Carissa, cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!
The statement above is is my interpretation of Matthew 18:8
So if your hand or foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It’s better to enter eternal life with only one hand or one foot than to be thrown into eternal fire with both of your hands and feet.
- it probably means something much different than that. Another meaning could be that you should get rid of friends that tempt you to sin?... I don't know... but one thing I DO know is that my stomach is a source of sin. It entices and tricks me into going OUT OF MY MIND and then in shame, I hide from God and others... and that's NOT okay.
Cut off your stomach and throw it in the fire!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Shakin' in my boots
[shakin' in my boots]
I'm SO filled with fear. I am filled with worry. I am filled with death. I am filled with stress. I am filled with to do lists. I am filled with self loathing. I am filled with angst. I am overwhelmed with things that don't matter.
Hm. Ironic timing --> I'm listening to a Jars of Clay song right now that is a remake of an old hymn called "It is well with soul".... BUT ... it is NOT well with my soul. I am SO far away from being "well with my soul"!!! Argh! I know why too- It's because I am filled to the brim with so many self-centered emotions. It's because I am NOT filled with the [lovepeacejoy of the] Spirit.
It's my fault. I know it.
I have so many other things that I'm focusing on that I'm not putting my attention and focus on God.
I'm praying, I guess. I mean, I'm praying for others as God brings them to my mind (or if a circumstance warrants it)... but I'm not praying with an earnest longing for - yearning for - desperation for - knowing God more intimately. I'm not praying for Him to dig deep into my soul and to change me. I'm not praying for it to be well with my soul.
I'm also not reading the Bible the way I should. Maaan, there was a [flash of] time where I couldn't get enough of the Bible- I was ravenous!!! It was an amazing portal to a deeper relationship with God - "a beam-me-up-Scotty" way for God to speak directly into my heart and soul- and now I'm not feelin' it. I don't feel it. I don't feel it because I'm not taking action with a right heart- I'm not reading the Bible except to read it... it's not driven by God inspired passion anymore, but rather a sense of responsibility.... and that does not move me.
I've never loved doing things that I HAVE to do - instead, I make my mind up to WANT to do them. If there is a yucky job that I am not looking forward to (work, chores, etc.), I find a way to trick myself into thinking that it's fun! I make the most of my circumstances - usually - but I guess I have gotten away from that lately. I'm living more reactionary than creationary (<-- not a real concept, I know.:)) I've shifted to a place where I take things as they come instead of determining my own outcome and making it happen. I guess I think that is good... Is that good?? I don't want to control my circumstances anymore because I want God to control them. I want to be surrendered fully. I want my desires and plans to be swept away and to be left with a soul that is well with the Lord- I want to live as God intended... by the prompting of the Spirit and the example of Jesus.
I'll stand with arms held high and heart abandoned for the One who gave it all!!... All I am is Yours!....What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart of mine, completely to you? ~The Stand (listening to the Journey version right now)
I must be overwhelmed by God. How do I do that? I don't. I surrender. I lay it all down - I stop trying to hold onto everything myself. I prioritize God. I prioritize my time with God.
WHOA! Breakthrough!! TWICE today I was saying how important it is to spend time with your family... how one-on-one time is the sweetest! I told my family how I had great memories of when it was just my grandfather and I- when just the two of us would hang out- how that was so meaningful and memorable to me. Then I was telling my friend Vanessa how it would be a wonderful birthday gift for her to take her 15 year old son shopping- just the two of them (and that she should leave her 3 year old home so she wasn't distracted and could give her full attention to the birthday boy). WOW!! All that great thought/advice was really for ME! ...because I need to take time to just be with my Father... just Him'n I!!
I feel fearful because I've wandered away from the protection of my Father. I've wandered too far away. I'm such a dumb little sheep- baaaah! baaaah!! haha!! I crack myself up! I just pictured myself looking like a sheep... with curly white hair and four hoofed legs and everything!!... I'm just walking away from the light...walking toward the broken fence and dark trees... with every step that I take away from the Shepherd- He who loves and cares for and protects me... with every step, anxiety creeps up and in.
***
BTW- are you LOVING Josh Via's The First, The Last? I am! I can't get enough of it!
***
Ok. To work. DO something with this knowledge Carissa. Don't just look at it. Don't just say it. Do something as a result of it.
<3
I'm SO filled with fear. I am filled with worry. I am filled with death. I am filled with stress. I am filled with to do lists. I am filled with self loathing. I am filled with angst. I am overwhelmed with things that don't matter.
Hm. Ironic timing --> I'm listening to a Jars of Clay song right now that is a remake of an old hymn called "It is well with soul".... BUT ... it is NOT well with my soul. I am SO far away from being "well with my soul"!!! Argh! I know why too- It's because I am filled to the brim with so many self-centered emotions. It's because I am NOT filled with the [lovepeacejoy of the] Spirit.
It's my fault. I know it.
I have so many other things that I'm focusing on that I'm not putting my attention and focus on God.
I'm praying, I guess. I mean, I'm praying for others as God brings them to my mind (or if a circumstance warrants it)... but I'm not praying with an earnest longing for - yearning for - desperation for - knowing God more intimately. I'm not praying for Him to dig deep into my soul and to change me. I'm not praying for it to be well with my soul.
I'm also not reading the Bible the way I should. Maaan, there was a [flash of] time where I couldn't get enough of the Bible- I was ravenous!!! It was an amazing portal to a deeper relationship with God - "a beam-me-up-Scotty" way for God to speak directly into my heart and soul- and now I'm not feelin' it. I don't feel it. I don't feel it because I'm not taking action with a right heart- I'm not reading the Bible except to read it... it's not driven by God inspired passion anymore, but rather a sense of responsibility.... and that does not move me.
I've never loved doing things that I HAVE to do - instead, I make my mind up to WANT to do them. If there is a yucky job that I am not looking forward to (work, chores, etc.), I find a way to trick myself into thinking that it's fun! I make the most of my circumstances - usually - but I guess I have gotten away from that lately. I'm living more reactionary than creationary (<-- not a real concept, I know.:)) I've shifted to a place where I take things as they come instead of determining my own outcome and making it happen. I guess I think that is good... Is that good?? I don't want to control my circumstances anymore because I want God to control them. I want to be surrendered fully. I want my desires and plans to be swept away and to be left with a soul that is well with the Lord- I want to live as God intended... by the prompting of the Spirit and the example of Jesus.
I'll stand with arms held high and heart abandoned for the One who gave it all!!... All I am is Yours!....What can I say? What can I do? But offer this heart of mine, completely to you? ~The Stand (listening to the Journey version right now)
I must be overwhelmed by God. How do I do that? I don't. I surrender. I lay it all down - I stop trying to hold onto everything myself. I prioritize God. I prioritize my time with God.
WHOA! Breakthrough!! TWICE today I was saying how important it is to spend time with your family... how one-on-one time is the sweetest! I told my family how I had great memories of when it was just my grandfather and I- when just the two of us would hang out- how that was so meaningful and memorable to me. Then I was telling my friend Vanessa how it would be a wonderful birthday gift for her to take her 15 year old son shopping- just the two of them (and that she should leave her 3 year old home so she wasn't distracted and could give her full attention to the birthday boy). WOW!! All that great thought/advice was really for ME! ...because I need to take time to just be with my Father... just Him'n I!!
I feel fearful because I've wandered away from the protection of my Father. I've wandered too far away. I'm such a dumb little sheep- baaaah! baaaah!! haha!! I crack myself up! I just pictured myself looking like a sheep... with curly white hair and four hoofed legs and everything!!... I'm just walking away from the light...walking toward the broken fence and dark trees... with every step that I take away from the Shepherd- He who loves and cares for and protects me... with every step, anxiety creeps up and in.
