Sadness and madness

 I feel such sadness and madness. I need to cry. I point my sadness and madness at Paul but is it him? Has he "done something wrong"? Isn't it just the separation? The human condition? Is it his selfishness or my lack of self-love? The latter surely. I need to love myself alone and that will fill my heart. If I am doing things out of alignment with MY HEART. If I'M judging MYSELF then I make myself feel bad.

When we were having sex last night I was trying to love myself... talking to ME and telling me how beautiful I am and things that I wanted to hear. I have to say them to myself. When we finished ... he finished and went to sleep, I got out the vibrator and finished myself. 

I need to care for my own needs. But it felt so good to care for his too. Why is HIS APPRECIATION a part of my expectations? He has to have X amount of gratitude to make what I do worth it. He has to show me some sort of love back to make it worth it. NO. That's a lie and a distortion... I have to do what I do for ME and that's it. No matter what he does or doesn't do back. 

He's fine too. He is just him. 

I feel the lunar forces running through me and I don't know how to stop them. I got up and made his breakfast and lunch. Service.

I didn't do my full shielding last night. I tried to share the "twin flame" Q&A with him last night - from this lunar place of proving or pushing - and he just wanted to go to bed. It was some sort of distortion in me. I'm not relaxed. My heart isn't open. I'm sad.

I feel like an empath, a co-dependant AND a narcissist...(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nsEI4pOggUo) but I do see the codependant stuff mostly. I'm mostly trying to "earn" people's love by giving myself away to the point that I resent them. 

Listening to "Oceans" right now. I had "Spillways" by Ghost going round and round in my head when I woke at 3:03. Did the "turning point" happen after I listened to "Spillways" which came up when I was using the vibration plate? It seems like that was about the time frame that my consciousness shifted to victim and lunar consciousness. I started trying to prove myself by dancing and then felt rejected when Paul didn't comment on my nakedness or show any attraction to me. He's not attracted to me because I'm not attractive now. I need to LOVE ME. 

I AM MY OWN LOVER. 

But see how that music affects me. Christian music - some of it - puts GOOD VIBES in me. I noticed that Spillways is talking about the holes in my lightbody where my soul spills out. It almost encourages that. Glorifies the wormholes. 

Not to mention the coding. I was given so much information about coding in music yesterday listening to the ESF call and Q&A. So batten down the hatches sweet girl!

The pendulum said that I should stay with Paul. And I see how this is a canvas for much ego shedding.... if I would LET GO. Thank you God! I don't want to give up. I've had LIES come through my mouth both yesterday and today in the morning... I say "just kill me"... but I don't want to... it just comes out of my mouth after sleeping. I'm weak. I need to fortify my lightbody and invest in loving myself.

CLEAR BLACK MAGIC. I feel it. It's making my tummy hurt. Paul came over to be nice and said do I want to do something fun before he leaves and I said "yes" and he said "what"? and I suggested we could dance or play cards. He wants to dance. But then he said he needs to poop first. Maybe my tummy pain is feeling his which makes him need to poop. I don't know. 4:24 4:26

5:14 - I'm the selfish and entitled one. I want the world to revolve around me. This is the narcissism. Ugh. My head hurt after I said this. Pay attention to the body. 

Had a great conversation with Sophia yesterday. And Le'Anna. God has filled my life with good friends. Had great conversation with Corie the day before. And Page one night. 

I just need to connect with and meet my own needs. Everything else is icing. I took some CDS and Paul gave me some digize to put on my belly. I'm sure I'm tired and the dreams have been intense.

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6/6:13 Note to Paul on Telegram

I'm sorry I didn't leave you a note in your lunchbox. I'm dealing with all these bad feelings inside myself. Sadness and madness mostly. I'm sorry I'm taking it out on you. I told myself I wasn't going to listen to Ghost and then it came up when I was on the vibration plate and I listened because I like it but that was a turning point for my soul. I was happy until I let that in. I saw how it was glorifying and encouraging wormholes - spilllways for my soul. I need to be careful and wise about what I put in. I've been dreaming about superheroes too. I've learned that I have a hard time processing energies. Michael could just watch a show and have that be that. For me I have to PROCESS it. I have to work it out and through my psyche and if I get hung up on something it can be with me a while. I think shielding myself... my clearing practices...that helps me. And I really need to learn to direct energies to clear through external vortexes versus through my own body, but I've been lax in that because I'm trying to find the boundaries with what practices my soul wants and which ones are coming from fear. Just a lot to feel into. I think it was a black magic attack this morning. I feel better. Thank you for the digize. I had a headache come up too briefly. Feels like black magic. Anyway, the root cause for my unhappiness is a lack of love. MY LOVE. I can't look to you to provide any energy - that's vampiric. Looking to you for your attraction, attention, gratitude, etc.... that's all looking for love in the wrong places. I want to show you love and service as the outflow of my love for you which is the outflow of my love for ME and wanting to be in alignment with God. That shouldn't require any response from you at all because I want to do what I want to do because I want to do it. But it's vampiric for me (and lunar distorations) where I'm looking for "payment" for my service. "IF I do this then he SHOULD do this." (expectations set everybody up for a let down). I just need to be happy on my own and live a loving happy life in my own heart and let YOU DO YOU and ME DO ME and when something syncs up where we get to share love together then all the better. 

A lunar distortion got into me... I got kinked up. I think it was during Spillways but I tried to dance it and love it out of myself but I got more and more in a snarl. I'm sorry. I hope you can learn to see my emotional tango for what it is - it's me working with myself to learn and overcome. If you can see it for what it is then you can not take it personally and you can keep yourself above it and maybe someday even hold compassionate awareness which can help heal it. That's my goal for you too when I see you having challenges. Yesterday I should not have reacted that way when you decided you didn't want to do the red light. I should have just let you do or not do whatever you want to. I took it personally as a personal affront to my efforts that you didn't want to do the sauna anymore. You can do and not do what you want to. And I also need to just let go of trying to "help" you. I was trying to help you have air and privacy at the same time and you didn't seem to see it so I was hell-bent on showing you. I mean, "hell-bent" is a bit dramatic. I only repeated myself once, but I DID repeat myself and I wanted you to SEE before you made your final decision, but that one push back pushed you over the edge to not want to participate which didn't seem fair. I am trying to understand if I did something wrong and I think imposing my viewpoint must have been wrong but at the same time I feel that I have the right to communicate it. Was it my tone? Like we said yesterday - the energy of the pushback on both our parts seems to have been the fuel for the fire. 

There's so much to process. But the point is I'm sorry we are out of alignment and I'm sorry that our hearts were closed and I'm sorry that I didn't leave you a note. I wanted to do nothing for you this morning but I tried to overcome it and still make you breakfast and lunch, but I didn't do it with a freeflowing heart. I must have triggered my own black magic. Ugh. 

I'm sorry. I care about you. I will save your box. I hope you'll tell me why someday if it  pleases you to do so. 

Are all your co-workers there today? 

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