to come back and live a clean life to atone for Adam's sins? By doing that did he make us holy and justified in the sight of God. Our sins were erased because by the OT law, there was a blood sacrifice that covered them (assuming our sin is the result of Adam's sin). So even though we are still in sinful bodies, our sin no longer exists if we are in Christ because Adam's sins were atoned for by Jesus who IS Adam who IS the Christ who is the Son of God?

Ack!
Abraham.
The Father. Isaac was his Son. Jesus was the seed of Abraham though, right? (Gal 3:16, I think.)
Elohyim = plural "gods/magistrates" = Genesis 1. "us"
Ahhhhh!

The Word became flesh. The word= logos= the utterance of God. God SPOKE the world into existence. Spirit (pneuma, psuche, nephesh) all = BREATH.

The Alpha and the Omega

Before Abraham, I AM??? - Jesus  WHAT IS THAT about??

Lord, teach me, but keep me sane... I desire to follow You alone... I desire to give all of me to You... I need not exist but for your glory. God, let me pour myself out so that You might use me as a vessel for your glory. (I just noticed that I asked you to keep me sane... I didn't mean that... if you want to make me insane and it is Your will, I will Your will. Please make me a vessel for honor though- I pray for more grace and that You would save me and wash me clean. I pray that I would be a good example of a Christian... named after Christ... and today I sped and had a bad attitude and I got SOOOO prideful for knowing those easy-to-know verses. God, I'm NOT okay... I'm NOT acceptable in Your sight. Please cleanse me and purify me and make me holy. 

Lord, I desire a human man. I was going to say 'it is a sin to want companionship', but is it? Have you created me this way? It was definitely a sin to get divorced and so this is the consequence of that horrific sin. I'm an adulteress. 

Lord, wash me clean.
Have Your way.
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Teach me to love You and others perfectly.
Amen


p.s. God, thank you for the possible revelation about how Jesus atoned for Adam's sins= freeing us from our sin. Please send confirmation. Amen!

Back in Confusion

Here's an email that I was GOING TO send to my e-friend, Jessicker, who I found through Brother Micah's mesasge board. I didn't send anything other than the first question about whether or not she's going to heaven. I decided to post the rest of it in my blog so you can see where my head is (or isn't) today - Saturday, August 13, 2011.

***

If you die today are you going to heaven?

I don't know how to REST in the Lord (how can I rest if I'm a DEAD girl walking?)!  I am saved by believing...and I believe... I think I believed MORE when I wasn't seeing all the stuff about having to walk in holiness....or maybe I was just more relaxed so I didn't care? I know that my flesh is sinful- I am inherently sinful (selfish, prideful, etc.) but I believe that by walking in the Spirit, God will sanctify me. Does that mean I'm not saved until I'm sanctified??

I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised him from the dead (Rom 10:9).  I also believe God can, by His grace (the divine influence on the heart and its reflection in the life), raise ME from the dead. Isn't that a PROCESS though? So am I saved today or do I need to get to the end of the race and have kept the faith and endured without sinning?

I used to believe that my spirit testified with the Spirit of God that I am His child (Rom 8:16) and that I had the seal of the Holy Spirit on my heart (Eph 1:13-14). But how can that be if I am sinful (in sinful flesh)?

I have been deceived one way or the other. Either I was coddled into false security thinking that by my faith I was [instantly] saved OR I am deceived now into thinking that I am NOT saved until I reach a state of holiness.

Can you help?

BTW, I went to a "megachurch" tonight and it MESSSSSED with me. They were doing baptisms and I allllllmost went up- my heart was pounding and I'm not sure if it was God or an evil one prompting me. (I haven't been baptized since my true "awakening", which I THOUGHT was my "regeneration" in January 2, 2011 and I think that was the actual/true time that I was "saved" and I would LOVE to PROCLAIM it... or as they said "make an outward profession of an inward change".) I didn't have complete peace though so I decided to crack open my Bible and read Jer 4:23a ("...wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved...") and for a second I thought by getting into the big tub I'd "wash my sins" (silly, I know).   --> Anyway, I heard the pastor asking people- "If you died today, do you know where you are going?" and I realized that my answer would no longer line up with what they wanted to hear (or what I would have said before).

I also saw how this place was a shrine unto itself... an abomination to the Lord. They talked about themselves and patted themselves on the back. I think Satan uses those places to get people in there and put them to sleep (spiritual slumber).  On the other hand, I was awakened through a church like that, so I don't know- maybe good DOES come out of there because it makes people think about God and teaches them how to seek Him. What do you think??

