False Alarm

7:54

False alarm - we're okay. Thank goodness for Paul. AND that that apartment was rented!

We talked and made love and are re-connected. I think there was lingering disconnect from my trip, but also we need to get on the same page in the money department and we are now headed in that direction.

___

An incredibly magical song that Angela sent me this morning:
https://www.singthewatersong.com/songlyrics

POWERFUL!!!!!

It's 8:04 now. 88 was a thing yesterday. Kit noticed 5:55 this morning. There have been SO MANY numbers. I can't keep up but I trust my Godself is registering and working with them. 

____

This is from an email window that I had open for - it must be a month - on my computer. I was going to write something but didn't. But this seems important enough to keep:

Feeling like my challenges with discipline are related to challenges with truth. I lie to myself. I don’t prioritize myself to keep my word. But it goes deeper in that the promises (toward discipline) may not be rooted in an honest movement toward healing myself. Or I’m trying to kill myself. Yep. That one too. The warring consciousness. Ah, this is a DEEP ONE!

Thank you for bringing this forward Eliyanah! 

____

I wonder if I'm terribly fractured? A terribly damaged being? But also still an active receiver/transmitter so God can still work through me. I want to stay here! I want to heal! I'm shooting for 88 years (at least)! God, please don't give up on me!

____

11:11 12:12 mirror mirror 12:21 (ps. I saw Candice's post at 12:13 and Paul pulled a Holy Father and I pulled a Holy Mother meditation yesterday). 12:22

12:44/44% 1:11 13:33
1:43 1:44

What a HUGE AG pick for the day!
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Benevolent_ET_and_Extradimensional_Entities

Also, I just rolled and got a very supportive meditation suggestion:
"Developing Self Awareness" - on it!

2:22 3:33 5:55
6:44 7:44 21:12 9:09

The end of an era

We've been together 6 months. Lived together 4 of them. 
It can't continue. Paul is only out for himself. He is using me and I am done with that. God directed me to a perfect apartment for him. I was instrumental in helping him get down out of Alaska where he was sick and dying and back to the sun and to this grid where he can be of great support. I helped him collect and pay for all his belongings to bring them back to him. Helped him get a job, solidify his direction of wanting to be an author and start getting his plan in place. Gave him the space and vibration to begin to peel back the screen addictions. He's still faltering with cigarette addictions - he's smoking again at work but not telling me about it although we have an understanding that I know.

There's too much confusion which leads to gaslighting and manipulation on both our parts.

He just keeps siphoning my love, efforts, money, time, etc. He doesn't even recognize it. But he irresponsibly racked up a $5k moving bill from Alaska, plus the money I mailed to him to mail books plus the plane ticket I paid for. Then I paid for his stuff to be sent from Oklahoma. Plus all the car repairs from him driving it. Cancel any curses that are on him. I gave all of my savings, all of my tax refund, to keep juggling these expenses and debt. I am still $3k in debt. He got a check for $3K (or so - maybe more) for his belongings in Oklahoma and gave me $1400 toward the credit card which doesn't even cover the $1500 I paid to get it here. Then he took close to $300 back for some software program that has a FREE program that you can use but he wanted the "lifetime" version. There was an annual version too for $80 but he wanted the lifetime one which he said was on sale from $500. Anyway... the point is that he is just out for himself. 

I need to cut him and this loose. It's trying to sink me. My beloved will want to lift me up and we will fill each other with love - not this. 

We aren't sexually compatible either. He wants blowjobs all the time and wants me to swallow. I want to make love - be connected at our sacral center and connect to the divine through our union. Different paradigms. 

I think he could want what I want down the road but I will be gone - used up - by that time. 

So that's it. It can't go on. Even today he was complaining about the family vacation which is a GIFT that he was invited to join in, but frankly he probably won't appreciate it anyway. He just takes. 

Here's a telegram interaction from just a few minutes ago. It's 8:23 now. I saw 4:44 and 6:44 today.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:32:54 AM]:

When we get that insurance payment, can we please pay the credit card off?

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:33:13 AM]:

I gave you $1400 out of it.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:33:19 AM]:

Or if you want to buy new things with it and then get the other half, that would be fine and THEN we can pay it off

What?

I heard

1 br, 1 bath House - 500 N Clinton Ave - House for Rent in Dunn, NC | Apartments.com

See all available apartments for rent at 1 br, 1 bath House - 500 N Clinton Ave in Dunn, NC. 1 br, 1 bath House - 500 N Clinton Ave has rental units starting at $695.

