I worship another god

I bow down to the god of my belly... I worship food... I worship taste and selfishness and grease and sugar.  

Exodus 20:2  "I am the LORD they God, which have brougth thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage."
Exodus 20:3 "Thou shalt have no other gods before me."

I'm an idolator in the worst way. I worship food. I worship the experience of eating. I worship the taste. I worship the hatred of myself that fuels me to eat until I'm sick. I worship my self. I am spitting in God's face when I do this.

Tonight I ate a whole Turkish pizza from Ephesus. It might have been a meal for one, but it was too much and I was VERY full but KEPT eating. I couldn't put it down.

I disgust myself. Is it enough to STOP KILLING myself? Is the shame of eating like that in front of other people enough to shame me into repentance? I need some GODLY SORROW!!! God, HELP ME! GRANT ME REPENTANCE!! (2 Cor 7:10)

I have so much to repent of.
God, help me follow You.
My heart is Yours... I exist ONLY for You... help me not to do things for ME... help me to die to myself so that YOU might live.

Father, thank you for these experiences.... for walking me through this cult and through the loneliness and isolation and confusion.... I know You are with me. I know You guide me. I pray that you break my rebellion and humble me so that I will follow YOU. God, You are my only.

Amen.

Thank you.

I love You Lord....or I'm beginning to. I thought it wasn't possible to love you... not REAL love. I thought I needed the Holy Spirit to love You THROUGH me... but You are teaching me to love You and I can't do anything else unless I love You.... and I CAN only love You if You, through grace, grant me the ability to love You. I am nothing without You Lord  <-- that's a lyric from some song and also completely true. "Without You I am nothing" <-- ah. THAT is the song lyric. Still true. :)

Tomorrow- SPIN at the Bellevue Y. (Sad that I have to leave Bootcamp and Power Sculpt at the Wexford Y...I really liked Cathy... I don't want to deal with Mark and Lori though, so I will oblige and move out of the way.)

Also, let me actually re-write what I wrote in my journal today (if it's any good. I haven't re-read it, but I have a sense that it was good so I want to put it here too).

It's a RACE backwards!!

Race [death/flesh] to the finish line which is complete mortification of the flesh... + carnal desires, etc...

I have to turn all my sin inside out... and go back down the path to the garden...the end of the race.

The crown of life.

It IS possible

This is a pearl to be buried in a field and I must sell everything to buy that field!

Don't throw my pearls to pigs. They don't get it.

Mmmm... yep. That WAS pretty deep, but I'm sure it looks kooky here. It does. But I'll leave it for now anyway. :)

I think my point is that I have to undo all the sin that I've done in my life... this is the path of life... I've BEEN walking AWAY from the Garden of Eden (where the TREE OF LIFE resides). In order to get BACK there so that I can have eternal life, I need to REPENT (turn) and walk the OTHER WAY... walk AWAY from all my sin. I have to UNDO all that I did. I have to face and crucify all my sin. I get that. That makes sense.

There is a dude with a sword guarding the gate to the Garden too... what is that? WHO is that? What is the stumbling block? Jesus?! Belief? God... show me the truth... JESUS is the Way, the Truth, and the Life... no one comes to YOU except by HIM. (John 14:6) Show me who Jesus is. And who the TWO anointed people - PEOPLE???? - are. GOD, help me to follow YOU alone! I am HERE for You. You brought me here.... help me to BE STRONG AND DO THE WORK (2 Chron 28:10).

Let's quote the whole 1 Chronicles 28:9-10... I LOVE this:
"And thou, Solomon my son, know thou the God of thy father, and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind: for the LORD searcheth all heart, and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts: if thou seek him, he will be found of thee: but if thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever. Take heed now: for the LORD hath chosen thee to build an house for the sanctuary: be strong, and do it."

I am Solomon... sans the wisdom! :)  <--j/k, I actually think God is answering my prayer for wisdom. Lord, I pray for wisdom and understanding and discernment that will help me follow You more effectively and with a pure heart.

Okay... time to get ready for bed!
<3