I want SO badly to go back to my home and church in NC but I'm prettttttty sure that that was my "Egypt" that God rescued me from, so why am I trying to go back like the Isrealites did? I'm lonely and desire fellowship and growth and I LOVE the praise and worship and my friends who love God (but I think they are following the doctrine/fables of men (2 Tim 4:4, Eph 4:14)).  I'm also scared that the "cult" people were right in saying that what I thought was the Holy Spirit wasn't. I think I DO have the HS guiding me, but I think what I think is the HS is an angel of light that creates feeeeeeeelings. I miss the feeeeeeeelings that I get in my big church. I believe I hear from God and that it brings me closer to the Father's heart but what if that's all hogwash. I'm so messed up.

I want to rest, but I don't want to if I'm walking around dead. This is just too much too fast (I prayed for it- it's my fault- and I keep digging (e-sword) but then I see two different meanings in many scriptures... or deeper meanings that just make me more "head-y" and make me try harder to "figure out" the truth!!!

UGH!

This is a rant. Respond to what you want to/can. Right now I trust you because you seem to be both "in the Spirit" and "in the Word"... that's where I want to be.

Thanks for listening!
Carissa

Fallen from grace

"Christ is become of no effect unto you, whosoever of you are justified by the law; ye are fallen from grace."  Galatians 5:4

I fell from grace.
By the grace of God I am - I believe - back under grace in the Spirit.

If I am under the law, then I am not under grace. I was under the law in the cult. I was trying to EARN my way to heaven by my works- by "killing my flesh/sin nature"... not possible... "are ye so foolish? having begun in the Spirit, are ye now made perfect by the flesh?" Gal 3:3 "...by the works of the law shall no flesh be justified" Gal 2:16.

*In a few minutes I have a phone meeting with "Messenger Micah" (an evangelist (often on college campuses) that I found online- apparently he causes quite the stir) - we talked for a bit on the phone earlier... he is of the "saved people don't sin" camp. I think I'm of that "camp" too.  ..."walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh." Gal 5:16

This weekend has been a primarily GALATIANS weekend. Tomorrow I am meeting with a guy - Brian - who I was e-introduced to through Dom (who Mark warned a few months ago to STAY AWAY from, but I don't trust Mark, so I'm meeting with him). He suggested I read Galatians and he was going to do his research on it too. I have only broken down the first two chapters, but I've listened to it twice, read it in the NLT once, read most of it (piecemeal) in the KJV, and I'll read it again in full tonight in the KJV, AND God gave me a sermon on an important piece of it today at Harry's church! WOW!! God is SOOO awesome. GOD ordained this Galatians weekend- and I have found freedom from the bondage that I put myself in (I became a slave to the law and counted Christ's sacrifice for me for naught- essentially spitting in the face of the one who SAVES. I am saved by FAITH - Abraham was saved by faith. Jesus is Abraham's SEED. (I love Gal 3:16) I am saved by believing that I am saved...looking forward to the day that I will have eternal life. Faith. Hope. Love.)

Anyway... I'm feeling better... glad to be free. I think God will move me soon.
I may go to Dallas for a while to help out Braden and Yas. I may also go to Uganda to volunteer in Veronika's orphanage. I may also go volunteer at the flower shop with Steve. God, YOUR WILL BE DONE!!!!!!

me

Here's a picture of me today:

Here's a picture of me a few months ago:

See what cults do to people???

I shouldn't have listened to Jen to eat all the CRAP.... or should I? She DID help break the SHAME associated with food (though the shame demon wants to come back now)... I need to take control of it - whatever demon it is that fuels this - the food idolatry demon (?) -  but I need GOD through the power of His HOLY SPIRIT to help me!

And for the record, look!! See what I did up there?? I'm blaming JEN for what I did. I KNEW that I shouldn't eat processed foods... I KNOW that God wants me to eat 6 small meals a day of food from the EARTH.... but I, CARISSA, am DISOBEDIENT. I listened to MAN (Jen)... and while I think she had an inkling of some sort of psycho-sabotage me motive buried deep inside her (I'll never prove it, I just sensed it when she kept encouraging me to eat cookies and junk- she KNOWS that's not good. There was something evil there.).... anyway... I think on the surface and as far as she knowingly was concerned, she WAS trying to help me. I just needed to help MYSELF. (Yes You're right. Lord, I forgive Jen. Help me to forget it and take responsibility for my own actions/ rebellion/ disobedience/ idolatry/ desires... I wanted the cookie more than I wanted to be obedient or healthy or please you. God, I believe- HELP MY UNBELIEF!)