***
BTW- are you LOVING Josh Via's The First, The Last? I am! I can't get enough of it!
***
Ok. To work. DO something with this knowledge Carissa. Don't just look at it. Don't just say it. Do something as a result of it.
<3
Monday, April 26, 2010
A hot mess
No. I'm not okay. I'm a hot mess.
I don't know where to start this blog, or how to start, but I know that I'm NOT okay. I guess I should start with the fact that I'm not okay because I'm not in God's will. Because I'm not being obedient. Because I'm focused on myself and - frankly - having a pity party.
I miss my husband. It was his birthday yesterday and I wasn't a part of it. Our 7 year anniversary is coming up on Monday and I am heartbroken over the fact that it is now just another day- a day of meaning that has been dissolved to mean nothing... nothing but loss. and failure. and a reminder of the sinful and selfish and poor decision to get divorced.
My aunt is in the middle of brain surgery this morning. I don't have peace that she's going to live through it and it scares the crap out of me. Death scares me. I thought this past week that maybe I would die soon too...I'm sure I'm being hypochodriachal <-- I doubt that's a word, but you get what I'm saying... anyway... I guess it's okay if I die. It IS okay if I die. I'm going to heaven...and it's better there than here... but I feel like I will have failed in my responsibilities here in so many ways.
My aunt is a believer. She'll go to heaven. I just pray that that won't happen now...that that won't happen today or even soon. She is the most amazing, loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, sweetest lady I know....like, she would do ANYTHING for her family- she would (and has) given up anything that she wanted for herself just to give more for her family.
Anyway...that's not "it" either. I'm also struggling with my SELF-centeredness. It's all about me. I am worried about what I'm writing here because I don't want someone to see it and think something about me. See? That is self-centeredness...selfishness...making it all about me. It's NOT about me.
I'm a glutton. I'm disgusting. I seriously gross myself out. With self-loathing I try to fill a void that is in me with food.... with sugar...with empty carbs... with empty everything- because nothing is God. The ONLY thing that can fill me is the God of the universe.
period.
Last week I experienced a moment of perfect peace, joy, and love. I was walking during my lunch break and looking up at the most gorgeous light shining through the trees- lighting up leaves and flowers and casting shadows on the tree trunks and making the most amazing music in my heart! I can't even describe it because it was too beautiful to try to capture in even my mind! There were two times last week that I can remember just being on top of the world... totally and completely engulfed in His great love for me... totally and completely overtaken by the Spirit...totally and completely IN joypeacelovehappinesscontentmentamazementAWE! WHY then am I feeling so far away from it now?
I am letting Satan in. I am letting someone other than love rule me. I am letting myself rule me. I am putting other priorities in front of God. I am making my worship something to be checked off on a to-do list. I am making my life more important than Jesus' life.
That's not okay.
That's WHY I'm not okay.
God's got everything. I have to remember that. I have to rest in that. I have to LET Him have everything.
I don't know where to start this blog, or how to start, but I know that I'm NOT okay. I guess I should start with the fact that I'm not okay because I'm not in God's will. Because I'm not being obedient. Because I'm focused on myself and - frankly - having a pity party.
I miss my husband. It was his birthday yesterday and I wasn't a part of it. Our 7 year anniversary is coming up on Monday and I am heartbroken over the fact that it is now just another day- a day of meaning that has been dissolved to mean nothing... nothing but loss. and failure. and a reminder of the sinful and selfish and poor decision to get divorced.
My aunt is in the middle of brain surgery this morning. I don't have peace that she's going to live through it and it scares the crap out of me. Death scares me. I thought this past week that maybe I would die soon too...I'm sure I'm being hypochodriachal <-- I doubt that's a word, but you get what I'm saying... anyway... I guess it's okay if I die. It IS okay if I die. I'm going to heaven...and it's better there than here... but I feel like I will have failed in my responsibilities here in so many ways.
My aunt is a believer. She'll go to heaven. I just pray that that won't happen now...that that won't happen today or even soon. She is the most amazing, loving, kind, thoughtful, caring, sweetest lady I know....like, she would do ANYTHING for her family- she would (and has) given up anything that she wanted for herself just to give more for her family.
Anyway...that's not "it" either. I'm also struggling with my SELF-centeredness. It's all about me. I am worried about what I'm writing here because I don't want someone to see it and think something about me. See? That is self-centeredness...selfishness...making it all about me. It's NOT about me.
I'm a glutton. I'm disgusting. I seriously gross myself out. With self-loathing I try to fill a void that is in me with food.... with sugar...with empty carbs... with empty everything- because nothing is God. The ONLY thing that can fill me is the God of the universe.
period.
Last week I experienced a moment of perfect peace, joy, and love. I was walking during my lunch break and looking up at the most gorgeous light shining through the trees- lighting up leaves and flowers and casting shadows on the tree trunks and making the most amazing music in my heart! I can't even describe it because it was too beautiful to try to capture in even my mind! There were two times last week that I can remember just being on top of the world... totally and completely engulfed in His great love for me... totally and completely overtaken by the Spirit...totally and completely IN joypeacelovehappinesscontentmentamazementAWE! WHY then am I feeling so far away from it now?
I am letting Satan in. I am letting someone other than love rule me. I am letting myself rule me. I am putting other priorities in front of God. I am making my worship something to be checked off on a to-do list. I am making my life more important than Jesus' life.
That's not okay.
That's WHY I'm not okay.
God's got everything. I have to remember that. I have to rest in that. I have to LET Him have everything.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Mish Mosh
Shall we just discuss how amazing God is??? Go ahead... you first... what are your thoughts on God's amazingfantasticcrazygoodness???
Mish Mosh #1 (or technically #2 if you count the thought above):
I woke up this morning with the most frightening thought - a thought that evoked emotions in me that can only be described with phrases with the word "horror" in it. OH THE HORROR!!! HOW HORRIBLE!!!! etc... The thought: Can you imagine what it would be like if the "rapture" happens and you look around and you are still here?? What would go through your head?? What would you do next? How can you avoid this?
I remembered a video that I saw a few years ago and went searching for it after the horrific thought trail.... check this out: Are You Ready?
I also found a cool website that I think is a BRILLIANT idea - it's for people to reference after the rapture happens (because all the Christians will be gone) check it out: Rapture Ready
Mish Mosh #2 (or #3 if you count the thought above the above thought):
Since I didn't blog yesterday, I just wanted to give you the EXTREMELY abridged version of yesterday's events. I'll do it with two bullet points...
1. I woke up with the following lyrics on my heart (from my fav totally-God-inspired musicians, Josh and Tasha Via)
"God, my heart is yours alone
God, this life is not my own.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes torn
But God my heart's completely Yours"
2. My faith was put to test... IS my heart God's alone? Do I still feel that way when I am tempted, tried, and torn??? YES!!! I got in a car accident on the way to work yesterday... Here are some fun pics of my sweet Daisy (my car), awwwww....
I rear ended a very nice dude in a work van.... THREE TIMES!! Yep, I have no idea how that happened. Well, I do... I was admiring our beautiful new church building as I was driving by on the way to work, and when I looked back at the road after a little daydream, I ran right into the van (who had stopped because the dude in front of him was making a slllllllllllow turn.) I don't know how, but I -like- bounced off of him! I TRIED to put my breaks on but they didn't work...so I hit the guy again, and then for good measure, hit him one more time! EEEEP!!! Praise God that no one was hurt (except Daisy). I'm a little sore, but nothing terrible. :) Oh, and here's a pic of my x-ray!! Coooooooool!
