It's 12:36. At 11:44pm.... after not sleeping for 4 hours (we went to bed at 7:44), I had maybe fallen asleep a few times but not for long. But I had acid reflux/ageda so I got up to take some GB3 and then I was moving Moses over between Paul and I. Paul rolled over and put his hot arm around Moses who did not like it and I tried to move it off and he blew up. Got crazy...yelling and slamming things around. I spent the next 20-30 minutes trying to calm him down and tell him how sorry I was and ask him to come back to bed, but he goes to the other room and doesn't sleep... he's stewing and the energy is yucky and I'm asking him to come back and then I stopped asking him to come back and I'm just feeling what is. But I have to be honest, this isn't working for me.
This weekend he was violently pushing me and ripping my clothes to try to take something from me. Apparently it made him mad that I took his pill container. I should have just given it back when he came at me, but I put it in my pants instead...so I perpetuated the problem.
We are not well. Eating poorly. Spending poorly.
Not happy.
It's been one year. Lots of lessons and growth, but this isn't how I envisioned it being. I've gained 40 pounds probably and lots of debt and black magic and poison air (swearing and screens and satanism). This isn't what I hoped for. I thought we would heal each other in love. And I"m learning... but possibly despite the difficulty here.
I think there is a new moon tonight... I think this black magic is from tonight. I do not consent. But I will feel it. I wanted to feel it to heal it. I wanted to go back into a relationship with physical abuse so I could bravely stand up to it. I broke down as I was trying to escape the house... ripping myself out the door screaming to the neighbors for help. Drama.
Then we had K3 and Jewel over and it was nice. I like having a partner. But there is ugliness. And he's trying to punish me. And I don't like it.
Just got an AG pick (Typhon Tunnels) and this was part of it. I think these are the entities trying to get to me through Paul. How can I maintain my neutrality? I'm off...because of sugar, poison, lack of sleep, etc. I need to come back to myself. I'm done with Paul's gaslighting and mind-games.
I'm going to sleep. It's 1:42a
9:22
I just need to lean in to feel whatever this is. It's soul-level stuff. Reminding me of the traumas with Joe and Tyrone. Dark Mother stuff coming through Paul as well as me. Pain Body, yes, but more Dark Mother. Manipulation, gas-lighting, trying to perpetuate victim-victimizer.
But there is another layer in that Paul doesn't seem to be moving in the direction of freedom, sovereignty, health, and organic life that I want to live in. I've gone backwards into his Ai-ridden, toxic, satanic vibration and it's not doing good things for my body, mind, or soul.
I have to take ownership of myself again. This is the last week that we are eating "junk" and then I feel like I'll gain some more clarity. MY "M.O." is to push-away or run-away. If it doesn't feel good, I want to get it away from me .. this comes from codependency because I have intertwined myself to this other person (and their jacked-up energy).
Last night I was being controlling by trying to move Moses so I had room for my feet and then when Paul put his arm around him and he hated it, I felt guilty that I had put him in that position and tried to free him. Apparently I said "you are hurting him" which was what triggered him. I just wanted to free Moses. But that led to a two+ hour drama (until 1:44) and I probably got 1 more hour of sleep ... Paul will say he didn't sleep but he was snoring so he got 2 hours more. He wouldn't take his doo-rag or his boots off so he just slept with them on. I shouldn't have asked him to take them off. It's not safe to ask him anything. He's not safe. He twists everything and makes me out to be an evil person. "You yelled at me" "you told me I couldn't do that"... when I am not yelling or telling him anything, I am expressing my desires and thoughts and he takes it personally and offensively.
We're just both not secure in who we are ourselves. I have fallen back from the strength in my own beliefs and Godself. Don't get me wrong, there are tremendous lessons in the darkness here, but I have lost my neutrality and am trying to "change" Paul so that I can feel better about myself. I had the idea that we were both ... no... I think it IS true that we are both wanting to be free of the matrix. But we both have hangups and I'd say Pauls are more insidious. He's very dependent on his phone. Even though we were with our niece and nephew and family, he spent at least 6+ hours a day on his phone each day this weekend. And then more time in front of the screen watching TV (Rick & Morty, etc.). It's just not aligned with my desire for life... I want to spend my off time in the garden, meditating, walking, playing with animals, doing art, etc.
So I'm trying to change him. Trying to change his dependence on his navigation device. Trying to change his TV watching. Trying to change his technology and phone dependence. Trying to change his "lists". Trying to motivate him to work on stuff he says he wants to work on (writing, etc.). But you see all this PUSHING? This is me trying to change him according to my understanding of what is best.
But obviously he has his own life and his own process.
And I need to keep my eyes on ME. I feel like I made some strides this week in the 3D with my own businesses, but I am having a hard time with the Ayla graphic design because I'm not in a place to connect with the universe ... I haven't even checked out the community space. I have taken more and more on and in my overwhelm I have disconnected from my heart.
I WANT TO FEEL ALL THIS.
But there is another layer in that Paul doesn't seem to be moving in the direction of freedom, sovereignty, health, and organic life that I want to live in. I've gone backwards into his Ai-ridden, toxic, satanic vibration and it's not doing good things for my body, mind, or soul.
I have to take ownership of myself again. This is the last week that we are eating "junk" and then I feel like I'll gain some more clarity. MY "M.O." is to push-away or run-away. If it doesn't feel good, I want to get it away from me .. this comes from codependency because I have intertwined myself to this other person (and their jacked-up energy).