I hate this for myself but you are not a team player. You are out for yourself. I need to let you go.

There is an apartment for rent that is very affordable in Dunn that you can walk to work from. 

I will miss you but I don't think this is working. I have given EVERYTHING to you and you just keep taking and are just doing whatever you want. 

I wish you the very best Paul. 

https://www.apartments.com/1-br-1-bath-house-500-n-clinton-ave-dunn-nc/nc5dy2p/

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:42:31 AM]:

Are you upset that I paid towards the credit card?

Carissa Wages, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:43:38 AM]:

I'm upset that you haven't paid more. That you buy what you want for yourself when you want it and I am drowning in debt (most of which was incurred on your behalf). I'm upset that you are not a team player. That you are not transparent. That you are using me.

This is my lesson. I've "given myself away" over and over - trying to earn people's love.... to "help them" into caring for me. I considered myself generous but really I'm stupid.

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 28, 2022 at 7:48:21 AM]:

What have I bought for myself?

A pill container for my supplements. 

A software program to help me with our dream of being a writer that we agreed on beforehand. (I got your input first- like a team player)

A hearing protection with Bluetooth so that I could listen to books on writing while I work. 

Every other dime has gone to rent and gas.

I’ve gotten a total of one full weeks paychecks. I’ve paid everything I could with what I have.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 28, 2022 at 8:09:29 AM]:

Please call about that apartment on your break - that seems like a gift from God at that price, that you can have a dog, and walking distance to your work.

Perhaps we will be able to continue working on our relationship, I don't know. But this isn't working for me. I trust everything will work out the way it's supposed to. You will have all your spare time for writing and I believe in you. I am rooting for you to find success, health, happiness, love, and all the good things that are waiting for you.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 28, 2022 at 8:10:09 AM]:

I got this as my daily glossary pick today: https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Discernment

"Trustworthiness is based on ethical principles which include the principle of strong moral character (what we are as persons), and the principle of competence (what we are able to do as persons). You may have faith in the strong moral character of a person, but not in their competence as a leader. You may trust them as a friend, but you may not trust them to provide clear leadership. Alternatively, you may trust their intellectual and technical competence but lack confidence in their ethics and moral character. These are extremely important points of which to consider when making evaluations on ethical conduct and building trust between any person, group, organization, etc. We are not judging any person as good or bad, we are cultivating Discernment and determining appropriate level of trust with a person, are they trustworthy as well as ethical? We can accurately assess this if we pay attention to patterns and understand the critical role trustworthiness plays in building trust to make the correct decision for ourselves. [2]"

So that's it.
Note, those things he bought for himself are just the ones in the last week. I'm sure they total more than $500. 

Paul declares himself to be a satanist and I should have known it would be like this. Satanists are "STS" service to self. That's what makes them satanists. Law of One is "STO" service to others oriented. That's what I want to be. 

I need to get back to love. 
I realllllly enjoyed today's QiGong about love. I had some powerful cries from all the negativity that is now infused in my bones that I am trying to clear. I do not consent to negativity. I AM GOD SOVEREIGN FREE!!

God bless my brother and beloved Paul, but I need to 4/28/8:28 put my God-connection and mission first. I'm here for but a moment and I want to make the most of it. 

God will show me what's next. That apartment showing up - so easy - just right there on my first search - was an example. If I stay in alignment, everything flows. Thanks be to God!

ps. I DO like getting up at 4am. 5am might be better. When Paul leaves I think I'll still get up at 5. I like being up when the sun is coming up. 

___

5:05 5:15 15:15

Re-acclimation

9:33 message to Paul

Thank you for your message which also lets me know you made it to work safely. I didn’t say I needed space- I wanted the opposite of that. I was hoping for your care (including “seeing me” which would come with recognition and acknowledgement that I have been through a lot and I have a lot to catch up on.) I did some pretty helpful processing this morning which reminded me that I am the one who has to care for me. Looking for that from you is not right. It creates cords and expectations that are unhelpful. As my Godself has told me over and over (but I’m daft)... DO ME and let Paul BE. So I am committing to just focusing on my own life and getting back to loving me. I’m disjointed and fat and unhappy and unbalanced because I’ve abandoned myself to focus on you. It’s like Simon walking on water - he took his eyes off Jesus (who was playing the role of God in that story) ...so he took his eyes off God and sunk. I AM GOD so if I keep my eyes/heart on that connection, I’ll be better. I can’t look to you to meet my love (care) needs. As I said a million times, this whole exercise (on earth) is between ME and me.  I mistakenly thought that it shifted when we came into union with our Beloved, that it would be between US and us, but that doesn’t work unless we are actually in union which we are not. Maybe we’ll get there but not unless you perfect your personal relationship with your source energy and I do the same. Otherwise we are black holes. I don’t know what to do but I know we aren’t having fun so I need to come back to me. Do me. Let you do you. And we’ll see where it goes.