In real life, I am SO grateful for this stuff... I truly WANT to be broken. I want my focus to be on God and to be reminded of my dependence on Him. I love that He is showing me the importance of reliance on Him in my relationships, finances, work, transportation, health- LIFE!!!! This is the best place to be!
He loves us all SO much!!!!!!!!
<3
Mish Mosh #1 (or technically #2 if you count the thought above):
I woke up this morning with the most frightening thought - a thought that evoked emotions in me that can only be described with phrases with the word "horror" in it. OH THE HORROR!!! HOW HORRIBLE!!!! etc... The thought: Can you imagine what it would be like if the "rapture" happens and you look around and you are still here?? What would go through your head?? What would you do next? How can you avoid this?
I remembered a video that I saw a few years ago and went searching for it after the horrific thought trail.... check this out: Are You Ready?
I also found a cool website that I think is a BRILLIANT idea - it's for people to reference after the rapture happens (because all the Christians will be gone) check it out: Rapture Ready
Mish Mosh #2 (or #3 if you count the thought above the above thought):
Since I didn't blog yesterday, I just wanted to give you the EXTREMELY abridged version of yesterday's events. I'll do it with two bullet points...
1. I woke up with the following lyrics on my heart (from my fav totally-God-inspired musicians, Josh and Tasha Via)
"God, my heart is yours alone
God, this life is not my own.
Tempted, tried, and sometimes torn
But God my heart's completely Yours"
2. My faith was put to test... IS my heart God's alone? Do I still feel that way when I am tempted, tried, and torn??? YES!!! I got in a car accident on the way to work yesterday... Here are some fun pics of my sweet Daisy (my car), awwwww....
He loves us all SO much!!!!!!!!
<3
Friday, April 9, 2010
When you should be a puddle on the floor
I SHOULD be broken to death. I should be shattered. I should be a puddle on the floor. But guess what? I'm not. I'm not. I'm not because (and only because) of GOD'S GRACE. Grace. Period.
I need to remember this- I need to remember how GOD (not me) saved me from myself, from my own heart and motivations and drive and purpose - from feeling/knowing/being in touch with my selfish desires - I mean - YES, I know I am still a slave to myself... but I have a protector... protecting me from me.
I've been sweetly broken. yes.
Oh- let me just spell it out here. I have nothing to hide. Please remind me to be as concise as possible though because I can't handle those long posts that I've been writing...
Here are 2 of the miracles I experienced today:
(1.) Peace in the face of money-drama: Today I noticed that I overdrafted my bank account (someone had a big check of mine for a LONG time that I forgot about and when I paid all my bills the other day, I forgot to "save a spot" for that check... EEP!) - anyway - this morning when I realized it, the old me would have freaked out... but the new me knew that God had it under control!! I'm not saying that I didn't panic for a second, because I did. But what I DID do, was say to God "ok... this is the situation... but I know that you've got it under control. Take it."... and just at that moment, someone walked into my office with a check for me - a donation toward my missions trip!! Now technically that check won't touch my bank account/ save me from the massive overdraft fees... But it WAS a message from God! It was Him telling me that "Yes... I DO have it. See!?"... and yes. I saw. Peace abounded.
Bonus! Tonight I came home and my roommate gave me his rent payment a week early. God is too good for words! All glory to Him. For realZ. :)
(2.) Peace in the face of marriage drama: So, most of you know that I was divorced last year. Well, since then, I have been given new life! --> Sorry for the cop out- I just realized that I can't muster the strength to get into all that muck that I walked through last year. You know- you probably did the same... it was a CRAZY year for almost everyone I know... filled with challenges... filled with brokenness... filled with emptiness... filled with sadness and the hustle and bustle of trying to solve all our problems on our own. Oh sorry- this is about me... let me not project onto you. Last year was filled with ME trying to solve all my problems on my own... (problems, I might add, which I brought on myself).
Needless to say, God picked me up and loved me into submission.
I am a new person... and since then...since God revealed Himself in a way that left me no choice but to surrender to the Spirit ... since I said "God, YOU lead my life... I can't do it with out you"... God has shown me what He intended my marriage to look like. He proceeded to "show me ME" over and over and over again. (Yes- I'm one of those crazy people that WANT to know and see my faults - bring on the ugly stuff! - I want to see it so that I can pray that He take it away.) Anyway.... I decided (with God's help) that I wanted to be faithful to my husband- and more importantly that I wanted to be faithful to GOD by respecting and relating to my husband the RIGHT way.
[Let me pause here to send Kudos: Praise God! I have a new heart!!]
But wait... there are always complications... and this "little complication"is a BIG ONE... Joe (my ex-husband) is in love with someone else. That's a complication alright... but check this out... she (the woman he is in love with) is not just "someone else"... she is an AMAZING, kind, smart, perfect-for-him, girl... someone that in my small interaction with her, left me in awe of how good she is for him.
So. Yeah. Big complication.
The smart me...the me I used to be... the me who had it all under control... the me who cared about doing what was right based on human standards... would definitely see and recognize that and say "tally ho" to any fleeting thoughts of reconciliation. However, that is NOT me anymore. Now I only want to be filled with and led by the Spirit in all that I do. I was led to fast for clarification and purification for this and other things... I was led to pray about it lots... I was led to have long and intimate conversations with God about this... and then I was led to tell Joe about it (what I thought that God wanted me to share.)
This wasn't a fast or easy process... it was 3 solid months of both of us trying to discern what God wanted. Or actually- that's a big lie. I didn't actually do much... after I shared it with Joe (not the first time when I said "I THINK we are supposed to get back together..." but after the second time when I said that "I was made to serve next to you.")... I had the peace of the Lord come down around me and I knew that I did and said what I needed to do and say and that God had it under control. I was obedient (even though it was uncomfortable)... and I have no regrets.
Joe took some time and brought it to his accountability partners and pastor and most importantly- GOD.... and today we met to discuss the outcome of all this. (I didn't actually know that's what we were discussing until we met. But I DID sense that I needed God to be with me in a big way! I prayed hard and asked the Spirit to be with me and to BE me (live for me, think for me, talk for me, LISTEN for me (Thank you God!))... and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!! HE DID!!!
I don't know how I had the peace and grace that I had. Oh, because it WASN'T me. I look back on myself as though I am looking at someone else. (A CALM Carissa? Impossible... but oh yes!) Through our whole 1.5 hour conversation, God was with me... I am so humbled by this. It's absolutely incredible.
[pause]
I really have to ask Him to be with me like that more often... no...ALWAYS. Why do I only think to ask Him to come over and in and around and to shine through me when I am in need of rescue??... Don't I know that He is ALWAYS available!?! I can ALWAYS live in the power of God! I can ALWAYS live with that peace!!!!!! All I have to do is ASK. Wow.
Such power.
Anyway. It is finished. For now. I don't know what God has in mind for me or Joe or you... but what I DO know is that if we don't surrender our wills, plans, hearts, hopes, future, money, adventure, families, homes, EVERYTHING - then we are making a dire mistake. If I give it to Him, he will bless it (or take it?... or take it and bless it!)! ...And like Charles Stanley said (and Meredith or Alicia echoed), God doesn't take anything from us that is GOOD for us.
God doesn't take anything from us that is good for us. <-- I had trouble with that at first because I thought he was talking about people and my mind instantly went to my grandfather! God took Pappy and he (Pappy) was VERY good for me!!! But Charles is talking about stuff... stuff stuff (like cars, money, jobs, etc.) and emo stuff (like pride, bitterness, fear, etc.). Oh, but he's talking about people too, isn't he? - people stuff (like relationships, friendships, drama, etc.).
