..it came at the right time.
Feeling, again, like I want out of this relationship where I feel that I'm just being siphoned and used. Paul isn't a giver. He doesn't think of other people or our animals or family. I am weary of being soley responsible for caring for all our animals and home and providing meals and cleaning. (I don't clean much but he doesn't at all. He doesn't do much for the collective family or home at all... if I ask him he might, and he has some stuff on his "list", but he doesn't operate from his heart... and I'm tired.)
So after I got back from taking care of the chickens and Sioux and Paul hadn't even turned on the fish tank, hadn't fed the dogs, ignored my request about walking them... no, he said "I thought you said we weren't walking them today" (that was yesterday because we were in a hurricane)....
Feeling, again, like I want out of this relationship where I feel that I'm just being siphoned and used. Paul isn't a giver. He doesn't think of other people or our animals or family. I am weary of being soley responsible for caring for all our animals and home and providing meals and cleaning. (I don't clean much but he doesn't at all. He doesn't do much for the collective family or home at all... if I ask him he might, and he has some stuff on his "list", but he doesn't operate from his heart... and I'm tired.)
So after I got back from taking care of the chickens and Sioux and Paul hadn't even turned on the fish tank, hadn't fed the dogs, ignored my request about walking them... no, he said "I thought you said we weren't walking them today" (that was yesterday because we were in a hurricane)....
...I'm just tired of it. Selfishness.
We had a good talk (or maybe I had a good talk where I got to share some of my thoughts about SRA and music and what happened to him as a kid) last night. I don't know what lands.
I DO keep feeling strongly that we are soulmates. We think of the same things often. We look alike (marshmallows).
It would be so much easier to be on my own.... less people to take care of... I can keep the house clean and "own it"... not getting bitter about the lack of engagement. But then I think that maybe I'm being trained to serve... to overcome my OWN selfishness and entitlement to think that someone SHOULD help me or be kind. What's the story, God? What's the story????
So this AG pick came in that time. It's 8:45am right now and this has all been feels from the last 30 minutes or so.
Paul (like me) has a dissociative disorder. He can't connect to his feelings because he's had them blown up. My love will help him reconnect it, but my dark mother or entitlement or whatever energetic cords I have will just interfere. He needs pure love. But how can I give that??? What about me? I have to surrender my own self and let God work through me. This is the lesson. This is the gift. But it is a hard one for sure. And there are mixed messages out there about what it means to take back my power.... taking back my power and owning my life and running the show = self-centered control. How can I surrender and embody my Source/God-self and still be trying to wrangle my situation down here. That's not the Way.
Oh God, please help me to be a force of love. Not to "save" Paul, but to fulfill my mission... do what I came to do. Help me to surrender my own self-centered needs so that I can embody my Source and live out the greater purpose that I'm here. I must be faithful with the little lessons... not that this is little... but it doesn't come with a big platform or followers (which I don't want)..... but I have to be faithful in this to learn how to love and heal my own heart too.
We had a good talk (or maybe I had a good talk where I got to share some of my thoughts about SRA and music and what happened to him as a kid) last night. I don't know what lands.
I DO keep feeling strongly that we are soulmates. We think of the same things often. We look alike (marshmallows).
It would be so much easier to be on my own.... less people to take care of... I can keep the house clean and "own it"... not getting bitter about the lack of engagement. But then I think that maybe I'm being trained to serve... to overcome my OWN selfishness and entitlement to think that someone SHOULD help me or be kind. What's the story, God? What's the story????
So this AG pick came in that time. It's 8:45am right now and this has all been feels from the last 30 minutes or so.
Paul (like me) has a dissociative disorder. He can't connect to his feelings because he's had them blown up. My love will help him reconnect it, but my dark mother or entitlement or whatever energetic cords I have will just interfere. He needs pure love. But how can I give that??? What about me? I have to surrender my own self and let God work through me. This is the lesson. This is the gift. But it is a hard one for sure. And there are mixed messages out there about what it means to take back my power.... taking back my power and owning my life and running the show = self-centered control. How can I surrender and embody my Source/God-self and still be trying to wrangle my situation down here. That's not the Way.
Oh God, please help me to be a force of love. Not to "save" Paul, but to fulfill my mission... do what I came to do. Help me to surrender my own self-centered needs so that I can embody my Source and live out the greater purpose that I'm here. I must be faithful with the little lessons... not that this is little... but it doesn't come with a big platform or followers (which I don't want)..... but I have to be faithful in this to learn how to love and heal my own heart too.
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