9:36 - I did have a good time chatting with myself in my journal. Processing. Good stuff, I'd say. 

I'm feeling pretty jacked up. About Paul. About myself. About who I am (note the SMALL "I am")... in this earth exercise. Today our "quote of the day" was pretty great:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." ~Buddha

So what kind of life do I want to create? I think I'm creating it - I thought it was great - beautiful! Unfortunately, it's gotten away from me. I think it's an opportunity to choose love. And I'm STILL withholding it if I'm honest. BE HONEST!! I saw this quote today too:

When the ego mind for whatever reason is able to tempt me out of love, to convince me that in that moment that person did not deserve love, for whatever reason i shut my heart, I manifest a world that is not loving that is not peaceful that is painful for me that is painful for others.  That is the ego mind and that is called hell." ~Marianne Williamson

... and I thought about that quote about "the love you withhold is the pain that you carry from lifetime to lifetime"... which actually, when I looked it up on google just said "the love you withhold is the pain that you carry" which seems a lot cleaner. But I witnessed that in Braden (and I know that I do it)...it's a manipulation tactic. I was going to share that with him but then I thought it would cause harm. 

I'm very harmful. I want to stop. I need to stop talking. But I need to clean up my heart. What flows out of my mouth comes from my heart which has become riddled in negativity. 

So again, I need to come back to LOVE. Self-Love. I need to do my mirror exercise daily. I need to cry and exercise and meditate and take care of me. I need to focus my attention on completing my work which is Malai work as well as finishing the mineral balancing program as well as spiritual work. THEN I need to look into maybe writing too. I don't know. I don't have a burning desire to write, but I would like to make money working for myself. 

There's an idea on the tip of my mind where I can arrange the whole thing - pay for other people to write and then I edit and put it together and publish. I think that's what Paul was talking about. 

Paul doesn't do what he says he's going to do. I guess I'm the same. I haven't done my mineral balancing program. 

I don't think we're on the same page. But are we supposed to be working it out together? Is this what we contracted to do at the "bus stop conversation"? Ugh. 

Not very thorough EJE

 Suggested for today: Emotion Journaling Exercise

I guess I'll dump .... I don't know. It's suggested. I'm TRYING to be kind and solar and loving. I also feel that I have to explain myself or make points or do what I feel I should do (like walk the dogs or my half assed take them to the dog park). I don't feel like anything is wrong. Am I creating shame or am I being honest and feeling through discordant energy? Am I honest? That's the most important question.

I feel behind. I feel disconnected. I feel apprehensive about being away from Paul and our family for 6 days. I don't really want to have sex. I just want to rest in each other's arms. I don't want to be pulled at. I don't want to pull. I just want to rest in love.

I'm tired. It's 20/5:00 (4/20/22 5:00) and I am waiting for Paul to get to work. He likes to buy Red Bull which doesn't make sense but who am I to judge him? We'll do what we want to do when we are ready. It doesn't make sense that I eat sugar when I know it damages my God-connection and body, but I haven't put my foot down. This is my work and nothing anyone else can say can change that. 

That was helpful to think through. Just LET GO. "Do me and let Paul BE."

___

9:21 Yesterday I saw TWO flying herons. One from the yard flying over the Ranch and one when I was driving down Steven's Chappel Rd.

https://www.sonomabirding.com/heron-symbolism/

On the way home I saw a bunch of 4 vultures eating some roadkill. They didn't move very fast and one as it was flying, flew in front of me right at windshield level - I wasn't going to hit it, but it was so close and a marvelous view of my friend!

3:01 - I saw another heron flying over the pond - low to the pond but big flaps - today! That article about the heron is pretty fabulous and I'm honored to get to experience heron's beautiful energy.  Purity, sacred, balance, stability, wisdom, self-reliance, etc... Represents Ra (the sun god in Egypt)... so much good stuff there!