God loves us SO much... He wants us to be blessed. He wants only good for us. He is God of EVERYTHING. He is OUR FATHER. Maaaaaaaaan......the King of EVERYTHING is our FATHER and He wants the BEST for us!!! That's CRAZY!!! :D He wants to give us everything we could want.... HE wants to give it to us!
We have to STOP trying to get it for ourselves... why can't we just let Him give it to us as a GIFT?!! It's a gift.
It's a gift.
This ended up being really long AGAIN! Sorry!
I love you so much! Thank you for sharing my heart with me here.
<3
I need to remember this- I need to remember how GOD (not me) saved me from myself, from my own heart and motivations and drive and purpose - from feeling/knowing/being in touch with my selfish desires - I mean - YES, I know I am still a slave to myself... but I have a protector... protecting me from me.
I've been sweetly broken. yes.
Oh- let me just spell it out here. I have nothing to hide. Please remind me to be as concise as possible though because I can't handle those long posts that I've been writing...
Here are 2 of the miracles I experienced today:
(1.) Peace in the face of money-drama: Today I noticed that I overdrafted my bank account (someone had a big check of mine for a LONG time that I forgot about and when I paid all my bills the other day, I forgot to "save a spot" for that check... EEP!) - anyway - this morning when I realized it, the old me would have freaked out... but the new me knew that God had it under control!! I'm not saying that I didn't panic for a second, because I did. But what I DID do, was say to God "ok... this is the situation... but I know that you've got it under control. Take it."... and just at that moment, someone walked into my office with a check for me - a donation toward my missions trip!! Now technically that check won't touch my bank account/ save me from the massive overdraft fees... But it WAS a message from God! It was Him telling me that "Yes... I DO have it. See!?"... and yes. I saw. Peace abounded.
Bonus! Tonight I came home and my roommate gave me his rent payment a week early. God is too good for words! All glory to Him. For realZ. :)
(2.) Peace in the face of marriage drama: So, most of you know that I was divorced last year. Well, since then, I have been given new life! --> Sorry for the cop out- I just realized that I can't muster the strength to get into all that muck that I walked through last year. You know- you probably did the same... it was a CRAZY year for almost everyone I know... filled with challenges... filled with brokenness... filled with emptiness... filled with sadness and the hustle and bustle of trying to solve all our problems on our own. Oh sorry- this is about me... let me not project onto you. Last year was filled with ME trying to solve all my problems on my own... (problems, I might add, which I brought on myself).
Needless to say, God picked me up and loved me into submission.
I am a new person... and since then...since God revealed Himself in a way that left me no choice but to surrender to the Spirit ... since I said "God, YOU lead my life... I can't do it with out you"... God has shown me what He intended my marriage to look like. He proceeded to "show me ME" over and over and over again. (Yes- I'm one of those crazy people that WANT to know and see my faults - bring on the ugly stuff! - I want to see it so that I can pray that He take it away.) Anyway.... I decided (with God's help) that I wanted to be faithful to my husband- and more importantly that I wanted to be faithful to GOD by respecting and relating to my husband the RIGHT way.
[Let me pause here to send Kudos: Praise God! I have a new heart!!]
But wait... there are always complications... and this "little complication"is a BIG ONE... Joe (my ex-husband) is in love with someone else. That's a complication alright... but check this out... she (the woman he is in love with) is not just "someone else"... she is an AMAZING, kind, smart, perfect-for-him, girl... someone that in my small interaction with her, left me in awe of how good she is for him.
So. Yeah. Big complication.
The smart me...the me I used to be... the me who had it all under control... the me who cared about doing what was right based on human standards... would definitely see and recognize that and say "tally ho" to any fleeting thoughts of reconciliation. However, that is NOT me anymore. Now I only want to be filled with and led by the Spirit in all that I do. I was led to fast for clarification and purification for this and other things... I was led to pray about it lots... I was led to have long and intimate conversations with God about this... and then I was led to tell Joe about it (what I thought that God wanted me to share.)
This wasn't a fast or easy process... it was 3 solid months of both of us trying to discern what God wanted. Or actually- that's a big lie. I didn't actually do much... after I shared it with Joe (not the first time when I said "I THINK we are supposed to get back together..." but after the second time when I said that "I was made to serve next to you.")... I had the peace of the Lord come down around me and I knew that I did and said what I needed to do and say and that God had it under control. I was obedient (even though it was uncomfortable)... and I have no regrets.
Joe took some time and brought it to his accountability partners and pastor and most importantly- GOD.... and today we met to discuss the outcome of all this. (I didn't actually know that's what we were discussing until we met. But I DID sense that I needed God to be with me in a big way! I prayed hard and asked the Spirit to be with me and to BE me (live for me, think for me, talk for me, LISTEN for me (Thank you God!))... and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES!!! HE DID!!!
I don't know how I had the peace and grace that I had. Oh, because it WASN'T me. I look back on myself as though I am looking at someone else. (A CALM Carissa? Impossible... but oh yes!) Through our whole 1.5 hour conversation, God was with me... I am so humbled by this. It's absolutely incredible.
[pause]
I really have to ask Him to be with me like that more often... no...ALWAYS. Why do I only think to ask Him to come over and in and around and to shine through me when I am in need of rescue??... Don't I know that He is ALWAYS available!?! I can ALWAYS live in the power of God! I can ALWAYS live with that peace!!!!!! All I have to do is ASK. Wow.
Such power.
Anyway. It is finished. For now. I don't know what God has in mind for me or Joe or you... but what I DO know is that if we don't surrender our wills, plans, hearts, hopes, future, money, adventure, families, homes, EVERYTHING - then we are making a dire mistake. If I give it to Him, he will bless it (or take it?... or take it and bless it!)! ...And like Charles Stanley said (and Meredith or Alicia echoed), God doesn't take anything from us that is GOOD for us.
God doesn't take anything from us that is good for us. <-- I had trouble with that at first because I thought he was talking about people and my mind instantly went to my grandfather! God took Pappy and he (Pappy) was VERY good for me!!! But Charles is talking about stuff... stuff stuff (like cars, money, jobs, etc.) and emo stuff (like pride, bitterness, fear, etc.). Oh, but he's talking about people too, isn't he? - people stuff (like relationships, friendships, drama, etc.).
God loves us SO much... He wants us to be blessed. He wants only good for us. He is God of EVERYTHING. He is OUR FATHER. Maaaaaaaaan......the King of EVERYTHING is our FATHER and He wants the BEST for us!!! That's CRAZY!!! :D He wants to give us everything we could want.... HE wants to give it to us!
We have to STOP trying to get it for ourselves... why can't we just let Him give it to us as a GIFT?!! It's a gift.
It's a gift.
This ended up being really long AGAIN! Sorry!
I love you so much! Thank you for sharing my heart with me here.
<3
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Brokenness
Ok... I have a little clarification on "Brokenness" (this is a follow up to yesterday's rant) -->
Brokenness is actually the outcome of God opening your eyes and showing you YOU (because frankly- that's not always pretty). Brokenness is a response...a response to your awareness of yourself.
Listen- that post from yesterday was OUT of connnnnTRrrroooolllLLL. Will someone PLEASE "check" me and tell me to keep it simple?? My words mean nothing. My life (action) means everything. I blog for the sake of blogging (also as an online journal-esque thingy...something that I can look back at fondly from the rocking chair of the future. I won't even read my OWN posts if they are so freakin' long!! :)).
ps. Today God is showing me that He's got me... I AM, indeed, broken before Him in so many ways... I need Him completely. I can't live without Him. Example: I ate really healthily for a little over a month. I felt SOOO good... and it wasn't hard... because God did it... all I did was obey what His Spirit told me to do ("eat the fruit, not the cookie"), but as soon as I started thinking that I could do it on my own.... "I can eat this ONE little cookie... God, you won't mind..." <-- see that? See where I said "God, you won't mind?" - I made a decision for God. Maybe He WOULD mind???? I am in no position to tell Him (or anyone, really) what they would or wouldn't mind. Aaaaaanywhoot- one slip led to two, then to 5,321 slips in one day!!! (yes- that was a bit much- but you get the drift- I got OUT OF CONTROL!!!). The fact is. GOD must control me. I must let Him. I must not try to control any little piece of me because I fail (and then it spins out of control).
pss. Romans 6 this morning.... perfect.