I digress (on yet ANOTHER self-centered Carissa rant...even if it DID end up being to God) ... But Carissa, STOP BEING SO STUCK ON YOURSELF!!!!

a-hem.

Also, to be fair, I just snapped that picture of me when I'm sooooo tired and it's late and my hair looks weird (but it IS falling out, so it's NOT healthy). Maaaan. :(

BTW, that nice picture was taken in late April or early May (during my juice fast) - LOOK at how at PEACE I look!! And this [ugly] one was taken today (8/2). Three months... what a difference. wow.


***
LOOK at this Carissa!
STOP BURYING YOUR HEAD in the sand like an OSTRICH!!!!
LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO YOURSELF!!!!

(Hopin' for some godly sorrow to kick in!(2 Cor 7:10)) <-- I am making light of it, but it's nothing to be making light of. This is serious.

Goodnight for real.
<3

I worship another god

I bow down to the god of my belly... I worship food... I worship taste and selfishness and grease and sugar.  

Exodus 20:2  "I am the LORD they God, which have brougth thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage."
Exodus 20:3 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

I'm an idolator in the worst way. I worship food. I worship the experience of eating. I worship the taste. I worship the hatred of myself that fuels me to eat until I'm sick. I worship my self. I am spitting in God's face when I do this.

Tonight I ate a whole Turkish pizza from Ephesus. It might have been a meal for one, but it was too much and I was VERY full but KEPT eating. I couldn't put it down.

I disgust myself. Is it enough to STOP KILLING myself? Is the shame of eating like that in front of other people enough to shame me into repentance? I need some GODLY SORROW!!! God, HELP ME! GRANT ME REPENTANCE!! (2 Cor 7:10)

I have so much to repent of.
God, help me follow You.
My heart is Yours... I exist ONLY for You... help me not to do things for ME... help me to die to myself so that YOU might live.

Father, thank you for these experiences.... for walking me through this cult and through the loneliness and isolation and confusion.... I know You are with me. I know You guide me. I pray that you break my rebellion and humble me so that I will follow YOU. God, You are my only.

Amen.

Thank you.

I love You Lord....or I'm beginning to. I thought it wasn't possible to love you... not REAL love. I thought I needed the Holy Spirit to love You THROUGH me... but You are teaching me to love You and I can't do anything else unless I love You.... and I CAN only love You if You, through grace, grant me the ability to love You. I am nothing without You Lord  <-- that's a lyric from some song and also completely true. "Without You I am nothing" <-- ah. THAT is the song lyric. Still true. :)

Tomorrow- SPIN at the Bellevue Y. (Sad that I have to leave Bootcamp and Power Sculpt at the Wexford Y...I really liked Cathy... I don't want to deal with Mark and Lori though, so I will oblige and move out of the way.)

Also, let me actually re-write what I wrote in my journal today (if it's any good. I haven't re-read it, but I have a sense that it was good so I want to put it here too).

It's a RACE backwards!!

Race [death/flesh] to the finish line which is complete mortification of the flesh... + carnal desires, etc...

I have to turn all my sin inside out... and go back down the path to the garden...the end of the race.

The crown of life.

It IS possible

This is a pearl to be buried in a field and I must sell everything to buy that field!

Don't throw my pearls to pigs. They don't get it.

Mmmm... yep. That WAS pretty deep, but I'm sure it looks kooky here. It does. But I'll leave it for now anyway. :)

I think my point is that I have to undo all the sin that I've done in my life... this is the path of life... I've BEEN walking AWAY from the Garden of Eden (where the TREE OF LIFE resides). In order to get BACK there so that I can have eternal life, I need to REPENT (turn) and walk the OTHER WAY... walk AWAY from all my sin. I have to UNDO all that I did. I have to face and crucify all my sin. I get that. That makes sense.

There is a dude with a sword guarding the gate to the Garden too... what is that? WHO is that? What is the stumbling block? Jesus?! Belief? God... show me the truth... JESUS is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... no one comes to YOU except by HIM. (John 14:6) Show me who Jesus is. And who the TWO anointed people - PEOPLE???? - are. GOD, help me to follow YOU alone! I am HERE for You. You brought me here.... help me to BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK (2 Chron 28:10).