My AG pick was very good and relevant today too:
https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Subconscious_Programming

Feeling like I'm very much called back to work on this Red Wave programming - the 1D healing. Another shot at healing subconscious wounds.

I looked at Tyrone's page today and I intend to cut all cords with him. I feel sad for him. I don't feel that he's my "person", but I do feel he's my brother and I pray that he finds his way. I'm so grateful for Paul and hope he and I can carry on healing one another in Love. 

Sound Response

Post in ES. I posted a few times between yesterday and today. Feels good to be back:

Dear Irene,
Sending you lots of love as you heal/purge those darn SPEs! SOUNDS to me like you are on to something powerful here and I look forward to hearing about your success!

I wonder if there is any inspiration in this AG article:
ascensionglossary.com/index.php/Krystall...hianic_Sonic_Pillars

I personally have found toning - humming - singing - making noises (whatever comes through me - sometimes discordant, sometimes beautiful) to be very supportive for my healing. I noticed that there were stuck pockets of pain in my energy body that I could access through the practice of creating a field of vibration (through my own sounds and even through certain music). Often after a short period of just making sounds with my own mouth and throat (sometimes even channeling/allowing what felt to be a native american spirit - those kind of sounds and tones - no recognizable words necessary), I would touch something indescribable and cry and cry ... very healing!

If you aren't feeling to work with the meditations right now, perhaps some of the soundscapes that Lisa & Tomás offer may be supportive? You can find them under the "Soothing Meditations" section in the Platinum Archives: esfoundations.com/soothing-meditations/c...soothing-meditations

This may be a little dark ... or it sounds like it for the first little bit of this song as it has a kind of "dracula" feel at first...but I feel like this song is/was realllllly healing - like it could squeeze out/off the SPEs! To me I can feel it working - enlivening - massaging - my cells! If you do listen - listen as loud as you can handle!

 
Carissa

Shared to DW

 In reference to his:

4/15/22. I added to this controversial and important article and welcome feedback about it. For details, read Who Or What Is God? 

Begin forwarded message:

From: Carissa Wages <crwages@gmail.com>

Subject: Since you asked

Date: April 15, 2022 at 9:38:00 AM EDT

To: "Dr. Lawrence (Larry) Wilson" <larry@drlwilson.com>

You said:

I added to this controversial and important article and welcome feedback about it.

So I’ll share that I feel this too. I felt like I was granted deep access to the universal truth when I saw Horton Hears a Who in 2008! 

Here’s a relevant 3 minute clip from it that addresses these layers of beings (in a way, if you can see it too): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InIEECDCSYU

I think the Mormon church doctrine - at least the mystical deeper teachings - may align with this. I don’t know a lot about it but I believe their doctrine is that they become planets… there’s more to it but I’ll leave it there.

I agree that we are some sort of cell (or quark?) that is a part of the larger being of the earth….I think we are microcosms that share the architecture of the macrocosm and that it multiplies exponentially. When there is a distortion on one level it creates discordance that affects the rest of the layers. I think the rogues are deliberately damaging each layer through toxins and vampirizing energy. I think the transhuman agenda (through Ai and vaccinations, etc.) is making the humans into what is equivalent to cannibalistic cancer cells to destroy the earth - the large being which will roll up and up and up to the larger and larger beings that we are a part of. 

I also think there is no time so there are potentially multiple simultaneous dimensions and timelines for these beings in which different things happen and maybe we can influence the collapse of the detrimental timelines and restore free-flowing organic life and peace for all beings.

There are some thoughts and feedback. Thank you for asking!

Love, Carissa

A star is born

 A healthy happy unvaccinated baby! Hazel is being set up for a meaningFULL life!

Purple

 I've been seeing a purple blob in my third eye... kind of the same tone of purple as the little chicken house in our yard... that oriental eggplant color.

Today's AG pick is a doozy. https://ascensionglossary.com/index.php/New_World_Order

I'm going to have to come back for it later. I read some but I need to soak in it. It's 5:26. I ate a cookie at probably 3:26 (yes, AM). Not good that we bought cookies. I remember now why I can't do that... sugar is feeding the candida which feeds parasites and we need them OUT!!!

This morning I read a blog from Kirk that mentioned purple too. It was called "The Purple Plasma Paradise Solves Everything". It was mostly incoherent but his title and purple image which I'll copy here resonated with my experience.