<3
Brokenness is actually the outcome of God opening your eyes and showing you YOU (because frankly- that's not always pretty). Brokenness is a response...a response to your awareness of yourself.
Listen- that post from yesterday was OUT of connnnnTRrrroooolllLLL. Will someone PLEASE "check" me and tell me to keep it simple?? My words mean nothing. My life (action) means everything. I blog for the sake of blogging (also as an online journal-esque thingy...something that I can look back at fondly from the rocking chair of the future. I won't even read my OWN posts if they are so freakin' long!! :)).
ps. Today God is showing me that He's got me... I AM, indeed, broken before Him in so many ways... I need Him completely. I can't live without Him. Example: I ate really healthily for a little over a month. I felt SOOO good... and it wasn't hard... because God did it... all I did was obey what His Spirit told me to do ("eat the fruit, not the cookie"), but as soon as I started thinking that I could do it on my own.... "I can eat this ONE little cookie... God, you won't mind..." <-- see that? See where I said "God, you won't mind?" - I made a decision for God. Maybe He WOULD mind???? I am in no position to tell Him (or anyone, really) what they would or wouldn't mind. Aaaaaanywhoot- one slip led to two, then to 5,321 slips in one day!!! (yes- that was a bit much- but you get the drift- I got OUT OF CONTROL!!!). The fact is. GOD must control me. I must let Him. I must not try to control any little piece of me because I fail (and then it spins out of control).
pss. Romans 6 this morning.... perfect.
<3
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Snap
Ha ha!! My friend Meredith says "Oh snap!!"... It's so cute! That has NOTHING to do with my blog. I just titled it "Snap" because I'm gonna talk about being broken. I am writing this paragraph AFTER I blabbed my blog but I thought of Meredith and wanted to tell you about that. I love it! "Oh Snap!" :)
***
Here's the part where I write a random question that has nothing to do with the topic of the day. Maybe I'm hung up on this because I'm not used to having a "topic-of-the-day" because really I'm just blabbing/dumping? However, since I DO have a topic of the day today and the following "question-of-the-day" doesn't really go with said "topic-of-the-day", I feel like it's out of place and that I should delete it. Ah, but for some reason I feel like it's important. I just have this feeling like I should keep it in (though the more I qualify this, the more I doubt myself.) Frankly, I used to delete this stuff. Maybe I should KEEP deleting this stuff... I don't know. Oh well... not today... I guess it's kind of like the "warm up" for today's blog. The opening act. :) Get your rotten tomatoes out...
Here's the question- Why is it that it is ONLY when we have exhausted all our other options- only when we know that we can do nothing more - that we put our faith in God? Why don't we go to God first...BEFORE we get to that point? Instead, we go to God when we think that we are losing something - God please help me keep it! Or when we think we are (or are) dying- God please save me! ...or when we are lonely or think that no one else cares - God please love me! ... or when we think that there is no where else to turn - God, please show me which way to go! Ugh. I don't get it. <-- this came from something I was just reading where someone who was on their deathbed cried out to God to save them... it was only then...only on their deathbed, that they realized that they needed God. They had nothing else... there was nothing left... BUT God. Hm.
But God. There was always God. There will always be God. We have the opportunity to seek Him NOW. Why do we put it off? Why do we wait? What happens if there is NO "deathbed"...what if there is just "death"? Instant death. Death in the blink of an eye? What if there were no time to feel and recognize the need for a Savior?? Oh, the horror... :(
***
Real blog time:
So this morning I "broke". I didn't "snap" like the title of today's rant implies... snapping is more violent and exhibited through outward actions. "Breaking" is the verb associated with "brokenness" which is an adverb. (<--ok, I totally made that up. I have no idea. I can't remember 6th grade English for the life of me!) Anyway- the process of being broken is experienced through inward facing emotional stamina and response. (<--note, I made that up too...so if it is a big fat lie - myyyyy baaaaad!)
Ah hem... aaaaaanyyywaaaaay....
I think God brought me here [emotionally] over the last 36 hours just so that He could teach me a lesson (yes, our God is SOOOOOO cool! :)) We are learning about "brokenness" in our small group this week and for no apparent reason, today I just broke... I mean. I knew I was stuffed up with sin. I knew that I was like a cracking dam...but somehow - just at the right time - I broke! Ok... let me think through this... how did it happen?
Let's see. What are some of the signs that I was "gunked up"? I was lethargic... feeling a little lazy. My focus was on things that don't matter (one of my roommates is SO gross- a sloth- he is destroying my house!!! Oh- I digress... because I shouldn't focus on that. His presence enables me to pay my mortgage. Be grateful.) What else? Well, I tried to read the Bible for the past 2 days but I've had trouble concentrating. Wanna know what I do to try to offset that (because I think it's important to push through and read/study, even when you don't feel like it)? I decided to just read something less "heavy" so that I could still be ministered to by the Spirit... I read some more of Numbers (I'm plodding along SLOWLY on my plight to read through the whole book- I get distracted and sucked into other parts of the Bible- which is GOOD...I love following my Le'Anna-esque bunny trails. Anyway... I've been picking back up in Numbers when I can't concentrate on Paul's letters to me. :) ... oh, and I also like to pick a short section of either Isaiah, Psalms or the Proverbs and think about them too... it's kinda like a jog just to keep warm when I'm not feeling like an all out sprint.)
Wow- talk about bunny trails... ok ... so...anyway... I've felt a bit distant recently --> and by recently, I mean since 10am on Sunday morning after an amazing interaction with God at Journey Church (http://www.takeajourney.org/)). Last night and this morning I've been asking God to please help me. I feel (suddenly) mired in sin. I feel weighted by my body and things that don't matter (I was a cookie monster yesterday and this morning too! - they go hand in hand with me.)... I wrote in my journal last night that my biggest sin problems right now are: gluttony, pride and control. I SHOULD also add selfishness. You see this? My whole world- this whole blog world- it's all about ME!!? WHOA! How do I fix this?
How do I fix this?
Ok... I'm gonna have to think about this and.......WHAT? See? I was just going to say that "I have to do something to fix this"... but it's NOT me. I need to acknowledge it and then give it to God and allow Him to change it. To change me. That's it. That's it.
So... today I found myself sitting at my desk about to cry. I had some of my favorite praise music playing on my iphone and I was just suddenly moved to cry out to God. I ran outside to be closer to Him (I feel closer to Him outdoors. I know that's not right- He is equally everywhere- but I indulge myself anyway). I ran outside and just sat with [and cried with - sobbed with] God. I listened to His message to me in the music I was listening to... He was totally talking to me and ministering to me and holding me close. How often is He doing that and am I not aware of it? Oh! ALWAYS! :\
I haven't started studying brokenness yet. I will today... but I know that God broke me today so that He could show me His love. Hm. Look at that! He broke me to show me something. Innnnnnteresting..... see, I'm in the middle of a discussion with my friend Greg (who now reads my blog- so HI GREG!) about brokenness. I paused our conversation so that I could do some research because I was of the opinion that I caused my OWN brokenness...that brokenness is of ME and that "healing", or the "anti-venom" of brokenness is of God. Yes, I know that EVERYTHING is "of God"... but I just mean that I think that we bring brokenness on ourselves and God cleans up the mess.