Let's quote the whole 1 Chronicles 28:9-10... I LOVE this:
"And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all heart, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee: but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever. Take heed now: for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do it."

I am Solomon... sans the wisdom! :)  <--j/k, I actually think God is answering my prayer for wisdom. Lord, I pray for wisdom and understanding and discernment that will help me follow You more effectively and with a pure heart.

Okay... time to get ready for bed!
<3

Prayers

Just read this prayer that I wrote on April 21st:
Lord, I pray for more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may honor and please you and grow and so that my life produces fruit (Col 1:9-10). I pray for the cares of this life- of my flesh- of my soul (my will, mind, and emotion) to be STRIPPED away. I pray for complete submission to the Holy Spirit and for strengthened intuition so that I may follow, worship, and fellowship with You in a manner worthy of being your child! I pray to be a martyr- that I would die for my testimony about Jesus (Rev 20:4). I pray that today (and everyday) I would DIE to all the things of this world.  You have taken my sin already- it was crucified on the cross with Jesus - let me walk in that freedom. I pray that I would continuously- every day - multiple times a day - put my SELF (my heart, mind, soul, and strength) on the altar. All my desires... my cravings... my dreams... my plans, expectations, experiences... my EVERYTHING... I lay it on your altar Lord. Have your way with this new [wo]man...  Teach me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Fill me....FOR YOU. Amen.

WHO WAS that girl and WHERE did she GO and HOW DO I GET HER BACK??? 

Let me try praying now and see what happens:
God, please help me. I can't even pray anymore. I'm lost. I confused. I don't even know who you are. I don't even WANT wisdom anymore... I want SANITY. I pray for direction. I pray for steadfastness. I pray for my panic attacks to go away. I pray for protection from the curses. I pray for direction. Did I ask you for direction yet? I am GRATEFUL for this place... for Bellevue and this job and this opportunity. God, I've failed though. I've failed. I couldn't bring the light into the cult, nor did I GET any light FROM the cult... It was a wash. I have dismantled the work You've done in me and now I have to start afresh... but I don't even know where to start. FEAR GOD and OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS. That's all I've got... and that JESUS is the CORNERSTONE. But besides that, I'm lost... I don't see that Jesus is the Son of God except that CHRIST is the Son of God and Jesus is the Christ... Jesus Christ, so He IS God... but God is God and Christ is IN God... see.... the IN's and THROUGH's - fixed position IN and CHANNEL and UNTOs...they mess with me. I don't know. I see that Jesus is the second Adam. Is Jesus Adam? Are there reincarnations of sorts? What is the spirit? Do people's spirits go in and out of people? How on earth did Saul get Samuel to come back through a medium? Did Jesus really crucify his sin nature... is there ORIGINAL SIN in us... are we sinful naturally and Jesus "killed the sin" in himself...died to himself... and what's the BAFFLING WIND... is that going backwards? Do we have to go backwards to get to the Garden of Eden... and in the Garden of Eden is that where the eternal life is? The tree of life. And what is fruit? Is it righteous character? And do we EAT fruit? What is eating the fruit of sin? How did Eve sin? Who is Eve? How does marriage work? How come the whole Old Testament reminds me of Jesus? I see Him over and over. Am I a Son? Was my "regeneration" an awakening? Am I really being given this knowledge because I am seeking You or am I being lead by a deceptive Spirit? 

Where is my SPARKELY and EMOTIONAL response to the Holy Spirit? Why have all my friends left me? Why is my hair falling out? God, MAKE ME STRONG. Make me want to focus only on YOU. I pray for the truth. I pray for the desire to pray. I pray for my friends- for Sayre- give her ears to hear. I pray for Le'Anna- for understanding and self-discipline - for Alicia, for thirst for more of you. For Mark, for Your Spirit to awaken him. For Jen- for her to be broken- for Joey, for humility and that he would see things as they are. For Lori to be broken and dependant on YOU. For Joe to be strong. For Doug to seek YOU. For CORIE, strength and thirst for righteousness. For Page safety. For Davin, draw Him to You. For my parents - for Dad, bring Him back. For Mom, bring her. For Braden and Yasmin- make a way. For Journey- I pray for the true Spirit of God- the Creator and Father of the Universe to fill the church and the people who serve with the Holy Spirit- guide them and use them for YOUR GLORY. I pray that none of us would be blind-guides... or if we are, that we would HONOR you in doing so. 