I'm sure we're tapped into the same collective consciousness stream. Yesterday I was having pretty significant spleen pain. The day before too. I did do a qigong application with essential oils the day before with Paul to support the liver and spleen so... I don't know. I think it's up. Crucifixion implant removal. Correction of Violet Ray. 

AquaRose Relationship Post

 Post in AquaRose:

Relationships are hard!

in Relationship Support Group

Hello beloveds! I've been thinking about this group a bunch lately and wanted to pop on and share my love and let you know I miss you all and this week I was finally able to get a little bandwidth to do so. It's been a challenging 5 months - beautiful but hard - as I've been tasked with a new relationship. Did I task myself like a mad-woman, taking on something so hard or is it my mentality ("something so hard") that is making it so? Besides both of us having dense miasma in need of healing and transmutation, the relationship has brought forward a ton of negative ego clearing work. Fear and codependency lead to control issues that strangle love. Lunar distortions and pain body and wormholes for entities to attack us. Constant attack by splitter technology and pulsed programming. A spotty terrain for sure! That said, isn't this what we came for? Because the trenches are dirty and hard does that mean I should grab a pina colada and head to the beach instead? I have tasted moments of deep abiding eternal love and know we have the capacity to anchor it - but I have to become familiar with the access points. My M.O. is to function with the mind and that's not the WAY. Somehow I have to sweep away the negative ego and her plotting and planning and find PRESENCE in the heart and operate from that space. I thought I was further along but this has shown me I have so so so much work to do. I'm grateful to God but jeez-louise this is hard! I miss the frolicking in the light with my beautiful krystic friends. "Negativity" wants to swallow me - hello NAA! A month ago this was shown to me (that I've gotten sucked into negativity again) so I am actively trying to thwart that. My judgment and control issues color my reality so first I really need to get those under control. <--see how I did that? Ha! Ugh! Well this isn't very coherent but I felt to write something so there it is. It's 5:46 am. I now get up at 3:30am to help Paul get ready for work and wait for him to get to work and then I get to go back to bed for a couple hours (though it takes about an hour to get back to a place of rest). I don't like this schedule. (Negativity) I want him to take action to own his life! He says he wants to work from home and work toward being a writer but he doesn't DO it. It would be awesome if he worked from home so we could go anywhere we want - my dream is to move to the mountains...that fresh, crisp mountain air is calling me. But again...he doesn't take steps to do so. But I should also say that judging from the 3 months he was home while he was looking for a job, it's not the best for me to have him around all the time. His resonance is very challenging - he seems to have even MORE anti-life energies in him (probably from soaking in satanic music and content) so he actually radiates and broadcasts reversals, even when he sleeps. I need my resonance to be rooted in Sophia so that I can hold the field that helps him/us heal but his field is stronger. When he goes to work and I have time for my self-care (meditations, laying in the sun, communing with my sisters, etc.) then I am stronger. So....long winding story short.... I just need to trust God and not try to control. Our home and life is beautiful as is. A real gift! I just worry about him working where he works in that very dirty-dusty environment...we're trying to reclaim his health. But HE has to choose it. And HE has to choose to not be a slave to his phone/devices/social media and HE has to choose life-giving programs/content/music. HE has to live his OWN life and I have to keep my eyes and heart on God. From the get-go, God has whispered and encouraged me to "Do ME and let Paul BE". That's the ticket. I'm just hard-headed....hard-hearted. Stubborn. We both are. And we are mirrors of each other. But the more I push and try to control based on my judgments, the more interference I put into his natural inclinations toward healing. That's enough for now. I love you guys. Thanks for your witnessing and love! Carissa ps. Next time remind me to talk about the challenges with the NRG sexual misery programming (as well as the opportunities and commitment we share for healing)... it's wild!

Sadness and madness

 I feel such sadness and madness. I need to cry. I point my sadness and madness at Paul but is it him? Has he "done something wrong"? Isn't it just the separation? The human condition? Is it his selfishness or my lack of self-love? The latter surely. I need to love myself alone and that will fill my heart. If I am doing things out of alignment with MY HEART. If I'M judging MYSELF then I make myself feel bad.

When we were having sex last night I was trying to love myself... talking to ME and telling me how beautiful I am and things that I wanted to hear. I have to say them to myself. When we finished ... he finished and went to sleep, I got out the vibrator and finished myself. 

