Here's an email that I was GOING TO send to my e-friend, Jessicker, who I found through Brother Micah's mesasge board. I didn't send anything other than the first question about whether or not she's going to heaven. I decided to post the rest of it in my blog so you can see where my head is (or isn't) today - Saturday, August 13, 2011.
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If you die today are you going to heaven?
I don't know how to REST in the Lord (how can I rest if I'm a DEAD girl walking?)! I am saved by believing...and I believe... I think I believed MORE when I wasn't seeing all the stuff about having to walk in holiness....or maybe I was just more relaxed so I didn't care? I know that my flesh is sinful- I am inherently sinful (selfish, prideful, etc.) but I believe that by walking in the Spirit, God will sanctify me. Does that mean I'm not saved until I'm sanctified??
I believe that Jesus is Lord and that God raised him from the dead (Rom 10:9). I also believe God can, by His grace (the divine influence on the heart and its reflection in the life), raise ME from the dead. Isn't that a PROCESS though? So am I saved today or do I need to get to the end of the race and have kept the faith and endured without sinning?
I used to believe that my spirit testified with the Spirit of God that I am His child (Rom 8:16) and that I had the seal of the Holy Spirit on my heart (Eph 1:13-14). But how can that be if I am sinful (in sinful flesh)?
I have been deceived one way or the other. Either I was coddled into false security thinking that by my faith I was [instantly] saved OR I am deceived now into thinking that I am NOT saved until I reach a state of holiness.
Can you help?
BTW, I went to a "megachurch" tonight and it MESSSSSED with me. They were doing baptisms and I allllllmost went up- my heart was pounding and I'm not sure if it was God or an evil one prompting me. (I haven't been baptized since my true "awakening", which I THOUGHT was my "regeneration" in January 2, 2011 and I think that was the actual/true time that I was "saved" and I would LOVE to PROCLAIM it... or as they said "make an outward profession of an inward change".) I didn't have complete peace though so I decided to crack open my Bible and read Jer 4:23a ("...wash thine heart from wickedness, that thou mayest be saved...") and for a second I thought by getting into the big tub I'd "wash my sins" (silly, I know). --> Anyway, I heard the pastor asking people- "If you died today, do you know where you are going?" and I realized that my answer would no longer line up with what they wanted to hear (or what I would have said before).
I also saw how this place was a shrine unto itself... an abomination to the Lord. They talked about themselves and patted themselves on the back. I think Satan uses those places to get people in there and put them to sleep (spiritual slumber). On the other hand, I was awakened through a church like that, so I don't know- maybe good DOES come out of there because it makes people think about God and teaches them how to seek Him. What do you think??
I want SO badly to go back to my home and church in NC but I'm prettttttty sure that that was my "Egypt" that God rescued me from, so why am I trying to go back like the Isrealites did? I'm lonely and desire fellowship and growth and I LOVE the praise and worship and my friends who love God (but I think they are following the doctrine/fables of men (2 Tim 4:4, Eph 4:14)). I'm also scared that the "cult" people were right in saying that what I thought was the Holy Spirit wasn't. I think I DO have the HS guiding me, but I think what I think is the HS is an angel of light that creates feeeeeeeelings. I miss the feeeeeeeelings that I get in my big church. I believe I hear from God and that it brings me closer to the Father's heart but what if that's all hogwash. I'm so messed up.
I want to rest, but I don't want to if I'm walking around dead. This is just too much too fast (I prayed for it- it's my fault- and I keep digging (e-sword) but then I see two different meanings in many scriptures... or deeper meanings that just make me more "head-y" and make me try harder to "figure out" the truth!!!
UGH!
This is a rant. Respond to what you want to/can. Right now I trust you because you seem to be both "in the Spirit" and "in the Word"... that's where I want to be.
Thanks for listening!
Carissa
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