Paul "feeding Sioux" but not cleaning up after her. His excuse is that I told him that when were going to leave for the mountains (on an exploratory trip), that we could just feed her and not clean up.
The poop bucket was so filled that I couldn't fit more in it and I had to go dump it... while sick and barefoot. Neither him nor Michael took responsibility.
Paul is lazy, selfish, prideful, resentful, and passive-aggressive and I can't play along to try to "love him out of it" anymore. I understand that it is a reflection of my own problems in all those areas. But I am being sucked dry. Even when I've been so sick. He pretends that he kept his half day off work so he could come home and take care of me but he didn't do anything noteworthy other than pick up the humidifier. He likes to spend money. He is a user. I'm done.
I need to learn to love myself and be free. There is a man out there who will see me and love me and we will serve each other in love. It won't be hard. I have learned this year about service... so much service. And now I need to be by myself for a while and learn to love myself and my own body and to understand how it works and gets turned on. To work with my own shadows and my own stuff. I'm tired of having to focus on Paul's stuff.... his whining about never accomplishing what he wants to accomplish (because he's always on his phone playing games and who knows what else.... or watching TV.... he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.)
I'm ready for a change.
This isn't working for me.
He's not the man for me.
The poop bucket was so filled that I couldn't fit more in it and I had to go dump it... while sick and barefoot. Neither him nor Michael took responsibility.
Paul is lazy, selfish, prideful, resentful, and passive-aggressive and I can't play along to try to "love him out of it" anymore. I understand that it is a reflection of my own problems in all those areas. But I am being sucked dry. Even when I've been so sick. He pretends that he kept his half day off work so he could come home and take care of me but he didn't do anything noteworthy other than pick up the humidifier. He likes to spend money. He is a user. I'm done.
I need to learn to love myself and be free. There is a man out there who will see me and love me and we will serve each other in love. It won't be hard. I have learned this year about service... so much service. And now I need to be by myself for a while and learn to love myself and my own body and to understand how it works and gets turned on. To work with my own shadows and my own stuff. I'm tired of having to focus on Paul's stuff.... his whining about never accomplishing what he wants to accomplish (because he's always on his phone playing games and who knows what else.... or watching TV.... he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk.)
I'm ready for a change.
This isn't working for me.
He's not the man for me.
I get glimpses of him... I had 5-10 seconds of a hug this morning when he woke up... he hugged me over the pillow that was between us.... he has Manson or a pillow between us when we sleep. It's fine because I can't usually deal with his broadcasts...and I like to sleep independently or with Moses next to me... but it felt really nice to have a warm loving (but maybe it wasn't love, maybe it was just literally warmth) that held me for a moment. But one moment turned into challenge after challenge. He said we could go drive through the mountains and then went to his throne (potty) to play games on his phone. He left me to do everything to prepare for the trip. He asked if the dogs (he only cares about Manson really but he did invite them all ... I didn't think it would be fair to torture Rue & Moses with 2 days in the curvy car with no vacation of walks.) Anyway... I packed for Manson... had to clean up days of mess in the kitchen which he couldn't clean up when I was sick. I asked him for days to dump some old bone broth I had made and he never did it so I finally did and I cleaned the jar mostly but I let it soak afterwards thinking that he could finish but he just left it... for 2 or 3 more days until I just did it. I have to do everything. And he complains about it.
_____
It is finished. We talked.
It's interesting because it is about one year ago today that God knit our hearts together... I started "feeling him"... we were talking and there was a strong pull and I started holding his miasma. It was part of my one year journey to help my fellow brother Emerald Order Magi Grail King. To help him realize his beauty, power, and strength... to free himself from the slavery of satanic thought and step into his magnificence.
We had a good talk... I tried to be edifying... to share how much I believed in him but how I couldn't be his excuse why he wasn't accomplishing what he wanted to accomplish. I have to prepare my heart for his passive aggressive gaslighting twisting.
But I watched a romantic movie this week and there was a part that said that if the guy isn't willing to scream from the top of the mountaintops that he is in love with you, then he's not the guy. I don't think Paul ever put me on his only form of social media... he doesn't post personal stuff much but he used to post photos of Christina all the time. He was proud of her because he thought she was beautiful. He isn't proud of me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't shout at the top of the mountains that I'm his girl. He is ashamed of me. I am overweight... but I've become that (moreso) as I've carried his miasma and experience... and he's exactly the same. We are mirror images of each other. Thank you God for the experience.
Anyway... I have a problem with codependency and I give my energy and power away to Paul to try to make him happy and well so that WE can be happy and well and I don't think that's the "Way"... I need to love ME and work with myself.
I also want to be with someone KIND. Who doesn't ignore people when they say "hi" to him ... who inquires about neighbors' lives and situations. Who wants to help other people. He DID want to randomly drive a close to an hour to help some guy move a shelf ... something he saw on social media - Nextdoor... but he has a hard time helping me. Yesterday I asked him to help Mr. Casey get the hay in the barn and said please make sure it stays lying down and this morning I went in there and it was sitting straight up... he gets bitter at me for asking him to do anything or telling him how I'd like it... there are just too many problems. Thank you God for this experience and lesson.
It's going to be hard, but I am here with you.
____
Turned into another big blowout... argument about him not walking dogs... I ended up having to do it. It's a game... mind fuck, yes. He feels he's a victim. He needs to figure himself out. I need to figure myself out. This isn't healthy.
He said today "all I've ever wanted was a helper".
He said today "all I've ever wanted was a helper".
A slave. Someone to dominate. To use. That's exactly how it's going.
I HAVE been his helper... his slave. To the nines. But it's using me up.
I'm doing the right thing. I'm gaining clarity and strength. I want to love him well but his "you make me do this and you yell at me and you make me do that and you keep me from doing this"... blaming me for everything...for his lack of taking ownership over his life...I'm not going to accept that anymore.
I HAVE been his helper... his slave. To the nines. But it's using me up.
I'm doing the right thing. I'm gaining clarity and strength. I want to love him well but his "you make me do this and you yell at me and you make me do that and you keep me from doing this"... blaming me for everything...for his lack of taking ownership over his life...I'm not going to accept that anymore.
I DO try to play the "holy spirit" and tell him what he should do. We all need to learn to listen to our OWN hearts. And I DO need to stop controlling him. If he wants to take off without telling me where he's going, then let him. If he doesn't walk the dogs, he doesn't. I don't need to ask him to do anything anymore. I just need to take ownership of my own life. I'm not sure what he'll do.
He says he's going to be homeless. He makes over $2000 a month and he wants to choose to live in his car. I can't do anything about that. That's his choice. He's been his worst enemy his whole life... always thwarting his own plans and blaming it on others like he's a victim. He twists everything so he is a victim.
Do I?
I'm controlling and codependent and fearful.
He says he's going to be homeless. He makes over $2000 a month and he wants to choose to live in his car. I can't do anything about that. That's his choice. He's been his worst enemy his whole life... always thwarting his own plans and blaming it on others like he's a victim. He twists everything so he is a victim.
Do I?
I'm controlling and codependent and fearful.
____
Paul took some time to go to the park with Manson. We both want to commit to our health and wellness and think that will help us love each other better. We both love each other.
We are going to keep going.
We are going to keep going.
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