I don't know anymore though. Yesterday I prayed for God to save me - to speak to me - and He did... and He did that by breaking me down so I could hear Him. Brokenness manifested itself as a feeling of not having anyone else to run to but Our Father... the realization that no one but the Spirit could change my circumstances/ emotional state and through my subsequent response to that.
I still have much to learn, grasshopper. <-- What is that from? Maybe from nothing. Weirdo! :)
love!
<3
***
Here's the part where I write a random question that has nothing to do with the topic of the day. Maybe I'm hung up on this because I'm not used to having a "topic-of-the-day" because really I'm just blabbing/dumping? However, since I DO have a topic of the day today and the following "question-of-the-day" doesn't really go with said "topic-of-the-day", I feel like it's out of place and that I should delete it. Ah, but for some reason I feel like it's important. I just have this feeling like I should keep it in (though the more I qualify this, the more I doubt myself.) Frankly, I used to delete this stuff. Maybe I should KEEP deleting this stuff... I don't know. Oh well... not today... I guess it's kind of like the "warm up" for today's blog. The opening act. :) Get your rotten tomatoes out...
Here's the question- Why is it that it is ONLY when we have exhausted all our other options- only when we know that we can do nothing more - that we put our faith in God? Why don't we go to God first...BEFORE we get to that point? Instead, we go to God when we think that we are losing something - God please help me keep it! Or when we think we are (or are) dying- God please save me! ...or when we are lonely or think that no one else cares - God please love me! ... or when we think that there is no where else to turn - God, please show me which way to go! Ugh. I don't get it. <-- this came from something I was just reading where someone who was on their deathbed cried out to God to save them... it was only then...only on their deathbed, that they realized that they needed God. They had nothing else... there was nothing left... BUT God. Hm.
But God. There was always God. There will always be God. We have the opportunity to seek Him NOW. Why do we put it off? Why do we wait? What happens if there is NO "deathbed"...what if there is just "death"? Instant death. Death in the blink of an eye? What if there were no time to feel and recognize the need for a Savior?? Oh, the horror... :(
***
Real blog time:
So this morning I "broke". I didn't "snap" like the title of today's rant implies... snapping is more violent and exhibited through outward actions. "Breaking" is the verb associated with "brokenness" which is an adverb. (<--ok, I totally made that up. I have no idea. I can't remember 6th grade English for the life of me!) Anyway- the process of being broken is experienced through inward facing emotional stamina and response. (<--note, I made that up too...so if it is a big fat lie - myyyyy baaaaad!)
Ah hem... aaaaaanyyywaaaaay....
I think God brought me here [emotionally] over the last 36 hours just so that He could teach me a lesson (yes, our God is SOOOOOO cool! :)) We are learning about "brokenness" in our small group this week and for no apparent reason, today I just broke... I mean. I knew I was stuffed up with sin. I knew that I was like a cracking dam...but somehow - just at the right time - I broke! Ok... let me think through this... how did it happen?
Let's see. What are some of the signs that I was "gunked up"? I was lethargic... feeling a little lazy. My focus was on things that don't matter (one of my roommates is SO gross- a sloth- he is destroying my house!!! Oh- I digress... because I shouldn't focus on that. His presence enables me to pay my mortgage. Be grateful.) What else? Well, I tried to read the Bible for the past 2 days but I've had trouble concentrating. Wanna know what I do to try to offset that (because I think it's important to push through and read/study, even when you don't feel like it)? I decided to just read something less "heavy" so that I could still be ministered to by the Spirit... I read some more of Numbers (I'm plodding along SLOWLY on my plight to read through the whole book- I get distracted and sucked into other parts of the Bible- which is GOOD...I love following my Le'Anna-esque bunny trails. Anyway... I've been picking back up in Numbers when I can't concentrate on Paul's letters to me. :) ... oh, and I also like to pick a short section of either Isaiah, Psalms or the Proverbs and think about them too... it's kinda like a jog just to keep warm when I'm not feeling like an all out sprint.)
Wow- talk about bunny trails... ok ... so...anyway... I've felt a bit distant recently --> and by recently, I mean since 10am on Sunday morning after an amazing interaction with God at Journey Church (http://www.takeajourney.org/)). Last night and this morning I've been asking God to please help me. I feel (suddenly) mired in sin. I feel weighted by my body and things that don't matter (I was a cookie monster yesterday and this morning too! - they go hand in hand with me.)... I wrote in my journal last night that my biggest sin problems right now are: gluttony, pride and control. I SHOULD also add selfishness. You see this? My whole world- this whole blog world- it's all about ME!!? WHOA! How do I fix this?
How do I fix this?
Ok... I'm gonna have to think about this and.......WHAT? See? I was just going to say that "I have to do something to fix this"... but it's NOT me. I need to acknowledge it and then give it to God and allow Him to change it. To change me. That's it. That's it.
So... today I found myself sitting at my desk about to cry. I had some of my favorite praise music playing on my iphone and I was just suddenly moved to cry out to God. I ran outside to be closer to Him (I feel closer to Him outdoors. I know that's not right- He is equally everywhere- but I indulge myself anyway). I ran outside and just sat with [and cried with - sobbed with] God. I listened to His message to me in the music I was listening to... He was totally talking to me and ministering to me and holding me close. How often is He doing that and am I not aware of it? Oh! ALWAYS! :\
I haven't started studying brokenness yet. I will today... but I know that God broke me today so that He could show me His love. Hm. Look at that! He broke me to show me something. Innnnnnteresting..... see, I'm in the middle of a discussion with my friend Greg (who now reads my blog- so HI GREG!) about brokenness. I paused our conversation so that I could do some research because I was of the opinion that I caused my OWN brokenness...that brokenness is of ME and that "healing", or the "anti-venom" of brokenness is of God. Yes, I know that EVERYTHING is "of God"... but I just mean that I think that we bring brokenness on ourselves and God cleans up the mess.
I don't know anymore though. Yesterday I prayed for God to save me - to speak to me - and He did... and He did that by breaking me down so I could hear Him. Brokenness manifested itself as a feeling of not having anyone else to run to but Our Father... the realization that no one but the Spirit could change my circumstances/ emotional state and through my subsequent response to that.
I still have much to learn, grasshopper. <-- What is that from? Maybe from nothing. Weirdo! :)
love!
<3
Monday, April 5, 2010
about the Response
Yeah... I've been talking a lot about "surrender" for these past few months... I definitely see the importance of letting go... of giving it to God... of letting HIM rule and run my life... but one thing that keeps running through my mind and my prayers and my journals is that I need to RESPOND. First I must surrender my life and will to Him- then I must be sensitive to His hand on my heart and life – I need to open my awareness to it.
I am in the process of learning what God's voice sounds like (not MY voice disguised as God's voice... or worse- Satan's voice disguised as God's voice (EEP!!!)... but I need to cultivate the intimacy with Our Father and learn what the prompt of the Spirit looks, sounds, and feels like so that I can respond wholeheartedly.
I'm so scattered. I am joyful- but scattered. I am - as Yvonne said- ABUNDANTLY BLESSED - but I am like a dumb little sheep- I forget. One minute I am praising God for all that He has given to me- and the next minute I am facing the other way feeding my sin nature. ack!
I'm really disappointed with myself.
I need to pray.
Yes. I'm gonna pray right now. It's important.