Last night I was being controlling by trying to move Moses so I had room for my feet and then when Paul put his arm around him and he hated it, I felt guilty that I had put him in that position and tried to free him. Apparently I said "you are hurting him" which was what triggered him. I just wanted to free Moses. But that led to a two+ hour drama (until 1:44) and I probably got 1 more hour of sleep ... Paul will say he didn't sleep but he was snoring so he got 2 hours more. He wouldn't take his doo-rag or his boots off so he just slept with them on. I shouldn't have asked him to take them off. It's not safe to ask him anything. He's not safe. He twists everything and makes me out to be an evil person. "You yelled at me" "you told me I couldn't do that"... when I am not yelling or telling him anything, I am expressing my desires and thoughts and he takes it personally and offensively.
We're just both not secure in who we are ourselves. I have fallen back from the strength in my own beliefs and Godself. Don't get me wrong, there are tremendous lessons in the darkness here, but I have lost my neutrality and am trying to "change" Paul so that I can feel better about myself. I had the idea that we were both ... no... I think it IS true that we are both wanting to be free of the matrix. But we both have hangups and I'd say Pauls are more insidious. He's very dependent on his phone. Even though we were with our niece and nephew and family, he spent at least 6+ hours a day on his phone each day this weekend. And then more time in front of the screen watching TV (Rick & Morty, etc.). It's just not aligned with my desire for life... I want to spend my off time in the garden, meditating, walking, playing with animals, doing art, etc.
So I'm trying to change him. Trying to change his dependence on his navigation device. Trying to change his TV watching. Trying to change his technology and phone dependence. Trying to change his "lists". Trying to motivate him to work on stuff he says he wants to work on (writing, etc.). But you see all this PUSHING? This is me trying to change him according to my understanding of what is best.
But obviously he has his own life and his own process.
And I need to keep my eyes on ME. I feel like I made some strides this week in the 3D with my own businesses, but I am having a hard time with the Ayla graphic design because I'm not in a place to connect with the universe ... I haven't even checked out the community space. I have taken more and more on and in my overwhelm I have disconnected from my heart.
I WANT TO FEEL ALL THIS.
Thank you for being here with me, Beloved Carissa, to work on this with me... to feel and experience and work with all this to understand.
I noticed during my walk that I think that unless I take "action", that I am not accomplishing anything. So if I am uncomfortable with Paul, I have to take action and break up and move out... (or plan this in my head) in order to feel like I'm "doing something". But the truth is that I just need to feel it and then surrender and allow the Flow to lead.
This trip we have coming up at the end of the week... we are supposed to go to Georgia and then Mom and Dad's place (they aren't there) and then stay at Evangeline's and then come home. Lots of driving but we'll see Cliff and Theresa, lots of the mountains to "feel into" areas where we might want to live...hoping Paul will fall in love with it too. So I don't want to sabotage the possibility for that trip... if we are staying together, we need this. 9:43 9:44
I noticed during my walk that I think that unless I take "action", that I am not accomplishing anything. So if I am uncomfortable with Paul, I have to take action and break up and move out... (or plan this in my head) in order to feel like I'm "doing something". But the truth is that I just need to feel it and then surrender and allow the Flow to lead.
This trip we have coming up at the end of the week... we are supposed to go to Georgia and then Mom and Dad's place (they aren't there) and then stay at Evangeline's and then come home. Lots of driving but we'll see Cliff and Theresa, lots of the mountains to "feel into" areas where we might want to live...hoping Paul will fall in love with it too. So I don't want to sabotage the possibility for that trip... if we are staying together, we need this. 9:43 9:44
My period is supposed to start in a week. It came early last month. PLEASE DON'T COME EARLY!! I hate to bleed when we travel. I've been bleeding very heavily too lately. Spike proteins? Last month one day I filled my cup every hour or two one day. Gah!
Soooo... back to the title of this blog "this isn't working for me"...
Soooo... back to the title of this blog "this isn't working for me"...
I'M not working for me. I need to just have my experience and stop trying to change or frame Paul's. I need to decide what is aligned with me and go for THAT. If I want to wait around longer to see if Paul gets on board, then I can. If I want to take a turn and go-it-alone, then I can. Either way, it would be best if I could listen to my soul and feel into the conscious and subconscious desires that are driving my experience... what is it I want to feel here and feel it?
Breast cancer? Heart attacks? Fear? Abandonment? Strokes? Loss? Loneliness? Bullying? Abuse? Connection? Alignment? Love? Healing? Soul-mate?
I only consent to a happy, healthy, balanced, long, peaceful, joyful life in LOVE.
But I want to feel and honor everything that comes forward because that's what I came for.
I am timeless and eternal. I am having a life experience. An earth...3D... life experience.
Jeff has been on my heart a lot lately. I dreamt of him 2 nights ago too. He is very dear to me. If circumstances were different we would have been a good couple, I think. But that's for another life if that's what we choose. Paul is my twin-flame and mirror and I have much to learn. Maybe we could meld into a loving couple or maybe we are just here for a lesson, but I can not ... must stop trying... to control it.
Breast cancer? Heart attacks? Fear? Abandonment? Strokes? Loss? Loneliness? Bullying? Abuse? Connection? Alignment? Love? Healing? Soul-mate?
I only consent to a happy, healthy, balanced, long, peaceful, joyful life in LOVE.
But I want to feel and honor everything that comes forward because that's what I came for.
I am timeless and eternal. I am having a life experience. An earth...3D... life experience.
Jeff has been on my heart a lot lately. I dreamt of him 2 nights ago too. He is very dear to me. If circumstances were different we would have been a good couple, I think. But that's for another life if that's what we choose. Paul is my twin-flame and mirror and I have much to learn. Maybe we could meld into a loving couple or maybe we are just here for a lesson, but I can not ... must stop trying... to control it.
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