I need to care for my own needs. But it felt so good to care for his too. Why is HIS APPRECIATION a part of my expectations? He has to have X amount of gratitude to make what I do worth it. He has to show me some sort of love back to make it worth it. NO. That's a lie and a distortion... I have to do what I do for ME and that's it. No matter what he does or doesn't do back. 

He's fine too. He is just him. 

I feel the lunar forces running through me and I don't know how to stop them. I got up and made his breakfast and lunch. Service.

I didn't do my full shielding last night. I tried to share the "twin flame" Q&A with him last night - from this lunar place of proving or pushing - and he just wanted to go to bed. It was some sort of distortion in me. I'm not relaxed. My heart isn't open. I'm sad.

I feel like an empath, a co-dependant AND a narcissist...(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsEI4pOggUo) but I do see the codependant stuff mostly. I'm mostly trying to "earn" people's love by giving myself away to the point that I resent them. 

Listening to "Oceans" right now. I had "Spillways" by Ghost going round and round in my head when I woke at 3:03. Did the "turning point" happen after I listened to "Spillways" which came up when I was using the vibration plate? It seems like that was about the time frame that my consciousness shifted to victim and lunar consciousness. I started trying to prove myself by dancing and then felt rejected when Paul didn't comment on my nakedness or show any attraction to me. He's not attracted to me because I'm not attractive now. I need to LOVE ME. 

I AM MY OWN LOVER. 

But see how that music affects me. Christian music - some of it - puts GOOD VIBES in me. I noticed that Spillways is talking about the holes in my lightbody where my soul spills out. It almost encourages that. Glorifies the wormholes. 

Not to mention the coding. I was given so much information about coding in music yesterday listening to the ESF call and Q&A. So batten down the hatches sweet girl!

The pendulum said that I should stay with Paul. And I see how this is a canvas for much ego shedding.... if I would LET GO. Thank you God! I don't want to give up. I've had LIES come through my mouth both yesterday and today in the morning... I say "just kill me"... but I don't want to... it just comes out of my mouth after sleeping. I'm weak. I need to fortify my lightbody and invest in loving myself.

CLEAR BLACK MAGIC. I feel it. It's making my tummy hurt. Paul came over to be nice and said do I want to do something fun before he leaves and I said "yes" and he said "what"? and I suggested we could dance or play cards. He wants to dance. But then he said he needs to poop first. Maybe my tummy pain is feeling his which makes him need to poop. I don't know. 4:24 4:26

5:14 - I'm the selfish and entitled one. I want the world to revolve around me. This is the narcissism. Ugh. My head hurt after I said this. Pay attention to the body. 

Had a great conversation with Sophia yesterday. And Le'Anna. God has filled my life with good friends. Had great conversation with Corie the day before. And Page one night. 

I just need to connect with and meet my own needs. Everything else is icing. I took some CDS and Paul gave me some digize to put on my belly. I'm sure I'm tired and the dreams have been intense.

___

6/6:13 Note to Paul on Telegram

I'm sorry I didn't leave you a note in your lunchbox. I'm dealing with all these bad feelings inside myself. Sadness and madness mostly. I'm sorry I'm taking it out on you. I told myself I wasn't going to listen to Ghost and then it came up when I was on the vibration plate and I listened because I like it but that was a turning point for my soul. I was happy until I let that in. I saw how it was glorifying and encouraging wormholes - spilllways for my soul. I need to be careful and wise about what I put in. I've been dreaming about superheroes too. I've learned that I have a hard time processing energies. Michael could just watch a show and have that be that. For me I have to PROCESS it. I have to work it out and through my psyche and if I get hung up on something it can be with me a while. I think shielding myself... my clearing practices...that helps me. And I really need to learn to direct energies to clear through external vortexes versus through my own body, but I've been lax in that because I'm trying to find the boundaries with what practices my soul wants and which ones are coming from fear. Just a lot to feel into. I think it was a black magic attack this morning. I feel better. Thank you for the digize. I had a headache come up too briefly. Feels like black magic. Anyway, the root cause for my unhappiness is a lack of love. MY LOVE. I can't look to you to provide any energy - that's vampiric. Looking to you for your attraction, attention, gratitude, etc.... that's all looking for love in the wrong places. I want to show you love and service as the outflow of my love for you which is the outflow of my love for ME and wanting to be in alignment with God. That shouldn't require any response from you at all because I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it. But it's vampiric for me (and lunar distorations) where I'm looking for "payment" for my service. "IF I do this then he SHOULD do this." (expectations set everybody up for a let down). I just need to be happy on my own and live a loving happy life in my own heart and let YOU DO YOU and ME DO ME and when something syncs up where we get to share love together then all the better. 