God...ruler of me, ruler of ALL... PLEASE help me. I am SO lost. I'm so mired in SELF. I am so - oh - I hope it doesn't hurt you for me to say this- because I am your creation - but I am so dumb. I am blind. The only times my eyes are open are when it is YOU taking control of them. The way that you opened my eyes and soul for that moment last night - when you gave me a glimpse of true beauty- your incredible creation- the skies, stars, clouds, trees, the air-atmosphere... MIRACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to bottle those moments. I forget though, God. I forget so easily. I forget what Jesus did for me. I forget that because of what He did for me, that I have you IN me. I forget to listen to your voice. I forget that there is no ME. That it's not about me. That I am a roadblock - a mass in the way - for you to do Your work through me. Lord, I am nothing and I keep trying to make myself into something. I am so sorry for this- for the fact that I'm thinking about what I'm praying about because I'm doing the praying... not you... not your Spirit in me. Those are the best prayers... when I sit back... lay back...step back... and let your Spirit do the communing with You for me - on my behalf. I don't care if I sound crazy. It's true. You live in me. It is Your work that you must do. I must just step back and let You work. I want to know you more- or actually - maybe not. Maybe I want to know you less... focus less on gathering intellectual knowledge about who You are and what You want to do in my life or with my life (because it's NOT ABOUT ME!) and focus more on BEING less. I want to get out of the way of your work. I want to be your supple, transparent, and responsive vessel... and that's it. I don't want to be me. I don't want to care about me. I don't want there to be a me... only a You in me. There we go- see that? AGAIN- I must decrease and you must increase. That's what it all comes back to.
I've got to get away from this computer for a second --- (ok, that was litterally a second!! :)).
I love reading the Bible. Why don't I do it more?
I love praying? Why don't I do it more?
I love the friends you've given me- they are a gift from You, no doubt... but Lord, help me not to put them in Your place... You must be first. You must be first before ANYTHING. Before church. Before friends. Before books. Before walks. Before work. Before my family. Before my dog. Before my vanity. Before ANYTHING- you first. YOU first.
***
WHY am I in my own way? WHY can't I stop sinning?? I KNOW you have asked me to take care of my body- that it is a temple for your Spirit- it IS... wow. I just realized that I heard that a billion times in my life "your body is a temple"... but now I GET it and I STILL don't listen. Why do I eat all this JUNK? Why do I want to litter myself with garbage??? It makes me hate myself. Maybe that's why. It causes me to be divided. Self against self... this distracts me from worshipping. This distracts me from YOU. I must be of one mind. I must be of one heart... and both my mind and my heart must SCREAM OUT for YOU! If I'm empty- I must fill myself with YOU. If I'm ANYTHING- I must be EVERYTHING with YOU. YOU are everything!!!
I am nothing. I WANT TO BE nothing. I want to just be a vessel. I want to be purely yours. I want to rid myself of myself. I am grateful for the amazing world that I have been gifted- but I don't want to want it. I want to appreciate it without creating desire for more. I want to love it without yearning for more. I want to experience it without feeling like I need more and more and more....
I think I was better when I had nothing. I wasn't in my own way. I am grateful for my friends and job and joy- but they pull me from You. Even the desire to share You (and my experiences with Your goodness) is a distraction. How can I respond if I am not in touch with your voice? How can I be in touch with your voice when I don't take time to know and hear you?
I can't watch TV. I can't make excuses that it is time that I'm spending with my brother... it's NOT. It's time taken from You. I can't email so much... it's time and energy that I put into relationships and reading that I should be spending with you. I want to go back into my cocoon of your love. I must prioritize this....
God, Thank you. I love you. I need you. I don't need me. I love you. I need you. I need YOU. I want YOU. Only you.
Amen.
<3
I am in the process of learning what God's voice sounds like (not MY voice disguised as God's voice... or worse- Satan's voice disguised as God's voice (EEP!!!)... but I need to cultivate the intimacy with Our Father and learn what the prompt of the Spirit looks, sounds, and feels like so that I can respond wholeheartedly.
I'm so scattered. I am joyful- but scattered. I am - as Yvonne said- ABUNDANTLY BLESSED - but I am like a dumb little sheep- I forget. One minute I am praising God for all that He has given to me- and the next minute I am facing the other way feeding my sin nature. ack!
I'm really disappointed with myself.
I need to pray.
Yes. I'm gonna pray right now. It's important.
God...ruler of me, ruler of ALL... PLEASE help me. I am SO lost. I'm so mired in SELF. I am so - oh - I hope it doesn't hurt you for me to say this- because I am your creation - but I am so dumb. I am blind. The only times my eyes are open are when it is YOU taking control of them. The way that you opened my eyes and soul for that moment last night - when you gave me a glimpse of true beauty- your incredible creation- the skies, stars, clouds, trees, the air-atmosphere... MIRACLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just want to bottle those moments. I forget though, God. I forget so easily. I forget what Jesus did for me. I forget that because of what He did for me, that I have you IN me. I forget to listen to your voice. I forget that there is no ME. That it's not about me. That I am a roadblock - a mass in the way - for you to do Your work through me. Lord, I am nothing and I keep trying to make myself into something. I am so sorry for this- for the fact that I'm thinking about what I'm praying about because I'm doing the praying... not you... not your Spirit in me. Those are the best prayers... when I sit back... lay back...step back... and let your Spirit do the communing with You for me - on my behalf. I don't care if I sound crazy. It's true. You live in me. It is Your work that you must do. I must just step back and let You work. I want to know you more- or actually - maybe not. Maybe I want to know you less... focus less on gathering intellectual knowledge about who You are and what You want to do in my life or with my life (because it's NOT ABOUT ME!) and focus more on BEING less. I want to get out of the way of your work. I want to be your supple, transparent, and responsive vessel... and that's it. I don't want to be me. I don't want to care about me. I don't want there to be a me... only a You in me. There we go- see that? AGAIN- I must decrease and you must increase. That's what it all comes back to.
I've got to get away from this computer for a second --- (ok, that was litterally a second!! :)).
I love reading the Bible. Why don't I do it more?
I love praying? Why don't I do it more?
I love the friends you've given me- they are a gift from You, no doubt... but Lord, help me not to put them in Your place... You must be first. You must be first before ANYTHING. Before church. Before friends. Before books. Before walks. Before work. Before my family. Before my dog. Before my vanity. Before ANYTHING- you first. YOU first.
***
WHY am I in my own way? WHY can't I stop sinning?? I KNOW you have asked me to take care of my body- that it is a temple for your Spirit- it IS... wow. I just realized that I heard that a billion times in my life "your body is a temple"... but now I GET it and I STILL don't listen. Why do I eat all this JUNK? Why do I want to litter myself with garbage??? It makes me hate myself. Maybe that's why. It causes me to be divided. Self against self... this distracts me from worshipping. This distracts me from YOU. I must be of one mind. I must be of one heart... and both my mind and my heart must SCREAM OUT for YOU! If I'm empty- I must fill myself with YOU. If I'm ANYTHING- I must be EVERYTHING with YOU. YOU are everything!!!
I am nothing. I WANT TO BE nothing. I want to just be a vessel. I want to be purely yours. I want to rid myself of myself. I am grateful for the amazing world that I have been gifted- but I don't want to want it. I want to appreciate it without creating desire for more. I want to love it without yearning for more. I want to experience it without feeling like I need more and more and more....
I think I was better when I had nothing. I wasn't in my own way. I am grateful for my friends and job and joy- but they pull me from You. Even the desire to share You (and my experiences with Your goodness) is a distraction. How can I respond if I am not in touch with your voice? How can I be in touch with your voice when I don't take time to know and hear you?
I can't watch TV. I can't make excuses that it is time that I'm spending with my brother... it's NOT. It's time taken from You. I can't email so much... it's time and energy that I put into relationships and reading that I should be spending with you. I want to go back into my cocoon of your love. I must prioritize this....