God take the beam out of my eye. Purify me. Make me whole. 
Give me the strength and the desire to do what is right.
I pray that you would keep Jessicker- help her to have her heart on You during her time in Canada. Be with Wendy- show her who YOU are... I pray against the demonic influence in her family and environment. Lord, draw Ken. Father, help me to be a FAITHFUL and GOOD and BOLD and TRUTHFUL representative of YOU... Help me to know you so that I can share who you REALLY ARE.

God, I pray for your Holy Spirit to impregnate me (not with a baby please- ha!), but in my heart... grow and shine and scrape out my sin and darkness.... make me holy. Save me from my self... from my flesh... from the enemy... from the world.  Lord, I am nothing without you. Return to me (thank you needtobreathe).

Sleep.
Rest.
Sabbath.
I've gone mad, Lord.. Rescue me from me... I give all of me to You...and that which I am unwilling to give to you.... I will you that too. Please conform me into the image of your Son.... to Jesus... show me what that means. Lord, I believe... HELP MY UNBELIEF!

Amen.

I don't know which one was right.... I don't know. I'm lost.

I once was found, but now I'm lost

I said that in a prayer today and really loved it...

"I once was FOUND, but NOW I'm LOST."

On another - less serious/strenuous note:
Davin recommended a great movie which I watched as much as I could (I only have 2GB of data on my mobile hot spot, so I could only watch like 70%), but it was GREAT!!  "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" - it was mostly about juice fasting, so it was a bit nostalgic for me.

I loved my 40 day juice fast. I remember how GREAT I felt (weak, but I wasn't drinking enough), and after that movie, I am tempted to do it again!  However, I'm kinda afraid that it was the juice fast that caused this whole thing I've done to my body....my hair falling out, lost my MIND, etc. 

:(

Really, it's probably the fact that I went back to eating JUNK that my body is not happy... I remember feeling SO gooooood....and looking good....and being at peace.... even DAD complimented me!!

NOW I'm a hot mess.

I have been trying to figure out what to repent of... Alicia said "just repent"... but OF WHAT!

I realized that on either end of the "spiritual advisor" spectrum (in my world), I've got people who let me down. I've [re]become one of those people who have been "hurt" by the "church"... "clergy"...blahblahblah. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? By ME giving them too much "power"... too much "say".... THAT'S the problem!! However, let me document this for memory's sake:

• [Spirit-led] Jimmy said I should get on psych meds (for a spiritual "problem") = NOT OKAY.  (To be fair, my "spiritual problem" which was a desire to follow the Bible word-for-word DID ultimately lead me to join a cult.)
• Lori [of the Mysteries and Secrets] said that I didn't have the Holy Spirit in me and that my conversion/regeneration was probably just GAS and I was confused.

Nice. Both of them... nice. (not)

I think God is just teaching me that MAN can't be relied upon. They will always let you down. I must rely on / look to GOD alone.

Sayre - my favorite of favorites - has even let me down. I've been asking her to call me since she was in Africa (and today I called her crying, and I begged her via g-chat and email to call me) and she hasn't.  Total let down.

But God.
Lean not on my own understanding.
Trust Him.
It's not about me.
"Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and Him only shalt though serve" - Matt 4:10b

I have been reaching out to some people (left VM for Beverly) and talked to Alicia and to Le'Anna and sent email to Steve... and I am close to wanting to call Scott Schuler... but I see what I'm doing here... I'm trying to go to MAN. I'm scared. And instead of letting God protect me, I'm trying to sabotage what He is trying to teach me. I want man to coddle me and fix me up.... but I can't do that... I need to want God to do it....and I, Carissa, need to follow God's advice "BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK" (1 Chron 28:10).

I need to make good choices with eating (on my own)
I need to make good choices with exercise (on my own)
I need to make good choices with pride and bragging and self-righteousness (on my own)
BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK!!

Note: "on my own" means without HUMANS being my source of "approval", but instead having GOD as my SOURCE (of everything). I am incapable of turning my sinful flesh into anything useful for the Kingdom without the power of God through the Holy Spirit- so I must call on Him. HE is where my help comes from!!!

Pray.

I have serious trust issues.
I also have serious selfishness issues.
And serious laziness issues.
And serious pride issues.
And serious rebellion issues.... and control issues... and probably many more, but I just broke my pattern of hitting the enter button after an admission of issues and have now broken the spell. darn.

xo