Prayers

Just read this prayer that I wrote on April 21st:
Lord, I pray for more spiritual wisdom, understanding, and discernment so that I may honor and please you and grow and so that my life produces fruit (Col 1:9-10). I pray for the cares of this life- of my flesh- of my soul (my will, mind, and emotion) to be STRIPPED away. I pray for complete submission to the Holy Spirit and for strengthened intuition so that I may follow, worship, and fellowship with You in a manner worthy of being your child! I pray to be a martyr- that I would die for my testimony about Jesus (Rev 20:4). I pray that today (and everyday) I would DIE to all the things of this world.  You have taken my sin already- it was crucified on the cross with Jesus - let me walk in that freedom. I pray that I would continuously- every day - multiple times a day - put my SELF (my heart, mind, soul, and strength) on the altar. All my desires... my cravings... my dreams... my plans, expectations, experiences... my EVERYTHING... I lay it on your altar Lord. Have your way with this new [wo]man...  Teach me. Guide me. Strengthen me. Fill me....FOR YOU. Amen.

WHO WAS that girl and WHERE did she GO and HOW DO I GET HER BACK??? 

Let me try praying now and see what happens:
God, please help me. I can't even pray anymore. I'm lost. I confused. I don't even know who you are. I don't even WANT wisdom anymore... I want SANITY. I pray for direction. I pray for steadfastness. I pray for my panic attacks to go away. I pray for protection from the curses. I pray for direction. Did I ask you for direction yet? I am GRATEFUL for this place... for Bellevue and this job and this opportunity. God, I've failed though. I've failed. I couldn't bring the light into the cult, nor did I GET any light FROM the cult... It was a wash. I have dismantled the work You've done in me and now I have to start afresh... but I don't even know where to start. FEAR GOD and OBEY HIS COMMANDMENTS. That's all I've got... and that JESUS is the CORNERSTONE. But besides that, I'm lost... I don't see that Jesus is the Son of God except that CHRIST is the Son of God and Jesus is the Christ... Jesus Christ, so He IS God... but God is God and Christ is IN God... see.... the IN's and THROUGH's - fixed position IN and CHANNEL and UNTOs...they mess with me. I don't know. I see that Jesus is the second Adam. Is Jesus Adam? Are there reincarnations of sorts? What is the spirit? Do people's spirits go in and out of people? How on earth did Saul get Samuel to come back through a medium? Did Jesus really crucify his sin nature... is there ORIGINAL SIN in us... are we sinful naturally and Jesus "killed the sin" in himself...died to himself... and what's the BAFFLING WIND... is that going backwards? Do we have to go backwards to get to the Garden of Eden... and in the Garden of Eden is that where the eternal life is? The tree of life. And what is fruit? Is it righteous character? And do we EAT fruit? What is eating the fruit of sin? How did Eve sin? Who is Eve? How does marriage work? How come the whole Old Testament reminds me of Jesus? I see Him over and over. Am I a Son? Was my "regeneration" an awakening? Am I really being given this knowledge because I am seeking You or am I being lead by a deceptive Spirit? 

Where is my SPARKELY and EMOTIONAL response to the Holy Spirit? Why have all my friends left me? Why is my hair falling out? God, MAKE ME STRONG. Make me want to focus only on YOU. I pray for the truth. I pray for the desire to pray. I pray for my friends- for Sayre- give her ears to hear. I pray for Le'Anna- for understanding and self-discipline - for Alicia, for thirst for more of you. For Mark, for Your Spirit to awaken him. For Jen- for her to be broken- for Joey, for humility and that he would see things as they are. For Lori to be broken and dependant on YOU. For Joe to be strong. For Doug to seek YOU. For CORIE, strength and thirst for righteousness. For Page safety. For Davin, draw Him to You. For my parents - for Dad, bring Him back. For Mom, bring her. For Braden and Yasmin- make a way. For Journey- I pray for the true Spirit of God- the Creator and Father of the Universe to fill the church and the people who serve with the Holy Spirit- guide them and use them for YOUR GLORY. I pray that none of us would be blind-guides... or if we are, that we would HONOR you in doing so. 

God take the beam out of my eye. Purify me. Make me whole. 
Give me the strength and the desire to do what is right.
I pray that you would keep Jessicker- help her to have her heart on You during her time in Canada. Be with Wendy- show her who YOU are... I pray against the demonic influence in her family and environment. Lord, draw Ken. Father, help me to be a FAITHFUL and GOOD and BOLD and TRUTHFUL representative of YOU... Help me to know you so that I can share who you REALLY ARE.

God, I pray for your Holy Spirit to impregnate me (not with a baby please- ha!), but in my heart... grow and shine and scrape out my sin and darkness.... make me holy. Save me from my self... from my flesh... from the enemy... from the world.  Lord, I am nothing without you. Return to me (thank you needtobreathe).

Sleep.
Rest.
Sabbath.
I've gone mad, Lord.. Rescue me from me... I give all of me to You...and that which I am unwilling to give to you.... I will you that too. Please conform me into the image of your Son.... to Jesus... show me what that means. Lord, I believe... HELP MY UNBELIEF!

Amen.

I don't know which one was right.... I don't know. I'm lost.