God, Thank you. I love you. I need you. I don't need me. I love you. I need you. I need YOU. I want YOU. Only you.
Amen.
<3
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Gettin' there
Do you know when I am happiest/most content/most connected to God? It's when He gives me an assignment that takes me outside my comfort zone. It's when God asks me to do something that I don't think I can do (or should do, or would do, or WANT to do.) - I was closest to God when I thought He asked me to drop my life and go to Africa for a few months. Living for and by faith in God's great plan was all that I had and that was the BEST PLACE to be.
Regarding Africa- I don't know what His plan is- I definitely grew in my faith in the process of trying to obey His will- but then why did it not end up coming to fruition the way I thought it would? Eh- I don't even want to try to understand it... I only want to trust Him with my everything. I AM going to Africa in June for a short term missions trip- and I'm going with an amazing organization that Has Jesus at its heart (http://www.rickvia.org/)... In the month or two where I think/thought God wanted me to drop my life for a few months and head off to a continent that I'd never been to- I was definitely terrified (as any of you who know me or read my blog know) - but I surrendered my life and will to God and the blessings that poured out of that were amazing!
I LOVED being in that place...that place where I trembled with passion for God and my soul thirsted for the next drop of Living Water. All I desired (constantly) was a Word from Him telling me whether or not I was on the right track. Blind faith. Throughout my days He would say "That's right, Carissa- keep going. Or "shhhhhhhhh- pipe down, my child.").
I miss it.
I try to get there myself sometimes. Much of my life and time is spent seeking God- reading and praying and worshiping and talking about Him with other believers - but NOT ENOUGH. I have to realize that I cannot rev myself up or will that God do anything in me. Everything in me comes from God's will. All I can do is submit to it. All I can do is the opposite of what I think I should do. I think that I should DO something...but in reality- I must just allow it to be done.
I can pray though. I can cry out to God and ask Him for things... right now in my life I just want to be IN the Spirit...living in truth... living an honest and transparent life. I want to stop trying to control my thoughts, circumstances, surroundings, future and I just want to find a way to be more in tune with what God has for me. MAYBE what He has for me now is a lesson- a lesson in patience- in rest. Actually... I wrote down what I thought the Spirit was calling me to "act on" for my small group study (tonight! I can't wait- I LOVE small group!- but I digress)...
I actually think that He is telling me to chill - I always think a rush of activity is necessary for results, but all I really need to do is rest in Him (Rom 8:6). He's got it and I should just trust Him (Rom 11:33). I need to stop trying to control everything - I just need to let Him guide my life (Gal 5:16). I just need to put my focus on loving others (Rom 13:10 & 12:10) and keep my eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects my faith (Heb 12:2).
So. I need to trust Him. He will give me another assignment soon - indeed - He has given me MANY assignments- they don't have to look that dramatic (like Africa)- they matter too... I just need to strive to be obedient to every command that Our Father gives- I need to listen for and obey each prompting- and with that my intimacy will naturally grow. It is a process. I am sold out for God and I CAN live in great communion with the Spirit in my everyday life. Let me not forget that. All I need to do is be obedient. Riiiiiiiiiiight - surrender. ...Not my will, but Yours be done (Luke 22:42) <-- of course that is an incorrectly placed reference if I look at it in context.
I'm gonna try on some nerd clothes for a minute- I am totally a wanna-be nerd. Let's see how I look-
What is 22:42 really about? Well, I see that Jesus is speaking to his Father, asking Him to take away the burden of death/sin that is soon to be upon Him if it is His (the Father's) will. This was a moment of true agony and pain that our God had to endure prior to taking on the most horrific thing that could happen- to have the sins of the entire world (all of humanities' dirt from the dawn of creation on) upon His shoulders. To have the most brilliant light snuffed out into darkness- true death- death that we cannot comprehend... that is beyond scary.
How'd I do? I have no idea why I went into all that. I just wanted to keep it in and I was qualifying (aka- making excuses) about why I used that verse in the wrong spot - but I couldn't delete it because it came to my mind and WHAT IF it was in God's plan!!- I must be obedient! :)
Ok... crazy head signing off - I've got work to do!
Much love!
<3
Regarding Africa- I don't know what His plan is- I definitely grew in my faith in the process of trying to obey His will- but then why did it not end up coming to fruition the way I thought it would? Eh- I don't even want to try to understand it... I only want to trust Him with my everything. I AM going to Africa in June for a short term missions trip- and I'm going with an amazing organization that Has Jesus at its heart (http://www.rickvia.org/)... In the month or two where I think/thought God wanted me to drop my life for a few months and head off to a continent that I'd never been to- I was definitely terrified (as any of you who know me or read my blog know) - but I surrendered my life and will to God and the blessings that poured out of that were amazing!
I LOVED being in that place...that place where I trembled with passion for God and my soul thirsted for the next drop of Living Water. All I desired (constantly) was a Word from Him telling me whether or not I was on the right track. Blind faith. Throughout my days He would say "That's right, Carissa- keep going. Or "shhhhhhhhh- pipe down, my child.").
I miss it.
I try to get there myself sometimes. Much of my life and time is spent seeking God- reading and praying and worshiping and talking about Him with other believers - but NOT ENOUGH. I have to realize that I cannot rev myself up or will that God do anything in me. Everything in me comes from God's will. All I can do is submit to it. All I can do is the opposite of what I think I should do. I think that I should DO something...but in reality- I must just allow it to be done.
I can pray though. I can cry out to God and ask Him for things... right now in my life I just want to be IN the Spirit...living in truth... living an honest and transparent life. I want to stop trying to control my thoughts, circumstances, surroundings, future and I just want to find a way to be more in tune with what God has for me. MAYBE what He has for me now is a lesson- a lesson in patience- in rest. Actually... I wrote down what I thought the Spirit was calling me to "act on" for my small group study (tonight! I can't wait- I LOVE small group!- but I digress)...
I actually think that He is telling me to chill - I always think a rush of activity is necessary for results, but all I really need to do is rest in Him (Rom 8:6). He's got it and I should just trust Him (Rom 11:33). I need to stop trying to control everything - I just need to let Him guide my life (Gal 5:16). I just need to put my focus on loving others (Rom 13:10 & 12:10) and keep my eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects my faith (Heb 12:2).
So. I need to trust Him. He will give me another assignment soon - indeed - He has given me MANY assignments- they don't have to look that dramatic (like Africa)- they matter too... I just need to strive to be obedient to every command that Our Father gives- I need to listen for and obey each prompting- and with that my intimacy will naturally grow. It is a process. I am sold out for God and I CAN live in great communion with the Spirit in my everyday life. Let me not forget that. All I need to do is be obedient. Riiiiiiiiiiight - surrender. ...Not my will, but Yours be done (Luke 22:42) <-- of course that is an incorrectly placed reference if I look at it in context.
I'm gonna try on some nerd clothes for a minute- I am totally a wanna-be nerd. Let's see how I look-
What is 22:42 really about? Well, I see that Jesus is speaking to his Father, asking Him to take away the burden of death/sin that is soon to be upon Him if it is His (the Father's) will. This was a moment of true agony and pain that our God had to endure prior to taking on the most horrific thing that could happen- to have the sins of the entire world (all of humanities' dirt from the dawn of creation on) upon His shoulders. To have the most brilliant light snuffed out into darkness- true death- death that we cannot comprehend... that is beyond scary.
How'd I do? I have no idea why I went into all that. I just wanted to keep it in and I was qualifying (aka- making excuses) about why I used that verse in the wrong spot - but I couldn't delete it because it came to my mind and WHAT IF it was in God's plan!!- I must be obedient! :)
Ok... crazy head signing off - I've got work to do!
Much love!
<3
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