A lunar distortion got into me... I got kinked up. I think it was during Spillways but I tried to dance it and love it out of myself but I got more and more in a snarl. I'm sorry. I hope you can learn to see my emotional tango for what it is - it's me working with myself to learn and overcome. If you can see it for what it is then you can not take it personally and you can keep yourself above it and maybe someday even hold compassionate awareness which can help heal it. That's my goal for you too when I see you having challenges. Yesterday I should not have reacted that way when you decided you didn't want to do the red light. I should have just let you do or not do whatever you want to. I took it personally as a personal affront to my efforts that you didn't want to do the sauna anymore. You can do and not do what you want to. And I also need to just let go of trying to "help" you. I was trying to help you have air and privacy at the same time and you didn't seem to see it so I was hell-bent on showing you. I mean, "hell-bent" is a bit dramatic. I only repeated myself once, but I DID repeat myself and I wanted you to SEE before you made your final decision, but that one push back pushed you over the edge to not want to participate which didn't seem fair. I am trying to understand if I did something wrong and I think imposing my viewpoint must have been wrong but at the same time I feel that I have the right to communicate it. Was it my tone? Like we said yesterday - the energy of the pushback on both our parts seems to have been the fuel for the fire. 

There's so much to process. But the point is I'm sorry we are out of alignment and I'm sorry that our hearts were closed and I'm sorry that I didn't leave you a note. I wanted to do nothing for you this morning but I tried to overcome it and still make you breakfast and lunch, but I didn't do it with a freeflowing heart. I must have triggered my own black magic. Ugh. 

I'm sorry. I care about you. I will save your box. I hope you'll tell me why someday if it  pleases you to do so. 

Are all your co-workers there today? 

___

Music codes, etc.

3:54am 4/4/22

I was tortured to not sleeping all night with that dang Ghost song running around and around. I just put on Christian music to try to wash it out. It was one of my favorites - Griftwood - even the part about Holy Mother - but it feels like there are reversals coded into it. It seems to be blocking and damaging my consciousness. Like little bombs... splitter tech. I have to be careful about what I listen to. I can't listen to that unless I'm very very very bathed in LIGHT. 

Up at 3:32 and saw 3:33
Saw 33:30 too (minutes for Paul to drive to work).

Read up on the supposed satanic influence of the Eagle's "Hotel California" too. Much to unpack here with music...satanism...anti-life....what does it all mean? Thank you God for letting me explore!

Christian music is "sticky" too. But does it have more positive messages? Is the Ghost music NOT "positive"? I don't know. As Paul mentioned yesterday, it DOES create happiness for him...and for me too. But what are the messages? Are they pointing toward a snare? What if I don't believe in any "diety" like lucifer or satan or jesus? I like to think that Jesus/Yeshua lived and that he was an activist like Ghandi or Lisa Renee - sharing and living wisdom and truth, inspiring people to drop the shackles of religious overlays. 

But "lucifer" and "satan" are "gods".... same as Baal, Molech, YHVH, etc... people in the sky. But do we have people in the sky? Puppetmasters? What are these "Controllers"? Those who are doing the hybridizing and influencing the Controllers? And who is driving these Gestalts? I AM. WE ARE. 5:00 4/4/22

4/4 5:44 Watching this interview with Kirk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYqbKMjfxow

What's so interesting is that I've been pondering Music and its influence. Yesterday Paul and I were talking about Motzart and Deirdre and I interacted around coding in music... and then today Kirk sent an email about the Waltz of the Turtle Duck aka Beethoven's Symphony #9. 

What am I? Who AM I? I AM. 
I am observing, learning, feeling into, and "reverse engineering" the distortions, fear, etc. Paul sent me a message a few minutes ago about how my anxiety is the result of lack of trust in the universe - not reading the signs. Here's the telegram interaction. 

I was listening to The Energy Codes on my way in to work. I was thinking that your anxiety issues stem from a lack of trust in the universe. I also realized that I tend to ignore the energy aspects of healing. We both can heal quickly with a simple shift.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:04:47 AM]:

Thank you... I appreciate that so much. I agree about my anxiety and I'd love to heal quickly with a simple shift!!! What is the shift?

I also love that you were listening to the Energy Codes!

