Re-acclimation

9:33 message to Paul

Thank you for your message which also lets me know you made it to work safely. I didn’t say I needed space- I wanted the opposite of that. I was hoping for your care (including “seeing me” which would come with recognition and acknowledgement that I have been through a lot and I have a lot to catch up on.) I did some pretty helpful processing this morning which reminded me that I am the one who has to care for me. Looking for that from you is not right. It creates cords and expectations that are unhelpful. As my Godself has told me over and over (but I’m daft)... DO ME and let Paul BE. So I am committing to just focusing on my own life and getting back to loving me. I’m disjointed and fat and unhappy and unbalanced because I’ve abandoned myself to focus on you. It’s like Simon walking on water - he took his eyes off Jesus (who was playing the role of God in that story) ...so he took his eyes off God and sunk. I AM GOD so if I keep my eyes/heart on that connection, I’ll be better. I can’t look to you to meet my love (care) needs. As I said a million times, this whole exercise (on earth) is between ME and me.  I mistakenly thought that it shifted when we came into union with our Beloved, that it would be between US and us, but that doesn’t work unless we are actually in union which we are not. Maybe we’ll get there but not unless you perfect your personal relationship with your source energy and I do the same. Otherwise we are black holes. I don’t know what to do but I know we aren’t having fun so I need to come back to me. Do me. Let you do you. And we’ll see where it goes.

9:36 - I did have a good time chatting with myself in my journal. Processing. Good stuff, I'd say. 

I'm feeling pretty jacked up. About Paul. About myself. About who I am (note the SMALL "I am")... in this earth exercise. Today our "quote of the day" was pretty great:

"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make the world." ~Buddha

So what kind of life do I want to create? I think I'm creating it - I thought it was great - beautiful! Unfortunately, it's gotten away from me. I think it's an opportunity to choose love. And I'm STILL withholding it if I'm honest. BE HONEST!! I saw this quote today too:

When the ego mind for whatever reason is able to tempt me out of love, to convince me that in that moment that person did not deserve love, for whatever reason i shut my heart, I manifest a world that is not loving that is not peaceful that is painful for me that is painful for others.  That is the ego mind and that is called hell." ~Marianne Williamson

... and I thought about that quote about "the love you withhold is the pain that you carry from lifetime to lifetime"... which actually, when I looked it up on google just said "the love you withhold is the pain that you carry" which seems a lot cleaner. But I witnessed that in Braden (and I know that I do it)...it's a manipulation tactic. I was going to share that with him but then I thought it would cause harm. 

I'm very harmful. I want to stop. I need to stop talking. But I need to clean up my heart. What flows out of my mouth comes from my heart which has become riddled in negativity. 

So again, I need to come back to LOVE. Self-Love. I need to do my mirror exercise daily. I need to cry and exercise and meditate and take care of me. I need to focus my attention on completing my work which is Malai work as well as finishing the mineral balancing program as well as spiritual work. THEN I need to look into maybe writing too. I don't know. I don't have a burning desire to write, but I would like to make money working for myself. 

There's an idea on the tip of my mind where I can arrange the whole thing - pay for other people to write and then I edit and put it together and publish. I think that's what Paul was talking about. 

Paul doesn't do what he says he's going to do. I guess I'm the same. I haven't done my mineral balancing program. 

I don't think we're on the same page. But are we supposed to be working it out together? Is this what we contracted to do at the "bus stop conversation"? Ugh.