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:05:20 AM]:

For you: learn to trust and read the signs.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:06:33 AM]:

I

I've been a slave to fear. "trust" isn't easy

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:07:26 AM]:

I know. But remember that universe is perfect. Nothing flawed.

Carissa Wages, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:07:36 AM]:

I love you so much!

Paul 💗 (Sha’ul) Newman, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:08:02 AM]:

Right back at ya. 😍

Carissa Wages, [Apr 4, 2022 at 6:14:40 AM]:

I feel like I read the signs. A lot. Too much. No. Not too much. But I am definitely a sign reader. Maybe I forget. I definitely forget. I experience magical moments and see how things come together but then am impatient about letting them finish their path. I want the next "hit" of a "sign". This is separate from anxiety but anxiety is from fear which is coded into my bones. This actually seems to RESULT in lack of trust vs being driven by it. 

What are your simple shifts?

I wish I hadn't written "I love you so much!"... it wasn't from the heart. It was words. I think I DO love Paul but there are so many layers to work with. Sometimes I feel it deeply and sometimes not at all. Right then I didn't really feel it. I was trying to encourage him for his care and pondering. Isn't that manipulation though? Empty words. I don't like it. Watch.

I DO appreciate Kirk and his energy. There may be...surely is... appears to be... a big Ai influence through him, but he still brings forward what appears to be truth.

I saw 6:06... now it's 6:18 and I want to go back to bed. 

____
11:11 - I see I am dealing with TONS of splitter tech and metatronic reversals. And when I give myself away to things that are not aligned with my soul, that is when I am damaging myself. This past month's ESF call was fannnnntastic. Answered lots of my thoughts and questions... the music IS all coded with reversals. I need to batten down the hatches and hold my LIGHT. 

11:44, 12:22, 12:34, 12:48, 1:11, 14:41, 2:44/4, 2:54, 2:55, 3:33, 16:43/4, 44:55, 4/4:54, 5:55

4:00am on 4/5/22 - I just want to whine but I don't want to open a new entry.... the dark music is trying to drive me crazy! Don't let it! FEEL INTO IT. Don't resist... learn. I woke with the "holy mother you are the sun and moon and the stars in the sky" stuff from Griftwood. I didn't listen to Ghost at ALL yesterday. I DID watch "Lucifer" but I don't think there is a message there for me. I think I'll stop watching that. An Ozzy Osbourne song - I think the one about Giants was playing as I was trying to fall asleep for 4 hours. I went to bed at 8:00 on the nose but didn't sleep until closer to midnight. Got up with dogs at one point. Maybe I "rested" some of that time. Just breathe. Don't get upset. And definitely don't take it out on Paul which is what I want to do.

I put on Christian music this morning - it's 4:04 - as I made Paul a nice breakfast - avocado toast with fried egg and fresh tomatoes, onions and cilantro as well as an almond butter toast. I am also making fresh cooked veggies for his lunch. I like doing this... this is kindness. 

This music is much better. 
Just learn sweet girl.
Paul may be broadcasting too. Shield. Learn. THIS IS THE SCHOOLHOUSE OF THE LORD!! Remember? Yes. 

"Truth Be Told" by Matthew West is supporting me right this second. 
This whole thing is about casting out the lies and learning to live in alignment to my soul, to my Godself. 

4:11 - Paul just told me that the Ozzy song that was playing is about nucleaar war and of course the other one with Holy Mother speaks to me, of course, about Holy Mother and earth... so maybe these are messages from God and gridwork in a way. We've got this whole war/armegeddon program running on the earth right now so maybe I'm picking up on that and working with it in my consciousness in a way. Russia, of course, is related to the 6th stargate and Indigo consciousness, I think. I shouldn't say "of course", but as I understand. And it does feel like a planetary and Carissa heart opening happening too.

5/5:05

5/5:33 - my AG pick was Sekhmet and I'm smitten!

In Egyptian mythology, Sekhmet, is a warrior goddess as well as goddess of healing. She is depicted as a lioness, the fiercest hunter known to the Egyptians. It was said that her breath formed the desert. She was seen as the protector of the pharaohs and led them in warfare. Upon death, Sekhmet continued to protect them, bearing them to the afterlife.

Sekhmet is also a solar deity, sometimes called the daughter of Ra and often associated with the goddesses Hathor and Bastet. She bears the Uraeus, which associates her with Wadjet and royalty, and the solar disk. ^[1]